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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn’t invite someone to your stag/hen if they’re not invited to your wedding?

115 replies

Justnosing · 06/12/2022 22:45

And would you attend?

weekend abroad stag/hen. Been friends for around 10 years (they are friends/close relatives of our closer friends)

Stag and hen dos are coming up. The thing is, we’ve not been invited to the wedding which is in 2 months time…

we have invited the couple to every event we’ve hosted over the last 10 years. And have had the couple round without our other friends or their relatives.

We are the only friends out of our “group” that have been invited on the stag and hen (though this could be for other reasons), but not even an evening invite to the wedding.

would you go?

OP posts:
MyrrAgain · 07/12/2022 09:02

Only go if you fancy a weekend away and have other good friends in the hen group that you'll enjoy your time with! A weekend away with friends sounds great. But only for that reason.

Candleabra · 07/12/2022 09:04

I’d go if I fancied a night out. But not if it was loads of money, or I had to take annual leave.

I was invited on a hen do once - I went. I assumed I was invited to the wedding but when the other hens were talking on the day about outfits and hotel plans it was clear I wasn’t.
About a week before the wedding an evening do invitation camethrough the post. On the evening itself - everyone had been at the whole wedding. There was no evening do (just me!) No idea why I was invited on the hen do, but I think it was just to bump up the numbers.,

walkinwardrobe · 07/12/2022 09:11

Don't go. It's cringeful unless it's a family only wedding.

BusyMum47 · 07/12/2022 09:17

There is not a chance in hell that I'd go on an expensive stag/hen trip, abroad, for a wedding that I haven't been invited to. SO rude of the bride/groom to invite you if they don't deem you close enough to include you in the wedding. This would probably be a friendship deal breaker for me.

Ragwort · 07/12/2022 09:25

Do you actually want to go or are you accepting the invitation out of a sense of obligation? If it is (for example) Paris and you love Paris and the group of friends then you will presumably have a good time without worrying about attending the wedding. But it sounds like you are caught up with the whole convention of Hen parties, weddings etc rather than just enjoying the occasion. In that case, don't accept. But if you were invited to the wedding would you be thinking 'oh and a lovely Hen do to attend as well'?

I think a lot of people have a real 'fear' of declining invitations ... my friend's DD (late 20s) is forever accepting invitations to Hen Parties and to be a bridesmaid ... she doesn't enjoy either but, despite having a professional career can't seem to say 'no thank you'.

Personally I am very grateful that the only Hen do I have ever been invited to was a meal at a Beefeater ... and yes, I was invited to the wedding as well. Grin

Sindonym · 07/12/2022 09:45

I’m one of the ones who said check it’s not a mistake. I’d definitely not go if not invited. But tbf i don’t really like hen dos anyway (didn’t have one myself)

Herroyal · 07/12/2022 10:54

No, I wouldn't. If I wasn't invited to the wedding I wouldn't expect to be invited to the hen do. I have been to weddings where I wasn't on the hen though.

Pearfacebanana · 07/12/2022 20:18

Placemarking for the update after DH speaks to from!

BogRollBOGOF · 07/12/2022 20:26

If it's a small wedding and the bride/ groom are upfront about who's invited to what, I can understand it.

If it's a wedding with friends and family and no explanation is given, that's unreasonable and puts people in an awkward position.

Ellie1015 · 08/12/2022 11:17

Good that dh is clarifying.

Go to hen if it appeals to you, but absolutely do not go if you don't want to. If they have to felt obliged to invite you to wedding why should you feel you need to attend hen/stag.

Still hoping mix up with invites though.

BesidetheseasideXxx · 08/12/2022 11:39

I wouldn't go and spend all that time and money if I wasn't invited to the wedding. Unless they are having a really small wedding with only very close family members, but even then they should have explained that to you.

Smearywindowsagain · 08/12/2022 11:44

No. It’s CF as far as I’m concerned and you’re usually invited to somehow make it cheaper for others/ the bride

Frabbits · 08/12/2022 11:48

I don't think it's the worst thing in the world if it's a small wedding. Nobody is being forced to attend.

ElectronicAd7737 · 16/12/2022 22:41

That is just bizarre. Come to a stag/hen do in anticipation of our wedding, a wedding you're not invited to.

bridgetreilly · 16/12/2022 23:39

No. I mean, I wouldn’t go on an overseas hen do in any circumstances, but I also wouldn’t go to any kind of hen do where I wasn’t also going to the wedding. So weird.

riotlady · 17/12/2022 09:05

No, this happened to me recently and I declined! Got invited to an expensive hen do and not the wedding- obviously only there so I could make up the numbers so they could afford to rent their daft Instagram house for the hen party.

Twopenceworthtoday · 19/12/2022 16:49

@Justnosing

Do you have any updates on this? I feel emotionally invested in the outcome!

Rewis · 19/12/2022 16:58

My friend wanted to jnvite people to hen who were not invistes to wedding. One woman responded that she's not gonna come because she is not invited to wedding. I spoke with 3 women that did come even without the invite and they were so happy to be part of it eventhough they weren't invited to wedding.

I wouldn't invite peopleTo hen who haven't been invited to wedding. But I'd go if I felt like it but I wouldn't Feel bad if I didn't go.

Rewis · 19/12/2022 16:58

Ffs. Mn adding random spaces again.

Heatherbell1978 · 19/12/2022 17:01

I did once but different circumstances. I was invited to hen weekend away but lots of girls from work were going and I'd just joined the team so I think the bride didn't want me feeling left out. But I didn't know her well enough to go to the wedding. I was in my early 20s with disposable cash at the time so quite happy to go along.

harrassedmumto3 · 19/12/2022 18:19

It's a bloody cheek!

SquigglePigs · 21/12/2022 22:12

In your specific circumstances I can understand being a bit annoyed but I think your blanket title/headline is not necessarily fair.

We had a very small wedding (about 20 people) but I had a dozen lovely friends attend a low key hen weekend (daytime activity and meal out but no hotel required). It meant a lot to me that my friends celebrated with me but also understood why we needed such a small wedding. We did throw a party for our friends after our honeymoon so I'm not sure if that made a difference.

Elsiebear90 · 21/12/2022 22:19

I think it’s only acceptable if the wedding is very small, otherwise it’s just rude. I was invited to a hen party through work and a lot of people (including myself) weren’t invited to the wedding, I didn’t attend as I was busy, but I didn’t mind because it was a surprise for the bride and wasn’t an expensive event, she didn’t plan the hen or send the invites herself. I think it’s very rude to invite someone to an expensive abroad hen do and not invite them to your large wedding.

catandcoffee · 03/02/2023 22:44

so what happened @Justnosing 🤔

KimberleyClark · 03/02/2023 22:49

Got married 30 odd years ago and it was quite normal to invite people on hen dos that weren’t coming to the wedding, e.g work colleagues. But back then it was just a night out, not a week’s holiday and not even a weekend away.

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