To feel sadness that I’m not a better parent

[Coldandfrostytoday]

This isn’t intended as one of those threads where I share some quite minor things that make me a ‘bad mum.’ I don’t think I am notably bad if we consider a sliding scale (rose west, Karen Matthews …) but I’m not good at parenting and like a lot of people don’t enjoy it. If I’m really honest I find my two year old way too much for me. There are a number of areas where I’ve simply had to cede defeat as I have read so much and followed so much advice and it either doesn’t work at all or makes situations ten times worse. So I’m desperately winging it.

He is a really poor eater: always has been. It isn’t that he has foods he doesn’t like, it seems to be more that he doesn’t actually have much interest in eating at all. If he sits at the table he’ll eat a mouthful and get down. Took him to a cafe yesterday with a little garden and play area, food arrived, he took two mouthfuls then ‘down, down.’ Rather than waste his lunch, I ended up following him around his play feeding him. This is not a one off, it happens fairly regularly. I do not see anyone else doing this with their kids - note I’m not necessarily looking for advice on this, feel free to make suggestions but chances are I’ve already tried them, I’ve been trying to solve this for a long time now.

He is very full on and physical, he likes to grab me. This morning, he wakes at 6, comes in bed with me and I put CBeebies on for him and he’s yanking at my hair, grabbing my nose (and trying to shove his fingers up my nostrils 🤢) poking my eyes … I say no, I say it’s too rough, gentle hands, still does it. Lying next to me he’s kicking all the time. I don’t even know why. It fucking hurts and I get really sick of it and I hate feeling so fed up and annoyed when he’s just cuddling me (I know it isn’t ‘nasty’ kicking, probably a sensory thing) but I have this really visceral reaction to it at the same time.

I am on my own with him a lot. I thought we’d do lots of reading, lots of craft activities, but in reality he only wants to read a small selection of books, craft is a non starter.

We do get out and about, but the days are so hard to fill sometimes and not any easier really.

I feel sad as I really thought I’d be much better at parenting than I am and enjoy it a lot more too.

On the nursery point - if you can afford it and he's happy enough there then do it. When we were planning nursery for my daughter (at a much younger age than this) we calculated what it would cost us to put her in only four days a week and one of us have a day with her each week - we'd lose a bit of money, but really not much. Different parents might have felt it was worth a few quid a week to spend quality time with their child. But because my partner and I are on the same page regarding a zero-guilt approach to parenting we were both very quick to agree that we don't actually enjoy it enough at this age to want an extra day with her, so five days a week it is! Seriously, the only person judging you for wanting time off from a two year old is you, so I would just do whatever it takes to get through this stage with your sanity relatively intact. That's my approach.

Mine was in nursery part time from 6 months and full time by a year even though I only worked 2.5 days . He was happier there he’s a child that needs a lot of stimulation . Even now he’s much older he drives me insane over half term and I even pay the childminder to have him a few days here and there in the holidays when I’m not even at work or uni. I did similar with my other child many years ago. I’m not a bad parent my kids couldn’t be more looked after and happy , I just couldn’t be with them 24/7. It’s not a competition no one get a sticker for suffering . If you have a hyper child send them to nursery to wear them out . It’s common sense .No guilt .

My friend's son was like this at 2, continued to be so until around 7 or 8. He has adhd. Have you asked for advice from the health visitor?

I'm going to let you into a secret - I went back to work full time and DC1 went to a full time nursery from 9 months to escape.
I didn't even need the money or particularly like the job! 😂
Pre schoolers are hard and 2 year olds are the worst of the bunch. I promise you you're not a bad mum

I haven’t, to be honest. I last saw her over a year ago, and nursery have raised no concerns.

Thank you, for such warm and kind responses, by the way. I really am more grateful than I can put into words.

I totally get the guilt OP. I absolutely loved being with my first child as he was so easy and chilled out and my second is way more intense ad all over the place. I find him so draining to be with. He is also way more loving and imaginative than my first though, so as he gets older he gets more and more fun. I don’t know what the answer is. I get the guilt. Just do your best abd take conscious note of each moment of joy

I honestly think that literally every bit you’ve mentioned will be totally solved by him getting older. My DD was an absolute shitbag at 2- raging tantrums, scratching, biting, inconsistent sleep, relentless energy. She dropped her nap right as we went into lockdown and I cried like a baby because I didn’t get that hours break in the afternoon anymore!

I don’t think any of this makes you or me a bad mum, it’s just a really tough stage. And aside from cuddles, you don’t really get to “reap” much from all the stuff you’re constantly “sowing”, if that makes sense. But in a couple of years time when it all settles down, you’ll see the benefits of being a loving presence all this time and feel like you’ve done a good job.

Oh and just thought he'll qualify for 30 hours when he's 3 so he'll be out of the house 9-3 running around like a loon and doing all that messy craft stuff at nursery

I really hated this stage and actually applied for a full time job with a long commute so I didn't have to spend as much time with DD! I didn't get the job and we carried on struggling onwards (I was working 3 days a week which was basically how I kept my sanity).

It was so much better once she turned three. Still has moments but parenting did become enjoyable, at least some of the time.

I found it helpful to get a break where I could so a couple of evenings out a week once DH home from work. I also used annual leave to have some 'me time' where I went for long walks on my own.

If he goes to nursery 3 days a week, think of your days with him as chill out days where he has to fit into what you want to do. You aren’t a children’s entertainer. Toddlers can get stuck in helping with chores, shopping etc and also get a lot out of it. If you focus on your time with him as him experiencing life and the world generally, he can do all the crafty stuff and children’s entertainment stuff at nursery. Go for local works and reign in your ambitions massively and you might start to enjoy it more.

I think you're doing fine. You just have a toddler who is very - well, toddler. If nursery haven't raised concerns, chances are everything is well. Please lower your expectations - of yourself as the perfect mother. Mine weren't interested in crafts and baking until they were about 4!

And if an extra day at nursery would help, do it. My two were at nursery full time from 6 months (this was before you got almost a year's paid mat leave) and they're wonderful well adjusted young adults now.

Please stop beating yourself up.

That's good that nursery haven't raised concerns. Hard times for you, but as someone else said this too shall pass. I remember reading this phrase when mine were little and made me cry. There were so many obstacles, so many challenges.. but they eventually did pass.

I might make an appointment to speak to a health visitor and talk to them about what you've posted here. Ask them for their opinion, they will have seen loads of 2 year olds and will also likely to put you at ease.

Two year olds are HARD WORK. Little irrational dictators. Especially if they don’t sodding sleep.

Don’t worry if you’re not enjoying this phase. It doesn’t make you a bad mother. It just means that you (and maybe your child) are not cut out for the toddler stage.
He sounds like a bright kid who is interested in everything and needs a lot of stimulation of all kinds. He will probably be much easier as an older child once he can talk and read and entertain himself more easily.

Would you consider putting the TV on while he eats? It’s not a great habit to get into but I remember doing it at this stage briefly for exactly this reason. Otherwise like yours, DD just wanted to be up and about after a few bits - and she was terrible when she was hungry. You can then stop the TV when they are a bit older, or allow the same amount of TV but at a different time of day.

Does he nap? I wonder if he’s like my DD who needed a nap but resisted it fiercely <sigh>

Hi OP. My kid has never been like other kids eating out either. Doesnt sit still, doesnt eat.
The only way to happiness is to let go and shrug or even better laugh it off. You provided food, if they dont eat, they dont eat. Have a one sided conversation with him if in a cafe, pointing things out to look at.
If he's on you in the mornings and wont zone out to tv while you lie in, he wants you up and interacting. Tickle him. Count his fingers and toes. Ask him to find different body parts. Go under the duvet with him being lions. All from a lying down position for you.
Dont read countless methods or books. Go with what he's interested in. Be silly. Dance to Koo Koo Kangeroo on youtube. Give him a splashy bath and dont get cross when the floor gets wet.
Get one of those push along trike things and push him along.
Crafts..ha. I once gave dd a bowl of water and a bowl of cous cous and let her get on with it while I very deliberately didnt mind it all going on the floor. She does do painting but I hold onto the water pot and she wears an apron.
Honestly op, say fuck it and dont try to control the situation. I mean keep him safe and tell him when hes doing something hurty or dangerous, but otherwise, you'll get through it.

This is fantastic advice.

My son needed a different parenting style from the one I wanted to use - he wanted rough play, I hate all that and would rather do craft and imaginery play. Heavy work, digging, shifting logs was his idea of heaven. I managed the rough-housing by setting up rules around it that the person being tickled/attacked has complete control by saying the words "go" and "stop". So they can get as much sensory input as they want but it never becomes unpleasant for them. And I never once reneged on that, I stopped when he said stop every single time. This was my version of giving him the rough play he craved. Regular sessions of this helped him regulate, I think, so he didn't need to break stuff so much.

Age 2 is HARD. His behaviour sounds normal for that age and TBH so does your reaction. It would be lovely if we could all enjoy every minute of motherhood but it's just not realistic for some of us and we have to grit our teeth through some parts!

He will keep changing as he grows and I suspect it will become easier and more enjoyable for you. Please don't be hard on yourself.

I experienced similar and I had to lower my expectations and meet my child where they were. So forget about the crafting and the baking and the books and focus on what they enjoy. Once I stopped trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole life got infinitely better.

Re. the eating I have two with small appetites. I still have to feed them sometimes and they’re six and nine. At this stage if I can get some veg and fruit into them daily alongside everything else I see it as a win. I too made the mistake of ordering expensive food at a soft play and then basically not eating in the early years. I soon learned that just didn’t work. I’d either make sure I ordered the packed lunch version so it didn’t need eating in one go, or I’d bring some food with me in a bag and get a little bit out at a time (so the staff didn’t tell me off 🤦🏻‍♀️).

you’ll be glad to know my child got hugely more ‘normal’ around seven and is now a wonderful human being at nine who will even craft and bake with me!!!!! Just focus on your own mental health right now and take the pressure off yourself to be performative.

Everything you describe is normal, and you're doing fine! Don't be so hard on yourself. Some kids eat lots in one go, some don't. Sounds like your DS is a grazer, my youngest was like this too. I stopped stressing about him eating big meals and offered him little & often throughout the day. As he gets older and starts school the routine will force the change to three meals a day but he's not there yet. Make up a 'picky' lunch and let him come and go. That way you'll know he's eating enough but takes away the stress of expecting him to sit and eat it in one go. If it's any consolation, even my eldest who was generally a good eater, went through a phase of living on breadsticks, houmous, rice cakes and jam and yoghurt. He's now 13 and eats like a typical teenage boy!

PS he's only 2, crafting and baking will come later!

This really sounds like my girl is when she was two. She's nearly three now and it's only just getting the fraction of a bit better. She also has tantrums and throws herself on the floor any time she doesn't get her way. In public, at home - whenever.

She used to kick me constantly ( even when I was pregnant ), nothing worked to get her to stop.

At around age two, she was so so so fussy with food. She's still not amazing, but much better. But she's a kid ! I think it's normal for a lot of kids to be like this.

I decided to completely stop caring what she ate, as long as she ate something. I know, it's not right either. But I just completely took the pressure off myself and off her. No expectations. I wouldn't ever have followed her around with food. The more I push her, the less she wants to do what I want her to do. I just don't show her that I care about whether she eats or not. Otherwise it becomes a power game. Even now, if she doesn't want to eat, I leave her to it, until eventually she does. I just put stuff in front of her and see what happens ! The more I try to get her to do something, the more she resists. She shows interest in stuff, as soon as she notices I'm trying to get her to continue / I'm excited about it, she stops showing interest. Defiant little thing !

Everything you said about your little boy, sounds really familiar. He's only 2 ! They don't do crafts at 2. My girl is only now even remotely interested in staying in one place for more than 30 seconds and being interested in anything for a few minutes. At 2, she was all over the place. Same with books too. Just does not care ! Because she knows I want her to care. I don't think we are bad parents, I think you're expecting a 2 year old to act like a 4 year old perhaps. They're just not reasonable at 2. That's my impression anyway from my DD. Maybe some kids are different.

I wouldn't stress about it.

Ohh if you have the space, a mini trampoline (the ones with a handle) was a godsend at this age. also space hoppers, rocking toys and anything in that vein.

OP, you seem to have swallowed a lie that parenthood is and should be in its entirety a blissful uninterrupted sea of calm delivered by the mother. This doesn't exist and feeling angry when you are kicked in the stomach and face is what every regulated person should and will feel. Apart from figuring out how to survive the years of toddlerhood and help your child grow well, you should also consider why you berate yourself for totally normal responses and measure yourself against an imagined non-existent norm that is only useful if you want to repress and devalue yourself. Your comment about nursery jumped out at me. There are countries with a happy population (Denmark) where virtually all children go to (state-funded) nursery full time when they are 1. The British idea of the mother who needs to stay at home and intensely enjoy toddlerhood is bonkers.

This. Also give it a year and you'll be doing non stop crafts! Its an age thing x

He sounds completely normal for two and also that he likes things differently to you. That's the biggest surprise about children I think, that they don't like what you like.

So in the morning don't try and stay in bed, just get up and go straight downstairs and get duplo bricks out or something.

Meal times, make sure that there are nontoys or anything interesting in the room where food is. Toddlers are really distracted by fun stuff and eating is boring. That means definitely not trying to eat at a play opportunity. Instead eat at home with nonstimulaton and then go out.

As he gets older attention span will get longer and baking and craft will happen.

At the moment attention span is about 15 minutes, which does mean thinking of four things to do in an hour.

You are doing great