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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locking the back door at night

180 replies

stickydoughnuts · 05/12/2022 23:36

How angry would you be if you were in bed with the baby and asked DH to go downstairs and lock up (reminding him windows are also open). He does this. You have to go down 30 mins later to get calpol and see the windows are unlocked, so check the back door. It’s unlocked.

is it just me that finds this outrageous? I was in a burglary as a child so not sure if I’m overreacting but it’s DH job to lock up nightly and now I’m concerned that I can’t even trust him to do it - I don’t want us to be murdered in our beds but also what did he even do downstairs whilst locking up?! Just stand there?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 06/12/2022 08:34

stickydoughnuts · 05/12/2022 23:36

How angry would you be if you were in bed with the baby and asked DH to go downstairs and lock up (reminding him windows are also open). He does this. You have to go down 30 mins later to get calpol and see the windows are unlocked, so check the back door. It’s unlocked.

is it just me that finds this outrageous? I was in a burglary as a child so not sure if I’m overreacting but it’s DH job to lock up nightly and now I’m concerned that I can’t even trust him to do it - I don’t want us to be murdered in our beds but also what did he even do downstairs whilst locking up?! Just stand there?

Yabu. I realised this morning that I'd left the back door open. People forget.

Original poster
stickydoughnuts · 06/12/2022 08:35

Can people read the thread about why i Am not doing it myself.

Can I ask why your upstairs ALL evening with a baby op?

he has colic and screams constantly/needs rocking and shushing and I have two other small children who are also bad sleepers who need me - not that this is the point. But this is MN where I’m either at fault for being the OP or my husband is gaslighting.

thanks for all the measured responses. It’s a door that you lift the handle upwards and is “somewhat” locked as someone said, but somewhat locked isn’t actually locked is it? I hadn’t heard of a smart door. we also have a burglar alarm that we will start using nightly and would have but DH doesn’t like switching it off in the morning. I think I need to be firmer.

we live in a fancy area and I lived in a fancy area when we had an armed robbery. That is why it’s targeted.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 06/12/2022 08:37

DenholmElliot11 · 05/12/2022 23:37

It's deliberate. It's a "fuck you, bitch" how dare you ask me to do something.

Seems an odd thing to assume rather than he just got distracted.

Original poster
stickydoughnuts · 06/12/2022 08:38

EnterFunnyNameHere · 06/12/2022 08:08

The trouble with this is you tend to get one person doing everything... X ruins all the clothes by washing them all together - I'll do it myself then. Kids allergies are flaring up because X can't be arsed to hoover properly - I'll do it myself then. We're all feeling shit because X will only cook oven pizza every night - I'll do it myself then.

I think if you're asking something extraordinary then yes, do it yourself. You want every item of clothing hand washed separately in the tears of an angel? Yes, do it yourself. You want the doors locked and unlocked in succession to spell out SAFE in morse code? Yes, do it yourself. But you just want the doors locked at night for legitimate safety reasons? You should be able to trust your DH to do this.

But first step here is figure out if this was a one off surely? If it isn't, then a proper conversation as to why he doesn't do it/keeps "forgetting" is needed!

Show quote history

This is my point really

maybe he could spend the evenings with the little children and I could spend them downstairs and lock up? Or I could just trust him as someone who lives here and wants his family to be safe to lock the doors and make sure the windows are closed

OP posts:
talkingmorenonsense · 06/12/2022 08:38

My DH forgets to lock up, he just does. So now when we go up to bed I go through a routine of us both locking up and checking everything. It’s how it has to be, I’m over it.

Brightstarowl · 06/12/2022 08:41

I would be furious as I was the other night when I found mine unlocked....I didn't show my fury but I did say to him with what I hoped was a stern expression "The back door was unlocked".

It's a major security risk!

fairydustt · 06/12/2022 08:42

Hooverphobe · 06/12/2022 08:24

I’m just back from a long weekend. Didn’t lock the door - what if my neighbours/friends wanted to get in for something?

caveat - I live somewhere naice.

Surely if you live somewhere 'naice' then you are more likely to get burgled?

AutumnIsMyFavouriteSeason · 06/12/2022 08:42

Some things are not worth the risk. I ask my DH to do it, but double check myself too. The odds of them being left unlocked are very low then. Also, we have an alarm for those rare occasions.

RedHelenB · 06/12/2022 08:43

stickydoughnuts · 06/12/2022 07:11

The thing is I’m in bed with a very clingy breastfed baby so in order to go and check it means, usually, disturbing the baby. That’s why it’s suboptimal.

but I see I will have to because it’s a concern and I can’t now trust that DH has done it

Show quote history

You're over reacting. Just remind him again tonight or do it yourself before going to bed yourself.

fairydustt · 06/12/2022 08:44

Some of the comments in this thread are funny as I wrong an aibu post ages ago about how I found it annoying having to double lock the front door (rather than single lock) and everyone piled in about how furious they would be with me if I didn't double lock it and how selfish I was 🤣 now people are saying they don't even bother locking their doors

Cheesuswithallama · 06/12/2022 08:44

fairydustt · 06/12/2022 08:16

@Cheesuswithallama my comment came after reading someone post 'it doesn't bother me, we do not lock out back door'

Yeah. That doesn't change my answer that living life thinking of what serial killers say wouldn't allow for anything

RedHelenB · 06/12/2022 08:46

fairydustt · 06/12/2022 07:58

I'm surprised at how blazé some people seem to be about locking their doors? Have you never heard of Richard chase? The serial killer who took locked doors as a sign he wasn't welcome but took unlocked doors as an invitation to come in!?

That's one person in a country of millions. The moat likely risk is an opportunistic burglary.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 06/12/2022 08:46

stickydoughnuts · 06/12/2022 08:38

This is my point really

maybe he could spend the evenings with the little children and I could spend them downstairs and lock up? Or I could just trust him as someone who lives here and wants his family to be safe to lock the doors and make sure the windows are closed

Show quote history

I think this is the way forward. If your DH really can't "remember" (assuming this wasn't a one off!) then I'd be suggesting that you swap to you checking and locking the doors and him doing something else useful. After all, if he's genuinely forgetting he shouldn't have an issue with that...!

Cheesuswithallama · 06/12/2022 08:47

stickydoughnuts · 06/12/2022 08:35

Can people read the thread about why i Am not doing it myself.

Can I ask why your upstairs ALL evening with a baby op?

he has colic and screams constantly/needs rocking and shushing and I have two other small children who are also bad sleepers who need me - not that this is the point. But this is MN where I’m either at fault for being the OP or my husband is gaslighting.

thanks for all the measured responses. It’s a door that you lift the handle upwards and is “somewhat” locked as someone said, but somewhat locked isn’t actually locked is it? I hadn’t heard of a smart door. we also have a burglar alarm that we will start using nightly and would have but DH doesn’t like switching it off in the morning. I think I need to be firmer.

we live in a fancy area and I lived in a fancy area when we had an armed robbery. That is why it’s targeted.

It is actually pretty enough because the handle shouldn't move from outside if you lift it.
They shouldn't be able to just open them.

mamabear715 · 06/12/2022 08:49

One wonders, in a light hearted way, whether life would be easier without men.. ;-)

BlibBlabBlob · 06/12/2022 08:49

I can't believe people are happy to leave doors unlocked at night or while they're out all day even in 'naice' or 'rural' areas. Just takes one chancer to try the door and you've lost your telly, your computer, your jewellery etc. With probably no insurance cover because you couldn't be bothered to lock the door, or didn't think it was necessary. Yes a determined armed robber won't be deterred by a locked door, but your average burglar is always going to pick the house with the unlocked door!

I am very lucky to have never been burgled/robbed but I had enough of a scare in my 20s just from somebody trying the door. I was alone in my second floor flat, the main building door was locked and obviously you're supposed to only get through that if you have a key or someone buzzes you in. So I was surprised when someone knocked on my door. I shouted 'who is it?' (no peephole to look through) and got no response, so decided it wasn't safe to open the door. Whoever was there then proceeded to try the door handle, and then opened the letterbox to look through (I was hiding in the bathroom just by the door, I could see the flap opening but they couldn't see me). I didn't dare open the door for hours after that, until my boyfriend came home. I often thank my lucky stars that I'd locked the door, so whoever it was went away (presumably not wanting to attract attention by smashing a door down) rather than just walking straight in.

I'd had no bad experiences before that, I just felt safer with the door locked because I was on my own. We're always careful about locking doors in this house, we even do it when we have visitors, it's just automatic to keep the key in the door and lock it every time. We live in the kind of area where burglaries are fairly rare - not a fancy area, not a really deprived one either - but I still always try to reduce the chance of it being our house that a burglar picks. (Locking doors, even when home, and making the house look habited via lighting when we're out at night.)

Blowthemandown · 06/12/2022 08:50

@stickydoughnuts just take over that job. If there was a burglary and no signs of a break in there might be problems with a claim. Our insurance actually makes a specific point about using window locks if fitted!

EnterFunnyNameHere · 06/12/2022 08:51

Hooverphobe · 06/12/2022 08:24

I’m just back from a long weekend. Didn’t lock the door - what if my neighbours/friends wanted to get in for something?

caveat - I live somewhere naice.

Out of interest, and I genuinely don't mean this in a goady way, if you lived with someone who felt really unsafe and unsettled in an unlocked house, would you still leave everything unlocked?

Because I don't think the issue is a difference of opinion on whether we should lock our doors - it's more not caring that something they are doing is really upsetting their partner/spouse.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 06/12/2022 08:51

Just lock doors and windows as soon as you close them. Never leave them unlocked, it is more secure and then no one has to get up to lock up.

Burglars don't wait until you have gone to bed. We were burgled at 6.30pm, they walked in a closed but unlocked door while I was watching TV in the next room and grabbed as much stuff as they could. That included car keys and door keys so that they could come back another time.

Just lock yourselves in. It takes no time at all to turn the key when you are closing the door.

Cheesuswithallama · 06/12/2022 08:51

Yeah the door are locked. Windows also don't 100% need the key if they are closed properly.

So everything was closed and secured essentially just didn't turn the key for extra

freckles20 · 06/12/2022 08:58

fairydustt · 06/12/2022 07:58

I'm surprised at how blazé some people seem to be about locking their doors? Have you never heard of Richard chase? The serial killer who took locked doors as a sign he wasn't welcome but took unlocked doors as an invitation to come in!?

This is ridiculous! You can't live life thinking like this- an unlocked house door quite simply is not an invitation to murder the occupants. That man was unhinged and it is not possible to mitigate against all unhinged insane people. You'll make yourself fearful and anxious.

DNBU · 06/12/2022 09:01

Live in London and have had multiple attempted break-ins through half open windows (whilst I was in the house), I check and double check every night.

Original poster
stickydoughnuts · 06/12/2022 09:02

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 06/12/2022 08:51

Just lock doors and windows as soon as you close them. Never leave them unlocked, it is more secure and then no one has to get up to lock up.

Burglars don't wait until you have gone to bed. We were burgled at 6.30pm, they walked in a closed but unlocked door while I was watching TV in the next room and grabbed as much stuff as they could. That included car keys and door keys so that they could come back another time.

Just lock yourselves in. It takes no time at all to turn the key when you are closing the door.

cancel the cheque

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydoughnuts · 06/12/2022 09:03

mamabear715 · 06/12/2022 08:49

One wonders, in a light hearted way, whether life would be easier without men.. ;-)

I can see it now, me, warm and toasty downstairs eating snacks and safe in the knowledge that I won’t be murdered. Mmmm

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydoughnuts · 06/12/2022 09:04

DNBU · 06/12/2022 09:01

Live in London and have had multiple attempted break-ins through half open windows (whilst I was in the house), I check and double check every night.

ive also had this when in London (different to the armed robbery) - someone just sliding open a window and trying to climb in. I was staying at my brother’s so on the sofa and sat bolt upright in my sleep so they ran off.

i am very surprised at people who think this could never happen to them/are happy to risk it as it’s unlikely!

OP posts: