To ask my colleague to withdraw christmas holiday request.

[Jessiejuju]

OK I feel terrible about this but me and my colleague who I get on with quite well normally have both requested Xmas day off but our manager has said that only one of us can have it off and that we need to sort ot out.I have asked her to withdraw her request as her and her husband they have no kids normally go to her husbands parents on Xmas day but they also go everyweek so it's not like they never see them where as I on the other hand have a 4 year old Autistic son he normaly goes to nursery but his nursery closes 1 week before christmas and doesn't open until next year the shift in question is a 3 hour shift between 7 and 10 in the morning so she and her husband could still be at his parents for lunch time where as because I am a single mama and the nurseries are closed I have no one to watch my son yes I could pay someone but it would be extremely expensive and he would most likely be very distressed with having someone he is unfamiliar with in his home plus it would be difficult for said person as my son is non verbal.
I do feel bad asking her to do this but if she won't then I am going to have no choice but to leave my job.

If it's care work. Put your notice in today, and get a new job in January. The manager should be sorting out this problem. Accepting your request early in the year then saying they'll decide on Christmas Day off in November is not acceptable. Very poor management. What if you were flying off somewhere for the holiday you requested. How could they get you to come in for one day, ridiculous.

Sorry if I’ve misread this, but you work in care and they won’t let you care for your child?
fuck that, if it’s care then get out and work for someone else.

Literally can’t believe people on here. Take her special needs child to work with her? Have any of you tried to get childcare for a child with special needs, even on a normal day. It is almost impossible. OP I’d be looking for another job. Obviously the needs of a disabled child are more important then someone being at their mums for a day. You’ve worked plenty of Christmas and New Years in the past. If you’re childless and Xmas is a big deal for you then tbh you’ve got issues. It’s just a roast with your family which can happen any day.

Because her colleague has been granted al on the day, OP was not and has asked colleague to swap, colleague does not want to swap and its not her problem and not a disciplinary matter.

Since you worked last xmas you shouldn’t have to work this xmas. Did she work last xmas? Your colleague should have more compassion.

Framing this as an issue between you and your colleague, or an issue that your colleague could/should assist with is wrong.

Her circumstances are nothing to do with yours, or vice versa. There's no 'top trumps' of who is more deserving, that would be unfair to all parties.

This is something to be resolved with your employer. It sounds like they are offering no compromise however, so you need to make a decision based on that and knowing what the consequences may be, but what is also best for you and your child.

It's not a concession if it's agreed work terms

Clearly a "concession" is something that can be agreed too, but that's why I said "sounds like", MaggieFS, and mentioned those who the weekend shifts will fall on instead; I was thinking of how it'll appear to them as well as the management

Now in fairness what someone else gets isn't their affair, and if they don't like their working conditions it's up to them to raise it themselves, but at the same time it can't be denied these things can cause resentment among those left to pick up the work

We can all live on a wing and a prayer.

If you have no responsibilities and it doesn't work out fair enough it's you that suffers.

But when someones breath-taking irresponsibility means that other people suffer, there really is no excuse.

8 months the OP knew there might be a problem for. 8 months the OP did nothing but hope for the best.

In a situation that will only get harder

In an 8 month period on time when DS was about 3-4 years I had applied for and had awarded DLA, I had organised benefits so I could stay home, i gradually started to implement all the therapy that DS needed, I paid for some private physio, one nursery placement had failed and the only place that could accommodate him could only take him one day a week. That's the reality of a special needs child, and frankly I've known higher needs children.

As a single parent you have one or more child who is entirely dependent on you (and no relying on shitty dad's isnt always a realistic prospect). As a paid carer you have service users relying on you. If you fuck up, you hurt other people.

I can't imagine not taking that responsibility seriously enough that I could live on hope and assumption

You requested it first and imo have mitigating circumstances . You should have the day off . If they refuse you should be entitled to Statutory time off work to care for a dependent so I would not do anything until the day before and just call saying I couldn’t go , simply say he was poorly or you could not find arrangements due to him having autism . They cannot do anything about it really .

@Luredbyapomegranate Exactly! And I agree particularly with this:

As a manager you do not pit two staff members against each other. What you do in this case is solve the problem by paying for agency cover for the OP.

If she called in sick they would have to cover her with an agency staff. There is no excuse for the stance this management is taking.

I don't think anyones being entitled in this scenario.

The colleague shouldn't be guilted into giving up her xmas day, which the OP gets. Unfortunately, OPs family issues are not the colleagues responsibility.

The only one being unreasonable is the manager.

I have terrible memories of being guilted into giving up my Christmas. I moved away from home, and was working shifts, it was my first year doing it and I really landed on my feet with my shifts, I had an early shift xmas eve, then a late the day after boxing day. So i had booked my train back to my family home (I didn't drive at the time) for Christmas eve and travelling back 27th.

A colleague begged and begged saying she really wanted Christmas with her child (she had a 8-11 shift. I initially said no but got some passive aggressive comments of people how I was being unreasonable, I ended up giving in.

There was no public transport that day so I ended up paying £40 for a taxi, then I remrmber walking home trying to hold back tears (took about 3 hours) my sister messaging me saying my mum had been crying all morning that i couldn't make it back. I checked my Facebook and the lady i swapped with was videoing herself pissed as a fart at 11am, with all her extended family and lots of kids around. She lived 5 minutes away so could have easily just got her shifts over and done with and had the majority of the day. I got home at about 3, had a family video call then went to bed and sobbed.

No matter the scenario I wouldn't swap in the future (luckily no longer an issue as I don't work shifts)

I know this isn't the same scenario, as this is about care needs. But Christmas is just as important for childless people and the colleague is not a bitch for prioritising herself.

Yep, I agree with you which is why the manager should have made some bloody decisions back in April!

Yes, OP knew she didn't have the day authorised, but she doesn't work weekends, did work last Christmas and having been told the decision would be made on a needs basis, fairly assumed she'd be allowed it.

It's a shit show which didn't need to end up like this.

I agree with pp, try and find a new job to start in Jan if possible and then hand in your notice.

I think if you explained to your colleague the whole thing, the hours are 7 till 10 she doesn't go to family till 11 then unless there is some massive reason why not she should do you a favour and work it to help you out in a nice Christmassy goodwill to all men kind of way I actually do think that families with children with disabilities should be prioritised over grown adults who can deal with stuff like slight disappointment that they won't get s lie in but equally I can see that people think that's unfair and why should she have to give it up and also that she too would have plans. So really if you both asked the same time it'd up to the manager and not for the two of you to argue it out but if that's what the boss says it's tough you will have to take the disciplinary.

I think a lot of posters are being unfair about this.

Op, you did everything right and your manager is definitely in the wrong. How likely do you think it is that they would follow through with the disciplinary action if you don't take the shift? How long have you worked there?

I would probably set out in writing that you booked the leave, that it was approved and that you are unable to work as you are a lone parent and have no childcare available.

I'd also start looking for another job because this manager is likely to pull something like this again.

I agree with this, your manager should have arranged for agency cover as soon as you said you had no care and couldn't do the shift, not sure where they think you are going to magic up childcare if you don't have any.

Make it very clear that you are not able to work that day, and if they continue to bury their heads in the sand it is their problem.

YANBU and your colleague is an arsehole.

Good for you for just telling your boss that you won't be available. Your DC comes first, as he should.

I agree with this. OP sounds very balanced and as though she has tried everything she can, and is offering to still work that day, just not those hours.

It’s a shame, because it sounds like prior to this your manager has helped you out around your childcare. It all sounds a mess that’s going to cause a decline in relations all round because of three hours. I’m not blaming anyone particularly- even though I blamed the manager at the start of the thread. Your colleague and manager are not living your life, from the colleague’s point of view you are getting the whole of the Xmas period off and expecting her to give up the one day off she wants to arrange something. Your manager thinks the same and also knows they’ve worked around your childcare issues to help you out where they could in the past, so have made lots of concessions for you, perhaps with difficulty. You can’t help the situation you’re in domestically, it’s not simply wanting to be off to open presents etc, it’s a much bigger need to be home than that, and you’ve tried other things.

What on earth are you talking about? Where have I said that this isn't a management issue and that management were ok to pit one colleague against another. I have said the other colleague could have helped but didn't and that she had the right to refuse. But that objectively it is a selfish choice, because it is as the consequences for the OP are much more severe for the OP than her.

Thank you for telling me that numerous random people on mumsnet disagree , their opinion is very important to me! In case you are interested, I have had management jobs and now I run a very successful business with very happy staff. My head is out of the weeds and haven't imploded yet.

No she isn't, she just wants a Christmas.
This is down to poor management.

In my area they'd be stupid to get rid of you, as they're so short staffed.

I'd email a summary to my manager, detailing all the ways you'd tried to solve the issue. And ask if they still intend to start a disciplinary?

Good to have things in writing

I think you ate missing the point

If your child needs care someone has to provide it

If a person needs care someone has to provide it.

If you have to provide both to both people in separate locations are the same time, it is simply not possible

Caring is not about you. People need you to do things for them for them to live.

There is a govenment scheme that assesses a child's need for care. DLA

DLA is a gateway benefit that allows you, as a single parent carer to claim other benefits. Unpaid Carers cost the state a pittance compared to the cost of professional care. But Financially as a minimum wage full time carer I'll go as far to say, you will not be better off not work than working.

It is breathtakingly selfish to commit to caring for two or more different peoples needs when those needs and responsibilities are incompatible and there is an alternative

Normally I'd be indignant at the suggestion that someone work Christmas day just because they don't have children, but OP in your case it sounds like there's a compelling practical need to be off that your colleague doesn't have. If I were your colleague I'd definitely want you to have it assuming I didn't already have plans I'd spent money on like a trip abroad or something.

You are unable to go in to work because you will have no child care. Child care providers do not open on Christmas day. Just focus on that and no need to do the managers job for them (getting cover for a shift).

Women are always expected to do this. Male parents can sod off and posters will go “no no it’s not suitable to have him look after his child” and then turn around and call an unrelated woman a bitch for not wanting to give up her Christmas for a random child.

I’ve worked 9 Xmases on the trot now because of attitudes like this and it does my head in.