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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at being left out

113 replies

Raeofsunshine1 · 06/12/2022 03:55

I have 2 young children- youngest baby is 8 weeks old now.

Just found out that several members of my family have booked to go for a lovely afternoon tea in the lead up to Christmas in a famous hotel in London, that I have never been to. I would have absolutely loved this but I have not been invited- AIBU to be really upset? I can't stop thinking about it and its made me feel really sad that I have been excluded. I have not been out with friends or family for close to 2 years and have a really tough time during pregnancy- where I came close to actually dying as a result of complications. I just feel it would have been nice to have been thought of and just so lovely to have had some time to do something special and have a break :(

OP posts:
maddy68 · 07/12/2022 12:40

Just say hey can I come too ?

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 07/12/2022 12:42

Oh @Raeofsunshine1 it’s probably just that they didn’t think you’d be able to come. Go on and ask if they can add you to the booking! Flowers

RudolphTheGreat · 07/12/2022 12:42

FrangipaniBlue · 06/12/2022 06:30

Could would stop making excuses for the OPs family being a bit shit?

"Assuming" the OP wouldn't be able to go due to having a very young baby does not make it ok to just leave her out!

They could have opened their mouths and ASKED!!!!!!

I would ask them OP.

But no, YANBU for being upset at having been left out.

This

gaf · 07/12/2022 12:43

Why haven’t you been out for two years?

Maybe that’s contributed to their thoughts about it.

TheWernethWife · 07/12/2022 12:43

Could we stop making excuses for the OPs family being a bit shit?

Exactly

Lickedthespoon · 07/12/2022 12:45

That's awful OP, I really feel for you.
Where do you live? We could have a Mumsnet Christmas do 😁

Plumnora · 07/12/2022 12:49

Everyone’s being very quick to defend the family here and while I agree there was probably no malice intended, did they not think that after a complicated pregnancy and a having to deal with a newborn as well as other young children the OP might be feeling a bit down and could do with cheering up? It’s always nice to feel that people are thing of you so even if you were unable to go, just receiving an invitation would probably have lifted her spirits and made her feel wanted. You are definitely not being unreasonable but I would definitely speak to them and let them know how hurt you feel. X

Andsoforth · 07/12/2022 12:50

Sympathy op. My family and friends did a lot of assuming when my babies were young too and it was very isolating and upsetting. I know it was done with the best of intentions but it’s horrible to feel excluded.

drkpl · 07/12/2022 12:50

This was the worst part of having a baby for me. Not even being asked. I was happy to leave baby at home with dp for a while. It didn’t happen to dp. Just me. I felt like I didn’t exist anymore. That I just existed to be ‘mother’ and that was it.

People need to stop treating new mothers like this. There’s no harm in asking and having them say no.

NoSquirrels · 07/12/2022 12:51

several members of my family

So other people aren’t invited too?

It is shit to feel left out. But I would say that whenever I’ve felt like this it’s never intentional on the part of the people not including - and I’m usually able to see that after initial hurt feeling.

You can either a) ask to be included ‘Oh, afternoon tea at X sounds brilliant, would there be room for me if DH looks after the DC?’ or b) accept it wasn’t meant with bad feeling (unless there’s a back story) and try not to be offended.

wiggle69 · 07/12/2022 12:54

You've not been out with them for 2 years - can it be assumed that you've said no to things during this time and so they have simply given up asking you? More info needed.

Cheesuswithallama · 07/12/2022 12:54

Is it just some family members or whole family? Because it sounds like the former and as much as it may sting, people don't have to invite everyone if it's just small group.

MKCH · 07/12/2022 12:55

Whilst I understand it's shit to feel left out, I don't understand why - if you're close enough to them to feel you should have been invited - you can't just say 'oi you buggers, where's my invite to the Ritz?! DH can have the kids, is there space for me?'
And see what they say....?!

JemimaTiggywinkles · 07/12/2022 12:58

Completely depends who is going. I'm from a big family and it can be impossible to plan to do anything because everyone has busy lives. Now we're older if I want to do something with DSis1 (for example) I ask her and do it. Or DSis2 and her DH will go out for dinner with Mum and Dad without asking anyone else.

Of course, if it is all of your siblings going and it is only you who wasn't invited then that is a completely different scenario and very hurtful. If you've said no to pretty much everything over the last couple of years, though, it might well be that they have stopped asking. In which case, just tell them that you've got through the difficult times and would like to start doing stuff with them again.

PinkStarAtNight · 07/12/2022 12:58

Which family members are going? Are you close to them/do you usually get invited to things with them?

If you haven't been invited, how do you know about it? Has one of them just casually told you? If so, and you usually are invited to things, could you not simply ask why you weren't this time?

WimbyAce · 07/12/2022 13:04

Can you not just say oh that sounds great, I would love to do that?

Yerroblemom1923 · 07/12/2022 13:04

They're probably thinking you're shattered with a new baby, up all night feeding etc etc might not feel comfortable feeding in public just yet. They probably haven't invited you out of concern for you rather than deliberately not wanting you there.
It's hard to see the bigger picture sometimes and automatically think the worst case scenario. Maybe speak to a family member about it and, if you can leave your baby for an hr or two, suggest you'd like to come.
You'd also think they'd like to meet the baby! In which case maybe just express or bring formula as a one off if you're not comfortable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/12/2022 13:05

Just ask 'them'.

Who organised it? Just call them and ask if you can go rather than splash it all over MN.

stopbeeping · 07/12/2022 13:05

I would be crushed by this
Text your mom and ask

Goodgrief82 · 07/12/2022 13:07

I have not been out with friends or family for close to 2 years

so you haven’t been out with them for 2 years? Presumably many events you haven’t been to! And equally, you have never invited them out!

1983Louise · 07/12/2022 13:07

I think they probably thought it was too soon to ask you along for a day out in London. You mentioned you'd had a tough time pregnancy wise and baby is only 8 weeks old. Why not look forward to doing a spa day, there are loads of offers on Groupon etc, in the New Year x

knittingaddict · 07/12/2022 13:08

It's really impossible to say without knowing who is going and who isn't and why. It does need more info from op, but they haven't been back.

DunkingMyDonuts · 07/12/2022 13:08

@Raeofsunshine1 you coming back anytime soon??

JenniferBarkley · 07/12/2022 13:10

Unless they have form for excluding you or being assholes, they're probably just trying to be nice and not put you under pressure to leave the baby.

Just speak to whoever you're closest to and explain that you'd love to have a few childfree hours. Usually it's bad form to invite yourself along to something but I think in this case it's fair enough. Flowers

ComfortablyDazed · 07/12/2022 13:14

How did you find out about it OP, and who’s going?

The fact you haven’t been out in two years probably has something to do with it. Is that the age of your eldest?

Has your DH ever actually looked after your eldest and enabled you to go out? It doesn’t sound like it’s something he often does.

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