DD homeless abroad

[EmilioSoup]

Okay, I’m prepared to be told my daughter needs to toughen up and I’m getting too involved but I’ve had her on the phone in absolute bits.

My 18 year old DD moved to Canada 8 weeks ago, on a temporary travel visa. Got a job in a hotel with staff accommodation, just near the hotel. We were so, so proud of her and thought it was a brilliant opportunity. They really liked her during interview.

She hasn’t had the best luck of it, and got struck down with influenza a week in, requiring an A&E visit (she’s insured, thank god). She was first taken ill at work, having fainted, they allowed her to leave to seek medical attention but nobody offered her a lift. Not saying anybody owes her a lift, but I think it’s common decency. She had a week off, was pressured into returning whilst still ill. Unfortunately the virus has caused some long-term side effects for her, such as thyroid problems, and she’s been struggling.

Yesterday, she had a performance review. She has had no feedback previously, had no inclination that anything was wrong. The review was terrible. I have seen a screenshot of the written review she was presented with, these are direct quoted:

“X seems to lack basic social skills, struggling in interactions with guests. She is robotic. We suggest X seeks support for this and an assessment.” (This seems to be implying that my daughter has ASD or something? She certainly doesn’t! Has always had many friends and been fine in school and other customer facing jobs! ASD has never, ever been on anybody’s radar. How can they think it’s okay to say this in a work review?)

“X causes other staff members stress due to her incapabilities. Newer staff members are a lot more capable than X. X is a hindrance on every shift she is on.”

“X is always claiming to be ill, and has no concept of basic punctuality.”

Among other stuff. She was the told she was dismissed, and had to be out of the staff accommodation that night with nowhere else to go. She called me in absolute bits. Luckily she has savings and has gone to a hotel, but it’s in a very expensive area and hotel is £350 a night. She has about £2000 left. She is trying to find another job with staff accommodation last minute but if nothing comes up, she will have to book a flight home. I have told her that once her savings get down to below £1000, she needs to come home as we don’t have the means to send her money for an emergency flight back on once she can no longer afford the hotel. So likely she will be home in the next few days.

DD is devastated about the work review and feels it went too far, and that it was a character assassination. Maybe it isn’t the job for her, fair enough, but I think the comments are incredibly cruel and they should’ve given her more notice to sort out alternative accommodation. She spent so much money on this visa, and was so excited to go, and she is heartbroken. They don’t owe her a job and home, of course they don’t, but had they handled it differently she probably could have sorted out a new job with staff housing, as there is plenty of it in the town. I don’t know why I’m posting on AIBU as I expect to be told she’s an adult, isn’t owed anything etc etc but I am heartbroken. She has had mental health issues before and this was supposed to be the making of her, and her confidence has been destroyed.

Honestly if she can’t be resourceful and make a new plan for herself then maybe she shouldn’t have gone. Resort work can be pretty brutal, she’s seasonal staff - they aren’t going to train her up and hold her hand. They’ll be expecting her to just get on with it and do a good job.

I did a similar thing at 18 and it was amazing. Really tough at times but great in the end. She needs to move to a hostel or cheaper flat share. Paying £300 a night is crazy.

@Kanaloa.

It is out of character behaviour for her. She’s usually really on the ball. She was doing supervisor duties in her last UK job. Needed no help in getting to Canada, neither from family or through an agency. Sorted all the visa stuff etc out herself. Popped down to London to get it all sorted on her own, she didn’t think anything of it. She coped absolutely fine with the airlines messing her flights up and needing to make adjustments. I expect being ill, and the subsequent upset over what was said in her review has knocked her.

There’s also the Banff hostel - even if they don’t have rooms she could go along and ask if there’s any casual work at reception. Alternatively there’s Helpx where people stay with a family/company and work for accommodation. She could do that while she makes a plan B. www.helpx.net

She sounds really immature/vulnerable from what you’ve said. If she is usually capable and independent I’d be all the MORE worried. Get her to come home, she is obviously really struggling and unwell. She needs to rest or her health could be affected for a long long time

She’s not telling you that she doesn’t feel up to sharing a dorm though she is telling you there are none available which is not true. Right now I think her choices are that she stays for a week or 2 in a dorm and sees if she can find another job or if she really doesn’t feel well enough to come home straight away.

What does she say about the voluntary options that a PP has suggested or haven’t you told her?

The comments from the review were unnecessarily harsh, and also the fact that they didn't really allow her to prove herself or given her the benefit of the doubt, she had just moved to another country so it's not uncommon to fall under the weather or catch a bug etc ...

I hope something better comes up. Coming home is also not such a bad idea, gather her thoughts and try again.

I will also add, I am in my 50’s now but I got ME after a virus in my twenties. I am still sick all these years on (am not saying this will happen to your daughter). As I was young, wanted to work, socialise and have a life I pushed on when I wasn’t well enough. Employers thought I was unreliable as although I was still trying to go into work there were some days I was just too sick. People can see see a young person and think there is nothing wrong with them and they are swinging their lead when it’s the opposite they are sick and trying so hard to persevere. They are obviously not good workers as they too sick and can’t be reliable. I remember my mum saying come home for a few months and rest but I couldn’t imagine giving up my life living independently with my friends in the city.

The outcome was my health got so bad I no longer could persevere but had to give up working. I wish I had listened to mum advising to rest in those early months as that gives the best chance or recovery. I feel for your daughter. I remember so well being young, sick and no medical tests to say I have x. The medical profession are still not great with illnesses like ME, and now a form of long covid, but they are getting better and it is finally recognised good rest initially is very important. As said if she developed POTS too (I developed orthostatic intolerance a few years into my ME) then at least there is better awareness of that now and she could ask her GP to refer her to a consultant for tilt testing. The treatment for that could help enormously and if she still has other symptoms even with POTS treatment her functioning will still be better. But it still stands rest in these early months is so important be she have POTS, or post viral syndrome, or both. All the best to your daughter. If she comes home she is not giving in but looking after her health.

Also it's not a choice between a hostel or a £350 a night room, there are loads of motels/condos at less than £100 per night.

It's just odd that she's either not researching options properly or not telling you the whole story for some reason.

I definitely cried on the phone to my parents, as it’s hard when you first strike out on your own. But, your daughter’s situation sounds very stressful. You are being a great support to her. It’s not easy, her being so far away, at least you are a comfort to her.

In that case maybe it’s just not right for her. It’s nothing to be ashamed of - haven’t we all started a job/lost a job and thought ‘fuck this is awful, I’m in the shit?’ ’ Only difference is she’s unfortunately in another country with no support. I’d tell her to come back. She’s still had the experience of seeing another country and that’s worth something. No shame in it, she’s just not suited to it and has had a bit of bad luck.

Better she comes back ASAP though, rather than wasting more money on extortionate hotels etc.

Ps and just to add to my latest comment above, I am not saying she will be long term ill, it might be she just needs a few weeks or months to rest and recover. However, it is best with post viral issues to be cautious and rest in the initial stages and seek out medical advice for the possibility she has developed POTS.

She really needs to come home.

Completely agree with this. We have one in Germany working now, another travelled through Italy and worked at 18 and another travelled Europe at 18 for a year. Went to the States at 19 and could not stand it. Cut his losses, came back, worked locally for a year and is starting a new job in Germany in the new year. He had a leaving party but was back in 6 weeks which was a bit embarrassing for him, but so what. Traveling is the making of people but sometimes you just have to get them home to regroup.

Sounds like she's had a massive streak of bad luck, and I agree with her the comments were weirdly personal, there's a more neutral way of giving someone a poor performance review. If she hasn't got any friends to stay with I think the best thing for it would be to come home, when I was young you could get by on a few quid a day during gap year but it seems that time is long gone.

I’ve never said I feel the hotel should have kept her on, a temporary staff member needing accommodations and suffering from post-viral brain fog. Just that they could’ve handled it differently, given her notice and not been so cruel in the review, because those comments go much further than I’d deem appropriate in a work review and they have really broken her.

She’s clearly not herself, she is ill now both physically and mentally. As I said, I can’t see how she can stay.

And Europe is so much easier to get back on a flix bus or cheap flight. Do 6 weeks in the Balkans. The experience is amazing and 2k will do it without work.

She needs to get home and get well.

I can't believe you are not telling her this.

Flu can be nasty and if it's affected her thyroid that means she is unwell.

Is she having treatment for this now? Is her thyroid being monitored? Medication?

It's ridiculous that at 18 she feels she has to 'prove' something and stick to her plan.

I had glandular fever at 27 and needed a month off work (I was a teacher) and wasn't fully fit for 6 months.

Flu- real flu- can cause lasting fatigue and 'brain fatigue'.

Trying to get work and somewhere to live is just far too much for her.

Plenty of time to spread her wings when she is fit.

Is she planning to go to uni later?

@MrsMinxy
That’x exactly what I’m telling her

read your update and yes, she cannot stay.

You need to be the bossy mum here and talk her into coming back.

I wonder if she is trying to prove something to you too, and herself, and you need to tell her she is not letting anyone down by coming back.

Get her home. She can sort something else out once she is back to full health.

so, pull the strings so she can come home.

Virus need recovery time. I had to go back to work after GF and it was too soon. I went back as my school expected me to but my recovery took longer than if I'd taken another month off.

Your poor daughter. Did she book this gap year trip through an agency? Are they providing any local support for her? if she does not have any solid local support it sounds like she needs to come home.

My son is currently looking at exactly the same ski season trip for next year when he finishes A - levels.

I totally agree with @AnyFucker. She is only 18, far from home, ill, alone.
I’d tell her to come home right now. Actually, if it was my son I’d have been on the first plane out there to make sure he was ok when he had to go to hospital, but that’s me.

It’s not as if she’s gone to some wonderful educational establishment or to a once in a lifetime job she couldn’t get at home. She’s working in basic hospitality - could easily get a job here. Just get her back, this does not sound like a good experience.