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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent's funeral

112 replies

namechange143 · 09/12/2022 14:23

My mum has recently told me she doesn't want a funeral. Not a cremation, nothing.
She has changed her will to ensure this doesn't happen.
Hopefully this isn't a concern I have anytime soon, but isn't a funeral for the living rather than the dead?

I feel myself and my brother should have at least been spoken to to get our options on this? My dad also won't be having one.

She isn't being horrible, she genuinely thinks that it'll save us money. I understand they're expensive but isn't it all part of the grieving process? Funeral planning/car planning/wake etc? A way for everyone to say bye?

AIBU to think part of life would be to go to your parent's funeral? Or am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
zingally · 09/12/2022 17:09

A family friend did this, and his son found it very difficult. I personally think we need that social convention to follow and the son missed this.

W0tnow · 09/12/2022 17:14

This is the second time in as many days I’ve heard this. I vote respect her wishes, but with the caveat that it sounds like she’s doing that thing that women of her age do. Not want to cause a fuss, take the burnt chop to save someone else having to eat it. Save you money. If it’s something you think you might want or need, there are lots of ways to be frugal about these things. A small gathering and a few sandwiches doesn’t cost much. She might be happy with that.

W0tnow · 09/12/2022 17:17

I actually think it’s good manners to sort your own funeral, if you’re old, or have a terminal illness. That’s what mum did. The cash was set aside, I knew who to call. It really took the stress off. If you have set ideas for your funeral, the. You should organise it, I think!

vdbfamily · 09/12/2022 17:22

My MIL did this. Direct cremation. Just collect ashes afterwards. We are planning a family get together to scatter the ashes which we will likely make into a little ceremony.
My DH had said he doesn't want a service but I have challenged that as he will be dead and if we want to celebrate his life after he has gone, he should allow that. If he insists I will respect that but hoping to change his mind

Galarunner · 09/12/2022 17:30

My mum was able to tell us her wishes before she died. She had an unattended cremation. She said what we did to celebrate her life was up to us. She was a runner so lots of her running friends met in the local woodland visitors centre. We all ran or went for a walk and then we had coffees and a pizzas ( wood fired pizza van) My husband and her closest friend did a reading. We drank some wine and went home, it was an unconventional celebration of an unconventional woman. She made it very clear she didn't want people standing around looking at her coffin and we respected that.

UsingChangeofName · 09/12/2022 17:30

YANBU, many (most?) people need an opportunity to come together and reminisce.
I had a friend who died a few years ago who said she didn't want a funeral. It was so strange. It was a stage that everyone who was left needed as the next point in their grieving. In the end, the family did arrange something about 3 months afterwards to allow themselves, colleagues, friends, neighbours, all the people who had known her, a chance to get together and mourn together. It was nice, but MUCH harder for the family to arrange, without the support of funeral directors, etc.
I think you and others close to your Mum need to talk to her about it, nd how you feel about it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/12/2022 17:36

Dh had a direct cremation. I will one day.

Neither of us could ever sit through the others funeral and numerous people planned to come who he hated with a passion before I said it’s a direct cremation.

No point turning up to pay respect to someone you abused in real life (although our circumstances were unique thanks to mil being batshit)

Zanatdy · 09/12/2022 17:38

You can have a direct cremation (or assume direct burial) but yes funerals are for the living, and nothing she can do about it. That said I’d probably repsect wishes. I found my dad’s funeral very healing, so I’d never deny my children that chance to arrange a special service to say goodbye (should they wish)

Cherrysoup · 09/12/2022 17:39

I hate funerals. I was in bits at my dad’s. I went to the neighbour’s funeral quite recently, she was like a favourite Aunty. It was very hard. Me and my DH have said direct to crem for us. We don’t have dc, so there’s not really anyone to worry about it.

UsingChangeofName · 09/12/2022 17:41

Thant sounds really nice @Galarunner

Runmybathforme · 09/12/2022 17:45

I can't believe some people are saying they disregarded their parents wishes, so disrespectful. I have my wishes written down and I would be so upset if I thought my family would ignore them. How about having a wake instead ? This will at least give you a chance to get together and mourn .

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 09/12/2022 17:48

My dad had a direct cremation. No-one even had a few drinks in the pub following his death in his memory. His lazy wife couldn’t be bothered to organise anything and I didn’t have the contact details for any friends 🤷‍♀️

OhPeggySue · 09/12/2022 17:48

I'd be really upset if there was a traditional funeral for me. I won't know of course but I'd much prefer a woodland burial with no one there. I think respecting their wishes is a nice last thing you can do for someone you care for.

curiousbanana · 09/12/2022 18:03

Hmm, I'm in 2 minds about this.

A close family member of mine died this year. Their funeral was arranged by another family member.

I know that the deceased person would have hated it. They'd have hated the readings, stories told and the photos shown. I tried to steer the organiser in a more low key direction to no avail.

I hated the funeral. It didn't represent the deceased person at all. It was what the person organising wanted, which was much more showy and bigger than others in the family thought it should be. I found it very uncomfortable, and some parts of it I had to step away from.

I loved my relative very much, but many of us were very uncomfortable and unhappy with their funeral. It's not what they would have wanted.

mondaytosunday · 09/12/2022 18:06

You can still do something - a lunch with her dearest friends to honour her.

losingit31 · 09/12/2022 18:07

FIL refused to have anything more than a few words from the priest at the graveside for MIL. DH and his brothers were very disappointed but couldn't do anything. They had family travel from overseas for this 5 minute extravaganza as well.

iklboo · 09/12/2022 18:28

Both my parents died within nine weeks of each other. Dad on December 23rd last year, mum on 28 February this year. In between that my cousin took his own life.

I sat with dad's body for over four hours. I sat at my mum's hospital bedside for 37 hours, made the decision to withdraw oxygen & watched her die.

I wouldn't have been able to handle three 'full' funerals. Not a chance. Neither of my parents were religious, both stipulated cremation. So I had direct cremations for both of them. I held wakes for them both to honour their memory.

Original poster
namechange143 · 09/12/2022 18:30

Thank you so much for all of the replies.

It has definitely made me see things from both sides too. Yes, I think it must be the direct cremation she wants. I was a big baffled at the time.

I have often wondered if funerals do give closure.

Also to the poster that said "I'll do what I want", I wasn't saying I'd go against her wishes. Was just thinking she could have discussed it beforehand, before a final decision whilst she is alive.

A get together does sound really lovely.

Thanks again everyone. It's made really interesting reading and made me have a good thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange143 · 09/12/2022 18:30

*.think!

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange143 · 09/12/2022 18:31

I am also so sorry to the posters that have been through these really sad events too. It does sound like funerals aren't closure for everyone too.

OP posts:
jackstini · 09/12/2022 19:00

My mum has already booked a direct cremation

She has said she would like it if we then got together at whatever point we want to celebrate her life - pub meal, picnic sort of thing

She doesn't want anything involving her body being there

I will go with her wishes as she's left it completely up to us what to do as the celebration part

Choconut · 09/12/2022 19:07

Could you not have a direct cremation and then sprinkle her ashes somewhere special and have some sort of small social thing around that?
I hate going to funerals, to me they are just depressing and so pointless and I'd be so happy if my parents wanted a direct cremation and scattering somewhere special. Unfortunately they don't.

OoooohMatron · 10/12/2022 01:13

Geppili · 09/12/2022 15:36

David Bowie did it.

So? Is OP David Bowie's DD.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/12/2022 08:29

If you’re not a regular at church etc it’s a officiant who never met you poncing on about what a great person you were while your loved ones sit there using up a day of annual leave.

At my granny’s funeral they said much loved grandmother of cousins names, my bloody cousins didn’t even turn up & my mums cousin tried to chat me up.

WuTangGran · 10/12/2022 08:35

Funerals are for the left behind and your mum doesn’t want one. She’s told you that.
Why not hold a celebration of her life instead?
Will you be ok in later years knowing that you didn’t do what she wanted?