To feel sadness that I’m not a better parent

[Coldandfrostytoday]

This isn’t intended as one of those threads where I share some quite minor things that make me a ‘bad mum.’ I don’t think I am notably bad if we consider a sliding scale (rose west, Karen Matthews …) but I’m not good at parenting and like a lot of people don’t enjoy it. If I’m really honest I find my two year old way too much for me. There are a number of areas where I’ve simply had to cede defeat as I have read so much and followed so much advice and it either doesn’t work at all or makes situations ten times worse. So I’m desperately winging it.

He is a really poor eater: always has been. It isn’t that he has foods he doesn’t like, it seems to be more that he doesn’t actually have much interest in eating at all. If he sits at the table he’ll eat a mouthful and get down. Took him to a cafe yesterday with a little garden and play area, food arrived, he took two mouthfuls then ‘down, down.’ Rather than waste his lunch, I ended up following him around his play feeding him. This is not a one off, it happens fairly regularly. I do not see anyone else doing this with their kids - note I’m not necessarily looking for advice on this, feel free to make suggestions but chances are I’ve already tried them, I’ve been trying to solve this for a long time now.

He is very full on and physical, he likes to grab me. This morning, he wakes at 6, comes in bed with me and I put CBeebies on for him and he’s yanking at my hair, grabbing my nose (and trying to shove his fingers up my nostrils 🤢) poking my eyes … I say no, I say it’s too rough, gentle hands, still does it. Lying next to me he’s kicking all the time. I don’t even know why. It fucking hurts and I get really sick of it and I hate feeling so fed up and annoyed when he’s just cuddling me (I know it isn’t ‘nasty’ kicking, probably a sensory thing) but I have this really visceral reaction to it at the same time.

I am on my own with him a lot. I thought we’d do lots of reading, lots of craft activities, but in reality he only wants to read a small selection of books, craft is a non starter.

We do get out and about, but the days are so hard to fill sometimes and not any easier really.

I feel sad as I really thought I’d be much better at parenting than I am and enjoy it a lot more too.

This is one experience with one child. My first was so difficult and emotional and I found it really hard to do anything that most other parents did and felt shit because of it. She grew up and is wonderful and my 2nd child is very different and much easier. Imagine you’ve started out on a new career and you’re calling yourself awful names and doubting your choices 2 weeks into the job. Just keep going, it will get better. And if you need extra nursery days to get through this stage then do it.

And also try modeling clay / plasticene / rice / fabric / bendy toys (Whatever's safe for his age) that he can pull and twist and stroke - not so much with a goal of "making something" but for the sensory experiences.

Sounds very like mine. She's also a shit sleeper and if she doesn't eat dinner she'll wake and ask for food/milk - we end up reading books to her while she eats to keep her sitting there. Parenting is not easy!

I've seen lots of mum friends follow their kids around putting food in their mouths, so I don't think it's that unusual.

Would life be more enjoyable if you met up more regularly with some friends who have kids of similar ages, so you can have adult chat whilst kids play?

I found this age really tough. I feel your pain. I often found it an odd mixture of exhausting and boring. My boys were really physical and getting them to sit down for a meal was impossible (still is from time to time with one of them). People with children that sit down and colour in or do arts and crafts willingly have no idea!
My experience is that I worked 4 days a week from quite early on and had one day with them. That worked well for me as I felt like I could be a better mum that way. I did feel slightly guilty that I wasn't one of those mums who is desperate to stay home with my children. However I tried not to beat myself up about it. I've realised with time that I'm much better at parenting older children and really finding my stride now.
The fact that you are even posting that you are a good parent because you are thinking about these things. Please don't feel bad or down. I agree that 3 is a turning point and it will get easier.

Absolutely this ^
Kid needs to be with other children and in a routine and you need to be in adultland.

Thanks. I do really appreciate your kindness. I do have friends with kids a similar age but we can’t really just leave them to play - hoping that in a few months/years we can. But it’s so tricky at the moment. As babies you could sit in a cafe, as toddlers you can’t - well, some of theirs do, and actually mine isn’t too bad sat with other people. But it isn’t terribly regular due to coordinating peoples days off and so on. We go to toddler classes on my two days off and swimming on a weekend morning and I do try to build some time outside into every day unless the weather is really foul.

My three are all grown up now, but they were all the same at this age. They have tiny tummies which won’t hold much food. Also, they eat when they are having a growth spurt.

it’s frustrating and worrying though when you are going through it. Wait till he’s a strapping teenager and throwing the contents of the fridge down his throat then you might look back on these days with longing!

Give yourself a break, OP. We're all perfect parents until we actually have kids. I've worked with kids my whole adult life so I assumed that when I had my own DC it would come easily to me. I thought I'd be calm, effortlessly fun and patient with them like I am with the kids at work and that I'd love every minute. The reality of parenthood came as a bit of a shock to be honest. I adore my children, I would die for them, but it turns out I find many aspects of parenting them tedious or stressful. The toddler stage in particular is the absolute pits IMO, I found it much easier and more enjoyable when they got to be about 3-3.5. My youngest is 4 now and I do feel like I'm slowly getting my life back but some days are still hard.

Do whatever you need to do to get through it, if that means an extra day in nursery then so be it. Also don't force yourself to do non-essential stuff that you hate..I loathe soft play, for example, so we don't go. We do plenty of other nice stuff instead. I forced myself to go to toddler groups with my first because that's what people said I should do, but I hated it and she was indifferent so with the second I didn't bother. Same with food and sleep, you have to ignore everyone else and do what works for you. People will give you advice based on what worked for them, but they are not you, your child isn't their child, so just smile and nod and do what you think is right.

My 2 year old used to snark at me occasionally bite me and would clearly prefer her dad. By school age she was delightful and is now a lovely 16 year old we have a great relationship- she rarely bites 😁 This too shall pass!

My toddler is much the same. I just muddle on through. He is always ill (which I put down to reduced exposure to other people during the pandemic). So he's fussy and hard work anyway then add on the constant colds.

I feel I drag myself through every single day. I know it will get easier as he gets older. Parenting is a pretty rough ride. He doesn't sleep well so I've had a handful of decent nights sleep since he was born. I try to be kind to myself.

You sound like you are trying your best as well. Toddlers are notoriously hard work. With the hair pulling I try to be firm and say that's hurting mummy, mummy is going away (sitting at end of bed). I come back and if he does it again I repeat. We can be doing that multiple times but he will learn. He tries to put his foot on my head too. I just don't let him.

Simple reasoning and boundaries on repeat. Even then it feels like we go round in circles. They literally are as others have said like little drunk people who you have to love and keep safe. I once watched police camera action and the police speak to the criminals like I do to my toddler 😄

Can you find some time for yourself each week, maybe just an afternoon? Extra nursery, it will help give you some space.

I felt like you did. DD is now 11 and I adore her more than anything, I can't get enough of her.

I worked full time to get out of parenting. I think it saved my sanity.

Parenting is so hard.

If you saw me with my runaway/food avoiding picky eating toddler chasing him around the cafe I assure you, you would feel better about yours. And he does the same with his (violent) affection?

I find myself going to another town to visit my mum and sister approximately 4 out the 5 weekdays. Its full on being a parent, and more full on when they’re like this. Adult company makes a difference, I am a lot more patient and he gets on with things nicely - besides eating. That stuff pisses me off. 3 hours of my day go into getting something down him, breakfast, lunch and supper.

I often feel the same. If affordable I'd go for the extra nursery day. Some of what you're describing sounds like burnout and maybe you just need a bit more you time to feel refreshed when you're with him. It would be far better to be happy and present for one less day a week, than low and bored/frustrated all the days. I don't think this is a failing at all, it's supposed to take a village and all that, but parents who don't have support can really struggle. The only parents that I know that seem to have a happy balance in their lives tend to have a lot of local grandparent support so are getting that time away.

And it may just be that you don't like this stage, and really that's ok too. They constantly change and I have enjoyed some and not others.

One of the very best parents I know had a child that was a poor eater. Some just are, it's nowt to do with parenting.
I had phases where I thought I was a terrible parent. Frazzled and ineffective I would have said. Yet I raised 3 of them, 2 are adults now and don't remember the bits I thought I was terrible at.

You are not a bad parent. It is hard. Campbell's Busy series were the first books DS1 liked, because he could maul them and they didn't break. And crafts were always a dumpster fire.

Oh - and exercise. The old line about (some) kids being like dogs is so true.

This is such good advice. Wish this had been said to me yers ago.

First of all you have an idealistic view of parenting and it just isn't like that for most of us. Secondly I have a son who isn't motivated by food either. Mine is 98th percentile for height and 25th for weight. I've been told loads of conflicting advice including taking away his meal after twenty minutes of he hasn't eaten it. In reality I persevere until he has eaten his food which may take a good hour. He loves fruit of all kinds and eats lots but dislikes veg so I blend it. I add cheese to his meals, use whole milk, full fat cream if making anything with a sauce to give him extra calories. He gets given multivitamins daily. I give him paediasure shakes of an evening which he does enjoy (recommended by hv).It is hard and stressful. So I get it but help is out there from your hv, gp who can get you on the path to see a dietician if there is a need for it.

The kicking and poking I can't say much about it. I think it's still fairly normal at age 2 although I would be a bit more direct and say stop and tell him it hurts.

As for arts and crafts, my kids only really got into them aged about 4 and even then it was stuff they could do quickly. Anything that took real concentration was beyond them until now aged 5 and 6.

You need to stop mourning the type of parenting you thought you would do and accept the challenges you face and the parenting you are doing. You don't sound like you are failing him by any means, by being concerned it shows that you aren't! Be kinder to yourself.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down...but he is 2! There's a reason it's called the 'terrible twos'!

Give yourself a break. If he's hurting you, you are allowed a sharp word where 'gentle hands please' hasn't worked. If he doesn't eat his food at soft play, go armed with a sandwich bag and scoop it up and take it with you. Don't follow him around, that's mad. Leave it on the table and he'll come and get it if he wants.

Above all remember this too shall pass. I had speech delayed twins which was challenging - now they're 13 I can look back with rose-tinted glasses and remember how lovely it was . It doesn't last forever

It sounds like you are a great parent but have a challenging 2 year old.

I was a great parent to an easy 2 year old and am a shit parent to a difficult 15 year old. You see where I am going here, sometimes the stage can be so challenging that it’s all you can do to just slog through it. It’s not necessarily reflective of your parenting. I honestly thought I was the best parent in the world when mine were younger as they were just so easy, polite, ate everything etc. Fool that I was I thought my friend with the difficult toddler was just bad at parenting. Fast forward 15 years, her DD is just a joyful, studious teen and mine is a crankier version of Kevin the teenager. She’s not become amazing and I haven’t become shit, it turns out we were both doing our best at our kids difficult stages.

My recommendation is to stick Peppa Pig on the telly, give him a bucket of Duplo or Magformers and he can play for ages!
It's OK to let him play for a bit and have a cuppa yourself.

The feeding will get better- I put a bowl of snacks on the table and he grazes whilst playing... They just can't sit still at this age, don't worry too much.

It gets MUCH easier as they get older. My six year old is a joy and my 3 year old is so much more fun than last year

Sounds like a lot of sensory issues. My now teenager was like this, it got steadily better with time. My sensory seeker ate standing up with a plate on the coffee table or a little kids table whilst he played, he outgrew it by age 3 and was sitting well in cafes etc by age 5. With a toddler try not to stress about them having manners or 'sitting properly', if you can relax and let him graze then he'll be fine. The more relaxed you are the happier you both are.

Does he get enough time doing different types of physical play? Have you tried 'heavy work'? lots of climbing, jumping, balancing, carrying heavy things, massage and tight squeezes. Frequent short times with one-to-one interaction like body parts songs and actions. There are some good books with animal moves and noises that are great for kids like this. When their learning schema and sensory needs are full, they feel a lot more settled in themselves and the behaviours you find difficult reduce a lot.

Some kids just need more of this type of play to meet their needs, and as it's less common you might not be expecting it or realise the extent of what they need. Once you get a good routine and learn to anticipate sensory challenges it gets a lot easier (such as not being able to eat in an over stimulating place - such as a cafe, where they would naturally want down to play to try and self-regulate their own system through physical play).

A good read around sensory difficulties, even with no diagnosis, can give useful insight into things that might help. The Out of Sync child and occupational therapy blogs can be useful. Typical 'sensory play' activities are totally different and not really helpful for proprioceptive needs and overwhelm like this. It can get a lot easier. You've done nothing wrong, he's still very young and these things become clearer over time. The most helpful thing is your perception and how you address things, you can bond through this and come to enjoy things again.

You’re not alone OP, my DS was also like this at 2, with all the aspects you mentioned. It’s ok not to enjoy it. As others have said, for me a lot has got easier since he turned 3.

I stressed about the food a lot too but found out afterwards their appetite is much reduced around this age and they really only need tiny tiny amounts. If he eats a wide selection of foods then you’re obviously doing something right! Please be kind to yourself. I didn’t bother with cafes at that age, just stressed me out too much, but now DS is 3 I love it - better conversation, longer concentration span, more likely to eat the meal I’ve paid for!

I do the same as ops have said re grabbing/kicking every time: “ If you want to be in my bed cuddling, we use kind hands…if you don’t, you can lie back in your bed.” And follow through every single time. At 3 it’s much reduced and asking “do you want to go back to your bed?” usually sorts it right out.

There really is no shame in putting him in nursery for longer if you can afford it. Nursery is good for them and will give you some much-needed “me” time.

I agree with pps, the fact you’re striving to be a good mum and doing all these things even though you don’t enjoy them proves you are a great mum. Please start telling yourself that too!