Awkward situation with homeless man outside Tesco

[Sariela]

There's a homeless man who sits outside my local small Tesco. I'll sometimes say hi back to him but I never give him any money.

Last week he asked me for something to eat and I bought him a sandwich/ crisps and a drink from the shop. He was very grateful.

Most people just ignore him, I've never seen anyone give him anything (food or money).

The problem is I pass him about 4 times a day and I've kind of got myself into and awkward position of being unable to ignore him (I feel too guilty).

I don't mind buying him an odd sandwich/ snack every now and again but I can't afford to do it every day.

I've asked him if he needs any help and wrote down a number for a local charity. However, his English isn't great and I'm not sure he understood.

Wwyd? I don't want to just ignore the man. But I'm dreading waking last every time now.

I wanted to forget the research for a second because you were clearly seething with some strange rage and we're repeatedly posting over and over demanding that I produce evidence which I never claimed to have. I tried to step back from that side of things and look at the situation on a basic human level. Clearly this didn't work either.

I think you've realised you've embarrassed yourself here tonight and that's ok, it happens to everyone from time to time. Unfortunately, tonight you've made yourself look incredibly silly next to someone whose language skills are 'incomprehensible'

However many academic studies there are on dehumanisation, which is really sad, the fact remains that it's actually really bloody difficult to see a person in need, engage with them and then say no to giving them money. It's especially hard if you're going into a shop to buy something for yourself as the guilt is pretty immense. I actually can't deal with that, so I don't engage. As I said earlier, I give to a local homeless charity as I actually do care. It may make me a shitty person, but that's the best I can do.

I don’t look silly in the slightest. And I’m not in a rage. You said I was stupid and had to be educated by reading the hundreds of academic studies you know of. When asked you could not provide or name those studies. You then resorted to insults about how I am stupid/dim/have sociopathic tendencies.

I think you are the one who looks silly to be honest.

@Notcreative

It doesn’t make you a shitty person at all. By giving to local charities that money will help on a wider scale. I actually volunteer myself but I’m not sure if there is a good homelessness charity for just my (very small) area. May be something worth looking into, I prefer to support small local charities rather than big ones.

No, I said there were studies on dehumanisation and homelessness. You demanded I link them all for you, I declined. You demanded I link totally different studies for you, I declined. Again you demanded I link different studies to those which I mentioned and to help I gave you a brief list of some of the most prominent academic journal websites and some key search terms to get you started. Yet you STILL think I've 'failed' to evidence the studies you imagined I said and the studies I actually did mention.

Please stop posting the same thing over and over. It's getting really odd.

I bought a young "homeless" women a meal recently on a cold autumn morning. I had a long chat with her and offered many suggestions of where she could access help as I was very concerned for the young vulnerable women. I even offered to take her to a local community centre near me where they have outreach workers but It clearly became apparent she wasn't interested in any help whatsoever infact I actually felt like I'd been scammed by feeling sorry for her and buying her food as all she was really interested in was raising money to buy drugs and alcohol she threw half the McDonald's meal I'd just bought her away. she wasn't even homeless. I learnt a lesson that day and I will never help a homeless person again.

Nope, you said I needed to read them to be educated. Then refused to actually tell me the names of them so I could do so. Then called me stupid and dim and racist. Which to be honest I think is pretty odd.

I'm not sure if this helps, but many people who experience homelessness avoid accessing support from charities because more often than not, they are offered a bed in a hostel as a solution. This may seem great on paper, but the reality can be much darker, especially for women. You'll often find that homeless people (especially women) avoid hostels because they can be quite dangerous and choose to sleep on the street instead.

I'm not saying that happened here but it is worthwhile noting that just because someone doesn't want to contact a shelter/charity, it doesn't necessarily mean they are rejecting help, they are just scared.

You’ve had some great advice about how to help the man and do your bit.

So I’ll just add at this point that this is probably the most British Problem (in the well meaning but socially awkward sense) I’ve read on here for a while!

I don’t drink at all. So now you’ve called me stupid, lazy, dim, sociopathic, racist, and implied that I must be drunk. It’s sad that you feel the need to try to take personal jabs at someone when you’re not winning an argument.

I’m glad you’re disengaging though, it’s for the best, because you clearly think it’s appropriate to call other people names rather than having a measured debate.

Maybe in future you won’t call others stupid for not having read academic studies you then can’t provide.

fuckin love how no one ever had to ask such questions prior to the past 12 yrs. I cant think why....

but hey, hi rupert, got nothing better on? well, at least a bit of fodder for your front pages eh?

That's well cheap for a meal deal 😂😂

The most 'humanising' thing you can do in my opinion is to treat a person who is sleeping on the streets as any other person. So if you're the sort to offer strangers a smile and a good morning, respond positively to requests for your help, then do so. If you're not particularly sociable, don't have the capcity or interest in engaging, and would normally blank soneone who speaks to you, making an exception is a bit forced and patronising.
Where i work rough sleepers are part of the community. Its the same people every day for years. Some are only interested in you if you'll give them money, others like a bit of a chat, the weather, how was your day, they know my name and i their's...pretty much like the other 'work neighbours' in the shops and cafes. Some want to be friendly, some are all 'business'.
Like any human engagement, there's no one size fits all, so there's not much point theorising and overthinking. Just do what you're comfortable with.

The planet/universe that works in a food bank and with a whole host of connected community charities.

Of course he has chosen his spot carefully. How the hell else will he get any donations? All beggars, Big Issue sellers etc choose their spots carefully. And the doorway to a supermarket is a good spot, if security allow it.

And what else prompts people to donate? All altruism is based on self image, after all.

Dear god, when did it become unthinkable to acknowledge reality?

Yet we are still here and out doors are open.

Some people choose not to come inside. No matter how cold, wet and miserable they get. If street charities know about them they can engage with them, keep them that bit safer.

It's not about do nothing, pretend they don't exist. It's don't endanger your own finances, don't feel you have to help every day, to solve something and do alert your local street charity.

Wear a disguise

There used to be an ad campaign in a town centre near me, "spare change doesn't bring change." The point was, by giving directly to homeless people you are only making the situation worse for them in the long run. If you want to help them, the best thing is not to interact with them directly but give your money or time to a charity that helps the homeless.

I used to be polite to homeless people and sometimes gave them money but the ad campaign made me reflect on what I was doing. It's actually easier now, no internal doubt as to whether to acknowledge them, no feeling guilty about not having any money to give them, I just walk on by. Ultimately it's not my fault they're on the streets, I couldn't help them even if I wanted to, so I just ignore them and don't worry about them.

Sometimes they say things to you and try to make you feel guilty for ignoring them. This used to bother me but I eventually realised - why should I give a shit what they think? Why should I care about the opinion of someone who is trying to make me feel bad?

That works for giving money, but no reputable charity is going to deter people from buying a sandwich, which is what this is about.
No one should feel obliged to buy food for homeless people, and if you choose not to, fine. You've done no good, but you've done no harm, so your contribution is neutral.
What is harmful imo is coming out with reasons why it's better to ignore people than buy food. Not only is it nonsense, but might also dissuade someone from an act that would provide some immediate help.
Obviously long term change is the goal and resources need to go towards that. But reputable charities understand this needs to go hand in hand with support in the here and now, and that formal donations and sandwich buying both have their place.

Op I had a situation just like this! What I did was fill a plastic bag with cheap stuff that didn't go off quickly or need cooking/preparing. So crackers, bananas, bread rolls, a few bottles of water, cereal bars and bananas. I gave the bag to him at the start of the week and would maybe put in some cheap gloves/thick socks etc from Primark etc. I was able to do it for not very much money depending on where I shopped. I gave him his bag and when I walked past him after that, I just smiled and said hi and didn't feel any pressure to keep getting him stuff.

Not sure if anyone has said this but it's very likely Tesco CAN'T do this.

Tesco have a contract with Olio where Olio volunteers come in to store in the evening to pick up food so it doesn't go to waste. They then distribute through the Olio app. Some Tesco's also have charities who collect; where a charity expresses interest, they take priority over Olio getting the slot.

(I collect for both Olio and a charity (from Tesco) )

I think this is a bit of a cop out actually, yes some people do feel safer outside than inside due to their own particular trauma, but really, if you give this opinion as standard you aren't addressing the issue, and it is misleading.

I did say don't ignore I didn't say give finances if you can't afford it, please don't misunderstand me

Please just use the app. When it is this cold there is a thing activated by the council's where they have to try and get a roof over everyone's head. I volunteer at a homeless day centre and it was very quiet today. They thought it likely that most had been found somewhere warm. One of the guys there today is a lovely older man who has lived on the streets for many years and will not accept housing. A couple who had seen him on their streets for a while offered him a shed in their garden and he is happy with that. He had frost on his sleeping bag this morning but refused extra blankets and insisted he is fine.

I think this is a bit of a cop out actually, yes some people do feel safer outside than inside due to their own particular trauma, but really, if you give this opinion as standard you aren't addressing the issue, and it is misleading.

A cop out? Why? Because some people, like OP, do worry that they personally could and should do more? Even when they can't actually afford to? And ignoring the second half of that same post?

As for not addressing the situation. I volunteer/work in a food bank. I am a funding manager for a range of community charities that include/network with a variety of homeless organisations. My advice is fairly standard: Do what you can/want to do, report if you have an appropriate local organisation and don't feel you must do more.