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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell people you’re trying to get pregnant?

120 replies

Papergang · 05/12/2022 19:14

Is it odd to tell everyone that you’re trying for a baby?

BIL and SIL told the parents and the rest of the family about 9 months ago that they are trying for a baby. I had never come across a couple telling people this before and thought it was a bit odd but of course we were thrilled and excited for them. But it has put everyone on edge just wanting and waiting for it to happen and I think it must be a lot of pressure for them to be under.

Every time we see them it’s like is this it? Watching if she’s drinking etc. MIL is beside herself excited and waiting getting worried that it’s not happening or speculating when they are going to announce.

So I wanted to ask is it normal to tell people you’re trying for a baby? (YABU)

Or no you wouldn’t tell people (YANBU)

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 05/12/2022 20:25

We didn't tell a soul because we had always said we didn't want children and we didn't want to disappoint the potential grandparents if it didn't happen. We were the only chance of grandchildren on both sides. We'd already decided that if we didn't conceive we'd not do any fertility treatment.

It's not wrong to share obviously but I loved that moment when I handed them a 12 week scan. My dad nearly dropped his beer.

Writerscompanion · 05/12/2022 20:31

I think there are degrees of privacy to it. When I met my partner, my mum and sister knew we both wanted a family so it was vaguely on the radar, but we were getting to know each other, moving in, sorting job/financial stuff. This summer I told them that it was something we had both agreed we wanted to move forward within the following year. What I didn't tell them was that we had actually started TTC, as I didn't want that level of awareness/scrutiny on it, but they knew it was on the cards.

We're older to be TTC and I had a lovely moment telling my mum of our hopes and plans. She has had a tough time resigning herself to it never happening as my sister doesn't want kids and I was single - so she then allowed herself to hope a bit, but luckily never asked nosy questions. Now I'm seven weeks pregnant and I told them as soon as I found out myself. My mum was shocked as she didn't realise I meant so soon!

I'm close to them and it's important to me that they are involved in such a big part of my life and our lives as a family. So no need to judge people for sharing, imo.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2022 20:31

I mean we talked about it in terms of so when do you think you'll start trying? Oh as soon as we're married etc. And when it too ka while it helped to be able to talk about that too. But it wasn't a family wide sit down announcement

cleanfreak12345 · 05/12/2022 20:41

I'm not sure why anybody would feel the need to tell other's and I'm also not sure why anybody would be interested

We have couple friends who have been TTC for over three years and now going down the IVF route. If they'd told everybody in advance I think they'd have regretted it, years of prying questions, are you pregnant yet? Are you still trying? What's taking so long?

DarkShade · 05/12/2022 20:43

Vwswimmer1 · 05/12/2022 19:51

This thread is the reason people don't talk about miscarriage or infertility.

God forbid you know your sibling/friend is having sex. You might actually be able to support them if 12 months down the line they're not pregnant.

People say they don't want to know but would happily ask people when they're trying for a baby.

If people want to talk about TTC then they should be able to, if they don't they don't.

Yes exactly, excellent point!! So it's fine for every auntie under the sun to ask "So when's little one getting a brother or sister?" and strangers to ask "So are you going to have any more?" but weird if I were to tell my friends and family that I want to have a baby?

It's not announcing that you are having unprotected sex. Surely most couples have regular sex, we know this. It's telling the people who are close to you and who are a source of mutual support where your head is at and what your plans for your life right now are. Planning to have children is for many people one of the biggest decisions of their life. Of course they might want to let the people in their lives know, and talk about it.

littleburn · 05/12/2022 20:47

I didn't tell people we were trying - just told them when I was 12 weeks gone. It wouldn't have occurred to me to say at the time we were trying, but thinking about it now I'd find it too much pressure and too intrusive for people to know. Like it'd be the elephant in the room every time we got together with family, with DM and MiL on tenterhooks about it.

Plus if it didn't happen, I'd not want to feel I owed people an explanation as to why they weren't grandparents/aunts/uncles yet. But then I'm fairly private and don't like everyone in the family knowing and discussing my business!

Blueberrywitch · 05/12/2022 20:53

All my friends who are trying have told me, but that’s friendships - I’m don’t know whether they told their families

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 05/12/2022 20:54

venusandmars · 05/12/2022 19:19

No. It's sex. It's a private act between 2 consenting people. I don't want to know.

Disgusting. Hahahaha

Cas112 · 05/12/2022 21:01

I know plenty of people who have just mentioned it in passing to me

sageandrosemary · 05/12/2022 21:05

I think it's normal.

"We'd like a baby so we're going to start trying"

I don't expect peoples minds to wonder off to be the details of our sex life...

Ivyblu · 05/12/2022 21:06

I wouldn't tell people I'm trying for a baby firstly it's private, secondly it's adding pressure to the situation you don't know if you may have issues along the way and FGS it's not everything you need to rush to tell people. What is the rush to tell people, what are you gaining from that?

For people who have had a miscarriage well you are telling them that so it's not comparable as it's a negative thing. Going around sharing personal things is not needed it's not even that I'm prudish I just don't get why you would want to tell others so early on!

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 21:10

@Ivyblu What is the rush to tell people, what are you gaining from that
Support from friends and family I imagine.

notdaddycool · 05/12/2022 21:15

We didn't announce it but if it came up in conversation, it did make it a little awkward when a colleague 'overtook' us. We told quite a lot of people before 3 months, it was pointed out to me that if you had a miscarriage these people are the ones you want support from. I don't know why it's all so secretive.

StarlessSea123 · 05/12/2022 21:18

I‘ve never known anyone to tell me they had decided to start TTC. I do have an older family member and any time she hears of a pregnancy one of the first things she wants to know is whether it was planned or a surprise Confused which I always find an odd and personal question which it wouldn’t occur to me to ask. But maybe that’s more normal?

TerrifiedOfGivingBirthAgain · 05/12/2022 21:26

I told my closest DSis 3 months ago. Then when I miscarried last week it was only her and DM who knew I'd miscarried. I didn't want the insensitive questions and condolences I wasn't ready to receive. And the consequences people jump to when you're not able to make a date or decide not to have a drink. Because, oh she had a miscarriage so she must be TTC again so she must be pregnant. I can't bear gossip.

Passthecheeseboard · 05/12/2022 21:39

venusandmars · 05/12/2022 19:19

No. It's sex. It's a private act between 2 consenting people. I don't want to know.

This, can’t imagine anything more awkward than announcing to family that I’m getting regularly cream pied by DH😳

Passthecheeseboard · 05/12/2022 21:40

venusandmars · 05/12/2022 19:19

No. It's sex. It's a private act between 2 consenting people. I don't want to know.

This, can’t imagine anything more awkward than announcing to family that I’m getting regularly cream pied by DH 😳

Fairislefandango · 05/12/2022 21:46

No. It's sex. It's a private act between 2 consenting people. I don't want to know.

Confused It's not as if you can avoid the knowledge that when a couple have had a baby, they achieved this by having sex. Why is it so awful to know that before they have a baby, but ok after they've had a baby?!

Fairislefandango · 05/12/2022 21:47

This, can’t imagine anything more awkward than announcing to family that I’m getting regularly cream pied by DH

So you think your family assume you and your husband don't have sex? How odd!

lifeinthehills · 05/12/2022 21:51

I think it depends on the relationship with and to the person. Some of my friends, sure.Others, not. I did tell my parents when we decided to go for #3.

I never did it after the topic came up with a Mum's group and I mentioned we were planning to have another soon. Turns out someone in the group had fertility problems and me talking about it like it would just happen upset them. So definitely pick your audience.

AllforGloria · 05/12/2022 21:55

I definitely wouldn’t but I’m a private person generally.
My sister did about five years ago and it hasn’t happened for them yet, so I suppose if you do tell people and it doesn’t go to plan, you have to be prepared to deal with that.

Hiddenvoice · 05/12/2022 22:01

Maybe they’ve had a lot of people asking them when they are going to have a baby so they are being honest and saying they are trying.
I ttc for such a long time before my bfp. I was getting so tired and fed up of people asking why I hadn’t had a baby yet and when my dh and I were going to settle down and start a family. I just told some people I was trying to shut them up really.

Anonymous48 · 05/12/2022 22:02

My friends and family would have realised anyway, when I wasn't drinking alcohol at occasions when I normally would!

However, we were incredibly lucky and conceived the first month, so it was never an issue.

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 05/12/2022 22:04

We didn’t and I don’t know anyone who did. Apart from one couple struggling with infertility and going through ivf.

but I find your reaction weird too, you’re thrilled for them. Trying for a baby doesn’t mean a baby, so it’s weird to be thrilled two people are shagging.

Thisusernameisfree · 05/12/2022 22:10

ChessieDarling · 05/12/2022 19:38

Mm I am on the fence. I didn’t tell anyone initially because who needs to know about my husband and I going at it really but it took us nearly two years to get pregnant and after probably a year or so, we started talking to our friends and family about it. It was a very hard time for us and sometimes we just needed to talk it out. Also it put a lid on the comments and watching for drinking etc.

^ this was similar to me.

We didn't initially and I had four mcs which no one but me and dh knew about and it was the loneliest time. All the while dealing with the... When will you two be hearing the pitter patter of little feet crap that would happen at every family get together.

Perhaps she knows friends who have struggled and for them announcing they are trying takes the pressure off so that they don't have to deal with the joking asks or jokes about if she's having alcohol/ eating for two... And that heaven forbid they do have an early loss, that they have family aware that they were trying and able to support them in what would be a devastating loss for them.

When we did open up about mcs, the number of people who tried to minimise it - there's always next month/ something obv wasn't quite right/ god has a plan/ you'll have another... Not knowing that we had literally been trying for years!!

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