Awkward situation with homeless man outside Tesco

[Sariela]

There's a homeless man who sits outside my local small Tesco. I'll sometimes say hi back to him but I never give him any money.

Last week he asked me for something to eat and I bought him a sandwich/ crisps and a drink from the shop. He was very grateful.

Most people just ignore him, I've never seen anyone give him anything (food or money).

The problem is I pass him about 4 times a day and I've kind of got myself into and awkward position of being unable to ignore him (I feel too guilty).

I don't mind buying him an odd sandwich/ snack every now and again but I can't afford to do it every day.

I've asked him if he needs any help and wrote down a number for a local charity. However, his English isn't great and I'm not sure he understood.

Wwyd? I don't want to just ignore the man. But I'm dreading waking last every time now.

Oh so eloquent & beautifully put. I’m also saddened at the lack of compassion expressed by a few commenters here…

Hold on, can I just clarify. Now that you are aware English is not my first language, you still want to comment on my English skills? Isn't their a term for that? Racist? I see you are a bigot as well as ignorant.

I didn't say there were hundreds of studies which specifically say if you say no to a homeless person rather than ignoring them, they feel less dehumanised. I didn't say anything of the sort. I said there are hundreds of studies on the experiences of homeless people and how they feel dehumanised by society who view them as less than. By ignoring them when they are actively talking to you, you make them feel invisible and degraded. You do not need a research study to tell you a smile and a "no, sorry" will help in some way in being acknowledged as a human being. You do not need the research studies to tell you that, I would hope basic common decency would be enough.

In any event, even if I'd said there are hundreds of articles which specifically say if you say no to someone they won't be dehumanised, why on earth would I waste my time performing a search for them all to spoon-feed to you because you're too lazy and dim to do it yourself?

Right, so all the studies you described that would prove your point and make you right and me wrong… simply don’t exist. There is no study that will show that saying ‘no’ in response to being asked for money is more humanising than moving on. So there you are.

Further, why are you now insisting ‘you don’t need a research study’ to prove your point? I didn’t bring them up - you did, in an attempt to imply that I am stupid and need to read more academic studies. Now you say I don’t need them and they don’t prove your point. Your argument earlier was that I was stupid and had to read them - but now I’m too lazy and dim to look for them and they wouldn’t prove your point anyway so I should just listen to what you say common decency is because you’re definitely right?

Lastly, I have explained why I don’t say ‘no, sorry.’ Sorry implies that I should be giving money and must apologise to justify not giving it. I don’t give money ever, so don’t apologise when I don’t.

As someone who has slept on the streets for a period, I have a suggestion , you can decide whether or not would work for you. Rather than buy him something every day, buy him a thermos and fill it up before you go out. Get it from him on your way home on your last trip of the day, so you can fill it up the next day. Make sandwiches if you have the time and energy to do so. But the thermos will be a bit of consistency and warmth which won't cost you a lot. Just knowing something is coming each day, makes all the difference to the mental strength you need to find the resources you need, like food banks and shelters.

And I’d say you should ‘waste your time performing a search’ because if you get into a disagreement calling someone lazy/dim/stupid and citing hundreds of academic studies proving your point, you usually need to provide evidence of those studies. Otherwise I could just say ‘no you’re wrong, there’s millions of academic studies showing that it’s better for me to do xyz.’ That’s why you cite things in academic writing - to prove that the studies you’re building your argument in really exist and contextually support your argument. Which you can’t do, can you?

What on earth are you on about?

If there are research studies that say we as homeless individuals feel dehumanised when we are ignored/outcast/alienated from society then surely basic levels of common sense would tell you that to counter that you stop ignoring them? You really think that needs to be spelt out? You think that in order to know that there has to be a scientific study with a control group? Unbelievable.

Personally I would like to help a homeless person if I come across one and I wouldn’t mind buying him a drink or a sandwich every now and again.

That said, that can’t be a permanent solution. He needs proper help and to find proper accommodation/shelter. I think I would do as PP have suggested and contact local homeless organisations/charities.

Please link to the hundreds of academic studies then I can decide for myself what they show. You’ve used them to back your argument up but now that I’ve asked for evidence you’ve decided personal insults work better than providing the hundreds of studies that show saying ‘no’ is the best way to help fight dehumanisation rather than what I already do. So I’d like to see your evidence, which you’ve used to call me stupid, lazy and dim. You brought them up more than once and suggested it is imperative that I read them, so I presumed it was something you’d studied in depth and could provide some evidence of.

But no, I don’t think I need a research study - you think that. You said so. So now I’d like to see which hundreds of studies you were referencing.

Although I'll bite. Let's strip this down for a second. Ignore all research studies, ignore other posters, ignore everything that's been said so far. On a human level, do you genuinely hand on heart think that a person experiencing homelessness and who feels dehumanised doesn't feel more dehumanised when they speak to the general public to ask for food/money or just to say hello, and get totally blanked as if they are not there? Do you truly believe that it doesn't bother them at all that people walking past just pretend they are invisible?

I don’t want to ignore all the research studies - I think you’d like that as you’re now embarrassed that you’ve called me stupid for not having read these hundreds of studies that you now can’t reference. When you were calling me stupid and saying I need to be educated you said there were hundreds of studies I need to read up on to learn basic empathy. Now that I’ve asked for a pointer to these hundreds of studies I need to forget about the studies and use basic common sense?

Please link to or give a pointer to all the studies you said I need to read. You can’t call people stupid and say they need to read hundreds of academic studies proving your point if the studies need to be immediately forgotten when you’re asked about them.

Google it. Here are some journal websites

JSTOR
Wiley
DOAJ
SSRN
Even Google Scholar if you're desperate

Key search terms:
Dehumanisation and street homelessness
Lived experiences of street homelessness
Objectification and street homelessness
Interactions between street homeless and society

If you are actually keen on educating yourself, there are some ideas to get you started. I'm not sitting here all night copy and pasting links on my phone for you.

So instead of twisting yourself in knots, please answer the basic question. You said I am stupid for disagreeing with you and need to read the hundreds of studies proving the point that you’re right and I’m wrong for not saying ‘no’ when I’m asked for money. Please now link to those academic studies that you (not me, I didn’t ask for them) have said I must read to be educated on the subject. Either that or retract your comments about my stupidity and admit that you were actually not speaking from a wider education on the subject but were simply stating your own opinion, which is unattached to any academic studies.

No, I want the specific hundreds of academic studies you said I ‘need to read’ to educate myself. The one that proves your point that I would help fight the issue of dehumanisation by saying the word ‘no’ as I walk past someone instead of just moving on. You’ve obviously read them all as you were using them to back up your argument, so please link those specific ones.

Please link my post where I said there are hundreds of articles which say homeless people feel less dehumanised if you say no to them.

I’m a racist bigot and don’t want a debate because I’ve asked you to back up what you’ve said? Just admit you’ve been backed into a corner and can’t back up what you spouted earlier.

I’ll tell you one thing, I thank God I’m not homeless, because talking to you would just about tip me over the edge.

@Autumndays123

There you go. Because I can link things I’ve said, I don’t talk nonsense. I asked you how saying ‘no’ would help rather than walking past, and you said there are hundreds of studies and I need to educate myself, before pointing out that I’ve said I don’t respond and referring to it as stupidity.

Saying of course that I’m stupid, and implying that the studies will somehow explain why me saying no rather than walking past will be an improvement.

Before you start calling others nasty bigots maybe look at how you’ve responded to others on this thread. You’re so incensed that someone disagrees that you immediately think you can call them stupid/lazy/dim/racist. I haven’t felt the need to call you stupid - I’ve simply pointed out that your opinion is just an opinion, not fact.

Did you mean to link this post? I do not say there are hundreds of studies that specifically say saying no to a homeless person lessens the dehumanisation. I've actually just said there are studies which focus on why homeless people feel dehumanised and I said that in response to several posters insistence that homeless people are not dehumanised and even if they are it's "not my problem"

You've spent the last hour making out that you've backed me into a corner, when you quite clearly haven't. You've asked me to 'produce evidence' for 'what I said' 10 times over and yet you can't even produce evidence that I said it.

You answered people saying they don’t feel they’re dehumanising someone by not saying ‘no’ with a post stating there are ‘hundreds of academic studies’ we need to read to educate ourself. The implication is (by calling me stupid for not doing it) that these studies will show why I should be saying no.

I’m surprised you don’t understand that - otherwise why did you bring up the academic studies you’ve apparently read and found helpful?

And I’ve asked you to provide the studies I apparently need to read so I will see your point of view after calling me stupid. So yeah, I’d like to see those studies to be honest. When I’m called stupid I like to see what people have backing up their argument. Judging my your responses I’m guessing you’ve got nothing but your opinion.

I actually haven't quoted anyone at all in that example you used. The reason I haven't quoted anyone was that I wasn't responding to any one person, I was talking generally about the impact of homelessness and the connection to dehumanisation which is heavily featured in academic literature.

I'm sorry if you were gunning for an argument tonight but you really have made yourself look quite silly. You should have stopped repeatedly asking me for 'evidence' when I told you that is not what I said.

Perhaps reading won't help after all. Sigh.

Ok then, have a good time thinking you’ve won. But you’re the one who has resorted to calling someone who has disagreed with you stupid, lazy, and dim, as well as shown yourself to be a nasty and condescending person. I mean, does it bother you? Calling someone who has simply disagreed stupid and dim because they won’t back down when you get snotty? I guess it’s a good way to keep people off the streets though - having to talk to you would be great motivation for turning your life round.

And it’s exactly what you said - you said there were hundreds of academic studies I had to read to ‘educate myself.’ When asked for some of these studies you suddenly wanted to ‘forget the research’ and ‘use common sense.’ So why mention the research?

@Autumndays123

’sociopathic tendencies.’

Ableist! Sociopaths are people too, you know, just that they find difficulty relating to other people within social norms. How unsympathetic of you to use their disability as an insult.