Parent's funeral

[namechange143]

My mum has recently told me she doesn't want a funeral. Not a cremation, nothing.
She has changed her will to ensure this doesn't happen.
Hopefully this isn't a concern I have anytime soon, but isn't a funeral for the living rather than the dead?

I feel myself and my brother should have at least been spoken to to get our options on this? My dad also won't be having one.

She isn't being horrible, she genuinely thinks that it'll save us money. I understand they're expensive but isn't it all part of the grieving process? Funeral planning/car planning/wake etc? A way for everyone to say bye?

AIBU to think part of life would be to go to your parent's funeral? Or am I being ridiculous?

When my Dad died in May, he wanted a direct cremation. He was collected from his care home, then cremated about 2 weeks later. He was ready to collected about 3 days after the cremation.

They were his wishes, it was not for us to ignore them. It was what he wanted.

The only final wish we haven’t carried out is he wanted a teaspoon of himself to be sprinkled on Mum’s (his ex wife’s) carpet every time we went round, so she’d have to vacuum him up (there was no love lost at the end)!

The only reason we haven’t done this is a week after Dad died I had to start caring for Mum, including doing her cleaning, so it’d be me both sprinkling & then vacuuming. Sod that lol.

We may have a scattering with a party, but since he said, “My family didn’t give me the pickings from their arses when I was alive, I’m not feeding the buggers now when I’m dead.” we’re not rushing to do anything with them!

My lovely father in law died in November and had a direct cremation. No service, no fuss. We picked up his ashes a few days after his death and we are having a small family memorial event in the new year.

He wasn't religious and had outlived most friends and family. His choice and one we needed to respect.

I think it's really unfair to not to respect their last wishes. I know people are saying funerals are for the living but what are you going to say in the Eulogy? She didn't want this, she put in her will she didn't want this but we ignored the last thing that she wanted as we wanted to do this.

I'd have a separate gathering.

Direct cremations are increasingly popular, the way round giving your dm her wishes is have a direct cremation then have an internment of ashes which is similar to a funeral but the cremation is already done, it is putting the ashes to their final resting place.

I don’t see how she can get away with ‘not a cremation’, nothing. Are you supposed to put her out for the bin men to recycle?

To me, funerals are largely for those left behind, and I wouldn’t worry too much about not doing precisely what they wanted.

My DF had a bit of a Thing about money wasted on flowers for funerals, and more than once joked that he’d come back and haunt anyone who wasted money on them for his. So my DM - who really wanted him to - put a little bunch on his coffin anyway.
Alas she was disappointed.

I'm an atheist and don't believe in anything after death so I won't give a rats ass what my family do after I'm gone. What I want is for them to do whatever they need to do at the time to get through things. That's it. Whatever they need.

If pushed to state a preference, I'd personally love it if they went for a direct cremation or a minimal service, followed by spending a metric fcuk tonne of money on getting some great champagne in at our favourite local, put a similarly enormous sum behind the bar, getting their most favourite couple of street food vans in town in their courtyard, and having the best afternoon possible in the circumstances on it.

I should add that having organised both my parents' funerals when I was still a teenage only child has coloured my views on allowing the family left behind to do what they need to cope..

I have done it both ways. My dad passed away a few years ago, he didn't want a funeral, his only close family were me and my mum and my mum hates funerals. He was very clear about his wishes. So we decided not to have one. When my mum passed away last year I did have a very small, low key funeral for her, not for me, but her brother and her partner/boyfriend. I can't say I personally gained anything from it. I don't feel I have grieved any differently than I did for my dad. I wondered if I might, having seen so many posts like this, but I don't. There's no amazing sense of comfort or closure. It didn't even save any money, the funeral was cheaper!
It's such a personal choice. What I would say is that it would be nice if people could be a bit more respectful about people who choose to grieve differently from the 'norm' and accept that not everyone feels the same way. There are a multitude of ways to remember a loved one and they don't have to involve standing around a coffin if you don't want to.

My mum said the same to me recently. I think she thought she would be making it easier for me not having to organise abc go through a funeral but I feel like it's part of the grieving process and a kind of closure. It needs further discussion I think.

My elderly parents have signed up and paid for Direct cremation. They want no funeral. This is their wishes which we as a family respect. Once they have both gone we will get together and arrange to scatter the ashes where they wish them to go.
My parents decided this during the pandemic when travel just wasn't available. We are a family who are far flung around the world and they saw just how difficult it would be even during normal times to get everyone together for a funeral.

I think it is a very sensible decision and I will be putting the same plans in place for myself.

My mum suggested this too and I simply said it's up to me and my brothers how we choose to mark her passing.

I think there are some people seemingly arguing for both sides but actually agreeing with one another, and it is to do with the language used.
For me, a 'funeral' is an all encompassing word for getting together to celebrate that person's life. So those having a memorial service or a thanksgiving service or a ceremony to scatter the ashes, and so forth all are meeting that need for those left behind to get together and celebrate the person's life.