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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn’t invite someone to your stag/hen if they’re not invited to your wedding?

115 replies

Justnosing · 06/12/2022 22:45

And would you attend?

weekend abroad stag/hen. Been friends for around 10 years (they are friends/close relatives of our closer friends)

Stag and hen dos are coming up. The thing is, we’ve not been invited to the wedding which is in 2 months time…

we have invited the couple to every event we’ve hosted over the last 10 years. And have had the couple round without our other friends or their relatives.

We are the only friends out of our “group” that have been invited on the stag and hen (though this could be for other reasons), but not even an evening invite to the wedding.

would you go?

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2022 06:35

I'd have to ask about the wedding to be honest. That shouldn't really be an issue if you're that close to them?
Maybe it's been lost in the post or something? Just mention it!

Luckystitch · 07/12/2022 06:38

Are you sure your invitation just hasn't arrived? Maybe just check with them?

Campervangirl · 07/12/2022 06:46

Nope!
I always thought hen/stag invites are for the innermost circle and it's a given that those invited are on the guest list for the whole wedding not just the evening do.
Add into the mix that you've included them when you've hosted an event but you're not invited to the wedding or even the evening, I definitely wouldn't go to the hen party.
I'd rethink that friendship and not invite them to any event you plan in future.
Personally, if I'm not invited to the whole day I won't attend a wedding (bit of an arsehole maybe 🤔) I don't make a fuss I just politely decline as weddings are expensive, present, outfit, travel, hotel etc if we're not close enough for me to be invited to the whole day you don't need me there for the evening.
I wouldn't go on the hen do, the wedding will be talked about and you'll be sat there the only person not invited, awks!

Paq · 07/12/2022 06:48

No, don't go, that's just rude.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 07/12/2022 06:54

I’d get friends to dig around about the wedding invitation and report back.

If definitely NFI, then no, I would not attend the Hen but wouldn’t make a fuss about it. I’d RSVP saying I was away that weekend but have a wonderful time and see you soon, and I’d leave it at that. No drama but very limited future friendship (eg. Only when attending something a mutual friend had arranged).

Eddielizzard · 07/12/2022 06:55

No I wouldn't go. Extremely rude.

LaBellina · 07/12/2022 06:55

No. Hen parties are basically doing the bride a favor (I have always hated them), in my culture we are also supposed to pay for the bride to be, no way I would make that investment for someone who didn’t even invite me to their wedding.

Flowerfairy101 · 07/12/2022 07:02

I think people do this to feel/look like they have lots of mates for their stag or hen but then don't want to shell out for all of them to attend the wedding.

crumbsneverdid · 07/12/2022 07:04

I can't imagine a friendship circle where 1) they wouldn't explain why you're not invited, and 2) other people in the circle wouldn't know / be asking / talking about the fact you're not going. Are you sure there isn't a mistake?

Dittosaw · 07/12/2022 07:04

I couldn’t afford to invite all of my friends to my wedding but I didn’t want them to be left out so I invited them to the hen do. I also let them knew that I would have lived to invite them but had had to prioritise relatives etc and apologised profusely so there was no room for guesswork.

I would go to the Stag do and keep the friendship. It’s not worth falling out over

MissTrip82 · 07/12/2022 07:04

I’ve been to a few dinner/drinks hen dos for people from work and not been invited to the wedding, I found that ok. I was happy to celebrate with them. I think a weekend away type hen do is taking the piss.

Poppyblush · 07/12/2022 07:13

Sorry but I’d call her out as it’s already affected the friendship.

Ellie1015 · 07/12/2022 07:23

I would assume invite not sent yet or lost in post. Unusual not to invite close friends to wedding without. Really weird to include in stag/hen without mentioning eg "we are really sorry numbers are really small/tight for wedding. Would love you to come to stag/hen but understand you if you cant"

Check on the invite.

piedbeauty · 07/12/2022 07:24

It's the height of rudeness to expect people to cough up for a weekend away abroad for a hen do, then not to be arsed to pay for their food at your wedding. What weird priorities.

I'd check with a mutual friend to see if there had been some mistake, but if I wasn't invited to the wedding I certainly wouldn't go to the hen.

Or invite them to anything else I was hosting, the CFs.

TheNoodlesIncident · 07/12/2022 07:26

I would clarify beforehand that you are actually not invited to the wedding, it would be a shame to wreck a friendship out of a misunderstanding, so clarification makes sense.

If you're definitely not invited, then no need to go and sustain a one-sided friendship any further. I wouldn't fork out to go abroad for a hen-do/stag if the bride and groom don't want to pay to host me, and I wouldn't feel the same about them after including them lots of times when you've hosted them.

It can't be the very small wedding reason, as lots of mutual friends have been invited, haven't they. So not "family only but please come to hen-do".

EnjoythemoneyJane · 07/12/2022 08:08

Justnosing · 06/12/2022 23:40

The wedding isn’t abroad just to clarify. It’s out of our city (think estate home) but not a huge inconvenience for us to travel even if it was just an evening invite. Both the stag and hen parties are abroad though.

This makes me think it’s a numbers thing but for the hen rather than the wedding, OP. They may need a certain number of bums on seats to make it affordable for everyone to go, especially if it’s overseas and a shared house or hotel rooms type arrangement. In which case Bridie is a CF.

But I’d sound out one of the other hens if you’re close enough to anyone, just in case there’s a good reason why you (and potentially others) have been excluded from the wedding. If not I’d just blow the whole thing off.

Brefugee · 07/12/2022 08:12

I'd assume i was invited on the hen/stag for cost reasons and i'd say to the couple "ha, no thanks we're not even invited to your wedding" and leave it at that.

RememberFlimsy · 07/12/2022 08:15

I wouldn't go.

quinceh · 07/12/2022 08:25

I probably wouldn’t go to such an expensive hen anyway, but not being invited to the wedding wouldn’t necessarily stop me if I fancied it. However you can just decline the invite.

felulageller · 07/12/2022 08:29

This happened to me. Invite to group event in shared accommodation. Paid c £200 to share room with woman I'd never met. (I was out of work at the time). Was reasonably good but nothing very special. Other than a hot tub was just like any other weekend out in bars in ordinary place.

Then wedding comes around and I've just got an evening invite. Was a long drive away. Not worth staying overnight for 2 hour invite so didn't drink as driving. Arrived and all friends/ hen invitees were at the table having had their meal and talking about the ceremony etc. Was pointless attending. Another cost plus had to buy present.

Dawned on me later I'd probably just got the hen invite to fill the accommodation to make the cost cheaper for everyone else.

Felt very used.

No longer friends with them.

(The next one from the group didn't invite me to any of hen/wedding despite near 20 year friendship)

Excited101 · 07/12/2022 08:33

I got invited to a hen once, I was quite surprised. But then a week after I paid the deposit, I got the wedding invitation to the evening only… I had been asked if I’d drive to the hen venue and to bring a niche kitchen gadget we used to do together at uni. I made up the (very small) hen numbers and ensured it was an even number- which they needed for accommodation. I felt VERY used tbh.

Horsesandzebras · 07/12/2022 08:33

Have you double checked that you're not invited? It could be a lost invitation or a just slip of the mind.

Check that first and get back to us.

It seems very strange otherwise.

tresleches · 07/12/2022 08:35

It's rude, as PP established, but when the hen/stag is abroad and so very expensive, much more of a time commitment and takes effort to make it work with your daily life (possibly involving annual leave), it is unbelievably rude. It's expecting more of people they clearly value less by not inviting them to the wedding.

The cases I've heard of have involved trips abroad, which sadly does seem to suggest it's to make up numbers.

Original poster
Justnosing · 07/12/2022 08:45

Thanks for the replies. I’m 99% certain there’s not been a mistake with the invites as there has been literally 0 mention of the wedding at all to us. If there had have been I’d have probably made a joke about not receiving an invite.

in hindsight I wish I would’ve addressed it upon invite to the hen. But as the couple have been engaged for a good few years (thinking maybe 6?) the hen and stag were proposed last year so we thought at the time there’s plenty of time for an invite. Now the wedding is a matter of weeks/couple of months away I’m sure they’ve confirmed numbers with the venue and caterers.

DH is going to bring it up with the groom and has said he won’t be attending if groom confirms were not invited. Which makes it doubly awkward because it’s literally in a couple of weeks!

OP posts:
Horsesandzebras · 07/12/2022 08:54

I'd definitely tell them how you feel about this situation. Tell them how it makes you feel. Ask are you just there to make up numbers for the hen do?

The only other situation where it might be understandable is if you are great hen do value, but not suitable for mixing with the family i.e drama queen drunk!

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