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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell people you’re trying to get pregnant?

120 replies

Papergang · 05/12/2022 19:14

Is it odd to tell everyone that you’re trying for a baby?

BIL and SIL told the parents and the rest of the family about 9 months ago that they are trying for a baby. I had never come across a couple telling people this before and thought it was a bit odd but of course we were thrilled and excited for them. But it has put everyone on edge just wanting and waiting for it to happen and I think it must be a lot of pressure for them to be under.

Every time we see them it’s like is this it? Watching if she’s drinking etc. MIL is beside herself excited and waiting getting worried that it’s not happening or speculating when they are going to announce.

So I wanted to ask is it normal to tell people you’re trying for a baby? (YABU)

Or no you wouldn’t tell people (YANBU)

OP posts:
Scottishgirl85 · 05/12/2022 19:17

This is not normal! We told family we were doing IVF as we were flying abroad and undergoing my first general anesthetic so felt like we should be honest in case anything went wrong. But the 2 years of infertility before that - not a peep.

venusandmars · 05/12/2022 19:19

No. It's sex. It's a private act between 2 consenting people. I don't want to know.

WhatLikeItsHard · 05/12/2022 19:20

Normal in my circle of friends. My sister in law also told us. Also open about miscarriages.

FlissyPaps · 05/12/2022 19:20

Every couple is different.

Some will be open and laid back about it. Others may choose to be more private about it, especially if they are facing fertility issues/struggles.

I wouldn’t say it’s odd.

FlissyPaps · 05/12/2022 19:21

venusandmars · 05/12/2022 19:19

No. It's sex. It's a private act between 2 consenting people. I don't want to know.

😂
Oh the horror.

mynameiscalypso · 05/12/2022 19:23

My SIL (married to my brother) told my mum when they started TTC. My mum told me. It's a bit weird. I can't imagine telling my MIL.

HandsomeDaughter · 05/12/2022 19:23

I think it's unnecessary to announce you're having unprotected sex.
Going through fertility treatment is different.

ancientgran · 05/12/2022 19:24

I don't think there is a right or wrong. If they want to share that's ok, if they are more private that's ok too. Not odd either way.

I did find it odd when I was 17 and a neighbour I didn't know said, "Tonight's the night." I obviously looked puzzled so she said, "We are trying to get pregnant and I've ovulated so I phoned him at work to warn him that tonights the night."

I think I was a bit unworldly and wasn't sure what to say to that.

Beansontoast45 · 05/12/2022 19:25

It’s a bit weird. I mean I would hate the thought of people thinking we were at it all the time🙈

WhatLikeItsHard · 05/12/2022 19:28

...My friends are definitely oversharers going by these replies. One of them went into excruciating detail about how her DD was conceived 🤣

Doowop1919 · 05/12/2022 19:30

Each to their own. I think it's fine to tell people, and I think it's fine to keep it private.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/12/2022 19:33

I think it's pretty poor taste. Also it's a bit like telling people you're going for an interview - setting yourself up for having to say it didn't happen. Much better to keep quiet until you can announce you're pg.

BaileySharp · 05/12/2022 19:33

I told closest friends. I didn't tell family feels too much like telling them we're having lots of sex which is a bit awkward!

WhatLikeItsHard · 05/12/2022 19:35

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/12/2022 19:33

I think it's pretty poor taste. Also it's a bit like telling people you're going for an interview - setting yourself up for having to say it didn't happen. Much better to keep quiet until you can announce you're pg.

But what if you struggle with infertility? Miscarriages? I think it would be lonely not to tell anyone.

DuplicateUserName · 05/12/2022 19:35

Meh, everyone's different 🤷‍♀️

Also, other people's reactions/anticipation etc isn't their problem.

DuplicateUserName · 05/12/2022 19:36

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/12/2022 19:33

I think it's pretty poor taste. Also it's a bit like telling people you're going for an interview - setting yourself up for having to say it didn't happen. Much better to keep quiet until you can announce you're pg.

Much better for you but again, everyone's different.

Not everyone feels under pressure just because they've told someone they're going for it.

Fleabigg · 05/12/2022 19:36

I didn’t even tell people for about 5 months when we were pregnant so the idea of telling people we were trying would have been awful to me. But other people have different thresholds about how much of their lives they want to share so I guess you just have to go with it.

Boomboom22 · 05/12/2022 19:37

Your reaction is a bit unhealthy. This is why miscarriages are silenced, the reason for not telling people you are ttc is in case you don't or you lose a baby, so basically saying you have to keep these things a secret and not put any stress on anyone else.
Personally I would find it very odd for a daughter not to tell her mum that are trying! And close friends, quite a usual topic in the right ages.

WineCap · 05/12/2022 19:38

I wouldn't come out and say it to family, but they have asked me what rough age gap I would like when my first DC was a newborn and therefore could work it out if they wanted.

I'm about to start trying for a second and I've told a close mum friend as she told me when she was TTC. It's quite nice to have someone to chat to about it. I told no one anything before TTC my first though. I think most people would start looking for pregnancy signs a year or two after you had your first anyway tbh.

ChessieDarling · 05/12/2022 19:38

Mm I am on the fence. I didn’t tell anyone initially because who needs to know about my husband and I going at it really but it took us nearly two years to get pregnant and after probably a year or so, we started talking to our friends and family about it. It was a very hard time for us and sometimes we just needed to talk it out. Also it put a lid on the comments and watching for drinking etc.

Boomboom22 · 05/12/2022 19:38

Are you also advocating people saying they wanted to be childless if it doesn't happen for them? Not being supportive through ivf? Where is the line? Do you wait until 12 weeks to tell your own and partners parents? What if you need support?

jessieminto · 05/12/2022 19:41

We told family when we started our 2nd and final round of IVF. First round had failed. We told them as it was Christmas and I did not want to go through all the questions about when are you having a baby. It was all so raw and we were trying to prepare for the worst. 2nd round was successful and we had DS after 5yrs ttc.

My colleague at work announced he and his wife had started trying that month. I was 3yrs in to ttc by this point and was so shocked. A month later he came in saying not this time. The following month she was pregnant. I went home and cried way more than I should have. I'd always hated the arrogant tosser and it all felt so unfair.

XenoBitch · 05/12/2022 19:42

I would see it as oversharing TBH. Basically, you are having lots of sex.
I used to work with a guy who nipped home every lunch break when his wife was ovulating. Made no secret of it. We didn't need to know!

FlissyPaps · 05/12/2022 19:45

Boomboom22 · 05/12/2022 19:37

Your reaction is a bit unhealthy. This is why miscarriages are silenced, the reason for not telling people you are ttc is in case you don't or you lose a baby, so basically saying you have to keep these things a secret and not put any stress on anyone else.
Personally I would find it very odd for a daughter not to tell her mum that are trying! And close friends, quite a usual topic in the right ages.

Exactly this!

Miscarriages, baby loss and fertility issues are seen as such taboo subjects because other people feel uncomfortable at the thought of others having unprotected sex or that sex should be “private”.

If any of my friends or family members told me they were TTC I would be so happy and excited for them, as well as being able to offer my support if they ever needed to talk about it or had any worries.

Tomorrowsgirl · 05/12/2022 19:49

I was open about trying to conceive a second child then a year passed and it was stifling having friends asking all the time how it’s going??? So I said we decided to stop trying just to stop the questions. We went through IVF twice with only my parents and DH’s knowing and that was mainly for childcare help. It was a massive relief and took so much pressure off. I truly regret being so open at the beginning. So yes, YANBU.