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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting anyone to hold or kiss my baby during Christmas Eve's celebration?

148 replies

AnaCav · 06/12/2022 03:59

Hey everyone,

On the 24th, DH, DS (5 month old) and I are going to spend Christmas Eve with my extended family, as we do every Christmas (my Uncle and Aunt are hosting and they live close to us). We love Christmas, love spending Christmas Eve with all the family and are excited to go. However, given the current triple threat of flu, rsv (this one especially tough on babies) and covid, we are in agreement: DH and I want to be very clear on that day in saying to everyone that we will be the only ones holding the baby and no one will be kissing him etc. (with the exception of my Parents, who are always with him). The amount of people getting the flu or other respiratory virus is insane right now and it will be a relatively large family party (25/30 people).

I feel like a lot of people in my family will find this over-the-top, rude and that we're germaphobic freaks, but I really feel that it is the responsible thing to do. What would be the polite yet effective way of telling all my aunts and uncles and cousins and other little kids this without sounding rude or coming across as obnoxious? It feels so weird to say no when someone from my family says "aww can i hold him???" but I feel I need to set clear boundaries on that day. AIBU?

OP posts:
supersonicginandtonic · 06/12/2022 06:16

Your baby needs to develop some kind of immune system and if you shield him from everything he don't get that. You do realise the rise in all these viruses is because of the lockdowns the last couple of years. Children were catching germs and bugs and building resistance, so now their little bodies are catching everything.

carefulcalculator · 06/12/2022 06:21

I think you have to skip the party. I understand the worry but 'not kissing' seems a bit futile.

Covid and flu are airborne, assume RSV is too, if you want to avoid your child catching these viruses you need to avoid sealed rooms with lots of unmasked people breathing.

carefulcalculator · 06/12/2022 06:22

supersonicginandtonic · 06/12/2022 06:16

Your baby needs to develop some kind of immune system and if you shield him from everything he don't get that. You do realise the rise in all these viruses is because of the lockdowns the last couple of years. Children were catching germs and bugs and building resistance, so now their little bodies are catching everything.

I accept this could be the reason for increased Strep A deaths this year but this is not actually confirmed yet.

sleighedd · 06/12/2022 06:23

Just don't go

Endofmytetherfinally · 06/12/2022 06:24

Nobody will kiss him but plenty of people will offer to hold him to give you a break. Only way my SIL avoided this was to put hers in a sling for the entire BBQ (I'm in Aus) and everyone slagged her DH for not helping her behind his back. Felt so sorry for the poor guy..

HoppingPavlova · 06/12/2022 06:30

Stay at home would be my suggestion.
You will come across as OTT and be the brunt of many jokes now and into the future.
Your child isn't living in a bubble.

This. Nothing unreasonable about what you want, but is it really worth the constant angst once you are there, plus reasonable or not it does across as unhinged. Why not stay at home this year and look forward to the following year when you and DH will be relaxed about things!

Gingerangel · 06/12/2022 06:31

Don’t let anyone kiss your baby… Cold sores virus just take one exposure to it and then your baby has it for the rest of their life.

Also if you don’t want everyone holding your baby then that’s ok, your the mum and get to make that choice, if anyone’s got an issue with that then it’s tough shit

BeanieTeen · 06/12/2022 06:31

I think if you’re that worried it’s better no to go. Not holding him is hardly social distancing. You’re all in a house together sharing an enclosed space, if bugs are circulating chances are you’re going to catch them whether you touch or don’t.

PorridgewithQuark · 06/12/2022 06:35

BrightSaturn · 06/12/2022 04:49

I don’t think you have to let anyone kiss your baby if you don’t want to, I don’t think that’s ott. If you can prevent your babe from getting flu or covid why wouldn’t you?! It makes sense to me :)

I second the sling idea though if you’d rather keep hold of your LO. Hopefully he will sleep through most of it if he’s in a sling and then you have a perfect excuse. In my opinion babies aren’t toys to be passed around from person to person anyway!

This - and I have 3 kids who are teens now. Babies are people in their own right and too many adults think they have a "right" to a "turn" with them and to kiss and pass them around in a way that really is all about the adults and doesn't genuinely have the child's best interests at heart at all.

Where I live pediatric intensive care units are overwhelmed with under 2 year olds with RSV and we have count downs on the radio about how many pediatric intensive care beds remain available and which units are completely full and having to redirect children. Planned pediatric operations are mostly cancelled and children are (most worryingly) at risk of not getting an intensive car bed if they need them due to an RTA or other reason.

It's the worst RSA season in an extremely long time and worrying about that as the parent of a 5 month old is not in any way OTT.

carefulcalculator · 06/12/2022 06:36

I don't understand why people think the relatives would make the OP the brunt of jokes about this, only a twat would do that, presumably the relatives are normally nice people?

Sirzy · 06/12/2022 06:38

Rsv is a virus that nearly all children will get and for the vast majority they will have nothing more than a cold.

ds was a bronchi baby and got it very seriously (but much much younger than your child) so I fully get how scary it is but you can’t avoid everything.

time with family and being out socialising is important for babies, and that will mean sometimes they pick up bugs but unless you isolate from everyone that is just part of life. Sensible measures like good hygiene are of course important

enjoy your first Christmas as parents

PorridgewithQuark · 06/12/2022 06:41

Sirzy · 06/12/2022 06:38

Rsv is a virus that nearly all children will get and for the vast majority they will have nothing more than a cold.

ds was a bronchi baby and got it very seriously (but much much younger than your child) so I fully get how scary it is but you can’t avoid everything.

time with family and being out socialising is important for babies, and that will mean sometimes they pick up bugs but unless you isolate from everyone that is just part of life. Sensible measures like good hygiene are of course important

enjoy your first Christmas as parents

At the moment though it's a particularly good idea to try sensible precautions to delay a baby catching it until their immune system is a little more mature and hospitals a little less overwhelmed.

AWaferThinMint · 06/12/2022 06:41

I'd you prevent your child getting exposure to illness their body will never learn to fight these illnesses. Do you see yourself stopping this forever? What about the social part of being a member of a family.

If you go I could understand steering away from anyone actively coughing and spluttering, but otherwise I just don't get it.

I loved family events when all the random aunts and uncles shared the load and spread the love around!

PorridgewithQuark · 06/12/2022 06:45

AWaferThinMint · 06/12/2022 06:41

I'd you prevent your child getting exposure to illness their body will never learn to fight these illnesses. Do you see yourself stopping this forever? What about the social part of being a member of a family.

If you go I could understand steering away from anyone actively coughing and spluttering, but otherwise I just don't get it.

I loved family events when all the random aunts and uncles shared the load and spread the love around!

There's a balance and deliberately overwhelming the immature immune system of a 5 month old while hospitals are very busy during flu season and an unusually bad RSV season and with covid is rather like the measles parties people used to throw their preschool children in the 1970s to deliberately infect them... Not actually a great idea.

DiaDeLluvia · 06/12/2022 06:48

My second baby has been hospitalised TWICE with rsv. The first time was utterly terrifying. I used to be completely relaxed about germs etc but now I think being cautious is sensible. I would say you are absolutely in your rights to take sensible measures to try and prevent transmission as much as possible.

Firstly - not going to Christmas as some have suggested is a bit OTT. That’s essentially suggesting self isolating which isn’t a sensible measure.

Not allowing others to kiss or hold your baby is totally achievable and not OTT. Some PPs have suggested great ways of telling your family members without sounding completely PFB. Something like “I know I’m being an anxious first time mum but I’m a bit freaked out by the news so just so I don’t spend the next few days worrying I’d rather not pass him round. Sorreeeee!”

carefulcalculator · 06/12/2022 06:52

I agree RSV is no joke, and being hospitalised is best avoided.

WeWereInParis · 06/12/2022 06:52

I do understand why you'd want to, but it seems a bit pointless. 25/30 people all in one house sounds like everyone will be pretty close together - if anyone there has a cold/rsv/flu it seems likely that either you, your husband, or your baby will bring it home regardless of whether anyone holds the baby.

Nosleepforthismum · 06/12/2022 06:53

I understand I really do. My DS was premature and gets really poorly with any respiratory illnesses. We’ve just come out of a&e this weekend after developing croup for the third time in six months and he had pneumonia less than a month ago. However, it is important for them to be exposed to bugs and germs and to catch these illnesses to help build their immune system and some kids (like mine) are just more prone to getting them more seriously than others. I wouldn’t be worried him being passed around at a family party unless someone was obviously unwell there and most people I know understand not to kiss babies that aren’t theirs. Go and have a good time and try not to stress.

WonderousWalrus · 06/12/2022 07:02

Most people don't kiss other people's babies - that's a bit rank to be honest.

I think you may be over thinking the attention your baby will be given. People will be far more interested in older children who really "get" Christmas, and the food.

Younger babies don't tend to feature very much at Christmas celebrations as they aren't old enough to understand the magic.

jevoudrais · 06/12/2022 07:23

I don't think holding is the issue, I think it's being indoors with lots of people in a probably not very well ventilated area. I'd put him in a sling and say 'oh he's not feeling well/teething' etc to deflect others from making a beeline to take him if you're concerned.

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 06/12/2022 07:24

It's going to be a miserable party if you go. And if you're in the room with all those people your baby will be exposed anyway, as most viruses are airborne. You could certainly limit other people holding her "she's a bit tetchy tonight, I'd better keep her" etc, but I would not make the speech you propose. If there's 25 people at least one of them is likely to have something.

jevoudrais · 06/12/2022 07:25

Although to be honest, despite loving my own child and making the right noises I don't care for anyone else's babies. When you have one it's easy to think everyone wants to hold them and whatever but I don't, I will to please people who want to show off their baby but if they didn't offer/push me to I wouldn't. You might find people go oh hello x and pat his back and then move on. He isn't going to be the light of everyone else's life in the same way he is yours. Plus with some booze and food they'll be plenty other stuff for them to focus on.

Ragwort · 06/12/2022 07:28

Seriously just stay at home if you are that concerned ... 25/30 people is a large number ... unless they live in a mansion and you have tons of space to move around in.

Yankeedoodlemandy · 06/12/2022 07:29

I wouldn’t do that but then mine were in nursery at this age. Tbh though I have no desire to hold other peoples babies so it wouldn’t bother me if you said it!

MinnieGirl · 06/12/2022 07:31

I would not go. 25/30 people? The chance of not getting anything are very low! Those 25/30 people all have neighbours, other family members etc. You are exposing baby to a lot of virus carriers. And I think you will find it impossible to stop people touching or holding baby without a lot of upset. Stay at home this year.