To ask my colleague to withdraw christmas holiday request.

[Jessiejuju]

OK I feel terrible about this but me and my colleague who I get on with quite well normally have both requested Xmas day off but our manager has said that only one of us can have it off and that we need to sort ot out.I have asked her to withdraw her request as her and her husband they have no kids normally go to her husbands parents on Xmas day but they also go everyweek so it's not like they never see them where as I on the other hand have a 4 year old Autistic son he normaly goes to nursery but his nursery closes 1 week before christmas and doesn't open until next year the shift in question is a 3 hour shift between 7 and 10 in the morning so she and her husband could still be at his parents for lunch time where as because I am a single mama and the nurseries are closed I have no one to watch my son yes I could pay someone but it would be extremely expensive and he would most likely be very distressed with having someone he is unfamiliar with in his home plus it would be difficult for said person as my son is non verbal.
I do feel bad asking her to do this but if she won't then I am going to have no choice but to leave my job.

I think it was as a temporary measure to help her out as her partner left and child care was difficult @JenniferBooth

Oh behave!

I really hate it when parents think their needs trump those of people who don't have children with regard to flexibility/time off, but I don't think this is one of those situations.

The OP isn't just digging her heels in about not wanting to work on Christmas day because she wants the time with her dc. She has nobody to care for her autistic dc during the hours in question. What is she supposed to do? She can't just leave an autistic child with a complete stranger, even if she could afford to do that. It isn't that simple.

Is your line manager working on Christmas Day, OP? In that situation, I would feel obliged as the line manager to step in and cover the shift myself, assuming that had the necessary training/qualifications/clearance to do so. What would their Plan B be on a normal Sunday if eg you were sick...do they have an agency or something that they could call on? Can't they put those measures into place preemptively?

Resentment that a single Mom who's partner has gone no contact and who's child is severely disabled is trying to not quit an understaffed occupation? Really?

Colleague is really getting a pasting from some on here. I’d always put myself out for a colleague facing a one-off emergency or similar, but the problem for op’s colleague is that this is an ongoing situation. Sounds like she may already be doing more weekends than if op were also doing some, and now it’s Christmas Day too. If you use the rationale that she should suck it up because an autistic child’s security is more important than her entitlement to eat chocolates in front of the TV (which nobody could disagree with in absolute terms), where does it end?

Of course Op is entitled to support as a career, but the burden of that shouldn’t fall on her colleague. The employer needs to ensure op is supported without adversely affecting other employees.

Oh, and for those going on about supporting future taxpayers (as if you’ve had kids merely for that reason!), you will be aware that childfree/less people already pay tax towards many child-related benefits they don’t directly benefit from themselves. Again, where does it stop?

Reread my posts. If I have called the OP breathtakingly selfish please get it deleted. I have not once attacked the OP.

I am always have to discuss opinions and attitudes.

But apparently I lack nuance😜

Op, if I was the colleague, I'd work it for you. Fgs it's only 3 hours early morning, finishing at 10. I can't believe so many harsh comments on here. You are clearly stuck and they are being awkward.

The real issue is that management have known about this clash since April and they are only trying to make plans now! They would have has plenty of time to put contingencies in place if they had started thinking about this months ago!

@Spottingtwerps I've read it, have you? The OP clearly states here that holidays were accepted in April, then later she changes it to just been authorised in November, which on is it? I'm going April but 7 months notice doesn't get the same level of outrage and sympathy on here does it?

OP this sounds like an impossible situation. I am sorry that you have a weak manager and so little notice.

As an aside, it’s disgraceful that people are doing shifts on Xmas Day for £35. Carework is so important and our country does not value it. Ugh.

From what I understand, both applied for Xmas day AL in April, to be approved in November. Neither have actually been given approved AL for Xmas day yet, so it’s not a case of OP swapping. Both have been told to sort out between themselves who is working and who isn’t. this is the managers job and they shouldn’t be passing the buck

I agree.

That said, one person must have requested before the other, even if it was a matter of minutes or hours. If I were the manager I'd just choose the person who was first - it's not for me to decide who is most deserving, although I agree I don't see how you can get childcare for Christmas Day. But if you use that excuse every year your colleague will never be able to have Christmas Day with her family or friends?

It's very bad of the manager to have left it to the last minute like this.

Can you find a different job OP? If you work in the care sector there must be loads of options and maybe some will have better HR practices?

This all sounds very difficult for you @Jessiejuju

Not to mention all the posters piling in where they haven't read all the updates you have posted .

The only one thing I can think is whether your mum would be able to arrange something with her own colleagues so that she can leave work earlier to be there for your DC? It may be that they are more accommodating.

It's a shame but long term I would probably be looking to move from your current post - just because your manager seems to completely lack in empathy .

I know you probably need the time more (because of your child) than your colleague but is she not entitled to some time off around Xmas. And with you having taken the other 13 days off I think your colleague is being given a really hard time on here - it is not like new year (eg) is available for her to take either. Most people take a few or more days in or around Christmas and yet you think it is ok to take away the only day your colleague has put in for.

I do also think that management are making an arse of the situation also.

Nobody has said you are a 'lesser member of society' for not having dc.

Maybe not @Goldenbear but given how much you're harping on about how your DC's taxes will contribute to society too (they won't if they end up in low-paying jobs, btw) it's pretty clear what you think of people without children.

The SN actually isn't relevant.

No parent can get childcare outside Christmas day easily.

The SN is only relevant if it's severe enough that actually it is important to warn the OP that it is a situation that is likely to reoccur. Therefore there is some value in suggesting actually the OP may well do better for her son, her mum, her employer, her colleague and her service user if she was more available for her child and there is a financial route to that point.

I agree about the bad management. Nowhere should have authorised 2 weeks either side of Christmas in the first place

Because whilst I an see the benefits etc as someone on carers who's carrying for her child, that wasn't my point. I can see why it's easier to not fight to keep in work when trying to do so results in people telling you how irresponsible you are and what a shit mother and colleague you are for doing everything you can to balance it, when you're told well you wanted a baby so why should anyone care if you need support, when people are resentful of a reasonable adjustment to keep you in work even tho they don't need one, when you're told oh just quit work cos it'll make you a better Mom etc.

Tbh Latte, I'm out of arguing with you. You've got a bug up your ass over OP daring to work because you've decided it isn't possible with a child as disabled as she says he is so she's either lying or exaggerating, and that she's an awful person for struggling one day in 11 months. This is a you thing, not an op thing. Whatever decision YOU made for your kdis3, I have no doubt it was the right one for your family. It doesn't mean everyone has to make the same choice. If you're unhappy with it, that's not ops fault.

It's not a concession if it's agreed work terms

Clearly a concession is something that can be agreed to, but that's why I said "sounds like", MaggieFS, and mentioned those who the weekend shifts will fall on instead; I was thinking of how it'll appear to them as well as the management

Now in fairness what someone else gets isn't their affair, and if they don't like their working conditions it's up to them to raise it themselves, but at the same time it can't be denied these things can cause resentment among those left to pick up the work

Just say no you can't work it! and get a disciplinary - not much else you can do

Doubt you'll get fired as surely care homes are struggling to even get staff at the moment.

I agree. You poor thing OP. Your manager and your co-worker are arses. I would have no problem taking this shift for you. You have entirely reasonable extenuating circumstances.

What does it mean if you get a 'disciplinary'? How will it affect you?

I'm an employment lawyer and I agree with those who say that they could be discriminating against you. The Equality Act 2010 has been interpreted by judges as included those associated with a protected person. There was a case (Fellows I think) where a woman was selected for redundancy because she was part time due to caring for a disabled relative. That was disability discrimination against her (even though she wasn't disabled). It's known as associative discrimination.

For those saying that she doesn't get to trump her colleague. Legally she may well. Employers have to ensure they don't discriminate and this can mean people have working patterns which impact negatively on their colleagues.

This isn't about comparing parents and non parents it's about disability discrimination.

It might be worth calling Acas who give free advice and mediation for people with employment issues.

I think the question that bothers me is is it right to fight to stay in work if you end up doing both jobs badly and expecting everyone to pick up the pieces

It hits everyone personally. If you work you judge those that dont.

But as you say you don't want to argue with me.

100% agree. Thank you for saving me the time typing the same.

OP is is an awful situation. Ridiculous the manager isn’t just getting agency cover.

Hang on OP You dont work weekends but you worked last Christmas Day which was a Saturday?

I don’t think the colleague is the person being unreasonable I think it’s the management. There are solutions to this that don’t require either of them to work. ( someone from another section being offered attractive pay to cover, line manager covering, agency staff). They’re being inflexible. YANBU Op but avoid blaming your colleague.

He's non-verbal and in nappies ffs