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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell people you’re trying to get pregnant?

120 replies

Papergang · 05/12/2022 19:14

Is it odd to tell everyone that you’re trying for a baby?

BIL and SIL told the parents and the rest of the family about 9 months ago that they are trying for a baby. I had never come across a couple telling people this before and thought it was a bit odd but of course we were thrilled and excited for them. But it has put everyone on edge just wanting and waiting for it to happen and I think it must be a lot of pressure for them to be under.

Every time we see them it’s like is this it? Watching if she’s drinking etc. MIL is beside herself excited and waiting getting worried that it’s not happening or speculating when they are going to announce.

So I wanted to ask is it normal to tell people you’re trying for a baby? (YABU)

Or no you wouldn’t tell people (YANBU)

OP posts:
TheTeddyBears · 05/12/2022 22:25

That's just putting pressure on especially if you don't get pregnant quickly. I would cringe if someone told me that unless it was a very close family/friend and maybe more so if they were confiding in me, you know that maybe they had been trying a while and hadn't got pregnant type of thing.

I had mentioned that we would like to start a family once we were married I made no secret of that. That was about it. After 6/7 months I would mention to my mum why is it taking so long but that was about it.

Told no one when we were trying for number 2. I don't really see as anyone's business.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/12/2022 23:35

It was mentioned to our parents in passing as part of a larger conversation about our future plans as "We're hoping we'll have one on the way soon" but that was the end of any discussion. My BFF was told we were trying but I didn't tell anyone else. I just don't see the need to make a big 'thing' of it.

Infertility journeys to conception are different and more support from family and friends may be wanted or needed.

lili2308 · 05/12/2022 23:39

My cousin told family and close friends when they were trying. We decided not to tell anyone but that's why I'm now on mn lol - feels a bit lonely, so I get why people do it.

lili2308 · 05/12/2022 23:40

Also I don't think it's weird. And no one in the family thought it was weird when my cousin shared

Readaboutyourself · 05/12/2022 23:41

It’s normal in my group of friends & family but they wouldn’t be the type to keep asking or inspecting my drink. When I fall pregnant I’ll tell them when we find out. I’d like the support early on.

1994girl · 05/12/2022 23:49

No one cares

HeyMona · 06/12/2022 00:07

I wouldn't tell people but if others want to that's up to them. After 5 rounds of IVF though it is gutting when someone announces they're TTC then a few months later is waving an ultrasound picture in your face.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 01:27

1994girl · 05/12/2022 23:49

No one cares

Well you might not care but others do. I care about what's important to those I love.

Phrenologistsfinger · 06/12/2022 01:48

I talk about ttc, I talk about my 12 miscarriages and my 4 rounds of IVF! I think once you’re in this territory you need to or you go mad. Plus work need to know why you are out so much or why you need time off to miscarry (it’s painful and physically and mentally gruelling)! Also need to explain why can’t I see my pregnant friends or watch cute baby videos (I will be weeping if I had to).

If it took me a mere two months and a coy little announcement, it might have been more private!

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 06/12/2022 01:54

It’s strange and only serves to invite awkward “any luck yet?” Comments.

When I first met now DH’s (weird) family, I went round for Boxing Day and his sister and BIL made a similar announcement. Everyone clapped and hugged them and we all raised a glass and I was standing thinking “Sorry are they pregnant? Or trying? I’m confused! Why is everyone hugging them?” - I had to ask DH later to clarify 😂 whereas in my (much less weird but v blunt) family if anyone did that it would be a chorus of “The fuck you telling us for? I don’t need to know my sister is upping her shagging thank you very much. Just tell us when it happens and stop being a bell end”

DH’s sister and her OH split about a year later BTW and the baby never happened

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 06/12/2022 02:34

It's crass. No one needs to know and few would want to.

AllforGloria · 06/12/2022 10:00

Told no one when we were trying for number 2. I don't really see as anyone's business.

When we were buying our house (only dd was 2 at the time), we were chatting in mil’s car about the spare room. Mil seized the opportunity and asked if we had any plans for a second dc.
We hadn’t really talked about it (I struggled with pnd which mil doesn’t know) but on the spot said something like Ah yeh, maybe, we’ll see what happens.
After that every time I see her (it was a year ago) she asks if I have any news. She has told me I better not leave it much longer at my age a number of times.
And worst of all, we were out shopping one time and she brought me into a baby boutique to “look around” then asked me if we needed anything. I’m a bit slow for this kind of thing but I was confused and said dd is too old for all of this stuff now. Mil looked really disappointed. Only then I realised what she was getting at.
Mil is a nice person and very supportive but looking around at the baby stuff was heartbreaking knowing we may not be able to have a second (for various reasons). She wasn’t to know this but it made me want to tear out my tongue for even vaguely mentioning there may be a second. I’m so glad we said nothing when we were trying before.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 06/12/2022 10:06

WhatLikeItsHard · 05/12/2022 19:35

But what if you struggle with infertility? Miscarriages? I think it would be lonely not to tell anyone.

Show quote history

So pick one or two people to confide in, trusted friends. Not announce it to the world so it becomes like a soap opera. The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine, based on bitter experience of telling people things in advance and then having to explain why they didn't come off, rather than keeping quiet until it actually happens. But yes, we're all different and people should use their own judgement to suit their circumstances.

xogossipgirlxo · 06/12/2022 10:13

I only told one person that I trust.

xogossipgirlxo · 06/12/2022 10:14

Also, I think many people don't tell, because they don't want any questions if it's taking longer than they imagined, but conception threads here are very popular, so obviously people want to talk about it.

TokyoSushi · 06/12/2022 10:17

I told a few friends, but not my parents! I did tell them as soon as I found out though.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 06/12/2022 10:20

My brother and ex sil did this, my sil was an attention seeker who loved all eyes on her. She rang my parents up (I was only a teen at the time) with the exciting news... they were trying for a baby, i mean what do you reply?? Great, go you! A lot of mental health issues later and pregnancies which we never believed were real they never did have a baby and divorced in the end. So when we had our children I didn't tell my parents until 12+ weeks, I know how they had had their hopes built up and then dashed repeatedly with my brother announcing trying and repeated pregnancies. (My ex sil was a fantacist, I'm not being mean).

I wouldn't want people to know i was trying for a baby besides. We were very lucky we conceived immediately, but I did have a miscarriage at 9 weeks, I'm so glad I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant so no one knew we were trying for a baby again immediately.

Butchyrestingface · 06/12/2022 12:27

Meh, wouldn't give it a second thought.

Presumably you didn't think they had a sexless marriage before they made this revelation?

minimarshmallowsmore · 06/12/2022 13:04

We mentioned it to everyone we're close to really. Not right at the beginning as an announcement that we've started trying or anything but just in the natural course of conversation. I mean it's a big part of our lives and not just because of the sex really, a larger part of the month is waiting and being stressed and I can't imagine mentioning that to nobody.

H007 · 07/12/2022 13:53

I wouldn’t, but I don’t think it’s weird for other people too.

Justacouplemorethen · 07/12/2022 14:13

I think it depends on who you are telling and what stage you are at. Telling lots of people you aren’t close to that you are ttc is odd I think, unless there is a history of difficulties.
When you are just starting ttc and you think/ hope it will all be plain sailing it’s exciting and I guess some people might want to share that. I kept quiet ttc with my first as I was cautious, and told only close friends early and family a bit later.
When trying to have a second child we had several miscarriages which was heartbreaking. The ttc bit was straightforward for me, it was getting them to stick that was the hard bit. I kept the various pregnancies largely to myself (telling my mum, sister and a couple of close friends as we needed their help and support during the miscarriages and recovery) until I finally could announce to others I was successfully pregnant with my second at about 20weeks.
I would not have been able to cope with the questions, false sympathies, silly comments if I had told more people and I wasn’t ready to talk about it. But Having questions about when I would have another, or having to cope with others around me talking about their pregnancies was so painful. Even now, seeing pregnant people brings a strong emotion and I’m tearful writing this. I have had some grief counselling to learnt to cope with the feelings that are still left over.

Ellie1015 · 07/12/2022 14:28

I wouldnt tell everyone but I might tell my best friend, my mum or my sister. I can see how close family might end up knowing.

dolorsit · 07/12/2022 14:41

I don't think it's odd to mention to close friends or family that you are going to start trying for a family.

Especially as these day it could involve avoiding certain foods and alcohol or taking vitamins or other lifestyle changes.

I told my best friend but only because it was discovered I didn't have rubella immunity and had to postpone for 6 months post MMR jab. This was after stopping the pill so it was a bit annoying.

Rosio · 07/12/2022 14:55

Everyone’s different. One of my old managers told us she had started trying for her second, was pregnant a month later. Obviously didn’t announce straight away but had morning sickness at work so it was obvious. I just told my sister after trying for 5 months and was pregnant the 6th month luckily. It is a little bit TMI but some people are comfortable with that

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 07/12/2022 15:23

'Is it odd to tell everyone that you’re trying for a baby?'

Yes, if someone was going down a train carriage saying that it would be very odd, and many of the chaps will assume it was some sort of open invitation!
Stop doing it!