To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Wait, where did the appointment come from if the original plan was pick dd up and then home to bath the toddler?

I think it was mean DH didn't wait, as you said you'd have done you'd have gone round a supermarket or coffee shop to wait so toddler wasn't stuck in the car, couldn't he have done the same?

I've told my DS that I'll be picking him up and driving him to college from now on as its dark in the mornings and evenings when he finishes and bloody freezing, there are buses and it's not a very long walk along a well let area but IMO it's just cruel to expect anyone to huff it outside in that weather when you've a car available to collect em. A bath time being out by 45 mins isn't the end of the world and toddler would care much less about that than dd would about being knackered and freezing cold waiting for the bus in the dark after a long day of school and football (presumably with all her gear in tow too??)

I also don’t really see the issue with prioritising a toddler’s needs over a teenagers wants, to be honest. It’s a toddler. They can’t do shit for themselves.

Your DD sounds spoilt, the world does not revolve around her.

Agreed.

100% with you. Except maybe you could have responded 'I'm working, sort it out'.

He was at fault for involving you - not for not waiting for her.

And all those saying poor daughter - She's 16, as you say, she's fine on the bus. She is also (technically) old enough to be married, consent to sex etc and also (in some people's opinion) decide that she isn't her biological sex and should be allowed surgery and hormones to prove it BUT she didn't choose to let her stepdad know that the match kicked off late until just before the time he was supposed to be picking her up. It's quite possible she left it as late as possible to ensure he was nearly there. She must have known an hour or so earlier at least. If she carries on kicking off it's likely to lead to him not wanting to pick her up at all. AND I wouldn't blame him. It should at least warrant a final warning - unless there was really a reason why she couldn't let him know earlier.

Regardless, I do think that, as women we learn to say, 'So, Sort it then' a lot more readily

She wouldn't have just done a full day at school followed by a football match in the freezing cold before that though I assume?

I find it really odd that you can't/won't admit your DD had been wronged here.

He really could have waited for her, chose not to and her mother was less than sympathetic also.

Yes you're tired and burnt out, aren't we all? I'm sure DD was bloody knackered as well.

Your DH shouldn't have involved you while you were at work, but the messages from DD are par for the course I'd imagine - she was hoping you'd back her up at least.

Handled badly by all.

Oh ffs. Heaven forbid a teenager should have to work a nerve. It was teatime it wasn’t 11 o’clock at night.

I disagree that the message she got was toddler is priority.

I think the message she got was, she is cared for enough that one of us will endeavour to collect her if we can. However, when a curveball happens and the plan changes without much notice, you need to flex a little and think about the wider implications of that change for everyone. And maybe you need to put independence skills into practice at those times, when you're two years from adulthood.

Incidentally I was off work (sick) last Wednesday and I collected her myself. I could have told her to get the bus given I was unwell. I didn't. She's not hard done by. Not by any stretch.

I was working full time at 16 (and out clubbing every night but that's another story) My great uncle was on the Western Front at 16. I think both of us would have been ashamed to have found getting a bus difficult.

It is dark and freezing after 5 PM and in this situation a toddler's needs trump those of a hulking teen who will be quite safe anyway.

100% with you. Except maybe you could have responded 'I'm working, sort it out'.

Totally agree and next time I will be doing this!

Thanks. Reported.

Am I the only person who doesn't think 45 mins is that long? Could've played in the car, put music on, got in the back with toddler and played games. I used to drive 4/5 hours at a time with a toddler. Shit that she let him know too late but it's dark and cold and not the end of the world. Can't imagine either of my parents doing an hour round trip but sacking off my lift because DB needed a bath. If it's only a 30 min drive he could've had DC in the bath by 6:25. I dunno, maybe I'm too lenient. Just don't think this is a big deal.

How can you disagree with that when the reason given for not waiting was not wanting toddlers bath time to be disturbed or for them to wait in the car...

Oh no the little one can't be bored you can huff it alone in the dark with all your stuff on the bus

Exactly

So you’re a rare MNer who is in favour of keeping the engine running for 45 mins?

I think you're being a bit unreasonable on your daughter here. If DH had really wanted to, he could have taken toddler to supermarket, library, cafe, walk, a drive. But it seems like he didn't particularly want to put the effort in in favour of toddler. And I think that's why DD is upset and saying its unfair. Because to her it will feel like he's chosen toddler over her and as a stepchild with a large age gap sibling she's probably already sensitive to that so perhaps she's responded a bit more emotionally.

I think as he's step parent to her, ideally they should have been able to work it out themselves but as you're parent, didn't feel like they could. But I agree that you should have only been contacted as last resort.

Also, you're shattered, you are pouring from an empty cup and perhaps it's easier to side with DH than DD and as you're feeling so exhausted you don't have the extra energy to spare on this.

Perhaps the 3 of you should sit down when calm and talk, and listen to eachother, because I think there's other things aside what's happened that have contributed to how it's played out today.

@Bintymcbintface

I can disagree because I think it's more nuanced than that, as per my second paragraph. And because of the many, many examples of times when her needs have taken priority. Therefore I do not believe that she has the message "you are not priority". Just that at different times, different people's needs will take priority and plans will need to change, and that's life.

I never quite understand why toddlers routines have to be so rigid ? When my ds1 was 18 months old he had to be dragged out of bed at 10pm a couple of times a week for dh to pick me up from a Nursing shift as there was zero public transport. It wasn't ideal but he survived. I guess she was just being a typical teenager maybe tired after a long day at school and then a football match and didn't want another 30 minutes walk on top. But I agree there was no need for you to be dragged into it when you were trying to work. DH should have changed toddlers routine or let her watch the rest of the match well wrapped up, a bath an hour later isn't going to matter.

I feel bad for your teen to be honest. I'm in the Midlands and it was minus 1 when I left work at 530pm today. I got home and it was 0 degrees.

A 10 min walk to a bus stop, waiting for the bus and then a half hour (guessing longer as its 30 mins by car and buses go slower and have to stop) bus journey followed by a walk home.

I'd have waited the 45 mins or taken toddler for a drove round or to a supermarket to pass the time.

You say he couldn't wait as he had an appointment and could only do a 5pm pick up, was the teen expected to look after your youngest while he had this appointment? Who had the youngest while this appointment happened?

Also, you're shattered, you are pouring from an empty cup and perhaps it's easier to side with DH than DD and as you're feeling so exhausted you don't have the extra energy to spare on this.

I think there's an element of truth in this, tbh.

Just blast the heating and warm the car up whilst he's driving. That's what I did this morning when I went to the Launderette. Sat in the car and made a phonecall whilst my clothes were in the drier. 35 mins and my car was plenty warm enough still. It isn't going to be dangerously cold in the car after 45 mins.

Agreed. I have a 16 year old and I know she would be upset about this too. It’s not the end of the world for them to wait in the car for her, it’s not a regular occurrence. It’s dark early and cold.

@AbreathofFrenchair

You say he couldn't wait as he had an appointment and could only do a 5pm pick up, was the teen expected to look after your youngest while he had this appointment? Who had the youngest while this appointment happened?

You've read my posts incorrectly.

I said he couldn't have watched the match due to other commitments. Which he took the toddler to with him. So no, DD was not "expected" to do any childcare.

Bloody hell, it's a wonder some teens ever become independent! She was asked to get the bus home at 5:45, not 11pm!