Parent's funeral

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My mum has recently told me she doesn't want a funeral. Not a cremation, nothing.
She has changed her will to ensure this doesn't happen.
Hopefully this isn't a concern I have anytime soon, but isn't a funeral for the living rather than the dead?

I feel myself and my brother should have at least been spoken to to get our options on this? My dad also won't be having one.

She isn't being horrible, she genuinely thinks that it'll save us money. I understand they're expensive but isn't it all part of the grieving process? Funeral planning/car planning/wake etc? A way for everyone to say bye?

AIBU to think part of life would be to go to your parent's funeral? Or am I being ridiculous?

My aunt specified "no funeral".

She had a direct cremation and there was a simple Church of Scotland thanksgiving service. It felt a bit odd not having a wake afterward as everyone milled around awkwardly and then just left. But it what she wanted, so we respected it.

I’d say you need to respect her wishes. I want the same.

I’ve the opposite problem with my dad. He wants a huge funeral in a church (he’s not even religious)', has had all the songs picked out for years etc. Only trouble is, he didn’t pay for it. He assumed he would just die one day and then I would have his savings to pay for it all. What happened was, he got dementia and all his money is soon to be gone due to paying care fees. And there is only me and my children anyway, so a funeral would be a waste, I’m not getting into debt for the 4 of us to sit and listen to someone who didn’t know him parrot things back to me that I have told them to say. It’s going to be a direct cremation (and even then, that will get me into debt I can’t afford - if the council do it, they don’t let you have the ashes) and then we will scatter ashes where he’s asked.

I expect to be haunted.

Ha! the "full works" funeral is very expensive. My partner' dad always wanted that - he was old school Irish Catholic so he wanted the full requiem mass, burial, fancy coffin, full procession of hearses, pub based wake. When he died the he had veyr little in the way of money and we all anxiously totted up the costs of honourign his wishes (we had just brought house and were pretty broke). Turned out he had pre paid for the whole thing on one of those funeral plans to make sure he got exactly what he wanted..

My neighbour's husband died this year. There was a "pure cremation". No service, no wake. She seemed happy with it and says she'll do the same.

My mother's funeral was curtailed because of covid. She wanted a grand send off and had it planned down to the last detail. It would have been fabulous and we did what we could but it wasn't what she planned. She was religeous and these things mattered to her.

In the end it's for the living I think. A will won't enforce it because the funeral takes place long before the will gets sorted. You have to decide how you would feel if you had a funeral knowing it wasn't what she wanted. I'd also say the surviving spouse gets final say if there is one.

As an adult, we've been to the funerals of parents and loved relatives and religious or humanist, church or crematorium, they were awful/harrowing/farcical in various ways. We won't put our family survivors through that (either the organising or attending). Instead, we're both having direct cremation; our remains will be whisked away by the undertaker and disposed of at the crematorium with no attendance and no service. ( cardboard coffin, "off peak" time because it's cheapest. And as we're paying for it, we get the last word.)

If our children want to have some personal farewell ceremony they are welcome; but there will be no corpses or coffins, no hired venue, no hired "celebrant" or minister, no prayers or hymns . Feel free to hold it on our birthdays, in a garden or on the beach or hills, bring wine, beer, a picnic, children, dogs, deckchairs, frisbees.

I have a similar problem the other way round. My dad has said he wants a traditional church funeral with hymns, prayers etc etc. He is in his nineties and has no friends or family remaining except for dm, myself, dh and 2 dgc (who are all strongly atheist and/or muslim background.

I just can't imagine how we will be able to fulfill his wishes. It would feel so meaningless, the 5 of us stood there in a totally empty church mumbling our way through rituals we aren't familiar with. Do we agree now for his peace of mind and then go against his request when the time comes? Or do we point out now that a church funeral wouldn't hold any meaning to any of his potential mourners?

Of course it is, she’s the left behind having to (probably) sort out everything.

Funerals definitely for those left behind. I have told my DH that I want to be cremated but other than that they can do what they like. As big or small as they feel they want. It is them who have to attend and deal with it.

We are in a similar predicament then, @Invizicat It’s so hard isn’t it? I am luckier I guess as the money side of things has taken the decision out of my hands. I knew if my dad was still able to understand, there’s no way he would want me getting into thousands of pounds of debt for his funeral.

But what if the parent who died wanted a funeral which goes against the wishes or beliefs of the remaining living parent? Whose wishes matter more - the living mourning parent or the deceased mourned parent?

It’s a tricky one. I see your point that a funeral is for the people left behind and you are right in many ways and of course she would never know what you decide to do. However, it might seem like a bit of a betrayal of her final wish if you ignore her wish not to have a funeral. You might in the long term afterwards think it’s the right thing to change her final wish, or in the long term you might end up with guilty feelings that you didn’t respect her wishes.

It’s want they want. My parents have specified it’s their children only if anyone wants to attend, no grandkids, partners, friends, other family members. If they were to say a direct cremation then we would respect that

you can always hold a wake

Be very sure that your corpse is in a desirable condition before you make this your stated intention. My relative donated his body , and they turned it down because they had ‘ enough’ at the time. The body effectively went missing for two days until we found where it was being ‘ held in a storage facility ‘ , as they said to his daughter. Then we had to get the death certificate changed because you have a different certificate for cremation than for science.

the registrar told us that this ‘ happens all the time’. It’s very distressing for the relatives.

David Bowie did it.

She will have to be cremated or buried by law. She has no say in that. My sister had a simple funeral, just a hearse, cheapest coffin and some flowers . That was £2800 including a priest to conduct the service. It was lovely, just what she wished for. It was paid for out of her estate.
A direct cremation in much cheaper and if she has an estate it can be charged to that. Nothing to stop you having a get together at some time to share memories/raise a glass to your mother x

a relative of mine has said the same after seeing all that went into another relatives funeral. My husband agreed with them saying it would avoid any embarrassment. I asked what he meant and he said the embarrassment of only having one or two people at the funeral, the twerp.

We're not having them either. Direct cremation all the way. You can still hold a wake, there's nothing stopping you.

Not your decision so no you didn't need including in the decision. You can have a little get together wherever you wish if you want to gather with people, but you need to respect their wishes.

Same
I go to the crem alone
The car arrives at the local rugby club for a few minutes
As it goes round the corner the music and drinking starts
Celebration

"My Mum said No funeral but Im just going to ignore my Mum because I know whats best for her after she clogs it"

YABU. She said No funeral. So No funeral, have a private burial not a big fiasco.

Which is why people should take responsibility for their own funeral/ cremation plans. Not leave it for the family.

You can have a gathering of those who knew and loved her at some time after her death, to remember and hopefully celebrate her life.

I would respect her wishes for no funeral in your shoes.

She can say of course that she doesn't want a fuss or a wake but her body will either get buried or cremated and that costs money unless she's donating her body for research (is that still a thing?). If she doesn't want to put you out then she needs to get saving. I'd ask her what her actual plans are.

My mum intends to go on a blaze if glory and wants the full works, she has a payment plan for her own funeral and has set her wishes out very clearly. We will follow them.

I completely agree that a funeral
Is for the living. But if she's worried about the financial cost. Then just have a small gathering or something.

Both my parents had direct cremations due to covid. TBH, in retrospect, I felt a lot more closure scattering their ashes somewhere they both loved and sitting quietly thinking about them than if they'd had the bigger funeral that would have happened in normal times.
You'll still be able to bring people together and mourn, you just won't be tied to getting a crematorium slot which can be weeks and weeks after death