To feel sadness that I’m not a better parent

[Coldandfrostytoday]

This isn’t intended as one of those threads where I share some quite minor things that make me a ‘bad mum.’ I don’t think I am notably bad if we consider a sliding scale (rose west, Karen Matthews …) but I’m not good at parenting and like a lot of people don’t enjoy it. If I’m really honest I find my two year old way too much for me. There are a number of areas where I’ve simply had to cede defeat as I have read so much and followed so much advice and it either doesn’t work at all or makes situations ten times worse. So I’m desperately winging it.

He is a really poor eater: always has been. It isn’t that he has foods he doesn’t like, it seems to be more that he doesn’t actually have much interest in eating at all. If he sits at the table he’ll eat a mouthful and get down. Took him to a cafe yesterday with a little garden and play area, food arrived, he took two mouthfuls then ‘down, down.’ Rather than waste his lunch, I ended up following him around his play feeding him. This is not a one off, it happens fairly regularly. I do not see anyone else doing this with their kids - note I’m not necessarily looking for advice on this, feel free to make suggestions but chances are I’ve already tried them, I’ve been trying to solve this for a long time now.

He is very full on and physical, he likes to grab me. This morning, he wakes at 6, comes in bed with me and I put CBeebies on for him and he’s yanking at my hair, grabbing my nose (and trying to shove his fingers up my nostrils 🤢) poking my eyes … I say no, I say it’s too rough, gentle hands, still does it. Lying next to me he’s kicking all the time. I don’t even know why. It fucking hurts and I get really sick of it and I hate feeling so fed up and annoyed when he’s just cuddling me (I know it isn’t ‘nasty’ kicking, probably a sensory thing) but I have this really visceral reaction to it at the same time.

I am on my own with him a lot. I thought we’d do lots of reading, lots of craft activities, but in reality he only wants to read a small selection of books, craft is a non starter.

We do get out and about, but the days are so hard to fill sometimes and not any easier really.

I feel sad as I really thought I’d be much better at parenting than I am and enjoy it a lot more too.

Is he in nursery ? Do you work ?

Right - please listen.

It’s not the fairy tale parenting you had in your head but this is your child. Adapt to the child you have not the child you want. Be patient, calm , love his successes and support his failures and he might just turn into the child you want. He is enough as he is.

Two year olds are grabby. And noisy. They have short attention spans and forget easily. It’s a phase.

I am ngl sometimes I pretended to be cheerful and calm when I was boiling inside. But the payoff is a happy, well rounded child who isn’t afraid of your disappointment or rage.

All the things you describe are perfectly normal.

Sounds a lot like mine at that age. I did the following around feeding thing too. And definitely the anxious comparison with others the same age.

Everyone has a few phases of parenthood where they struggle, and I promise you're not alone in not enjoying the early years! Just do what you have to to get through it, and I'm betting you'll come into your own when he's a little older and less like a tiny drunk cokehead.

You sound lonely . Can you try to come up with a set of things to do each day with him? My 2 year old lives the wipe clean books (eg letters and numbers). He just likes scribbling on them and erasing them! A play park, a coffee somewhere nice (to help you feel more alive and with other adults).

Thanks so much. He’s lovely in many ways - it’s me who I think seems to struggle! Tiny drunk coke head is about right.

I am actually pretty patient on the surface but oh lord I find it hard, really hard.

He is in nursery three days a week while I work.

It won't always be like this! I found the very early years really tough too, particularly with my first. She's 15 now and we are really close.

I know you're not looking for advice with food but my eldest would hardly eat anything at mealtimes either. There was too much else going on especially in cafés. I wouldn't order a whole meal for her, maybe something we could share, that took the pressure off and didn't feel like I was wasting food if she wasn't hungry.

@yoyo1234 we do loads every day but it does feel like an unenjoyable slog a lot of the time if I am honest.

The issue is he is hungry @HarlanPepper - this is what conflicts me so because if he doesn’t eat - and believe me he could go through a whole day barely eating - then we have a bad night because he’s hungry. Which is why I end up doing ridiculous things like following him around a play area with a spoon.

I know it will get better but I feel like I’ve had a prison sentence in some ways, which is an awful thing to say but I am hating this stage so much.

I found life a bit nicer once she turned 3, and it's gotten better since really (now nearly 5), they become easier to reason with and can concentrate for a bit longer.
What saved my sanity when younger was an extra day in nursery when I wasn't at work, I don't know if this is affordable for you, maybe even every few weeks to get some "me" time.

I'd ignore the food part, as long as he's growing he's getting enough

I only managed my year's maternity with little tasks to do with my little one. I find it hard as well. So glad you get some respite with work (I need to work as well, both for me as well as the money ).

I thought I would be this wonderful earth mother who floated through parent hood on joy and laughter!! But no, it had transpired that actually I have found parts of it very hard, I have shouted, cried and am not an earth mother at all. I love dc, life is great, good, rubbish and that is normal. I do my best but I do get it wrong, I think we all do at times. You are not alone.

He is growing but he is on the small/thin side - don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t look like a Dickensian street waif but equally he isn’t a strapping child, it wouldn’t harm him to gain a pound or two (unlike his mother.)

He will eat a varied diet filled with fresh fruits and vegetables, it’s just it takes a lot of work and mess. He’s got porridge now, he’s been eating it since 740 because he keeps wandering off and doing other things.

I have considered an extra day at nursery but it feels horrible - feels like I’m outwardly stating that I don’t enjoy spending time with him - although I don’t if I’m honest. Not him personally of course.

You are 100% not alone and it will get better.

The thing that stands out to me is that you’ve read loads and tried loads of different things and none of it works.

in my opinion (which is only that so don’t worry if you don’t agree) when people say this it’s because they underestimate how long things take to work. Sometimes you have to be boringly consistent in the face of things not working for months (or years!) and only then does it work. If you’ve tried every approach with a 2 year old it’s likely you have tried nothing for long enough.

give yourself a break, know that we are literally ALL winging it. Choose an approach that suits you and stick with it forever. It will get better.

It doesn’t sound like you’re a bad parent, if that’s how you feel.

I have 4 DC who have all brought their own unique challenges!

With the fussy eaters - just don’t make a big deal of it. Put food down, let him eat as much or as little as he wants, but tell him he can only play when lunch is finished so he understands the concept of meal times. If he doesn’t eat much - “are you sure you’re finished” or similar. Then let him go play. Have designated snack times in between meals so he doesn’t go hungry but don’t feed him whenever he asks or he’ll carry on picking at bits knowing that he’ll be able to do it again in half an hour if he asks.

Restaurants/cafes - don’t chase him with food. Sitting and eating a meal is a boundary. If he is too excited to play, just don’t put yourself through the mealtime stress. Either let him eat off your plate, or feed him first before you go, and just let him have a snack and then go and play (which is what he wants to do; toddlers aren’t keen on sitting and politely eating at that age!) if he has a tantrum, take him outside until he calms, give him a cuddle then let him play.

Crafts - make them more age appropriate? Try finger painting where he can get messy. Or baking simple things, using cookie cutters, icing pens etc so it’s more interesting and keeps his attention.

If he’s kicking you/pulling at you and doesn’t listen then personally I would explain that they can’t stay with mummy if they’re going to hurt her, put child back in their cot and let them cry! Go back in after two minutes, explain that they can come back in with mummy if they don’t pull hair/kick. If it happens again, rinse and repeat.

if he has a lot of energy and house stuff doesn’t work - get outside! Walks, take him to the park etc.

having said all of the above - that’s what worked with my children in that moment, it might not work for you. But mine are 16-19 now and we got through all the challenging behaviour and they’re all now pleasant people who love their food, which I never thought would happen at the under 5 stage!

Why don't you go back to work full time? His dad can go part time (that's what we did) or you can up his nursery days. If you're not enjoying it, why put yourself through it?

Oh - and use a high chair so he can’t wander off and do other things!

You are being too hard on yourself and also expecting too much from him. He's two - his attention span is tiny. You do sound a bit lonely and I think if you can find a group of other parents and toddlers you will feel much happier because you'll see this is pretty normal. Regarding the food thing, don't follow him around, unless you think he is unwell he won't starve to death. He's to young to reason I'll eat lunch and then go and play, he just wants to play. You may just have a fussy eater which is frustrating but you need to set boundaries around meal times. I found putting new stuff on my plate but not on my DCs plate made them want to eat it because they are controlling horrors at this age 🤣. Remember you are the adult and if you are having a bad day, tomorrow night be better. Mine are teenagers now and much much easier to deal with than toddlers.

It isn’t as simple as just doing that at the click of my fingers though @MolliciousIntent

Unfortunately as I suspected @Minfilia , it just doesn’t work. I’m obviously not saying it doesn’t not-work for every child, but DS just wouldn’t eat. It’s strange as most of my friends children are very interested in food and enjoy it - they ask for snacks and so on - the only food DS actually sometimes asks for if he sees it are tangerines, there’s certainly far worse he could ask for!

We do get out every day, I think I’ve explained this a couple of times now.

I have considered an extra day at nursery but it feels horrible - feels like I’m outwardly stating that I don’t enjoy spending time with him - although I don’t if I’m honest.

Pfft. Mine was in nursery full time from 9 months. Just do it, if you can afford it! You can always reduce the days again when he's a bit older and you're not so burnt out (which you are, currently).

I don’t have a fussy eater. I can’t think of any food he refuses to eat, he just isn’t particularly interested in eating.

Btw have a look at the 'similar threads' below. See, not alone!

I’d consider another day in nursery for your sanity.

You haven't listed anything you're doing that's wrong, only your toddler's behaviour that you think reflects on you. Toddlers are hard work. Yours doesn't sound any more hard work than mine or any I know. I don't say that to imply that you shouldn't find it hard - I say it to show you that nothing he's doing is a reflection on your parenting. He's just 2. That's it. These are all fairly common behaviours. To be honest, I think in most cases worrying that you're a bad mum is a fairly good indicator that you're pretty decent. Bad mums usually don't care or are oblivious.

It sounds as if he's sensory seeking. Which is fair for his age. He's still too young for most crafts - that's fine motor skills - or much reading - sitting still and focussing. Think gross motor skills, moving his whole body, burying himself in things, jumping, digging, throwing, running, rolling, pushing, dragging, carrying, climbing, scrambling, chasing, twirling, tipping and pouring (outside ).

You're doing fine, some parenting stages are just easier than others to get on with!

He's still little, give yourself a break OP. I too found that young grabby stage reeeeally hard. I was defo not the calm earth mother I thought I'd be!
Not to offer advice really, but, I ended up actually being fairly strict, very much a 'NO' Mum 🤷 Overall it's worked and my kids are now obviously lovely and really not harmed by the boundaries I set (I'll also say my friends with kids who were allowed to do whatever are also lovely kids!)
I really, really didn't enjoy the grabbing and crawling all over me when it wasnt just sitting down having a cuddle, and gave my self a virtual 'Mum Bubble' that when it got too much I'd say..."ok, Mum needs her Mum Bubble back" quick hug and send them in their way!

It will pass OP and it's ok to say NO 😜