To ask my colleague to withdraw christmas holiday request.

[Jessiejuju]

OK I feel terrible about this but me and my colleague who I get on with quite well normally have both requested Xmas day off but our manager has said that only one of us can have it off and that we need to sort ot out.I have asked her to withdraw her request as her and her husband they have no kids normally go to her husbands parents on Xmas day but they also go everyweek so it's not like they never see them where as I on the other hand have a 4 year old Autistic son he normaly goes to nursery but his nursery closes 1 week before christmas and doesn't open until next year the shift in question is a 3 hour shift between 7 and 10 in the morning so she and her husband could still be at his parents for lunch time where as because I am a single mama and the nurseries are closed I have no one to watch my son yes I could pay someone but it would be extremely expensive and he would most likely be very distressed with having someone he is unfamiliar with in his home plus it would be difficult for said person as my son is non verbal.
I do feel bad asking her to do this but if she won't then I am going to have no choice but to leave my job.

Do we actually know the colleague is an arse though?

I was in this situation once - being one of two people who requested time off on Xmas Day. I have no children, colleague had no childcare. I was granted the leave and instantly became a 'selfish bitch'.

My Dad was dying.

I haven't any advice (other than to second another poster's suggestion to change in the new year to a job as a TA with adhoc care shifts in the holidays).

Just want to say to the OP that I admire her for working hard and looking after her child on her own in difficult circumstances. OP, I'm sorry you're having a tough time and really hope you manage to sort Christmas out

Exactly so whoever's got it first booked gets it regardless!

@Goldenbear if your kids don't work when they're older do I get a tax refund in them? What about parents of kids who will always cost the state more than they can bring in due to their needs - are those parents less superior to you? Curious how it works. Personally one of my kids is going to be an astronaut, one a world famous illustrator and a world renowned stunt double so all will be large tax payers. They're all under 10 but do I get my medal yet?

She doesn't work weekends since THIS YEAR because her partner left in January. She worked last year and her partner had their child.

Whilst I agree the manager is an arse I don't think it's fair to call the colleague one as well. They, too, may have extenuating circumstances....it may be the only day her and her DH can spend together over the 2 weeks as she is working the rest of the time, she may have a terminally ill family member for whom this will be the last Christmas, she may be covering childcare for a relative who has to work or maybe she's just fed up of being the default cover for colleagues with children....none of which makes her an arse.

Exactly, the original post makes no sense. Unless the OP is missing some critical information such as she got the last x many Christmas' off and the other colleague was promised this year off.

It makes no sense that it is the colleague who has defaulted to getting the day off and the OP is running around trying to resolve.

I do understand that you don't have childcare op, but trying to book the whole of Christmas and new year off is probably why the management aren't sympathetic - they will be juggling everyone's requests, hence saying that they won't make a decision until nearer the time. Other people have good reasons to need Christmas too.

It won't help you now but I highly recommend trying to work for an org that understands your situation, it takes some trial and error but I found an employer who takes into consideration my autistic dd

You sound very kind and reasonable. What a horrible manager you have! It’s definitely not you or your colleagues issue. They just haven’t dealt with it.

it’s extremely difficult to get childcare on Xmas day esp given your child’s needs. I would just call in on the day and say childcare hasn’t worked out so need to stay with your son. You’ve given your manager plenty of warning and been upfront about your challenges.

in the meantime you absolutely need to move jobs. Start applying! It’ll make your life a lot easier if you work in a supportive workplace.

also IF the manager does follow up with disciplinary then you will just let them know it was effectively emergency leave (that has to be granted by law). Will also show that you have boundaries.

good luck

I’d always put myself out for a colleague facing a one-off emergency or similar, but the problem for op’s colleague is that this is an ongoing situation.

This, in a nutshell, is why as a senior manager I generally speaking refuse to give any special "parental arrangements" that everyone else doesn't get at comparable terms ...

... and it is EXACTLY so that I can then actually step in and pull the "but this one is different" card when something like the OP's situation arises, i.e. when someone's in a real pickle. And my teams will virtually always agree because for them, this is not an ongoing situation but the exception!

I fully agree, by the way, that this sounds like a management problem on multiple fronts. That said, I do have different kinds of employees (not in the care industry, but some of the business I manage does include critical infrastructure stuff that requires holiday cover), and I don't generally think that letting them come to their own agreement is always bad management. Some people prefer it and will be less resentful if they get the chance to negotiate with each other. Others, however, due to a variety of factors, I would not dream about suggesting this to.

This child has a DISABILITY.

The law says you have to make reasonable adjustments. Not to do so is disability discrimination.

It's not the same as just "a parent" wanting time with their kids.

If you can't tell the difference, you shouldn't be a manager.

The OP's employer could very well be guilty of disability discrimination here. It would be a reasonable adjustment to let her have the first call for booking days off when she can't get child care. For example.

It’s quite difficult really. I don’t agree with the ‘whoever booked it in first should get it’ as it just leads to selfish people always claiming the best holidays as soon as they become available. Sometimes a rota should be in place so it is fair. But I also don’t like the prevailing idea that if there are kids involved then childless/single people should miss out. It’s nice to offer (I always worked Christmas before kids) but it shouldn’t be expected.

it’s a 3 hour shift though, it’s hardly going o spoil her whole day and as you say she would be done by 10am so loads of the day left.

It's a shame some of this thread has degenerated into the inevitable conflict between those who accuse parents of expecting special concessions on account of the fact they've procreated, and those who see non-parents as being selfish and completely unbending. And of course, to cap it all there's the inevitable references to other women as 'bitches'. Nice.

The issue is a straightforward one: a sloppy, cowardly, ineffective, 'pass the buck' style of management. That's it.

This kind of situation reminds me of the constant plane threads, in which passengers go for other passengers' jugulars when the real fault is the greedy, penny-pinching airlines whose policies grow less user-amenable and more restrictive with each passing year. The seat-booking is a prime example, and it's even worse now the standard, non-budget airlines have cheekily followed suit.

Trouble is, it's none-so easy to vote with your feet when adopting crap policies that insult staff and customers alike are an industry standard. That seems very much the state of play with OP's workplace.

If only there was an effective way to demand better ...

Your childless Colleague has just as much right to Christmas off as you have. Anyone who tries the 'but I've got kids' thing in my job gets short shrift.

If you can't tell the difference, you shouldn't be a manager.

The post you quoted says this?

They literally say they don't generally make parental allowances which means, when there are serious exceptions, such as the OP being 'in a real pickly' needing to care for her disabled child, they have the flexibility to do so.

Sorry if you knew this already but your post reads to me like you are disagreeing with them and yet making the same point they are, I think. i.e. that this is an exceptional case and should be treated as such.

This 100%

What about people who book their holiday and then their manager fucks it up, do they get short shrift too or are you on the wrong thread?

Half day each?
Lazy manager!

We don't know that working 7-10am will not affect OP's colleague's Christmas Day plans: maybe their family live a distance away, and colleague is setting off from home at 6am to visit them.
I'm a HCP, and I've never worked in any care environment which allows annual leave during Christmas and New Year period.

Presumably your colleague will also get a disciplinary?

I do find it interesting that pretty much everyone who's said they'd withdraw their request and work Christmas has justified that by saying "I did that every year for colleagues with kids and now they do it for me".

You did it because you anticipated - or hoped - you'd benefit from it in future. When you're the childless person who'll never benefit from it, it does make you think twice. Otherwise, you end up working endless Christmases in a row - like me, on my 9th. Because the other thing is that the parent colleagues outnumber the childless colleagues, and they produce a conveyor belt of new young children for whom they want to claim priority. If you don't manage to put your foot down at some point, it becomes very difficult not to end up the proxy person who does all the crap shifts.

OP isn't being unreasonable, but the amount of people calling a childless woman a bitch for not being happy to participate in co-parenting some random person's child (whilst the actual parent of that child gets to sod off, apparently) is just ridiculous to me.

To sum up my thoughts on this situation

1. the OP knew this was a potential situation back in April and should have been planning for it since that time.
2. the colleague is under no moral, ethical, or any other obligation to swap
3. it sounds like the manager decided to give colleague the day off some time between Nov and now so did make the decision who should have it off.
4. The OP did get 2 weeks minus this one day approved.
5. the op has done the best in a bad situation and should either see if they can find another person to swap with or take the disciplinary
6. it isn’t the manager’s job to get cover in for the shift if they’ve already covered it by assigning it to the OP
7. It will now be the manager’s job to cover the shift as the OP is refusing to to cover it
8. The manager was not wrong to tell the OP to work it out herself with the colleague after assigning the day off to the colleague
9. the OP needs to focus on options for backups now because this won’t be the last scheduling fiasco that she will come across.

Only if they've not had their request accepted either - which I assume isn't the case, as otherwise OP wouldn't be asking them to give it up. If they've had their request accepted, then why on earth should they be penalised for not doing a swap?

I've ready the whole thread, but I'm unclear on one point:
When leave was arranged in April - were you both told the Christmas Day would remain pending until November?
Or was your colleague told that they had been granted the day (and by implication that all your other requests had been granted expect this one, that you hadn't got that specific day off)?

As others have suggested is start looking for another job asap. I've seen lots of adverts for carework in my area, so hopefully wouldn't be too much of an issue to find a new employer.

Overall I'd say neither you or your colleague are unreasonable... It's your manager who is being unreasonable by shrugging off their responsibility.

OP isn't being unreasonable, but the amount of people calling a childless woman a bitch for not being happy to participate in co-parenting some random person's child (whilst the actual parent of that child gets to sod off, apparently) is just ridiculous to me.

Summarises where I am with this thread perfectly.