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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to share my children over Christmas?

105 replies

SweetBlues · 05/12/2022 22:22

i have been separated for 3 1/2 years following an affair that ex husband had. We do not have a formal custody agreement and have Been mostly amicable with sharing time with the kids. We both get about 50% of the time with the kids each and for the most part this works. The week to week schedule we follow was actually drawn up by the kids). It doesn’t take into account birthdays or holidays. The days just fall as they fall if that makes sense?

For the last three Christmases, the kids have spent most of Xmas eve with ex and family as it is ex-MILs birthday. They tend to come back really late (past bed time). I then have them until about 11am on Christmas Day and then they then go to Ex & Family until the 28th
for Xmas lunch/day and to spend time with their dad. I’ve never been happy with this arrangement. I’ve just mainly bit my tongue and kept the peace but it doesn’t feel fair that I only really get Christmas morning. I want to spend more time and have something fun to do at Christmas too.

Well luckily for me, Christmas just so happens to fall on my weekend this year. So after checking that the kids were happy to stay with me, I have told both ex and ex-mil that I will have the kids from the 24 to the 27th (as technically it falls on my weekend anyway…). They both seemed ok with this but have both now changed their tune.

Ex messaged earlier this week to ask to take them
For a couple of hours Xmas day… and now ex_mil has asked to have them Xmas eve… both of which would interrupt plans I have made and which I don’t intend to change or cancel.

To Ex -MIL I’ve sent a very kind ‘sorry we have plans but the kids will be with Ex from the 27th’.

To ex, I have sent back a short and sweet ‘No’.

But what is it with these people? They’ve had it their way three years running. Why can’t they just let me be for one bloody year!

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 05/12/2022 22:24

They’ve had it their way three years running. Why can’t they just let me be for one bloody year!

Because the more you give people, the more they want. Stand your ground.

MichaelFabricantWig · 05/12/2022 22:26

YANBU

i don’t know who’d have voted YABU except your ex and his mother

PauliesWalnuts · 05/12/2022 22:27

Genuine question - what do your kids want to do? Surely that should be taken into account? Or are they too young to make that sort of decision?

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/12/2022 22:28

But you didn't not see them at all on xmas the last 3 years, you just didn't see them as much as you wanted.

Their father won't see them as much as he wants to this year, but a few hours is not too much to ask.

As the child of divorcees, yabu and putting your dc in a horrible position.

toastofthetown · 05/12/2022 22:32

You’re not being unreasonable to not want to share your children at Christmas, but neither is their father who spends equal time with them. But sadly that’s the reality when parents are separated. Only having Christmas morning doesn’t seem fair, but not seeing them at all doesn’t seem fair to him either. I can see why he’d want to see them. As long as you’re happy for him to have Christmas next year (including Christmas Eve and Boxing Day) then that’s fine. Not sure why your ex-MIL is contacting you about it though.

anerki101 · 05/12/2022 22:35

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/12/2022 22:28

But you didn't not see them at all on xmas the last 3 years, you just didn't see them as much as you wanted.

Their father won't see them as much as he wants to this year, but a few hours is not too much to ask.

As the child of divorcees, yabu and putting your dc in a horrible position.

I agree with this. You still saw them for a few hours Christmas day. So I'd at least allow your ex a couple of hours on the day itself. You have them 24th to 27th but let ex pick them up for a few hours on the 25th and then drop them back to you. Whatever hours work best around your plans.

vipersnest1 · 05/12/2022 22:37

Stick to your guns, @SweetBlues. I've been where you are.
You deserve an undisturbed Christmas with your children too. Don't let them intrude.
You've been more than accommodating, but it's time to stand your ground.

Greenqueen40 · 05/12/2022 22:38

I think you are being a bit unfair, you could let him see them for a couple of hours on Christmas day.

BelleMarionette · 05/12/2022 22:41

You saw your children on Christmas day for the last few years, though not for as long as you liked. Surely it's equitable and fair to allow ex to see them on Christmas day too? It's also worth being flexible to maintain a good co-parenting relationship.

Abouttimemum · 05/12/2022 22:43

Will he see them on xmas eve? When will be the last time he saw them before 27th?

UsingChangeofName · 05/12/2022 22:43

anerki101 · 05/12/2022 22:35

I agree with this. You still saw them for a few hours Christmas day. So I'd at least allow your ex a couple of hours on the day itself. You have them 24th to 27th but let ex pick them up for a few hours on the 25th and then drop them back to you. Whatever hours work best around your plans.

Show quote history

This.

Your arrangement for the last 3 years doesn't seem particularly even, but you did see them on each Christmas day. You need to allow your dh the same privilege.

NoDairyNoProblem · 05/12/2022 22:46

I would let him see the DC for a few hours on Christmas morning/lunchtime as if it falls in his year next toy would be gutted to have no time with them.

Mamma80 · 05/12/2022 22:48

You didnt not see your children as stated by a few people. You did have a few hours on Xmas morning.
I take it you fully appreciate that the next time its his turn you wont be seeing them at all? Because guaranteed thats what he will do if you set this president. Be careful you dont cut your nose off to spite your face.
Mil is not a consideration

Georgeskitchen · 05/12/2022 22:55

The fairest way is alternate Christmases, starting this year, and it's your turn. Tell them all to suck it up. No arguments

PMAmostofthetime · 05/12/2022 22:55

SweetBlues · 05/12/2022 22:22

i have been separated for 3 1/2 years following an affair that ex husband had. We do not have a formal custody agreement and have Been mostly amicable with sharing time with the kids. We both get about 50% of the time with the kids each and for the most part this works. The week to week schedule we follow was actually drawn up by the kids). It doesn’t take into account birthdays or holidays. The days just fall as they fall if that makes sense?

For the last three Christmases, the kids have spent most of Xmas eve with ex and family as it is ex-MILs birthday. They tend to come back really late (past bed time). I then have them until about 11am on Christmas Day and then they then go to Ex & Family until the 28th
for Xmas lunch/day and to spend time with their dad. I’ve never been happy with this arrangement. I’ve just mainly bit my tongue and kept the peace but it doesn’t feel fair that I only really get Christmas morning. I want to spend more time and have something fun to do at Christmas too.

Well luckily for me, Christmas just so happens to fall on my weekend this year. So after checking that the kids were happy to stay with me, I have told both ex and ex-mil that I will have the kids from the 24 to the 27th (as technically it falls on my weekend anyway…). They both seemed ok with this but have both now changed their tune.

Ex messaged earlier this week to ask to take them
For a couple of hours Xmas day… and now ex_mil has asked to have them Xmas eve… both of which would interrupt plans I have made and which I don’t intend to change or cancel.

To Ex -MIL I’ve sent a very kind ‘sorry we have plans but the kids will be with Ex from the 27th’.

To ex, I have sent back a short and sweet ‘No’.

But what is it with these people? They’ve had it their way three years running. Why can’t they just let me be for one bloody year!

I think as you have seen them on Christmas Day every year it would be unreasonable if you to not allow them to go to their Dad's at some point Christmas Day even if it's after dinner for a few hours or even 5ish for the evening and night. The other option is you keep them this year but next year you don't see them at all.

Christmas Eve it's fair you get them the majority as they have had them for years.
Maybe they can have them the 23rd to celebrate with Nan.

Sling · 05/12/2022 22:55

Whatever precedent you set will follow in future years. So if you say no to a few hours on Christmas Day - unless for good reason - expect the same when it's 'his' weekend. They could argue they spared you a few hours even when it was their weekend in previous years.

So ... "sorry, we are travelling 6 hours away to spend Christmas with my family, so a few hours on the 25th is logistical impossible" ...is kind of reasonable. But a blanket "No" although you're at home and kids would have 2/3 hours hanging around while you cook dinner, a little less reasonable.

As I say I completely get wanting to relax and have this time uninterrupted and so saying No, but be prepared to not see them the following year.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/12/2022 22:58

YANBU

i think the simplest arrangements are the best.

So after a few years with more complicated arrangements, we now split most holidays straight down the middle. Not loads of back and forth (unless some particular reason). This means one person fully gets Christmas one year and the other NY, and then the other way around.

Works for the GPs too.

We do half terms on a one on, one off basis, so we take turns to have two in the year.

I do all of this and then send him the plan, which he never replies to, so then has to agree, but it’s always completely fair because I’m a fair person (and then he can’t pick holes in it).

Whaleandsnail6 · 05/12/2022 22:59

Initially I thought yanbu until other posters pointed out that you did get to see the kids Christmas day in the years he has had them. Could that not be accommodated for dad on Christmas day?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/12/2022 22:59

I personally think splitting Xmas day up is awful for the kids themselves, who are the main people in this. We’ve never done that.

TheTartfulLodger · 05/12/2022 23:01

Unfortunately unless you used your own sperm to create them, sharing them when you might not want to is an inevitability.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 05/12/2022 23:03

I don't think YABU but I do think it will bite you on the bum next year so depends if you can cope with that. Appreciate its not easy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2022 23:04

Start alternating. You have them this year, he has them for all 3 days next year etc. His mum’s birthday doesn’t trump you getting a proper Christmas with them.

HowVeryBizarre · 05/12/2022 23:04

It is unreasonable to expect children not to see both parents at Christmas, it’s not about the adults. I am a mediator and absolutely loathe the Christmas tussle, it seems to bring out everyone’s inner asshole.

Pallisers · 05/12/2022 23:13

I think you got the short end of the stick for the past 3 years but if you insist on the entire christmas period this year, how will you feel if your ex does the same next year.

Wouldn't it be better to sit down and try to organise a system that works every second year for both of you.

It might be that because of MIL birthday, christmas eve is the most important thing to your ex. So you agree that he gets xmas eve and you get xmas day (maybe swap off who gets xmas eve night every second year).

The thing is you can dictate it this year but what about next? Will you be happy being without your children for any part of xmas?

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 05/12/2022 23:14

Your ex-MIL having her birthday on Christmas Eve should be irrelevant in my opinion. You're their mother and should get to spend every other Xmas Eve with them. Definitely your turn this year.