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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at being left out

113 replies

Raeofsunshine1 · 06/12/2022 03:55

I have 2 young children- youngest baby is 8 weeks old now.

Just found out that several members of my family have booked to go for a lovely afternoon tea in the lead up to Christmas in a famous hotel in London, that I have never been to. I would have absolutely loved this but I have not been invited- AIBU to be really upset? I can't stop thinking about it and its made me feel really sad that I have been excluded. I have not been out with friends or family for close to 2 years and have a really tough time during pregnancy- where I came close to actually dying as a result of complications. I just feel it would have been nice to have been thought of and just so lovely to have had some time to do something special and have a break :(

OP posts:
Flowersinspringgrowwild · 06/12/2022 04:22

Why haven’t they invited you?

ZekeZeke · 06/12/2022 04:24

Are you breastfeeding?
They may not want a baby there.
Are you fully recovered?

Seabreeze18 · 06/12/2022 04:24

It’s ok to feel sad and left out but I expect a nice hotel would not allow a young baby? Would u have other childcare? Tell your family how u feel!

Original poster
Raeofsunshine1 · 06/12/2022 04:26

My dh would have had the baby… I don’t know why I haven’t been invited:(

OP posts:
Plmoknijbuhv · 06/12/2022 04:26

I would guess they assumed you would not be able to come as you have such a young baby and it does not sound like an appropriate event to bring the baby too?

FiveShelties · 06/12/2022 04:29

Ask one of your family, it could just be a mistake.

camdenn · 06/12/2022 04:30

Your youngest is 8 weeks…that’s the reason why. They probably assume you have your hands full at home are are still recovering/adjusting

camdenn · 06/12/2022 04:31

Raeofsunshine1 · 06/12/2022 04:26

My dh would have had the baby… I don’t know why I haven’t been invited:(

But do they know that though? Cause you said you haven’t been out in 2 years so it’s not like you regularly see them with DH looking after the kids

Cakeymamma88 · 06/12/2022 04:48

Just ask one of your family members.

IamThegreaterMole · 06/12/2022 04:50

Tell them DH can have the baby and the other DC and that you would like to come. Unless there’s a bigger problem they probably just thought it wasn’t suitable for babies and small children and thought you wouldn’t come without them. 🤞🤞

Winter2020 · 06/12/2022 04:53

Depends why they are going. If for example your sister took your mum as a birthday present or took your mum and dad as an anniversary present then I can't see why you would be invited.

If mum took sibling as a Xmas treat then I would expect you to be invited unless she has a different treat for you.

If each person is paying for themselves would they have reason to think you can't afford it?

I think if people, even in our family, think "we can't do x because we need to ask y, and ask z" it makes it hard to do anything. If there is something you would love to do then organise it!

FlamingJingleBells · 06/12/2022 05:10

They probably assumed that you wouldn't want to leave your baby so didn't ask. I don't think it was malicious, particularly as you're breastfeeding it's a simple assumption to make. Also, they might NT have wanted to expose you to the seasonal colds & illnesses around.

PandaOrLion · 06/12/2022 05:26

I’d just assume it was something they wanted to do together, I don’t get invited to everything and don’t invite others to everything I do.

Maybe say “Your trip to the hotel sounds lovely, shall we plan in to do something similar next year, I’d really like to spend some time with you”.

HowVeryBizarre · 06/12/2022 05:31

Are there other young children going? I would imagine that either they didn’t want the children there and thought you would be offended if they said so or they genuinely thought you wouldn’t want to go having such a small baby. I can totally get why you feel hurt at being excluded, can you ask one of the family members?

Robynxoxo · 06/12/2022 05:47

They probably didn't want a small baby there or they thought you would be exhausted and didn't want to bother you.

Twiglets1 · 06/12/2022 06:10

They probably asssumed you would say No anyway as you don’t get out much or would say Yes but bring the baby (even worse).
Maybe mention to whoever you arc closest to that you would have liked to come too. They may be able to add another one to the booking. But it doesn’t sound very feasible if you are breastfeeding or if your partner is going to create issues re looking after the baby while you’re away.

HoppingPavlova · 06/12/2022 06:13

@Raeofsunshine1 My dh would have had the baby… I don’t know why I haven’t been invited

I would think it’s a simple case of them not understanding that your DH would have had the baby for half a day. The assumption likely was that if you went, baby would be with you and to be fair that’s really not people are up for with any afternoon tea if this nature in such a venue.

I’m sure that if you made clear that baby would be at home with DH for the day (none of this DH will be outside standing on corner with baby to bring them in/call me out if needed business designed to guilt them into having a baby at the afternoon tea), they would be uber happy to have you there with them!

FrangipaniBlue · 06/12/2022 06:30

Could would stop making excuses for the OPs family being a bit shit?

"Assuming" the OP wouldn't be able to go due to having a very young baby does not make it ok to just leave her out!

They could have opened their mouths and ASKED!!!!!!

I would ask them OP.

But no, YANBU for being upset at having been left out.

FrangipaniBlue · 06/12/2022 06:31

FGS typos - *could PEOPLE stop !

Rainraindontgoaway · 06/12/2022 06:39

Raeofsunshine1 · 06/12/2022 04:26

My dh would have had the baby… I don’t know why I haven’t been invited:(

Can you not ask why you were not invited?

Mumsnut · 06/12/2022 06:56

They probably had to book it months and months ago, when your circumstances would have been far less clear

Seabreeze18 · 06/12/2022 07:01

Please just ask them and say it has upset you! Hopefully they will understand and if they can’t do anything this time maybe they will think more next time?
people are not mind readers and we al just need to communicate our feelings better.

ClaryFairchild · 06/12/2022 07:13

If it's the Ritz then it would have been booked months ago, when you were still very much pregnant.

Doingmybest12 · 06/12/2022 07:16

What sort of relationship do you have usually. There might be a rational explanation. Is is a present from one to the other or a general get together. Did they book ages ago and they weren't sure how you'd feel by now. I don't understand why you've not just had a chat about it. If it is a general get together as a treat with others with the same relationship then yes it is something I'd feel excluded from and sad about it.

Itsbeenashortyear · 06/12/2022 07:24

How far is it? If I went to london it would be an entire day. Whilst dp would have the children, I wouldn’t want to be leaving the baby at 5am and back in the evening.

you say dh would have the baby, what about the other child? Did you turn down a lot of activities when that child was a baby?

I find that most times when people are left out, there’s usually a reason for it. Usually not intended to be mean.

Speak to them