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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell people you’re trying to get pregnant?

120 replies

Papergang · 05/12/2022 19:14

Is it odd to tell everyone that you’re trying for a baby?

BIL and SIL told the parents and the rest of the family about 9 months ago that they are trying for a baby. I had never come across a couple telling people this before and thought it was a bit odd but of course we were thrilled and excited for them. But it has put everyone on edge just wanting and waiting for it to happen and I think it must be a lot of pressure for them to be under.

Every time we see them it’s like is this it? Watching if she’s drinking etc. MIL is beside herself excited and waiting getting worried that it’s not happening or speculating when they are going to announce.

So I wanted to ask is it normal to tell people you’re trying for a baby? (YABU)

Or no you wouldn’t tell people (YANBU)

OP posts:
Vwswimmer1 · 05/12/2022 19:51

This thread is the reason people don't talk about miscarriage or infertility.

God forbid you know your sibling/friend is having sex. You might actually be able to support them if 12 months down the line they're not pregnant.

People say they don't want to know but would happily ask people when they're trying for a baby.

If people want to talk about TTC then they should be able to, if they don't they don't.

vitahelp · 05/12/2022 19:53

It can be nice to share with close friends & family so you have support/people to console with when it isn’t working out. TTC for a long period can be very lonely especially if your partner handles it better than you.
I wouldn’t tell acquaintances/colleagues though.

CFLandlordStory · 05/12/2022 19:56

I dont see the issue. Its sex, its a normal part of family life. Ive never understood being closed off about natural bodily functions or experiences. TTC is normal. As is miscarriage and pregnancy. Let's normalise do people don't feel do isolated

SadButTheTruth · 05/12/2022 19:56

If you’re comfortable with people asking you about it with you then of course it’s fine to announce you’re trying. I personally didn’t want to talk it and had a sense it wouldn’t be easy as I was so overweight st the time. I knew I would never want to discuss the agony of it so said nothing. I think that if infertility doesn’t occur to a person they would probably think it normal to discuss it, but may regret that decision if things don’t go to plan.

CFLandlordStory · 05/12/2022 19:56

So* obvs

BatshitBanshee · 05/12/2022 19:57

Depends. If we had only just started trying then I wouldn't, I wouldn't want to be put on watch for signs or symptoms etc. But I think it's different if you've been trying for a while, then I'd say it's nice to share for some support. But I would have hated the "they said they were trying months ago but nothings happened so must not be able to have a baby" faux sympathy conversations behind my back. Telling people from the outset is a lot of pressure I think.

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 19:58

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing with close friends and family that you are trying for a baby. It’s really not something to be kept quiet if you don’t want to.

Some of these comments are crazy.

Dinosaurpoopy · 05/12/2022 19:59

My friend drunkenly announced they would be trying after the wedding and now everything I see her i look for "signs", I won't ever mention it again though and we all still talk about children as though its the distance future "yeah if we have kids.. "

HandsomeDaughter · 05/12/2022 19:59

No I really don't agree that by not announcing you're TTCing means you are stigmatising or enabling the stigma of miscarriages.

I think PPs are mixing up not announcing pregnancy early with not announcing that you are now going to have lots of sex and let your DH cum inside you repeatedly until you are impregnated. The latter is a gross and TMI mental image. Saying you're going through fertility treatment or IVF is not the same because it's not sexual images and it means you might need emotional support for example. You don't need cheerleaders or handholding for unprotected sex with your partner when neither of you have any known issues or traumas (baby loss) around this.

You can tell the whole world you're pregnant as soon as you find out as far as I'm concerned, I don't care if you wait until 3 months or whatever. Obviously it might not be the wisest move for career and you may wish to time the announcement then but that's a separate issue.

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 20:00

venusandmars · 05/12/2022 19:19

No. It's sex. It's a private act between 2 consenting people. I don't want to know.

What a weird comment, it’s knowing someone is actively hoping for a baby, I’m sure they aren’t sharing the ins and outs of their actual sex life.
Do you think it’s inappropriate to share that you’re pregnant because it’s just announcing you had sex??

Bluelightbaby · 05/12/2022 20:01

We’re TTC and our family and close friends know, we’ve had two early miscarriages and it’s nice to have support

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 20:02

@HandsomeDaughter you are now going to have lots of sex and let your DH cum inside you repeatedly until you are impregnated. The latter is a gross and TMI mental image. Saying you're going through fertility treatment or IVF is not the same because it's not sexual images

If that’s what you imagine when a friend says they are trying for a baby you are the weird one!

HandsomeDaughter · 05/12/2022 20:03

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 20:02

@HandsomeDaughter you are now going to have lots of sex and let your DH cum inside you repeatedly until you are impregnated. The latter is a gross and TMI mental image. Saying you're going through fertility treatment or IVF is not the same because it's not sexual images

If that’s what you imagine when a friend says they are trying for a baby you are the weird one!

Perhaps, but I'm certainly not alone in feeling icky about it as demonstrated by other comments.

ChillysWaterBottle · 05/12/2022 20:03

Seems perfectly normal to me

FlissyPaps · 05/12/2022 20:08

@HandsomeDaughter I think PPs are mixing up not announcing pregnancy early with not announcing that you are now going to have lots of sex and let your DH cum inside you repeatedly until you are impregnated. The latter is a gross and TMI mental image.

How is that gross? It’s natural.

You do realise without sex none of us would be alive?

If you’ve got a gross mental image that’s your problem not anyone else’s.

lugeforlife · 05/12/2022 20:08

We didn't tell anyone but I think everyone was expecting it. My mum and mil found out 3 months in when I lost a baby due to ectopic pregnancy. They then mentioned to others which was fine but I was pretty devastated and didn't want to talk about it with anyone other than dh and, when I was up to it, my mum,

It took 5 years, a couple of suspected miscarriages, another ectopic and 3 rounds of ivf before i had a positive outcome. During that time siblings and parents were aware stuff was happening but only my mum knew detail and then not all. Dh chose not to share much with his mostly because his brothers were having their own kids and bil 2 is a selfish tactless twunt.

Nothing to do with shame or privacy. Everything to do with me wanting to deal with something soul crushing on my terms. DH the same.

That said, the look of joy on my sils face when dh told her I was 15 weeks pregnant was lovely.

Orangelover · 05/12/2022 20:10

I'm literally an open book. Some things I really should keep private but I chronically over share Blush Thankfully all my friends are very similar. I'd have no issue saying to my friends and my mum and some other members of my family we're going to start trying. We got married last year and naturally people have asked us if we want a family soon and it hasn't offended me. If in another few months nothing has happened I'm also more than happy to follow up with, yes we're trying but it's not happened yet. Lots of couples have longer TTC journeys and plenty even have fertility problems. Painful though it must be, if people talked about these things more it would be less taboo IMO and maybe less shocking if you turn out to have such problems. That said I have lovely supportive friends and close family so in a strong position to feel this way. I recognise that's not the same for everyone and people will have different thoughts on the matter, each to their own but I don't find it weird.

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 20:10

HandsomeDaughter · 05/12/2022 20:03

Perhaps, but I'm certainly not alone in feeling icky about it as demonstrated by other comments.

Show quote history

But you’re an adult, surely you acknowledge that the majority of couples are having sex on a regular basis regardless? In what way does knowing they want a baby really change that?
Im sure they aren’t sharing what position they were up to last night.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/12/2022 20:12

Basically it’s people announcing that they are currently having lots of unprotected sex; why do they think anyone needs to know that!?

Fleabigg · 05/12/2022 20:13

I hate it when people say that by not announcing things early you’re adding to shame and/or loneliness for others. My responsibility was to myself and my DH alone when we were struggling with infertility for years. I am not obliged to share more than I want to for the benefit of someone else. We’re very private people and wanted to deal with something so difficult and heartbreaking by ourselves (and with professionals) and on our own terms without having to worry about people gossiping behind our backs or using us as some kind of reassurance to themselves.

Lcb123 · 05/12/2022 20:14

Personal choice of course, but I wouldn’t tell, at least not initially. I think if I experienced a miscarriage or fertility issues I’d tell select friends and family, as I’d appreciate talking about it

Pollywoddles · 05/12/2022 20:17

Nah, I was very sorry I ever told anyone that we’d miscarried. I had lots of inane advice that came from a good place but gave me the absolute rage. Everything from ‘my friend and her husband couldn’t get pregnant and it turned out that it was his diet’ to ‘relax, it’ll happen’. Then there was the loaded ‘any news?’ questions when we’d meet and some pretty insensitive pregnancy announcements (not their own, gossiping about colleagues). Also having infertility brought into every bloody conversation, I told that particular person I never wanted to discuss it with her again and to be fair to her she never brought it up again. I don’t need that kind of support and I hate being pitied.

I would never tell anyone I was ttc and I would never want to know if someone was ttc.

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 20:17

Fleabigg · 05/12/2022 20:13

I hate it when people say that by not announcing things early you’re adding to shame and/or loneliness for others. My responsibility was to myself and my DH alone when we were struggling with infertility for years. I am not obliged to share more than I want to for the benefit of someone else. We’re very private people and wanted to deal with something so difficult and heartbreaking by ourselves (and with professionals) and on our own terms without having to worry about people gossiping behind our backs or using us as some kind of reassurance to themselves.

I don’t think anyone is saying that not announcing ttc/ early pregnancy adds to the shame, I think people are just referring to when people say you actually SHOULD NOT share.

Everyone should be able to share as much or as little as they feel comfortable with.

HandsomeDaughter · 05/12/2022 20:18

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 20:10

But you’re an adult, surely you acknowledge that the majority of couples are having sex on a regular basis regardless? In what way does knowing they want a baby really change that?
Im sure they aren’t sharing what position they were up to last night.

Show quote history

The same way I don't need your bowel movements and bladder activities announced. I know it happens but I don't want to hear about it.
Unless I suppose we were close and you had stomach cancer or some illness where it was relevant. Some things are private and unless there is a backstory like I said (child loss, fertility issue) that means you might need support, I just don't see why you would announce it. It's different saying that yes you'd love to have children or plan on having children but hey everybody we're going to TTC .... ewww.

HandsomeDaughter · 05/12/2022 20:22

What's stopping a woman from saying she had a miscarriage? Who says she needs to announce she was TTCing first? There is no rule to say you have to say you're TTCing otherwise you can't say you had a miscarriage.

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