To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Why couldn't she have got a lift back with her friends.

If she told your DH earlier he could have changed bed time etc so could have picked her up at 5.45pm

She's 16 and is capable of getting the bus

She's also 16 and would be nice to be picked up in this weather (assuming you're in UK)

She has a baby sibling who probably takes up most of her parents time.
She probably wants to feel included and welcome.

Handled badly on all sides. Lesson learnt.

Don't be annoyed. It's life.

None of her friends live over this way so no, she couldn't have done that.

When you say handled badly on all sides, what do you feel I handled badly?

I think I'm just bloody exhausted and so fed up of having to resolve every issue for everyone in the family 24/7, as well as work a demanding job. And even when I'm physically at my job and DH is on "home duty", I'm still expected to resolve it!

The message she got was that a toddlers bath time was the priority.

It was primarily about the waiting around for 45 minutes in the car with a toddler, actually. That was the main reason. Not the bath time.

Annoying that she waited until almost the agreed time before saying it had started late, presumably she had known this for a while. But that’s 16 year olds for you! I think the drama around bath and bedtime for the toddler is a bit OTT from your partner - would it have killed him to have hung around for the 45 minutes? Could have gone to a nearby supermarket to pass the time. It must be hard for your daughter having a young sibling.

Irritating that they involved you whilst you were at work.

I have 3 children every tuesday DS has to sit in the car for an hour whilst his sisters are in an activity and every Thursday DD's have to sit in the car for an hour whilst DS is in an activity is it fun? No of course not but thats life when you have more than one child. If he hadnt left home then i think telling her she would now have to get the bus is fine but since he was already on the way i think he could have just waited.

I do agree that they didnt need to involve you though.

Honestly, I think you handled it badly by stepping in. I would not have taken this on at all. You didn't make the arrangement, you didn't need to intervene. It is perfectly reasonable to leave them to sort it out.

It is not reasonable for toddler and dh to wait 45 mins in car.

It is also not surprising she is annoyed because she is a teenager. I also think next time she might realise that she has to give more notice if plans are changing and that it may not be possible to change things last min.

@Snugglemonkey

I agree with you there. But DH called me - he didn't text, he called. So I answered assuming it was urgent. But you're right I could have just said at that point I'm not getting involved. I've told him in future don't call unless it's urgent, just text and I'll call back if I've got time to deal with it etc. I do him the same courtesy when he's at work, I only call if it's urgent otherwise I message.

He could have waited - that was a bit shit tbf. Though I'm confused how she was texting and calling during the match to be having the argument - I've done plenty of school football pick ups, they always over run and you never have a clue unless you walk down to the sideline to see what's going on as phones are usually left in the changing rooms.

Does he see picking her up as a favour or part of his general family duties? How will he react in 15 years when your (presumably) child together wants collecting from an afterschool activity when it's dark and cold out?

@BearPunter

I'm assuming she was subbed on the bench at this point, no idea

Also he sees it as part of family life and he's very inclusive of her as his stepdaughter. Never had any issues in that regard. I think it was more just the last minute update that he now had to sit for almost an hour with a tired, bored toddler. When there was a bus stop 10 mins away.

16 is old enough yes.

But I also remember this, my mum never getting involved with anything I did after the age of 13. No shows, no matches, no lift home.

And I resented it (but pretended not to mind) and as I've gotten older, I've realised it's not okay.
But life.

Your DH basically told her, the toddlers bath time was the priority. Not her.

I also wouldn't want my teenager getting a bus home in the freezing cold in the dark in December. But I realise I am probably OTT with that. I just remember having to do it a lot when I was younger

I personally wouldn’t wanting to be walking home 10 minutes to the bus myself in the dark and I wouldn’t want my 16yr old doing it either. I would have waited and kept the little one entertained.

your oh basically told your dd that toddler is more important.,

Hanging around waiting for teenager comes as part of the job.
I think your DH should have waited for her. 5.45 finish and a 30 min drive would mean only a small delay for toddler bath time.

The car heater would have kept them both warm. And surely he could have come up with something to entertain his toddler while waiting. It’s only 45 mins.

Was your daughter the only one not getting picked up?

You do realise that many, many families have to do this sort of thing all the time? Your 16 is getting a pretty clear message here, where it’s the one you intended or not.

I think he should have just waited, the world won't stop if toddlers bath time is slightly later. Loads of parents have to hang about at clubs etc with younger siblings. You've effectively just said world revolves around toddler and she can just lump it. I wouldn't want to be walking in the cold and dark on my own after playing a match and catching a bus so she was no doubt very disappointed and as teenagers do, had to be ott about making her point.

I have spent hours sat in my car with toddlers waiting for my dc to finish activities and if I had been in your DH position I’m pretty sure I would have said no worries I’ll wait. If this was his child do you think he would have waited?
I can see that you feel like your dd is old enough to get the bus and you’re annoyed that she threw a strop but she is presumably tired as well, probably now also cold and having to get the bus home on a dark cold night so I do have some sympathy for her.

She was being absolutely ridiculous & should be the sole focus of your anger, IMO.

But I also remember this, my mum never getting involved with anything I did after the age of 13. No shows, no matches, no lift home.

Wow what an assumption that is you've made! Never getting involved with anything? Are you kidding me? I'm plenty involved when I'm not at work thank you. Just have a shit load to juggle!!

I think he’s pretty pathetic that he couldn’t entertain a toddler for 45 minutes in the car - or walking around if suitable clothes. That’s hardly any time at all. It would have been a nice thing to do for your daughter.

Unless you’ve got a backstory thar she’s rude and demanding and constantly giving wrong times?

I think he was pathetic to drag you into it - although, maybe depends if you’ve only been together a few years.

I think she was annoying to text you so much but that’s a bit of a teen thing. Even when not being annoying I get 5 texts where one would do. And she may have been acting out because she felt unimportant to him. 45 minutes when he was already there… just mean.

So 9/10 for him being a dick.
3/10 for her being annoying.

No some of them get picked up and some of them get the bus, just different directions to where we live.

Interesting that’s how you took the comment.
I read it as the poster commenting that your daughter will remember that your husband wouldn’t do things for her.

And incredibly defensive by you.

A mum who calls and says get the bus. And a stepdad who would rather drive 30mins back than wait 40 extra mins to watch his step daughter play football.

I would be pretty pissed off with him for getting all the way to the match and then leaving, rather than staying to watch. Piss poor by him.
You called her out, not him. And then played the work card.

I also never said you did this btw, I said my mum did and I resented it. Stop being so defensive