To ask my colleague to withdraw christmas holiday request.

[Jessiejuju]

OK I feel terrible about this but me and my colleague who I get on with quite well normally have both requested Xmas day off but our manager has said that only one of us can have it off and that we need to sort ot out.I have asked her to withdraw her request as her and her husband they have no kids normally go to her husbands parents on Xmas day but they also go everyweek so it's not like they never see them where as I on the other hand have a 4 year old Autistic son he normaly goes to nursery but his nursery closes 1 week before christmas and doesn't open until next year the shift in question is a 3 hour shift between 7 and 10 in the morning so she and her husband could still be at his parents for lunch time where as because I am a single mama and the nurseries are closed I have no one to watch my son yes I could pay someone but it would be extremely expensive and he would most likely be very distressed with having someone he is unfamiliar with in his home plus it would be difficult for said person as my son is non verbal.
I do feel bad asking her to do this but if she won't then I am going to have no choice but to leave my job.

Forgetting the Christmas issue for a minute,
How would it be managed if one of you were sick and the other was on leave?

Whose going to care for a 4 year old autistic child in school holidays? If it is that high needs child it gets harder not easier.

Who is punishing the OP? Clearly the manager dishing out a disciplinary

Yes, this is the crux of the problem.

Management have caused this by failing to deal with Christmas Day holiday requests until three weeks beforehand. If this had been addressed earlier, like in April when the issue first arose, OP would've had a greater chance of being able to find the ad hoc, highly specialist home based childcare she needs. Because this has been left until less than three weeks beforehand, there's a realistic possibility that it will prove impossible.

Obviously this isn't the colleague's fault either, it's piss poor management. The fact that OP and her colleague have been left to resolve this between them is actually further evidence of that.

Op has said she could but it would cost?
Thats why going down the route of "i cant" in advance wouldn't be the best approach imo (and ime) as that would result in a disciplinary for certain.

I'm on ops side and trying to let her know there is a way she can probably avoid anything more than a slapped wrist. Just telling them "no im not doing it"....mmm....depends what the employers appetite for risk is as to what that might result in....

Well said. If MN as a body can't be a bit more supportive of someone who is a single parent (not of her own choosing) of a disabled child (silly her, for not being able to know that in advance), then it is a pretty shitty place.

I would not take the disciplinary, instead I would be pointing out to them that you have already worked Christmas previously and that you also have protection in law (Equality Act) from Indirect Discrimination and that you are now finding that you have a need to take the day off as "Carers Leave", pointing out that the days annual leave would still be available for you to take another time. Dig your heels in for this, then contact another Care agency to let them know you will be available for work in the new year.

There is Care work around that doesn't require working Christmas Day, New Years Day and plans well ahead. We do this for the team we have caring for a family member and we NEVER expect them to work any bank holiday because we recognise the value of family time. The team appreciate this and it shows, they never once let us down all the way through Covid restrictions.

Of course an autistic distressed four year old trumps grown ass adults. So sorry op on mumsnet people fall over themselves to stress how important adult Christmas are , it's like a competition. Of course you are right to to ask.

Take it as emergency carers leave. It's no pay, but they have backed you into a corner. Usually this is for short notice emergencies, but the fact you have no other options means it's still an emergency.

Also, this could be disability discrimination by association, you could take legal advice here.

I can’t believe how bitter some childless women are being towards to a single working mum of a disabled child. But yeah your want of ‘sitting eating chocolate’ trumps her want of having her child safely cared for..thank god I don’t know anyone this horrendously selfish in real life 🤮

Management have caused this by failing to deal with Christmas Day holiday requests until three weeks beforehand. If this had been addressed earlier, like in April when the issue first arose, OP would've had a greater chance of being able to find the ad hoc, highly specialist home based childcare she needs. Because this has been left until less than three weeks beforehand, there's a realistic possibility that it will prove impossible.

But by my reading the OP has known since April that there was a possibility she wouldn’t get Christmas Day off? She was told then that Christmas cover would be addressed in November?

At OP, you sound like you are doing so well. Don't forget that you have options.

It seems a little mean-spirited of your colleague to refuse however I don't know their situation, and you might not entirely, either. You mention your colleague will be with in-laws and is every week - who knows what might be going on there? maybe nothing, and shell just be having the craik, maybe not. What this has shown you is that you are in a job that pays very little and is not flexible or considerate at all of your needs as a single mother.

Back to the options. Look for another job, same role perhaps? Different employer? Or maybe school based oak that has holidays off?If you have a 4 hour shift and will earn £35 (I recall correctly) there might be ancillary school based jobs that you can do for that money?

I'm sorry, I woo would just not work that day and Ill consider myself on notice.

It's a horrible situation for you.

Op has said she could but it would cost? Not quite. She said that if it could be find it would cost more than 3 times what she would earn.

Being supportive doesn't mean that the OP can expect everyone else to take responsibility for your high needs child.

It isnt her colleagues responsibility or her managers.

When you realise you are going to be a single parent to a high needs child you sit and do the sums and make arrangements in good time. Not Bury your head in the sand.

I've read all of your updates. I feel so sorry for you. A disciplinary for not having childcare for a special needs child, on Christmas day?! That is crazy and heartless. If it were me, I'd accept the disciplinary then look for another job in the new year. I wish you all the best.

The OP has been threatened with disciplinary action, the colleague must absolutely understand the seriousness of this to the OP. If they had a reason that was similar to the OPs, they would have said - no need to be specific. I think that it safe to conclude the just want Christmas day off. While management are ultimately entirely unreasonable and I agree that the OP should look at escalating this, the colleague is unfortunately the one in the position to help and is refusing despite knowing the outcome of her actions. Looking at this objectively, she is within her rights to do this but it is an incredibly selfish thing to do.

I can't believe the amount of ignorance on this thread about autism. Absolutely mind boggling! Ignore the comments about entitlement and children and all the rest of it. Lots of people just don't get it unfortunately. Best of luck with your situation. Sorry it's so hard.

@Jessiejuju I really feel for you as you are in such a difficult situation. You have done the right thing by informing your manager that you will not be attending that shift- it is their job to sort out and you've been very reasonable offering to swap to boxing day or even a later shift Xmas day. Try not to worry about the disciplinary- they'd be mad to get rid of you as an experienced carer when most care agencies are struggling so badly to recruit and retain staff. I hope you can come to a solution and have a lovely Christmas with your son xxx

Sorry but pp's saying its whoever asked first gets it are being ridiculous. Your manager needs to sort this.

You're just absolving the management's incompetence by putting it all on the colleague.

Not sure if you're implying she's a troll or making up that her NT child has SEN with your "if this is actually true" comment.

She doesn't expect it off every year. . She worked it last year. As a one off, she needs extra help this year as she's now a single parent.

Presumably the colleague hasn't asked for any other leave off over Xmas and doesn't want it, otherwise their other shifts would clash too and they're not. This isn't op forcing her colleague to work so she doesn't have to.

Ultimately tho if he's given one AL and one can't do it, he needs to sort it, not op or her colleague.

Talk about going backwards as a society- lets kick the boot in to a lone parent, in a care working job, who has worked Christmases and her child is autistic, on 'Mumsnet' of all places, the hate for Mums should not be on here!

I've worked in admin for a care home. The owners paid triple time Xmas Day and NYE and double time the other BH's. I don't think OP's colleague is being unreasonable as she may be going out Xmas Eve. One of the issues we were aware of was that staff had to be fit to drive when on duty.

How many of you would feel it okay for a staff member to be paid £35 for a 3 hr shift on Xmas Day when her childcare is £100. The Manager has to get in emergency cover and not expect staff to suffer financial losses. They need to treat their staff with a bit more consideration. However listening to a care home in Penzance on BBC news saying they had empty beds due to lack of staffing and I know a former colleague in Cornwall has the same issues. She said care needs to treated as a profession and staff as key workers. Is it a third of the beds in Cornwall's hospital being blocked due to no ongoing care? The lack of affordable housing - too many Airbnb's - make it difficult here.

The CEO of the NCA was saying that the sector needs the funding upgraded now

Join a union (Unison?) if you haven’t, and talk to them - they will help you negotiate with your boss and push back with your HR if needed.

I think the sensible solution is for your manager to bring in agency cover which can be done in care work.

It sounds reasonable that you can’t cover it, but it’s not reasonable to expect your colleague to do it for you, as she booked it first and you do have the rest of the 2 weeks off. I do understand your situation is challenging, but that doesn’t negate other people’s needs.

But she tried to make arrangements in April by booking leave. He refused to sort it. Even with 7 month notice the childcare she needs is likely impossible or prohibitively expensive - 6 am or earlier in Xmas morning until just before lunch for a non verbal child who likely is still in pads and might have other physical care needs in addition to his autism