Parent's funeral

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My mum has recently told me she doesn't want a funeral. Not a cremation, nothing.
She has changed her will to ensure this doesn't happen.
Hopefully this isn't a concern I have anytime soon, but isn't a funeral for the living rather than the dead?

I feel myself and my brother should have at least been spoken to to get our options on this? My dad also won't be having one.

She isn't being horrible, she genuinely thinks that it'll save us money. I understand they're expensive but isn't it all part of the grieving process? Funeral planning/car planning/wake etc? A way for everyone to say bye?

AIBU to think part of life would be to go to your parent's funeral? Or am I being ridiculous?

A friend had a direct cremation but her closest friends organised an afternoon tea in her home afterwards where all her friends from different parts of her life gathered to remember her and share stories about her life. It was a truly lovely event.

I went for a burial and no service or wake in my will. And then my brother died suddenly, and because we were on lockdown we had to have a very small service, and then I realised just how much funerals are needed to give those who are left some closure. I need to change my will, but have already told my executor to ignore that bit.

I'd try to have another conversation with her to be honest.

I totally agree with you op. I also think it doesn't have to be a traditional funeral but you definitely deserve a gathering with friends and family to say goodbye and remember her life, when that time comes.

Of course in concerns her, she'll be the one left behind.

My parents have done the same. Direct cremation? They are cheap, paid up beforehand and give them some control, a feeling of not being a burden. They have paid for many funerals in their lives, many older relatives had paid into schemes that didn't cover costs. So they want to be sure.

I have no idea if we'll get the ashes but we can organise a wake!

Lots of people in my family have opted for a direct cremation, me and DH included. We’ve had two family members die with this wish and we’ve had two fantastic celebrations for them in keeping with their personalities. One we went to a very fancy restaurant and drank copious amounts of champagne and laughed until we cried and then cried and then laughed. The other we had a lovely calm picnic for. Little speeches were said at both. I find this much more freeing than paying thousands for a funeral and a wake and we had more time to plan. My mother has requested we take her ashes and scatter them at a seaside resort she visited as a child and make a weekend of it.

I would frame it as a positive OP. No funeral doesn’t mean no send off.

There's nothing to stop you and your brother holding a memorial occasion at a later date after your mum has gone, doing something that's meaningful to you.
But I would respect her wishes around the disposal of her body.
I have also told my family that I don't want a funeral. I've requested to be sent for cremation alone, with no fuss. I cannot bear the thought of everyone standing around singing dreary songs, eating sandwiches. Nor would I expect them to throw an upbeat party. I don't have any religious beliefs. I believe we come from nothing and return to being nothing. I have also requested no stone or plaque or anything permanent to commemorate me.

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist - you will get the ashes unless you decline them and they will scatter them in a cemetery.

I tihnk I'd have to honour her wishes, but find another way to mark her passing. Circumstances meant that the majority of my mum's friends couldn't be at her funeral, so we had a separate 'do' about a month later to get everyone together. Our approach was very much about celebrating her life so it was like a garden party, with a lot of cakes etc, but I'm sure the tone could have been changed if that had felt more suitable. It wasn't her funeral as such but it was a way for everyone to get together, to think about her, to support each other and to grieve without the traditional elements of a funeral. You might be able to think of your own version of a different way to mark her passing, when it comes.

We have direct cremations in our family. Cost of the last one was £1600. We celebrate with a big meal and champagne and the ashes scattered

I would comply with her wishes, there will have to be either a cremation or a burial of some kind, but let's face it once she's gone she won't know how you choose to mark it for yourselves. I don't think it would be disrespectful for you to organise something that you feel would be fitting after she's passed.

Ceremony around death is hard wired into every culture, in parts of the the animal kingdom as well as for humans since time began, it would be reasonable of you to want to mark it in some way for yourselves without expressly denying her end of life wishes to her while still alive.

Thanks.

Our relationship is a tad strained (understatement) and I wasn't going to feed the ghoul by asking.

Is it down to cost or her beliefs?

If it’s cost then if your and your brother offer to pay would she change her mind? If you expect her to pay when she doesn’t want one then YABU

If it’s beliefs then you should respect them and do something directly with your brother to have closure

This is what I want for myself - except a nice cream tea for everyone instead of a pub lunch. My mother has questioned my decision though by saying that a funeral would be better for the DC - would it? hopefully they’ll be adults when it happens though!

The good bits about funerals are
Family - seeing family members you don't normally find time to see.
Friends - hearing about aspects of their life you knew nothing about.

The cost of funerals is obscene.

It is her choice - my fil has requested something similar & we would all still get together and do something but he doesn’t want the fuss or cost (he could afford it!)
My Grandad passed away recently and he had a cremation but had pre paid & requested what he wanted songs and readings - we all respected that.
My Mil wants the whole lot mourners cars etc

We just need to respect their wishes.

Follow her wishes. Then after the dust has worked get you family together for a knees up but without the big funeral bit. That's the big for you that you will appreciate.

I think you should follow her wishes but maybe have a family lunch afterwards for scattering her ashes?
A couple of my close younger friends have died unexpectedly this year which has forced me to think about what I'd want. I'm an organ donor. I have a small family, and friends are scattered far and wide. My preference would be a direct cremation, followed later by a scattering off the beach/pier, and a nice lunch for all at the nearby pub where DH and I first met. I have a short play list for the scattering. Sorted! 😉

I think funerals are for the ones left behind and they should choose.

But I suppose you just need to work around this and have whatever sort of gathering you want to.

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist - no worries, my MIL didn’t collect one of her parents ashes due to their relationship. I didn’t judge her. We all have our own way of dealing with things.

That's really sad.
However, I was the only person in out family to view Dad at the Undertakers, and he had specified ''No makeup!'' and he looked ''Honestly dead'' and not at all like him.
Just ''Empty''.
His Spirit had truly flown.
It's strange how people look different once their Spirit leaves.
I remember adoptive mum {when dad died} said she was upset at the thought of him being in a ''fridge'' as he had claustrophobia.

I hope your Husband can think of his Mum's Spirit being free of her body.

They may be her wishes but, bluntly, she'll be dead and won't know if you followed them or not. The important thing is for you and your family to say your goodbye in the way that works best for you in terms of ceremony, cost, memorial etc. Do what you need to do.

I find these dictats from beyond the grave very unsettling. You will be dead/gone/unknowing when your relatives have to do something or not do something according to your instructions. It's a form of control - 'you will do what I say even though I'm not there any more'. Thank goodness my parents just let me get on with organising their funerals as I wished, without lots of controlling instructions. My DD can do what she likes when I die, because I won't know a thing about it!

@xogossipgirlxo Edit...Sorry, I should have said your husbands Grandmother, not Mum.

I respect my parents wishes in life so I will respect their wishes in death also.
It's not about me, it's about them and what they want.