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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my colleague to withdraw christmas holiday request.

1000 replies

Jessiejuju · 05/12/2022 09:17

OK I feel terrible about this but me and my colleague who I get on with quite well normally have both requested Xmas day off but our manager has said that only one of us can have it off and that we need to sort ot out.I have asked her to withdraw her request as her and her husband they have no kids normally go to her husbands parents on Xmas day but they also go everyweek so it's not like they never see them where as I on the other hand have a 4 year old Autistic son he normaly goes to nursery but his nursery closes 1 week before christmas and doesn't open until next year the shift in question is a 3 hour shift between 7 and 10 in the morning so she and her husband could still be at his parents for lunch time where as because I am a single mama and the nurseries are closed I have no one to watch my son yes I could pay someone but it would be extremely expensive and he would most likely be very distressed with having someone he is unfamiliar with in his home plus it would be difficult for said person as my son is non verbal.
I do feel bad asking her to do this but if she won't then I am going to have no choice but to leave my job.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 05/12/2022 09:55

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 05/12/2022 09:53

It sounds as though she requested it first and is therefore entitled to it, and you've put her nose out of joint by asking her to withdraw her perfectly legitimate request on the basis that you have kids and she doesn't, and she doesn't need to see her family on Xmas Day as she sees them all the time. I'm not surprised she's not being helpful.

I'm in her position - working my 9th Christmas in a row this year as parent colleagues kick up a massive fuss if they don't get priority. There's always a sob story and you get ground down by everyone treating you like you don't matter as much. It's also always the female colleagues who get leaned on with the emotive language - the male parent is always AWOL and never expected to step up, whereas us women are expected to act like co-parents to everyone else's children.

You need to apply for unpaid parental leave at this point I think.

I agree.

Nicknacky · 05/12/2022 09:55

OwwwMuuuum · 05/12/2022 09:52

You have kids so you win Christmas. I can’t believe anyone upthread really would be selfish enough to think anything otherwise. If you don’t have kids, you don’t get priority on Xmas annual leave in my book.

What do you work as and do you work Christmas?

Prinnny · 05/12/2022 09:56

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I think it’s pretty shit a child free person wouldn’t offer to do an early morning shift, that doesn’t effect their plans, so a mum can spend Christmas morning with her young child.

I always worked the long day shift on Christmas Day so those in my team with young children could be at home with them, and now I’m the one with a young child they return the favour, it’s just common decency.

(I know the fact it’s Christmas Day isn’t the point of the thread, it’s the fact she has know childcare but I still think it’s selfish AF)

MyPurpleHeart · 05/12/2022 09:56

Selfish of you to assume that you have the monopoly on Christmas because you have kids and she doesnt.

sheepdogdelight · 05/12/2022 09:56

mam0918 · 05/12/2022 09:52

People who think WANTING to visit family for lunch is remotely the same as HAVING to care for a child (especially a disabled one) are batshit.

Yes they also have family but visiting parents and siblings for a social party is not remotely the same as having a 'dependent'.

The reason for requesting leave is irrelevant.
Companies don't approve leave on the basis of whose reason is more valid.

It's not the colleague's fault that OP has no childcare.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 05/12/2022 09:56

yabu because this issue was triggered in April and so you've had 7 months to plan for it.
your manager is also being unreasonable for not managing the situation.
but in general if there's 2 of you in a job that needs to be done on Christmas day then you should assume you will be working Christmas day in 50% of years. if you can't do that ever you need another job.

Y7drama · 05/12/2022 09:57

Bobbins36 · 05/12/2022 09:55

This! You knew in April you couldn’t have Xmas day off OP? What did you think would happen?

Show quote history

It does seem to read this way which puts a slightly different perspective on it.

KatMcBundleFace · 05/12/2022 09:57

She's talking about a dependent ASD 4 year old, with no childcare!

You people are selfish, yes.

BadNomad · 05/12/2022 09:57

Is your manager saying if you don't sort it between you, he will make you both work? Or just you?

Itloggedmeoutagain · 05/12/2022 09:57

Can I just clarify that you would both be subject to disciplinary if neither of you went in? Given that they've said sort it amongst yourselves

MaggieFS · 05/12/2022 09:58

Is he also threatening your colleague with a disciplinary?

Crayfishforyou · 05/12/2022 09:58

Katapolts · 05/12/2022 09:47

If it was me, I'd leave it up to the manager.

I'd say to them - I booked this leave in April, I can't work Christmas Day as I have no childcare cover, I can either have that day as annual leave or unpaid parental leave but I can't come to work.
Then leave it up to the manager to sort.

This.
The bare facts are you have no family to childcare and the nurseries are closed.
You can’t leave a small child alone, or bring them with you.
I’d tell my manager if it results in a disciplinary then you will contest it through HR. You booked the time off with plenty of notice, because you knew you couldn’t work that day. Check your handbook about childcare and time off for it.
But you do need to tell your manager you are having that day off as it is unavoidable. End of.

Glitterandmud · 05/12/2022 09:58

Then let it go to disciplinary op, it will then be escalated beyond your manager when you appeal any sanction and they are the ones who will look rubbish for not doing ther job. Hugely stressful for you but the simple fact is you cannot work Christmas day as you need to care for your disabled son, you won't be there so they can schedule you all they like, you will be unable to be there.

Sorry you have such a rubbish boss putting this stress on you, but it is their stress to manage not yours. You have no choice, they do.

Folow pps advice about booking parental leave etc and I hope you enjoy your break.

Whaleandsnail6 · 05/12/2022 09:58

I suspected you might work in care. In my experience it's normal for Christmas not to be included in annual leave requests. Anywhere I've always worked, you couldn't have annual leave for the 2 weeks over the Christmas period so im amazed you have got what you have off!

Anyway, it's a crap situation and your manager was wrong to put it back onto the two of you. Also,I would try and not let myself feel resentment towards my colleague, if she has very little time off over Christmas,I can see why this is important to her,she will have her own,personal reasons for wanting it off.

Is there any other colleagues who may swap/work overtime? If not, and you really don't have anyone familiar to watch your son (even paid) then would go back to manager and explain that you really cant come in due to childcare .if they still don't take responsibility (eg putting it out to agency) then I would probably leave, unfortunately care jobs are very easy to get so you probably won't struggle to find something else

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2022 09:58

OwwwMuuuum · 05/12/2022 09:52

Bollocks.

If op had a partner and her colleague had no care for her elderly parent with dementia then the colleagues care needs would win and I'd expect op to suck it up and work. This is about care needs for a vulnerable person, not Santa or Baby Jesus

Christmasnero · 05/12/2022 09:58

Just take the disciplinary or the 70 loss if you can afford to do that.
theyre your options unfortunately, you didn’t have the day confirmed.
alternatively could your mum find cover for her Xmas eve shift and then she could watch your son in the morning?
it is a really difficult situation but you have had at least 7 months to sort it so I do understand why the other person doesn’t want to change her shift last minute

knittingaddict · 05/12/2022 09:58

No the manager can't just pass the buck. It is their job to make the decision and it should be first come, first served. The requests can't have literally come in at the same second. Someone was first and they should get the hoilday.

I had children, but I don't like it when people without are expected to be the flexible ones. It's not fair on them and everyone should be treated equally.

Bobbins36 · 05/12/2022 09:59

@MaggieFS not by the sounds of it as colleagues holiday request was approved prior to the OpS albeit on the same day. Not the colleagues fault here.

ImAvingOops · 05/12/2022 09:59

No one is saying that having kids = more important than people who don't. But having a non verbal, autistic child is! Getting childcare will be impossible unless the father/his parents/siblings can do it. If they won't then she's fucked!

OP take no notice of the bitchy comments - you've done everything you can, but if you have no childcare then you have no childcare! Go to HR and tell your manager you can't come in because you have no one up look after your son and that's the end of it! Let him launch disciplinary action if he likes and you can counter it by saying he gave you no notice and refused to manage this situation.

Original poster

Jessiejuju · 05/12/2022 09:59

Kedece2410 · 05/12/2022 09:52

I appreciate your mums working Christmas Eve but since your shifts only 3 hours couldn't she just have him & sleep before/after she's had him. Its not ideal but when you're really stuck surely she wouldn't mind. I know a lot of my colleagues have to stay up after a night shift or split their sleep due to childcare

What about your sons Dad?

It's not that she won't have him but I would need to leave at 6-6:30 to get to work on time and she doesn't finish work until 8 so it just not a possibility. And I don't know where his dad is we've gad no contact in months.

OP posts:

GrinAndVomit · 05/12/2022 09:59

If I were you, I’d be looking for a new job

Blueberrywitch · 05/12/2022 10:00

I think your workplace is treating you abysmally, no wonder the care profession is having a staffing crisis! It’s sounds like an awful place to work! You have my sympathies and it sounds like you’ve done everything right - your manager is an asshole and your colleague is being inflexible as well.

Flapjackquack · 05/12/2022 10:00

Bobbins36 · 05/12/2022 09:51

Colleague having one day off and you are having the full 2 weeks minus one day. She’s quite right and entitled to the holiday she got approved prior to yours.

@Bobbins36 - she requested it the same day, not before. In April. So why the boss hasn’t sorted it before 5 December is beyond me.

OP, at first I though YWBU but with each update I have moved more to YANBU. I would do as suggested with the unpaid parental leave and start looking elsewhere for a job. Hopefully one good thing about the lack of carers now is that hopefully the ones will start to be treated better.

sheepdogdelight · 05/12/2022 10:00

MaggieFS · 05/12/2022 09:53

How is this only just coming up now if you booked them off in April?

OP's leave for Christmas Day was not approved.
OP knew this in April.
So she's had quite a few months to sort out childcare.

That might well be why colleague is digging her heels in.

Bobbins36 · 05/12/2022 10:00

@ImAvingOops no notice? OP knew in APRIL 😳

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