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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn’t invite someone to your stag/hen if they’re not invited to your wedding?

115 replies

Justnosing · 06/12/2022 22:45

And would you attend?

weekend abroad stag/hen. Been friends for around 10 years (they are friends/close relatives of our closer friends)

Stag and hen dos are coming up. The thing is, we’ve not been invited to the wedding which is in 2 months time…

we have invited the couple to every event we’ve hosted over the last 10 years. And have had the couple round without our other friends or their relatives.

We are the only friends out of our “group” that have been invited on the stag and hen (though this could be for other reasons), but not even an evening invite to the wedding.

would you go?

OP posts:
mrsharrisgoestoparis · 06/12/2022 22:46

No book a night away in a hotel

pangolina · 06/12/2022 22:47

Probably not, no. I've politely declined invitations to expensive weekend break hen dos for weddings where I have only warranted an evening invite that required 1.5 hrs travel each way. Thanks but no thanks.

lucya66 · 06/12/2022 22:47

Different lists. Maybe they want you to be part of something but numbers tight on wedding due to budget?

lap90 · 06/12/2022 22:48

It would be a no from me.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/12/2022 22:48

I’d go, but then I like parties and events generally so it wouldn’t be a chore. I have friends coming on my hen-do who aren’t invited to the wedding, albeit they invited themselves / wanted to help arrange it despite knowing they weren’t invited. Our wedding is small, there are lots of people I’d like to be there who just can’t be, they don’t see it as a slight that they aren’t, just how it is when you can’t afford to host a couple of hundred people.

Original poster
Justnosing · 06/12/2022 22:51

I don’t actually think it’s a numbers thing. They’re not hard up, especially for an evening invite. It’s more the fact they’ve been hosted by us with no expense spared for years. It’s also not even been mentioned that we’re not invited.. we just haven’t had an invite. I do want to mention it as I do believe it’s rude of them but don’t really know how to bring it up without sounding like a pushy cow

OP posts:
OnlyFannys · 06/12/2022 22:51

No that's very odd, yanbu

MoreSleepPleasee · 06/12/2022 22:56

Yanbu. I was invited to an engagement party where we all wrote a message on this huge wooden heart which was going to then be on display at the wedding. How sweet. While there I was asked if I'd been invited to the hen party. No. Mortified. Then got asked if I'd been invited to the wedding which was apparently already all planned. Again, no. No idea why they even invited me to the engagement party. Felt like taking my gift back.

catsonahottinroof · 06/12/2022 22:56

YANBU, the only acceptable reason I can think of is if the wedding is really small, like family only plus one or two close friends type thing, and even then you should only go to the hen do if you really want to anyway.

Cornelious · 06/12/2022 22:57

Yes I have. It was my sisters soon to be SIL. She was having a small wedding due to covid. Had a great time at the hen!

CourtneeLuv · 06/12/2022 22:59

Justnosing · 06/12/2022 22:45

And would you attend?

weekend abroad stag/hen. Been friends for around 10 years (they are friends/close relatives of our closer friends)

Stag and hen dos are coming up. The thing is, we’ve not been invited to the wedding which is in 2 months time…

we have invited the couple to every event we’ve hosted over the last 10 years. And have had the couple round without our other friends or their relatives.

We are the only friends out of our “group” that have been invited on the stag and hen (though this could be for other reasons), but not even an evening invite to the wedding.

would you go?

No. And I wouldn't be sending cards or gifts.

Or further invitations to my events.

They've shown you what they think of you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/12/2022 23:01

I think you need to text a mutual friend and ask them to sound the couple out, to check your invitation hasn’t been lost or forgotten.

And then if you’re not invited to the wedding of course don’t go to the hen/stag. Fuck that.

Trees6 · 06/12/2022 23:01

I’d give this a miss, OP.

RedHouseWins · 06/12/2022 23:04

I always view hen do's as the inner most inner circle, so would definitely expect to be at the wedding.

Badgirlriri · 06/12/2022 23:06

I had the same. Invited and paid for a weekend away hen (approx £1k in total) and then realised I wasn’t invited to the wedding. Going on that hen is probably one of my biggest regrets in life! What a mug I was.

SageRosemary · 06/12/2022 23:23

When you say "wedding abroad", do you mean they are having a destination wedding or they are going back to their birthplace for a wedding? Because, if it is the latter and they are going back to Ireland, then invitations are usually only issued 6 weeks before the wedding - so there is plenty of time yet!

saraclara · 06/12/2022 23:28

Been friends for around 10 years (they are friends/close relatives of our closer friends)

So say to the closer friends "I'm confused because I seem to have been invited to the hen, but not to the wedding. Do you think there's been a mistake somewhere?;

WhyArePiratesCalledPirates · 06/12/2022 23:29

It's a no from me.
I decline hens when I'm not good enough to invite to the wedding.
They cost a bloody fortune! Especially abroad ones. And since your not worthy of the cost of a plate of dinner, why would you prioritise your (limited?) free time and funds to "make up the numbers".

This really hacks me off. So no. Not unreasonable at all.

TrixJax · 06/12/2022 23:31

It would depend. If the wedding was abroad or a tiny wedding with only immediate family then fare enough.
Otherwise I would decline.

Original poster
Justnosing · 06/12/2022 23:40

The wedding isn’t abroad just to clarify. It’s out of our city (think estate home) but not a huge inconvenience for us to travel even if it was just an evening invite. Both the stag and hen parties are abroad though.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 06/12/2022 23:43

If they’re such good friends why would you not just ask them? There’s no way I’d not ask someone why I’m not invited in this situation.

Boulshired · 06/12/2022 23:43

If you would consider the hen and stag do then you really need to make sure that there is no mix up with the wedding. It sounds like it’s already going to alter the relationship going forward so it might be better just to ask.

Clymene · 06/12/2022 23:44

It's enormously rude to ask people to stag/hen parties and not invite them to the wedding.

Decline

XenoBitch · 06/12/2022 23:46

Hen/stag do invites are already your "inner circle" of people you want at your wedding, surely?

Clymene · 06/12/2022 23:47

If you were invited to the wedding, they'd be checking why you've not replied to the invitation they ned to know numbers for catering

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