To ask my colleague to withdraw christmas holiday request.

[Jessiejuju]

OK I feel terrible about this but me and my colleague who I get on with quite well normally have both requested Xmas day off but our manager has said that only one of us can have it off and that we need to sort ot out.I have asked her to withdraw her request as her and her husband they have no kids normally go to her husbands parents on Xmas day but they also go everyweek so it's not like they never see them where as I on the other hand have a 4 year old Autistic son he normaly goes to nursery but his nursery closes 1 week before christmas and doesn't open until next year the shift in question is a 3 hour shift between 7 and 10 in the morning so she and her husband could still be at his parents for lunch time where as because I am a single mama and the nurseries are closed I have no one to watch my son yes I could pay someone but it would be extremely expensive and he would most likely be very distressed with having someone he is unfamiliar with in his home plus it would be difficult for said person as my son is non verbal.
I do feel bad asking her to do this but if she won't then I am going to have no choice but to leave my job.

I'm normally the first to get irritated when people come on saying they should get christmas over their childless colleagues but actually in this situation I would have worked the shift for you OP. Its a fairly unique and difficult situation and you have both been fucked over by management who apparently don't care about whether colleagues have good working relationships or not.

However for some of the posters on this thread who have been vile about childless women:

I don't deserve Christmas less because I was born unable to have children (or if I had chosen not to have them)

I am not a less worth member of society because I am not producing a future tax payer and possible care worker

I already contribute towards the future of society through my taxes.

There will always be another parent thinking their christmas day is more important than mine. Always. It not just this christmas it every single christmas in a relentless drone of how much less worthy we are. The colleague probably hasn't agreed because other colleagues demand every year that she gives up christmas not just this year.

And to those who think they are somehow more deserving members of society because they can successfully have unprotected sex:

There are a lot of bad parents out there. Society would actually be better if people thought about whether they should have children before they had sex. Having a child regardless does not make you a more valuable member of society than someone who recognises parenting might not be their strength and makes a mature decision not to do it.

In what way is the colleague an arsehole? She is entitled to her holidays, she is as entitled to them as much as anyone else is and perhaps that 'arsehole' has something going on outside of work, which she not prepared to share, that means her Christmas Day absence is just as necessary as the OPs and even if she doesn't then she is still entitled to the holiday that has booked off.

This isn’t a child care issue either as OP has advised she can get child care however it would be expensive.

Ultimately her employers need to manage the situation and not leave it to the colleagues to sort.

Think the significant level of disability is also relevant because I have known people take their kids into work for a few hours in an emergency but OP isn't going to be able to do this even as an emergency measure.
Emergency carers leave or parental leave are the obvious options.

So what do you think is going to happen for the next 12 Christmases until your son Is 16? Do you expect to get them all off at the expense of your colleagues desire for annual leave on Christmas day? You chose to have a child and your colleague has chosen not to. Neither choice is more valid than the other and surely when you either had your child or accepted the job you knew there would be times when your work and home schedule would clash? It is down to you to make childcare arrangements. In this situation I would as manager give the leave to whoever had asked first. If tour colleague offers to cancel leave to accommodate you that is her choice. Equally she should not be asked or expected to oblige.

OP - I have no words of wisdom but would like to say that I admire you greatly.

Your son is very lucky to have you, as is society. If mothers like you (and your mother) behaved like his dad we would be in a terrible plight.

I do not think it unreasonale for the collegue to give in. It is a few hours in the morning, she will still make lunch, and have most of the rest of the day. If you were asking for fun and games - no. But your reasons are so utterly reasonable!

For those who sniff as they dump their ridgid Victorian disapproval on your shoulders because of other's (dad) behaviour and a genetic disability - try to igonore. Someday the ghost of Christmas past, present and future will visit. Or maybe someday unplanned, unpredictable, uncontrollable life will come a calling.

I hope you get a resolution that does not upend too much. And a happy Christmas to you.

Why has the other colleague not been told the same as OP and that they need to sort it out? Op seems to be doing all the running here. Has the other colleague has their leave approved?

Tbf I think op was saying hypothetical childcare would cost more than 3x her salary not Bob will do it she just had to find the money. And for many people childcare at three times their salary is impossible

If the company then moves forward with the premise that if you don't have kids then you don't get equal access/choice with regards to annual leave taking would they not have to be open about this from the start? I wouldn't be happy to get a job and be told I couldn't get some holidays and preference was only for a select group. And I'm a parent so it would actually benefit me!

Does your nursery normally open on a weekend and charge you less than £35?

This with bells on.

How do you know the colleague wouldn't have any consequences if she was asked to work?

Nobody has said you are a 'lesser member of society' for not having dc. I'm not sure why people think they can accuse the OP of being 'entitled' though, it is entitled to expect all the future benefits that children bring to society but have zero interest in facilitating that in fact actively oppose those parental rights and seemingly want to make it as difficult as possible! Yes, my husband and I pay taxes as well, high earning ones and we are bringing up children who will do the same. I am unsure why on a parenting forum we can't state that anymore or be supportive of someone in Op's position who from my POV is working very hard with little reward!

Yes they have which is why OP has asked to swap

Op's partner walked out in January, maybe she is understandably taking one Christmas at a time?

There's no need to be so unpleasant.

Op chose to have a baby in a relationship, hence last year working Xmas Day whilst he stayed with his Dad. She'd also happily get her Mom to look after her if she was available. She didn't choose to be a single mom to a disabled child.

You're right about the colleague, but not having childcare because her child is disabled and her partner left isn't OPS fault.

I wonder why so many single Mom's and parents of disabled children, let alone both, give up work and survive on benefits 🙄

Equally, there is a bit more to bringing up a child than 'unprotected sex', that is pretty insulting!

Thirded, and I have 3

The child is non verbal with complex physical and mental needs.

He would be distressed with someone new in his home.

I think the consquence of that would outweight the cost of childcare?

From what I read on here that could set a child like that out of whack for a long time.

Can't we have a little compassion for a single parent who is doing the heavy lifting of an absent father, trying to work, and presumably not be a drain on society.

What sort of care do you do? If it’s home care, you could probably get another job by then? The market is desperate at the moment.

if it’s office based can you take your son or wfh?

it’s pretty lousy but you don’t really have any options.

it is entitled to expect all the future benefits that children bring to society

hold on a minute, you mean those benefits that people WHO ARE WORKING RIGHT NOW, are currently providing for your children in terms of school and health care etc? Does it not go both ways?

Yes👏, trying to work and contribute to society and she is being blamed for that effort and for the choices the father has made to not be involved.

Jessiejuju get legal advice about the disaplinary as it maybe possible to argue this. Having a disability is a protected characteristic and as your child’s carer you are also protected as the issue is not getting childcare but appropriate childcare. The appropriate childcare is an issue because of your child’s disability and this is what is causing the issue.

This is really poor management. Your colleague is being a bit of a cow but ultimately it’s a piss poor management job.

Reiterate you cannot work on this day as you have no childcare options due to the decision being left so late due to your manager. Tell your manager that it is their problem to sort out and you did everything properly on your end (booking on the first day, etc).

If you’re out down for the shift then say again that you will not be in as you have no childcare and take a day’s unpaid parental leave.

If they want to be thick then it’s their issue to sort on Christmas Day when no one will come in to cover.

With autism it could very well be all future Christmas's Autism doesn't disappear at 16.

Op has very much been thrust into this. She's trying hard to balance working with a disabled child. The reality for many is you can't.

The very least she needs is a line manger who understands her plight and can help her carry on working.

There's not many options left.

Either they accommodate the hours she can work, or she applies for benefits to enable her to be her child's carer. She's still be able to pick up a few shifts doing this.

Hard choices all around.