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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at being left out

113 replies

Raeofsunshine1 · 06/12/2022 03:55

I have 2 young children- youngest baby is 8 weeks old now.

Just found out that several members of my family have booked to go for a lovely afternoon tea in the lead up to Christmas in a famous hotel in London, that I have never been to. I would have absolutely loved this but I have not been invited- AIBU to be really upset? I can't stop thinking about it and its made me feel really sad that I have been excluded. I have not been out with friends or family for close to 2 years and have a really tough time during pregnancy- where I came close to actually dying as a result of complications. I just feel it would have been nice to have been thought of and just so lovely to have had some time to do something special and have a break :(

OP posts:

Sennelier1 · 07/12/2022 13:23

I think you should just ask why you're not invited. Maybe it's because of your newborn, or even about your older child. Do other family members bring their (young) children? They might have organised this for grown-ups only and thinking you wouldn't leave your child(ren) at home. How were they to know your DP was going to take care of the children?

Bpdqueen · 07/12/2022 13:27

99% of people's problems can be solved by speaking up. All you have to do is say if you want to go

Pr1mr0se · 07/12/2022 13:30

Maybe they think so soon after the birth you wouldn't want to be separated from your baby? Just ask them why and clear this up.

FestiveFruitloop · 07/12/2022 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Constructive...

FestiveFruitloop · 07/12/2022 13:45

OP I'd say they probably assumed you wouldn't be up for it so soon after having your youngest. I'd definitely let them know you'd like to go.

PrincessScarlett · 07/12/2022 13:46

Why haven't you been out with family for 2 years? This may have contributed to them not inviting you, particularly if you've been invited before and said no.

Also, after nearly dying and having such a young baby they may have presumed you are still unwell/recovering.

Also agree that it depends which family members are going. It doesn't sound from your post that the entire family but you are going as you say "several family members".

That doesn't mean you shouldn't feel upset though. I would just ask why you weren't invited.

FlorettaB · 07/12/2022 14:09

They probably booked this months ago - when you were very pregnant and unwell. If they’re usually thoughtless then this is another instance of that but if they’re usually good then I’d give them the benefit of the doubt.

Fink · 07/12/2022 14:14

Hmm, it's not nice to be deliberately left out, obviously, but it's hard to say whether that's what's going on here or not.

Firstly, you haven't been out with them in 2 years. Maybe they didn't see any reason why this time would be different. Maybe they are waiting for you to say you're ready to meet up with people again and don't want to pressure you after a difficult time. They might have thought it was insensitive to make the offer knowing that you always refuse, or just have got a bit fed up offering if you always say no. This could be a bit nasty on their part or it could be completely benign, it depends on the previous history you've had with them.

Secondly, you haven't said what the actual relationship is between you and the others who are going out. Maybe they're all quite closely related (e.g. a group of sisters) and you're a bit more distant. And they can't invite everyone in the whole extended family. Or maybe they get on with each other better - not to deliberately exclusde you, but e.g. I am closer friends with some of my cousins than others, I don't invite every cousin every time I meet up with some of them just because we all have the same level of family tie.

Anyway, there's a chance it was an oversight, or a misunderstanding because you have a young baby and they didn't realise you would be able to come. If the relationship is generally very good, then it might not hurt to ask them if you would be able to join them this time. But tread carefully with that, depending on the relationship, you don't want to put them in a corner of having to invite you. Otherwise, you could take the initative and organise something yourself, that way they will know that you're up and about again after your two year absence, and will be more likely to invite you to things in the future.

DrunkenBoat · 07/12/2022 14:18

Surely you've just answered your own question, OP you haven't been out with friends or family for two years, you had a complicated pregnancy that involved you almost dying, and you have two very young children, one a newborn. It's very likely that you not being invited is entirely unmalicious they're used to you not socialising with them, because it's years since you have, and now, after a near-death experience, a physically-difficult pregnancy AND with a tiny BF baby, they think it's even more unlikely that you would want to go. Sure, they could have asked, but when I was eight weeks after an emergency CS, I'd probably have been baffled or even irritated to be asked to go to a dress-up afternoon tea, because I could barely shuffle around the house, and couldn't even step over the edge of the bath to take a shower, far less feel like dressing up and going out. And I was living in London at the time.

Just ask if you can be added to the booking, and don't assume this is some kind of malicious act. It's perfectly possible it's not at all.

DrunkenBoat · 07/12/2022 14:19

Sorry, strike-out accidental!

Gh12345 · 07/12/2022 14:29

I really don’t think family/friends should make assumptions that you might not be able to come. They should have invited you

Cheesuswithallama · 07/12/2022 14:38

While people normally shouldn't be making assumptions after two years of not going out, that particular family member would probably not get invites in many, if not most, families....

Mariposista · 07/12/2022 14:47

wiggle69 · 07/12/2022 12:54

You've not been out with them for 2 years - can it be assumed that you've said no to things during this time and so they have simply given up asking you? More info needed.

Sadly, this. People do give up after so many nos or cancellations.

Coffeepot72 · 07/12/2022 14:56

I have a lovely friend who thinks we are pleased when she turns up everywhere with her baby ...... it makes quite a few of us think twice before inviting her out at the moment!

Wiluli · 07/12/2022 15:01

If you say you don’t go out regularly they assumed you couldn’t or would not go . I probably would do the same as I would assume the same based on the fact that I would not leave my 8 week old , not saying it’s wrong in any way , but trying to explain why they might have done it

Wetblanket78 · 07/12/2022 15:01

It is a bit sh**ty to leave you out. It's always nice to be asked and feel you have been taken into consideration. Even if you are not up to going.

Mariposista · 07/12/2022 15:11

Coffeepot72 · 07/12/2022 14:56

I have a lovely friend who thinks we are pleased when she turns up everywhere with her baby ...... it makes quite a few of us think twice before inviting her out at the moment!

Totally agree with you! I would be the same. Although in this case the OP says that she would (very sensibly) leave the children at home with their dad. Maybe they just assume she would insist on bringing it/them

Anotherproblem · 07/12/2022 15:13

That's awful of them sorry

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 07/12/2022 15:15

Look @Raeofsunshine1 - none of us know why. This is your family. Ask them! The likelihood is they thought you'd have too much on your hands to want to come - not saying this is right, you should have the right to decline so to speak - but let's be honest, we see a lot on here and other places where mums just want it to be their own 'little family' <barf> for so long, maybe they didn't even think to ask.

Call and ask whoever you're most comfortable asking if you can come.

GaggleOfSwans · 07/12/2022 15:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mistymountain · 07/12/2022 15:36

As they're family members can't you just ask to go with them?

FrangipaniBlue · 07/12/2022 15:38

beachcitygirl · 07/12/2022 12:22

@FrangipaniBlue I'm so bloody sorry. Mea culpa. I misread your post & took it completely wrong.
I am very very sorry. My bad. Completely. I'm dyslexic & get Furious when folk criticise spelling

Haha don't worry about it!!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/12/2022 15:46

I'm sorry That is hurtful
They should've invited you anyway out of courtesy, even if they thought you'd be busy with Newborn
I'd tell them how hurt you are, and ask why they haven't invited you.

Wexone · 07/12/2022 15:46

As others have said haven't you seen them in two years ? Why haven't they seen your family, your children - birthdays christening xmas ect are all times we go to see each other families? Unless you are not speaking to them but if that was the case i get why they didn't invite you
On another note - i have been told by afew family members when i have organized things, how can i possible go i have children or how dare you i have a baby don't you know, so they dont get invited by me anymore.

mam0918 · 07/12/2022 15:46

Depends what you mean by family?

Examples:

Your 1 sibling, their kid and your parents... YABU it could be their gift to them, they are allowed their own relationship and time without you.

Your aunt/uncle and cousins (their kids) and 2nd cousins (their grandkids)... YABU it would be wierd to expect to be invited to another branch of your families things

Your 2 siblings, parents, grandparent, aunt/uncle and cousins (basically most of the family but not you)... YANBU wierd to have a big family gathering without you.

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