Not wanting anyone to hold or kiss my baby during Christmas Eve's celebration?

[AnaCav]

Hey everyone,

On the 24th, DH, DS (5 month old) and I are going to spend Christmas Eve with my extended family, as we do every Christmas (my Uncle and Aunt are hosting and they live close to us). We love Christmas, love spending Christmas Eve with all the family and are excited to go. However, given the current triple threat of flu, rsv (this one especially tough on babies) and covid, we are in agreement: DH and I want to be very clear on that day in saying to everyone that we will be the only ones holding the baby and no one will be kissing him etc. (with the exception of my Parents, who are always with him). The amount of people getting the flu or other respiratory virus is insane right now and it will be a relatively large family party (25/30 people).

I feel like a lot of people in my family will find this over-the-top, rude and that we're germaphobic freaks, but I really feel that it is the responsible thing to do. What would be the polite yet effective way of telling all my aunts and uncles and cousins and other little kids this without sounding rude or coming across as obnoxious? It feels so weird to say no when someone from my family says "aww can i hold him???" but I feel I need to set clear boundaries on that day. AIBU?

I'm not questioning your decision but it doesn't sound like you would have any fun at a party constantly telling people not to touch your baby.

The recent crop of horrific bugs is a direct result of very young children not having been in contact with other people for the covid years. Why would you try to replicate that?

There's a balance. Big difference between children in contact with a reasonably small community who tend to get one thing and then get over it for a while (as nature intended) than what we have (big new groups randomly mixing and children treated like large litters in nurseries so babies have no respite between bugs).

@FusionChefGeoff there is NO benefit to being exposed to pathogens at an early age, or at any age. As someone else pointed out above, delaying catching viruses leads to much better outcomes, whether it's RSV or herpes simplex, but best of all to not catch illness. Our immunity doesn't need 'practice' fighting off viruses and infections. This is a dangerous misconception that needs to change.

This is different to being in contact with dirt, which is good for building immunity.

@HerculesMorseShrank exactly right, numbers from Denmark now also show that the age group that were shielded from RSV during COVID are now catching it but with proportionately fewer severe outcomes.

And what is it in the dirt that benefits your immunity @ThaiDye - yes that's right pathogens.

The immune system is immensely complex and poorly understood but even so, a bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. I've only studied it at degree level (a few modules) and even I can spot a number of inaccuracies and oversimplifications in your post, so maybe you should temper your "advice" with a bit more knowledge.

If keeping your baby away from all the other guests is your priority I think you should just stay at home.

I’m in my 40s and don’t want multiple people kissing me. Why would it be more reasonable to slobber over a 5mo old??

Additionally, the desire of people (incl relatives) to hug and kiss babies who are not theirs is not as big as the first time parents imagine. Babies are loud, boring and occasionally smelly. Perhaps you are imagining problems where there are none.

Are you and your h going to be hugging and kissing people ? If so, your baby could catch it from you or your h - aren't most respiratory viruses airborne ? Is the venue large so you can social distance ?

While I understand the desire to avoid viruses, going to a large gathering means that you are increasing the odds that someone from your household will catch something

I think you should all stay at home if you're that worried. Babies need to be exposed to build their immunity. But I'd never kiss someone else's baby, that's a bit weird. And if someone has actual flu, they probably won't be going to a party..

@Untitledsquatboulder My apologies for using the word 'pathogen' in the first sentence when I meant 'respiratory pathogen'. I stand by the rest of my comment.

There's a difference between bacteria/parasites you can get exposed to in dirt and airborne viruses. Yes some bacteria can make you ill, some parasites are dangerous, but on the whole it's healthy not to over-sanitise.

I can't think of a beneficial virus. Especially not one that causes respiratory illness and especially not in a 5 month old baby. There's nothing good about getting infected with COVID/RSV/flu.

anyone saying ‘oh must be your first’ do you remember how annoying it was hearing that when it was YOUR first?? if OP is nervous about germs then that’s just being a good mother. i got lax about germs because everyone used the must be your first line on me and ended up in hospital for a week with my 6 month old having bronchiolitis and projectile vomiting everywhere. protect your baby OP, probably best off just using a sling or just being honest and telling people you’re anxious about him catching something

I think it's a, let's say strange, assumption that everyone's going to be desperate to kiss and hold your baby and that you're going to have to be fighting them off.

I think you're imagining more people want to kiss and hold your baby than really do - not everyone is interested in babies or even if they are, wants to hold them.

If you want to reduce risk then don't go to a party with 30 odd people.

If you want to avoid your baby being held or kissed then say so and use a sling.

Receiving a lot of comments saying I'm misguided in assuming that everyone will want to kiss my baby. As I said before, all family members that are going to be there have already spent time with my son and they were all very huggy and kissy with the baby. We're very overtly affectionate with each other. It's probably cultural (we're from Southern Europe).

Surprised by so many harsh comments. I'm especially surprised given that I shared my concerns in the family whatsapp chat and everyone was really supportive, saying that I was absolutely right in taking extra precautions because of all the news saying ER services are overwhelmed with sick infanta and that this season is being especially tough for babies. They said they would absolutely let me know if anyone was feeling a bit off or under the weather. I guess open communication and being honest about my anxiety really paid off since everyone was really supportive and non-judgemental.

Thanks to everyone who - regardless of what they thought about my concerns - showed empathy with this first time Mom!

Hope you all have wonderful holidays!!

For a site called mumsnet, I find a lot of people on here really judgemental towards new mums 🙃

im glad your family are supportive and you don’t get to miss out on the party! Happy holidays to you too!

Kissing is a no no but other people not holding your baby is over the top. If they’re in the same room as baby, baby will catch germs anyway!

Bear in mind the flu season technically runs into March so you’re going to be home and alone for many more months…

I can understand your concerns, but think talk of messaging people and stipulating what level of contact is allowed is excessive and it would be best if you just don’t go. Especially as the majority of viral illnesses are transmitted through a respiratory route, so your baby could be exposed even in your arms.

YANBU to want to protect your baby from winter illnesses. However, he is 5 months old, not a newborn, so you can relax a little. At this age he will be putting alsorts in his mouth anyway, all of which will be covered in germs.

I wouldn't be keen on kisses from anyone and everyone due to the coldsore virus. However, passing him around for cuddles should be fine.

If its a definite no from you both I don't think you should go to the party because you'll spend the whole time stressing and having uncomfortable conversations.

Well done OP. I think you've dealt with it well. Clearly you want to see your family and all the posts saying stay at home if you're so anxious were a little bit missing the point. Letting people know you're concerned is a good halfway house and it sounds from the layout you describe that there will be plenty of fresh air circulating to minimise issues.

If you are that concerned don’t go, otherwise you’re going to be in close proximity of everyone else who may well spread on germs regardless if they hold your baby or not.

If he was a newborn then absolutely, put him in a sling and people should understand. But at 5 months I think you can only protect him by not going. He's likely quite active and will want to interact with others.
I was worried like you until my baby went to nursery. Now it's constant infections and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm with you on this, my little man who is 1 has been on antibiotics three times and had sepsis when he was born. So he is definitely more susceptible to catching things. Personally if you can protect your child for as long as possible I would do it and also Wouldn't go. Just stay at home, relax feet up and not worry about others holding baby etc. Sending so much love and also would love to know what you did in the end xxx

Given this was about Christmas Eve I reckon she's good