To feel sadness that I’m not a better parent

[Coldandfrostytoday]

This isn’t intended as one of those threads where I share some quite minor things that make me a ‘bad mum.’ I don’t think I am notably bad if we consider a sliding scale (rose west, Karen Matthews …) but I’m not good at parenting and like a lot of people don’t enjoy it. If I’m really honest I find my two year old way too much for me. There are a number of areas where I’ve simply had to cede defeat as I have read so much and followed so much advice and it either doesn’t work at all or makes situations ten times worse. So I’m desperately winging it.

He is a really poor eater: always has been. It isn’t that he has foods he doesn’t like, it seems to be more that he doesn’t actually have much interest in eating at all. If he sits at the table he’ll eat a mouthful and get down. Took him to a cafe yesterday with a little garden and play area, food arrived, he took two mouthfuls then ‘down, down.’ Rather than waste his lunch, I ended up following him around his play feeding him. This is not a one off, it happens fairly regularly. I do not see anyone else doing this with their kids - note I’m not necessarily looking for advice on this, feel free to make suggestions but chances are I’ve already tried them, I’ve been trying to solve this for a long time now.

He is very full on and physical, he likes to grab me. This morning, he wakes at 6, comes in bed with me and I put CBeebies on for him and he’s yanking at my hair, grabbing my nose (and trying to shove his fingers up my nostrils 🤢) poking my eyes … I say no, I say it’s too rough, gentle hands, still does it. Lying next to me he’s kicking all the time. I don’t even know why. It fucking hurts and I get really sick of it and I hate feeling so fed up and annoyed when he’s just cuddling me (I know it isn’t ‘nasty’ kicking, probably a sensory thing) but I have this really visceral reaction to it at the same time.

I am on my own with him a lot. I thought we’d do lots of reading, lots of craft activities, but in reality he only wants to read a small selection of books, craft is a non starter.

We do get out and about, but the days are so hard to fill sometimes and not any easier really.

I feel sad as I really thought I’d be much better at parenting than I am and enjoy it a lot more too.

I hated being a parent for the first few years it was so much harder than I imagined, my child was everything you described, she’s now a sassy 6 year old and has a 3 year old sister and together they fight constantly. Do I enjoy being a Mum? 50:50 of the time probably, but would I change it on the other hand, not at all, I never felt complete until I had them, they’re the best thing I’ve ever done. But if you talk openly to honest friends you’ll see the majority feel the same.

Oh love. I didn't enjoy toddler stage either. I loved them but I like them a lot more now that they're older. Once they got 4/5 we were OK!

I'd just get up. He wakes up excited, it's a new day! No point getting mad trying to watch TV in bed. He's awake!

I hated parenting toddlers. Love a newborn but anything from 1-4 was a drag. Mine are all at school now and I must say, I really enjoy it. Yes they bicker and get on my nerves at times but they are a lot more delightful then the toddler stage. You're not on your own with it at all and it will get better. Keep going, you're doing a grand job just as you are.

You’ve got a toddler and you’re knackered.
I remember it well!

don’t feed him at an activity. It’s too much for him. Of course he wants to run round soft play. Take a sandwich box. Chuck the food in it and give it him in the car/pushchair on the way home.
my son would never eat if there’s something more interesting to do! (Even as a permanently starving teen).

he’s a man. One task at a time. Eat or soft play. Not both.

does he still have milk? If he doesn’t eat much, I’d give him an extra cup of milk to fill him up! (I also still apply this to my now teen! - though he tends to do it himself as a fruit/milk smoothie)

do nursery manage to make him eat? (If they don’t suspect because that is the only task in hand at that time & playing won’t be allowed).
mid he well fed after nursery such that he sleeps and you can rest?
mid this is the case, put him in more! DO NOT feel guilty about doing what is best for you both !

also I know you say quite a few times you go out everyday. Do you have “chill out” time too? It doesn’t have to be all tv/screen. Books, music, independent play without full on interaction from you are all important too! (& I’m not knocking screen time! It can be an excellent and stimulating way for you both to relax if he’s watching something you don’t want to throw a brick at!)

also. Advice is great! But no one else is you. It might take you a little older than him being two for you to realise that “winging it” is the only way!!

Welcome to the ranks of miserable parents with 2 year olds! As loads of others have said, it sucks. It sucks more than just tantrums. They are like tornadoes bent on their own destruction - including things like not eating and drinking, refusing to wash, refusing to use the toilet, refusing to share…

Feel free to ignore but mine (nearly 2.5) got easier once I banned all screen time. He was only watching maybe 30 mins a day of awful kids YouTube videos on our phones, but it turned him into a proper monster. We held off giving him screens until he was 2 and then immediately regretted it. He now eats a tiny bit more and plays better with toys. He is still bf so I don’t worry about what he eats. As someone else said, if he’s not underweight, you’re doing your job!
It is so hard though. You’re not alone.

We are all just winging it ! Some ages are just better than others. Maybe the toddler stage just isn't for you! Do your best, keep them alive and show them you love them ❤️

Can we all just be honest about crafts and the fact that they're completely pointless until children are at least 4, if not 5? They retain a child's interest for approx 10 mins max, they make a massive mess, and they're really stressful. IGNORE INSTAGRAM, bin the crafts, buy a tonne of duplo.

That sounds so much like my oldest son.
He was a very loud boisterous boy at that age.
My son was diagnosed as autistic at age 9 (although I knew a few years before this)
Your son is still young so may well grow through this phase, but I would keep a watch as he gets older. Trust your gut if something feels off but you can't put your finger on it.

We spent a lot of time outdoors which he loved.

You and me both hon, I could have written your post. I have two 4 year olds that don't eat, I also follow them around softplay with a plate of food, you're not alone. You may want to have him checked out though there are all sorts of reasons for poor feeding, ours have just been sent to Paeds for a check over (bad reflux when babies, always had poor growth and sleep). How's his weight/height? Xx

Aw I feel you @Coldandfrostytoday , my boys are 2 and they constantly want food but actually getting them to SIT down, unless it's on me with one hand down my top and the other one trying to feed ME lol.. And like yours just so PHYSICAL!!

It just takes time. For them to get idler and annoying for a different reason 😂. I couldn't imagine the stress of doing it as a single parent and working on top.

When is he 3? You'll presumably qualify for the 30hours so you could up him now in prep for that and it will be easier to convince work about taking on hours if childcare is sorted.

Is Dad about at all? Can he sleep over one night now he's getting older?

I have a very similar sounding 2 year old, And if she were my first she would have been my
only! We don’t do crafts or bake (let nursery deal with that chaos). She likes books and running around and we get out every day, she likes nothing more then the freedom of walking around a supermarket. She watches tv, she colours (on the table,floor,toys and occasionally paper), She tries to ‘help’. She still has a bottle at bedtime. Days can seem monotonous to me but she’s great, having a blast even when im not. You don’t have to be an insta mum, your child will have no idea about ‘good parenting’ as long as he is safe, loved and cared for. Try to enjoy it for what it is and who he is though I appreciate many days that is easier said then done.

Honestly I hated the toddler years, I'm not a patient person and I found it really challenging having this tiny little gremlin who wanted to do the opposite of what I actually needed them to do. DS went through a delightful phase of running away when I went to collect him from nursery and I'd have to carry him out kicking and screaming with him under my arm like a sack of spuds........really didn't make me feel like the best parent. DD would meltdown at the slightest thing and was stubborn as a mule!

The good news is once their conversational skills develop from 3 onwards they're actually really quite good company (they all have their moment still). My DS is now 6 and DD 3 (almost 4) and they're just so much easier.

I'd rather a newborn to a toddler any day age 1 - 2.5 is just a really hard slog but you'll get there I promise!

Hi OP

Just wanted to say that I had a 2 year old like yours. Didnt sleep, shit eater, destroyed everything she touched, could take every toy out in the house in 2 min flat. Didnt like being taken walks. Or sitting on my knee. Or lots of things. I'd show her a book and she would rip it up.

Now she is 5 and is honestly the best thing in my life. Still doesnt sleep or eat very well but I've learnt to accept the eating anyway (it's my job to make healthy stuff and it's her choice to accept it or not). Like you I tried everything and nothing worked so I had no choice but to give up, because trying, reading around it, getting HV advice etc did nothing but make me stressed. But her imagination is fascinating, she is so kind, and hilarious, and quirky, and brings a fresh perspective to everything and has loads of friends. And now it all seems worth it. She still destroys lots but it seems out of a genuine interest in how things work, rather than an anger. I found from 2.5ish she got gradually easier

Not sure what I'm trying to say other than you're not a shit mum. The best mum in the world would still struggle to get your son to eat. Or sit still. People can't and shouldn't try and change other peoples personalities and preferences as long as they're not hurting others.

I'm not a great mum. I am impatient. I work too much. I am not a morning person and they spend time on the tablet in the morning. But somehow my difficuly child is doing very well, and is happy, and her 'difficult' traits mean she is not taking any shit from anyone. and I'm now worried about my other child who is a lot more compliant and quiet and desperate to do things she is uncomfortable with, to fit it in.

You are more than enough

I just want to say a huge, huge thank you to all of you who have replied, who have made me laugh, smile, understand. I knew parenting would be hard, but I think I was very focused on getting through the first eighteen months.

We did have a point where DS seemed fairly easy, relatively speaking - he was predictable, went down happily for a two hour nap, ate well, and the summer days were a joy to fill. Now it is winter and he’s fighting his nap and he doesn’t eat well!

I am married but DH is away a lot, it’s easier to have a sense of humour when there’s more than one of you I find!

You managed 2 hour naps? I bow to your skills!

Glad you are feeling better OP.

We went through a really grim phase when DD was fighting naps aged 2. She needed them but didn't want them! We persisted and she eventually went back to napping - finally dropped them completely aged 4 (she dropped to a few times a week from about 3). She was such a tired mess when she was fighting them though.

At that age my husband would have taken him to get a present for me, and I would have helped him get a present for his Dad. As has been said above it's not really fair to expect him to sort it out for himself, he'll do it when he's older. Or go with him to get a present for his dad and for you, turn your back while he picks yours!

Oh I want to scream at my 3yo daily. She's lovely but wow is it hard. Every word is either no or why 🙄 She breezed through 2 and is a total pain in my ass at 3. She's clever, artistic, good eater, loving and very sweet....with a truckload of big feelings waiting to spill over. So I can't fully understand the eating and hitting issues but parenting is not easy.

You may well have already looked, but solid starts (specifically their instagram page) is great for eating (founder had a child fall off the centile charts by not eating, admittedly due to fussiness, so she KNOWS what it's like). And big little feelings have scripts saved in their instagram highlights for hitting/kicking/grabbing etc. This involves literally moving yourself away so they can't do it, explaining why and the feelings involved. Only advice I can give is it takes consistency, consistent boundaries and not letting them do some of the undesirable/painful behaviours, sometimes for months, to see improvement. (All my experience is only neurotypical btw, in case relevant for anyone reading)
And solidarity, it IS hard. You are NOT a bad parent for finding it hard and not a bed of sunshine and rainbows. Even people who give the impression that it is, via their social media etc, are only ever showing the perfect moments. Not the times they yell, or cry, or despair. I've shouted at mine until she howled with tears because honestly what she did was just beyond the pale. Oh I regretted it and you better believe I still feel guilty. We all lose our calm sometimes, and I'm getting a lot better at holding it than I ever thought I'd be