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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her she's an inconsiderate c**t?

160 replies

babaganooshh · 09/12/2022 07:35

A few weeks ago I invited a friend & her child on a day out with me and my child. (I had already paid for it) I said all she needed to do was show up.
I arranged a day and time to pick her up, I even messaged her the night before saying I was looking forward to spending the day all together, as our children have been best friends since before they could walk.

The morning of, I parked outside and text her saying I was here. No reply.
I rang her, she said oh my god I thought it was tomorrow (laughing) I said it's ok I'll wait in the car so you can get ready.

She rang back 5 mins later saying she wasn't going to be coming as she hadn't sorted a booster seat out (despite me texting the night before asking if she had sorted said booster seat)
By this point, my daughter was crying her eyes out in the car.
I hung up on my friend, & took my daughter anyway. She sent me a string of messages saying I had once cancelled on her etc.
We eventually made up, & both decided we should make more of an effort with each other.

Fast forward a week, I invite her and her daughter to my child's party at our house. She read the message but didn't reply, nor did she show up or wish my daughter a happy birthday.

A week later, she put a load of pictures on Facebook of her own daughters party. That stung a lot. I messaged & asked why she hadn't thought to reply to me or invite us?

She gave me a long excuse about having a viral infection bla bla bla.

Anyway, am I being unreasonable to call her up on it all or do I just drop her completely? She makes out like she's such a good friend etc, yet behind closed doors she's an inconsiderate cow. That's twice in the space of a month she's pulled a dick move. If she doesn't like me anymore then why can't she grow some balls and communicate with me?

OP posts:
candycane10 · 09/12/2022 09:40

I think putting this down to "flakiness" as so many PPs have said is far too kind.

EmmaAgain22 · 09/12/2022 09:41

babaganooshh · 09/12/2022 09:24

I am going to completely drop her.

I'm not stupid I know a hint when I see one, but she said to me only a couple of weeks ago how much she values our friendship etc etc? Why would she bother saying that if she had no intention of trying?

I often wonder why people say this stuff and don't mean it.

I can only think it makes them feel good. It's really hard though, I know. Flowers

SittingTrot · 09/12/2022 09:43

She's telling you what you want to hear.Now she has dragged your child into her petty game it's time to end it.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/12/2022 09:44

MrsThimbles · 09/12/2022 07:57

Just let the friendship go and slowly move forward with trying to make new friends. And please, please don’t use the C word again. It’s horrible even as a swear word.

It's okay. We're all adults here. We're allowed to say "cunt".

808Kate1 · 09/12/2022 09:52

Yeah, her actions are definitely cuntish, no question. And at the end of the day, not only do you two both lose out on a friendship, but your kids more so.

However, it also sounds like she's not comfortable around you for some reason, so maybe there's more to it, and perhaps you both need to re-examine your roles in this friendship, not just her.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/12/2022 09:52

Stompythedinosaur · 09/12/2022 07:38

More dignified to just leave it and stop inviting her places tbh.

I don't think she was obliged to invite your dd to her party, but not showing up to the day out was rude.

"Obliged" depends on how close the 2 little girls are - according to OP, best mates since birth. Unless OP's 'friend' disagrees with that - not inviting OP's DD was a dick move to her own little girl too.

smithsinarazz · 09/12/2022 09:54

Telling people off (in my experience) never really works - unless you're a boss, or a parent of a young child, or a teacher, or are in some other sort of relationship where you're higher up in the hierarchy. People just shy away. You don't get what you want - namely, an acknowledgement from her that she was in the wrong, followed by a more satisfactory friendship - you just get aggro.
Yes, she's been crap and very flaky, and you may well get to the point of saying you're going to stop making an effort with her. But don't go in all guns blazing with her. It's got the potential for making things so much worse.

DigitalTranny · 09/12/2022 09:55

You say she mentioned that you cancelled on her before. Was it also last minute and did she feel pissed about it? Is she trying to give it back to you?

Ackity · 09/12/2022 09:55

I had a ‘friend’ like this. I just stopped bothering. Haven’t seen her in years. Tells you everything you need to know.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/12/2022 09:58

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 09/12/2022 07:57

No!
if your kids are friends so don’t call her a cunt! Keep it cool and civil.
Just only contact her when it’s to do with kids now.
Step back, don’t contact unless it’s to do with kids.

OP hasn't called her a cunt yet - & she's already let OP's DD down twice (3 times - but I'm hoping DD doesn't know about the 3rd time).

If OP wants to let rip, what difference does it make?
This 'friendship' is dead.
Keeping your child away from their close friend to score points, or send a message you are too cowardly to state like a grown up, is a cunt move.

There @MrsThimbles - I've said it. Twice.
I wish you'd change your user name btw - I find thimbles triggering. Have only managed to type this by chugging superstrength earl grey.

Redbone · 09/12/2022 09:59

She sounds vile, she is not your friend. Just drop all contact with her and block her on your phone.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/12/2022 10:03

Usernameisunavailable · 09/12/2022 08:33

She’s not inconsiderate, she’s doing it deliberately. You reminded her about the day out and when you turned up her excuse was you’d cancelled on her before. Deliberate. You invite her child to a party and ignores it, then throws a party where your daughter isn’t invited. Again, deliberate. Is she trying to get back at you for something? Either way she’s no longer your friend, stop contacting her. Don’t even bother confronting her as she’d only make excuses. Just move on and block her on social media so you don’t see her posts.

Exactly.

Some mindgamers enjoy the process of seeing how badly they can treat you & have you still coming back for more. This woman is a female/'friend' version of a fuckboi player.

I wouldn't chase her, but if she comes out of the woodwork again (if she's gamplaying, she will), let rip then.

That would be more about how she'd deliberately chosen to upset my child though. And I would not let my child be exposed to any more flakiness, I'd make sure she had other friends, with reliable parents, to hang put with.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/12/2022 10:07

babaganooshh · 09/12/2022 09:06

I haven't dropped her because we had a conversation after the day out incident and we both agreed to try more and message more/arrange more play dates.

But she was lying. You surely see that?

That conversation was right before she flaked on DD's party, but held her own instead. Which she apparently could not invite DD to because of a weird viral infection that everybody bar you & DD were apparently immune to.

Funny that innit. Not.

sageandrosemary · 09/12/2022 10:09

I don't think she wants to be friends, to be honest, but her behaviour is shitty. Move on.

ClaryFairchild · 09/12/2022 10:10

She wanted to keep you available just in case eve wanted something from you.

Don't bother phasing her out, just drop her like a stone.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/12/2022 10:14

babaganooshh · 09/12/2022 09:24

I am going to completely drop her.

I'm not stupid I know a hint when I see one, but she said to me only a couple of weeks ago how much she values our friendship etc etc? Why would she bother saying that if she had no intention of trying?

Because she's a mindfucker.

She's enjoying the fact that she has the power to make you run, the power to punish you & keep you coming back for more, the power to wound.

Dropping her takes that power away, so well done.
You may never hear from her again.
But it's likely that you might - & if you do, it will be couched in terms that make it clear that she's the innocent party - "hey Baba - where's you been, I thought you were going to make more of an effort" etc.

If that happens - that's the time to blast her. But cool disdain will be more effective than calling her the cunt she is. "Sorry FlakeFriend - you've let DD down too many times, I can't have her upset by your flakiness again, & there's no point making arrangements with you, you seem to get a kick out of breaking them, so I'm gonna wish you well & move on byeeeeeee"

StrawberryWater · 09/12/2022 10:14

She's not your friend.

Don't even phase it out, just get rid of her.

Fundays12 · 09/12/2022 10:21

Leave it she isn't a friend and you don't want your daughter growing up thinking this is how a friend should treat her.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/12/2022 10:30

Actions speak louder than words.

Not inviting her daughter's "best" friend to her birthday party speaks volumes.

I wouldn't contact her again, I'd leave her to do any running in future.

Stunningscreamer · 09/12/2022 10:41

babaganooshh · 09/12/2022 09:24

I am going to completely drop her.

I'm not stupid I know a hint when I see one, but she said to me only a couple of weeks ago how much she values our friendship etc etc? Why would she bother saying that if she had no intention of trying?

Some people like the idea that they're a good friend but when it comes to it you're not important enough to them to put themselves out for you. She managed to arrange for other people to go to her kid's birthday party so it's not an organisational issue.

Often people like this like friends who have more social capital than them to boost their egos. She's always going to be seeking people who are too cool for school.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/12/2022 10:53

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/12/2022 09:44

It's okay. We're all adults here. We're allowed to say "cunt".

Show quote history

I loathe, hate and detest that word. I find it difficult to say or type even a Bowdlerised version of it, but I agree that other people have a right to use it if they wish.

I just wish they didn't wish . . . 😕

MassiveSalad22 · 09/12/2022 11:01

Drop her - it shouldn’t be this much of an effort. Value yourself and your time more.

Original poster
babaganooshh · 09/12/2022 11:08

The only time she has approached me first in the last YEAR, was when she wanted to borrow some money from me. Apart from that I don't hear from her. She says it's because she's busy or poorly etc etc.
the worst part of her last excuse was she said she and her child had had a viral infection.....but threw a kids party?

I hate it when people like her to claim to be so sweet & innocent and are always playing the victim, when in actually fact they are just pure nasty & vindictive.

I thought we were a lot closer than this, we had each other backs when the kids were babies and we were both single mothers struggling with depression.

If you met her you wouldn't believe she's the person im writing about.

OP posts:
EndlessRain1 · 09/12/2022 11:12

She was rude about the day out.

You were rude getting cross about not being invited to the party, that is not your right.

YANBU to leave a friendship you don't enjoy. YABU to call her horrible names. Just leave it and the friendship to die a natural death.

Coooosd · 09/12/2022 11:16

I don't think she likes you and probably doesn't want to be the one to break off the friendship