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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn’t invite someone to your stag/hen if they’re not invited to your wedding?

115 replies

Justnosing · 06/12/2022 22:45

And would you attend?

weekend abroad stag/hen. Been friends for around 10 years (they are friends/close relatives of our closer friends)

Stag and hen dos are coming up. The thing is, we’ve not been invited to the wedding which is in 2 months time…

we have invited the couple to every event we’ve hosted over the last 10 years. And have had the couple round without our other friends or their relatives.

We are the only friends out of our “group” that have been invited on the stag and hen (though this could be for other reasons), but not even an evening invite to the wedding.

would you go?

OP posts:
Byelaws · 06/12/2022 23:47

Do you actually want to go to either event?

Foofedifiknow · 06/12/2022 23:55

Badgirlriri · 06/12/2022 23:06

I had the same. Invited and paid for a weekend away hen (approx £1k in total) and then realised I wasn’t invited to the wedding. Going on that hen is probably one of my biggest regrets in life! What a mug I was.

Ugh me too Total cringe fest - it’s a helpful signifier that a friendship is over !
I was even in room share with the bride and her sister so “inner circle” for hen - so awkward & had better things to be doing.

Tripsabroad · 07/12/2022 00:02

I would if either a) the actual wedding was super small (eg parents only or covid restrictions or something), or b) I really wanted a weekend away with that group of people.

But generally no.

MermaidMummy06 · 07/12/2022 00:04

No way. I find the whole expensive trip stag and hen do thing ridiculous anyway.

I'd assume your bride wants to bulk up the number attending the hen do - at no cost cost to herself (and possibly expecting your to contribute to her costs).

I've no idea why you'd even consider it. Book a weekend away that weekend that YOU want to do. Spend the money on yourself. And include a treat to the value of the gift and travel to the wedding you would have spent.

LadySpencer123 · 07/12/2022 00:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GooglyEyeballs · 07/12/2022 00:19

Hen/stag dos are an expense for the guests so I agree it's a bit cheeky to expect people to fork out to come to their stag/hen celebrations when they're not considered important enough to be included in the wedding (unless they're eloping or having the smallest wedding ever). I wouldn't go. And also wouldn't mention the lack of wedding invite, I would just politely decline and hope they have a nice time and only elaborate on the reason if you're directly asked. Tbh if someone invited me to their hen and not their wedding I'd feel like they didn't really want me at their hen and it was a guilt invite or they're hoping I don't actually come.

fshhh7 · 07/12/2022 00:22

No. However I would definitely seek clarity on the actual wedding invite (either directly or via a mutual friend).

And I think it works both ways. A couple I knew once happily accepted invites to the stag/hen dos but had no intention of attending the actual wedding (and weren't up front with the bride and groom).

I strugglecto understand why people spend so much time worrying about this stuff without just asking the person directly (or a mutual friend if it's really tricky).

Cantstandbullshit · 07/12/2022 00:24

lucya66 · 06/12/2022 22:47

Different lists. Maybe they want you to be part of something but numbers tight on wedding due to budget?

If I’m important enough to be expected to come spend money for your hen do then I should be important enough to be invited for the wedding. So what happens when they are talking about the wedding during the hen do? She sits there pretending she can’t hear or just smile knowing she’s not invited?

cypresstree · 07/12/2022 00:25

beyond unacceptable, total ignoramuses. Steer well clear OP.

Cw112 · 07/12/2022 00:36

I think it depends on how intimate the wedding is going to be. I understand people choosing to have a very intimate and small wedding and then using stag/hen dos as a way to celebrate with everyone they'd have had if they were doing a bigger day or had a bigger venue. If I knew I was the only one not invited and everyone else had definitely received their invites then I probably wouldn't go unless I wanted to and could afford it. So I think take it as a get out of jail free card and attend if you fancy it, but don't feel bad saying no if you don't.

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/12/2022 02:58

That's incredibly rude, of course you shouldn't go.

Are you being asked to pony up a share of the stag and hen's costs in addition to your own? They are bare faced cheeky fuckers if so.

Judgyjudgy · 07/12/2022 03:07

Probably. Although I had a strict budget for my wedding (so only very close friends and family) and was tempted to invite all my friends to a hens as to me that was more a party. It was just a night out in town though, not going away or anything with a huge expense. Also they knew they weren't invited to the wedding as it was small

ConnieTucker · 07/12/2022 03:07

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/12/2022 02:58

That's incredibly rude, of course you shouldn't go.

Are you being asked to pony up a share of the stag and hen's costs in addition to your own? They are bare faced cheeky fuckers if so.

This. Hen and stag are massively expensive for the guest. Wedding is the b&g cost and theyre not willing to pay for that

tbh though having an invite to the stag and hen i think gives a perfect opening to ‘we haven't had our wedding invites yet’

ShandaLear · 07/12/2022 03:14

Hell no, that’s precious annual leave and a lot of money to waste on someone who doesn’t want you at their wedding.

Senseofsomething · 07/12/2022 03:19

I say ask. By msg if a conversation feels awkward. Just type honestly to the bride something like. ‘Sorry to ask but just to clarify things. I’m feeling unsure about coming to your hen as I don’t know if I’m invited to the wedding. I think I might feel awkward at a hen with a lot of wedding talk if I am not in the wedding guest list.’

Then see what she says.

And if it is a no wedding invite situation I wouldn’t go personally. If that is the case it’s odd and not very nice of them!

SafariRushHour · 07/12/2022 04:01

Check you’re not invited to the wedding before deciding . Text the couple ‘planning ahead and wondered if we are due to receive a wedding invitation, understand numbers might be limited’

deeperthanallroses · 07/12/2022 04:04

If I were not invited to the wedding no chance I would go to the hens.

sausage767 · 07/12/2022 05:26

If I knew a friend/work colleague was having a very small wedding, I’d be happy to attend the hen/kitchen tea without attending the wedding.

Not a hen weekend abroad though, unless I particularly wanted to go to that destination anyway.

Bard6817 · 07/12/2022 05:33

I’d not respond.

If questioned, i’d reply that you were waiting on dates for the wedding to make sure you were going to to be able to attend, as it would be rude to do one without the other.

Mamaneedsadrink · 07/12/2022 05:33

What's the issue ... bit strange, but there must be a reason. She obviously likes you and wanted to invite you. If you don't want to go, then don't go 🤷‍♀️

Sindonym · 07/12/2022 05:38

Most likely explanation is your invitation was lost in post. Ask!

Rainbowqueeen · 07/12/2022 05:55

If I’m not invited to the wedding, in the circumstances you describe, no I wouldn’t go.

I would check if I was invited to the wedding though.

Lampzade · 07/12/2022 06:01

I definitely would not go.

Mexicola · 07/12/2022 06:12

They’re either extreme CFs or there has been some kind of mistake with your wedding invite.

in these circumstances I would check if it has been lost.

I would just message:

Hi - thanks for the invite the the stag/hen parties. I don’t want to upset you, but it would feel strange to me to attend when we’re not invited to any part of the wedding. So we’ll have to be a no. Hope you have a great time and enjoy your special day.”

uncomplicatedish · 07/12/2022 06:20

Depends on the wedding.

Is it small family only?

When we got married we didn't want anything big (budget and DH hates the attention) at all so we went with immediate family and grandparents only.

DH didn't want a stag at all, I went to the spa for the weekend and invited all my friends on a 'be lovely if you can but understand if you don't want to/can't basis' and eight of us went in end. None were invited to the wedding - but had made it clear to them it was family only not a personal slight.

I'd say if you like the sound of the do then go and if not don't. Take no offence over the lack of wedding invite as they'll have their reasons.

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