To feel sadness that I’m not a better parent

[Coldandfrostytoday]

This isn’t intended as one of those threads where I share some quite minor things that make me a ‘bad mum.’ I don’t think I am notably bad if we consider a sliding scale (rose west, Karen Matthews …) but I’m not good at parenting and like a lot of people don’t enjoy it. If I’m really honest I find my two year old way too much for me. There are a number of areas where I’ve simply had to cede defeat as I have read so much and followed so much advice and it either doesn’t work at all or makes situations ten times worse. So I’m desperately winging it.

He is a really poor eater: always has been. It isn’t that he has foods he doesn’t like, it seems to be more that he doesn’t actually have much interest in eating at all. If he sits at the table he’ll eat a mouthful and get down. Took him to a cafe yesterday with a little garden and play area, food arrived, he took two mouthfuls then ‘down, down.’ Rather than waste his lunch, I ended up following him around his play feeding him. This is not a one off, it happens fairly regularly. I do not see anyone else doing this with their kids - note I’m not necessarily looking for advice on this, feel free to make suggestions but chances are I’ve already tried them, I’ve been trying to solve this for a long time now.

He is very full on and physical, he likes to grab me. This morning, he wakes at 6, comes in bed with me and I put CBeebies on for him and he’s yanking at my hair, grabbing my nose (and trying to shove his fingers up my nostrils 🤢) poking my eyes … I say no, I say it’s too rough, gentle hands, still does it. Lying next to me he’s kicking all the time. I don’t even know why. It fucking hurts and I get really sick of it and I hate feeling so fed up and annoyed when he’s just cuddling me (I know it isn’t ‘nasty’ kicking, probably a sensory thing) but I have this really visceral reaction to it at the same time.

I am on my own with him a lot. I thought we’d do lots of reading, lots of craft activities, but in reality he only wants to read a small selection of books, craft is a non starter.

We do get out and about, but the days are so hard to fill sometimes and not any easier really.

I feel sad as I really thought I’d be much better at parenting than I am and enjoy it a lot more too.

As pp have said, a lot of these problems will sort themselves out as he gets older without you actually doing anything about them. If an extra nursery day is what you need to retain your sanity and be a kind and patient parent, no judgement here.

Does he eat any better at nursery?

OK- he's two. That is a horrible age for some!! You will enjoy him when the relationship is less physical (by that I mean having to feed, dress, wipe nose etc). Come back when he is 6 and see if things are better.

With my first we resorted to tablet time whilst eating! Worked a treat, even in cafes. Not ideal I know, and I was worried about being judged, but in the end decided I didn't care, as it was the easiest option. He doesn't do that now, and all these phases pass.

If you ever worry you’re not a good mum, then you are one. If you wasn’t, then you wouldn’t care would you.
YOU ARE ENOUGH. 💐

it does get easier so hang in there. The moments of true joy and happiness and the best days of your lives are yet to come.

I had mum guilt when I put my little one in to nursery an extra day a week when I didn't need too but it's been the making of us - he's more settled because he now has a more stringent routine. I get a day to myself - to do the cleaning, shopping etc uninterrupted and I feel it's made me better when I'm with him because I enjoy our time together more.

Oh sweet Jesus, I could have written this op word for word twelve years ago.

First things first, you are a better parent than you think you are - because you wouldn't have written out this post if you weren't, and you wouldn't be worrying about it the way you are if you were a shit parent.

I've got 3 DCs - one now adult, and two teens.
I'll be honest, I HATED the toddler stage. I thought I'd be good at it, but I wasn't.
My younger two were just over a year apart, and I'd had visions of me sitting with them in the garden, the baby lying happily gazing up at the wind chime hanging from the apple tree - while my toddler played happily at my feet. Maybe we'd collect apples together, and pop inside to make a wholesome pie?

No, it was fucking crap, most of the time.
My toddler didn't subscribe to the parenting ideal that I had in my head.
I needed to relearn my view of parenting, and adapt it to the kids I had - rather than the ones I'd created in my head.

So, I did what I could manage. My toddler enjoyed playing with water, so I spent many an afternoon just filling a basin with lukewarm soapy water and letting him wash several plastic plates and cups.
In dryer weather, he loved getting a big paintbrush and "painting" the garden fence with water.

It's not quite the activities that the mums from my NCT group were providing, but it got us through the day in one piece.

My DCs are now 24, 15 & 14 and, without wanting to blow my own trumpet, I'm a bloody brilliant mum to teenagers!
I've really found my specialty, if you like, and all three of my kids have survived having a pretty patchy mum when they were little.
Unbelievably, they seem to think I'm pretty good too - so we survived, and we're all doing just fine.

Honestly, OP, don't waste time beating yourself up. You're their mum, you're doing what you can in the moment, and I promise you - that's enough.

So much sympathy for you. I was in the same situation when DD was two.

It gets so much better when they're a bit older. She's nearly 4 now and loves crafts, reading, she can sit still and actually concentrate for several minutes at a time now! At two she was a complete hooligan who sometimes seemed to hate me!

I did go back to work 5 days a week and have no regrets. Now I still work FT but take afternoons off sometimes so we can hang out just the two of us. I love taking her swimming or to the library or whatever. It only changed when she was about 3 though. Give it time.

Hi OP, I've also got a food refuser (nearly) 2 over here. I don't EVER order him food. I order something for me that he can have a few bits of if/while he's sitting at the table. Then In my bag I have his favourite crisp, biscuit, pouch, yoghurt, etc and I'll offer those intermittently through the day at points when he's receptive (ish!)

To be clear - he's underweight (but I think just his body type honestly, DH is the same in his baby pics) and doesn't eat like the other toddlers we know, so I haven''t "solved" it! But he sleeps well because I think it full enough, and I\m never stressing about his unfinished plate.

Be kind to yourself, they are all just their own tiny weirdos and there's no rules (my 5yo is overweight because totally food obsessed so I'm a terrible mum on both ends of the child weight spectrum! I'm doing my best thought so MEH).

I used to blend vegetables into a sauce that I put on everything. They never noticed 😁

Your son is 2, that can be a very intense parenting stage. It does get easier, it really does. You relax into parenting a bit more and they calm down. Not every issue disappears obviously but you find ways to manage things like fussy eating. The most important thing I’ve learned is pick your battles and sometimes we expect too much from younger children. I struggled at the toddler and preschool stage with one of mine, I was just expecting too much and had to learn to adapt.

You sound like a lovely mum with an active little boy. 2 year olds don't really do crafts! They do mess. Let nursery worry about doing painting with him.

You are doing fine! Honesty! This all sounds really normal. Yes, some parents get the sort of kids that sit nicely and cuddle. Others don't. My so needed my attention 24/7. Very physical. Needs still at 4 for me to stay in his bed until he falls asleep. My daughter is completely different. Self contained. Shes 18 months. Busy playing with her teddies just now. Easy.

With my son getting out the house was the key to survival. Meet up with others. Company for you activity for them. But honestly, don't beat yourself up!

You sound lovely and caring OP, and life with a fussy eater toddler is just so tough! Been there done that

My oldest would not eat much, apart from a few "safe" foods, like pasta , banana, ham, scrambled egg.

He was in hospital on a drip twice because he was so skinny, he had no reserves and got very bad quickly

The stress was unreal. I remember giving him these smoothies (banana or straws, full fat milk and some soaked oats all blended together) once or twice a day. That really was a success. Also just gave him energy dense food he liked such as buttery pasta, cheese, etc.

It only stopped being a struggle when I let go. I gave him food (and those smoothies), and he ate what he ate and that was that.

He is now a 6ft3 tattooed bearded man still slim, but that's just his build, and amazingly quite a foodie who loves cooking steak

There is hope out there

Just sack the idea of going to a café with your kid if he isn't a sit down at the table type. My kids would never sit at the table in cafés, I wasted so much time meeting people and trying to fit in with them and their kids that would happily sit and eat a meal provided for them. It's just a waste of money because you end up buying a coffee and food just to have to wander round after your kid. Even the iPad wasn't much use. I would say that 3 meals a day is just not realistic for some kids. Mine would eat a lot in one meal and then virtually nothing at the others.

I wouldn't put up with this. If he was hurting me in bed I would've got up. Later I would have sat him down and explained. That if he wants to come into my bed, he's gentle, or else he won't be allowed in, in future.

I found my DD so hard when she was 2! It was all a slog and most of the time, I just wanted to get through the day. Forget all the shite about treasuring every moment. It's OK not to enjoy parenting.

As others have said, things improved once she got older, and finally stopped kicking me in the vag during morning 'cuddles'!

If you need an extra nursery day to get through it, go for it. If you have break and feel happier, you will be a more patient, resilient parent.

I can empathise as when DS was young (pre school) I found the day to day with him intensely boring. Despite loving him massively. Just the whole rigmarole of keeping a toddler fed and entertained....just bone crushingly dull for me. Some people love it, but it just wasnt for me. Made me feel like a bad mum. But its just a short phase in the bigger scheme. Ditch the crafts. I defaulted to lots of playground time tbh. It will get better. Is 4 days a week of work an option?

He's tiny OP, still a baby really. Don't beat yourself up. You can't force him to eat and he won't starve himself. DS (now 15) used to shove his cold little feet REALLY hard under me in bed and then continue pushing hard. He said it felt nice. Really annoyed me.

And ignore ALL idealised, SM-driven images of adorable, co-operative kids cutely doing crafts. It's mainly bollocks.

I found the basic toddler groups in church halls really good at this stage. Not toddler class but the sort of place where you turn up, pay £2 and they get 90 mins of running around, riding trikes, building things, crashing around, generally causing chaos, maybe a messy craft like finger painting (saves doing it at home), probably a song and story.

It lets them burn off energy in a safe environment, it's cheap, they provide coffee and cake for parents and also people to commiserate with about what a nightmare this stage is.

I would say never compare your child to anyone else's. Chances are they have their own struggles with other things. It's just hard. I'm at the same stage and I don't do much crafts with mine as it can be for 3 mins.

My DS was really hard work as a toddler. I felt self conscious in public with him so in all honesty I tended to stay home or visit family rather than attempt days out. I adore him, but I didn't adore being his mum in those years. As long as you do all the usual caring stuff, read to him, cuddle him etc then he'll be absolutely fine.

Tbh he's 12 now and I'm still unconvinced about days out. They make great photos but I can't remember any that didn't involve at least one of us getting pissed off, food was always an issue and once you add in other family members with differing parenting styles, shoot me now. My DS likes his home, that's where he's happiest. There's no need to create stress for everyone by expecting successful activities when the kids haven't read the effing rule book.

Ok for starters he’s two remind yourself that’s he’s just two! My middle daughter is two and she bites, slaps, kicks, is a general handful. My first daughter wasn’t and my third child isn’t either. Every kid is different and you kind of just have to go with them and keep up reminding them what they’re supposed to do until the penny drops. Trust me everyone goes through it! And yes it’s not fun.

the food thing if he’s hungry he’ll eat if he’s not and there’s more interesting things out there he’s not that hungry. All three of mine are offered food and if they don’t want it and want to get down that’s ok you can’t force them to eat (in my opinion) I let them come to me and tell me if they’re hungry if they chose not to eat and I have saved their lunch and they can have it when they’re hungry. Honestly if you look into it toddlers tummy’s are still tiny and they really don’t need loads of food. Some days they eat more and some days less. Don’t worry.

lastly don’t be too hard on your self you’ve got this ❤️

I was where you were when my boy was 2.

He was physical, threw food relentlessly in public, he didn't sleep, and he was like a bull in China shop! did the opposite of EVERYTHING we asked of him.. and I tried so hard, but I just got to the point where I was convinced I was such an awful awful mum. I didn't enjoy it, I loved work to much, I had a hands on amazing husband and even that wasn't enough.

But you know what, my standards were way to high! As a previous poster said, I adapted to my child, and not the one I had i thought he had to be. I stopped caring what people thought and about appearances, I told family that commented to fuck off, and got on with it.

He is 6 now, and the most wonderful, caring, compassionate, clever, selfless little boy you ever did meet. He is polite, has amazing table manners and he is the top of his class for everything. He can still be challenging. But that's fine, because the god bits now hugely outweigh the bad.

I spent night after night sobbing amongst household carnage about being an awful mum who hated it, and all the while I was being a really really good one!

Give yourself a break my love. Love him, let him eat when he is hungry, stop Caring about what you think you should be doing and get on with what works for you and him. I promise you, you will come out the other side.

Xx

I have a theory that there isn't a single person on the planet who actually enjoys parenting a toddler. Anyone who says otherwise is part of some big conspiracy told to lie to ensure the continuation of the species.

They're called the terrible twos for a reason OP. It's not just just the tantrums, it's the fact that everything is exciting and overwhelming to them, and they have to do it right now, and eating and drinking and not jumping off stupid high ledges are all inconveniences that just get in the way of what they want to do RIGHT NOW.

It will pass, at some point the turn from little balls of energy into people. People who you can reason with, people who you can have a conversation. Until then, you just hang on for the ride.

He has a roof over his head, he's not underweight, he's not hurt himself, and you're giving him an interesting and varied life. That makes you a good parent. Whether you're enjoying it makes no difference to him right now.