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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my colleague to withdraw christmas holiday request.

1000 replies

Jessiejuju · 05/12/2022 09:17

OK I feel terrible about this but me and my colleague who I get on with quite well normally have both requested Xmas day off but our manager has said that only one of us can have it off and that we need to sort ot out.I have asked her to withdraw her request as her and her husband they have no kids normally go to her husbands parents on Xmas day but they also go everyweek so it's not like they never see them where as I on the other hand have a 4 year old Autistic son he normaly goes to nursery but his nursery closes 1 week before christmas and doesn't open until next year the shift in question is a 3 hour shift between 7 and 10 in the morning so she and her husband could still be at his parents for lunch time where as because I am a single mama and the nurseries are closed I have no one to watch my son yes I could pay someone but it would be extremely expensive and he would most likely be very distressed with having someone he is unfamiliar with in his home plus it would be difficult for said person as my son is non verbal.
I do feel bad asking her to do this but if she won't then I am going to have no choice but to leave my job.

OP posts:
CheeseIsMyPatronus · 05/12/2022 10:24

YABU

I understand your situation, but you have known since April that you may well have to work Christmas Day and you didn't organise any back up plan. You just hoped it would all pan out in your favour.

Your colleague only has ONE day off, and I don't blame her for not being prepared to come in for a 3 hour shift. It doesn't just affect her that moring, she can't go out Christmas Eve either if she's working in the moring.

Yes, care will be far more than you'll earn but presumably you've holiday pay etc to helpm cover it and it means keeping your job while you find something suitable.

I hope you are able to find suitable care, but at heart this is something you should have been looking into months ago.

OwwwMuuuum · 05/12/2022 10:24

WeepingSomnambulist · 05/12/2022 10:22

@OwwwMuuuum

I hope you dont ever plan on running a business. If that's how you would decide who got which holiday days accepted than you'd find yourself being taken the tribunal.

How do you know I haven’t?

Im flabbergasted at the judgement on display here! It’s ugly!

MXVIT · 05/12/2022 10:25

I'm not saying that it means nothing I'm just saying that if she would work the shift it would not affect her and her husbands plans his parents live 30 minutes away and they don't get there until 11 anyway where as I would have to pay £100+ for proper childcare to work a shift u would get £35 for.

Sorry to be blunt but who are you AT ALL to tell people what would and wouldn't affect their plans. My god the entitlement!

Also, you are saying it means nothing. You are absolutely saying that as a "single mama" any time you need off at this time of year trumps anyone without children - whether you mean to or not, that is what you have said and inferred. Just to be clear.

You have the full two weeks off bar this day - two weeks off at christmas is an absolute luxury, and one you shouldn't be expecting every year because "oh but I'm a mama" - but I daresay you will be expecting it every year.

Did you work xmas day last year? If so then you're taking the mick a bit expecting it this year.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2022 10:25

Tessabelle74 · 05/12/2022 10:22

@Katapolts she's had 7 months to arrange something! She could have easily found and got to know a babysitter in this time! She's just assumed she can guilt trip her colleague into working and good for the colleague for sticking to her guns! If her relatives are elderly, it could well be their last Christmas!

Read the updates. She didn't have 7 months planning time, the boss looked recently and decided it was too hard so he's not sorting it.

Southwig22 · 05/12/2022 10:25

YABU solely because your reasoning is essentially "I have kids and they don't, therefore I'm more important".

ReneBumsWombats · 05/12/2022 10:25

OwwwMuuuum · 05/12/2022 10:13

Yes, I’m a SAHM and will be hosting a houseful over Xmas.

Show quote history

Is that a shark you're jumping over?

AllOfThemWitches · 05/12/2022 10:25

Mumsnet overall is fucking clueless when it comes to the realities of having disabled children. Finding childcare is nigh on impossible, for a start. My son is 10 and has NEVER been 'babysat,' even for an hour. It simply wouldn't work.

Tessabelle74 · 05/12/2022 10:25

@GrinAndVomit the OP has had 7 months to sort the childcare, it wasn't just dropped on her this week. She could have arranged with a member of nursery staff to have her child as they're off work, found and got to know a local teen to babysit, her mum could have swapped shifts etc etc etc. Having a child of any needs whatsoever means YOU sort your childcare out, not your colleagues problem.

familyissues12345 · 05/12/2022 10:25

LimeCheesecake · 05/12/2022 10:23

So you both asked for Christmas Day off- you were clear you had no childcare and that’s why you needed the day off and then your employees decided they would leave it until November to give you (and your colleague) an answer?

That’s such shitty system by your employer. by refusing to give you an answer until end of November, they have ensured it’s now impossible for you to find childcare.

I presume your colleagues leave also hasn’t been approved so you need to put it back to your manager, you can’t sort it between you. You have no childcare. You are unable to work that day, you are prepared to cancel your leave on Boxing Day and X other days. State again to your manger than if they’d made the decision back in April when you applied for leave, you might have had time to make childcare arrangements but by leaving it until now, it is too late.

definately look for a new job in the new year, this is a terrible way to arrange shifts on bank holidays.

Absolutely agree with this!

Lampshadered · 05/12/2022 10:26

the simple fact is your colleague got in there first months ago

That's not at all a fact @Survey99

At least read the OP's posts before trying to make her feel like shit.

Oh and it is a manager's responsibility to decide who gets what leave.

PinkFrogss · 05/12/2022 10:27

You said in an earlier post you don’t work weekends, how long has this been the case for, and is Christmas the only weekend you’re expected to work or have there been others as well?

Are you on a zero hours contract?

You may be able to argue that it is outside your working hours and they cannot change this without going through a reasonable process.

AllOfThemWitches · 05/12/2022 10:27

You have the full two weeks off bar this day - two weeks off at christmas is an absolute luxury, and one you shouldn't be expecting every year because "oh but I'm a mama" - but I daresay you will be expecting it every year.

Trust me, caring for your severely disabled child alone for 2 weeks is no 'luxury.' You're deluded.

GrinAndVomit · 05/12/2022 10:27

Tessabelle74 · 05/12/2022 10:25

@GrinAndVomit the OP has had 7 months to sort the childcare, it wasn't just dropped on her this week. She could have arranged with a member of nursery staff to have her child as they're off work, found and got to know a local teen to babysit, her mum could have swapped shifts etc etc etc. Having a child of any needs whatsoever means YOU sort your childcare out, not your colleagues problem.

No she hasn’t. Read the full thread.

It is close to, if not completely, impossible to get childcare on Christmas Day for a non-verbal autistic child still in nappies.

lipstickwoman · 05/12/2022 10:27

FictionalCharacter · 05/12/2022 09:25

It's the manager's responsibility to make the decision. They shouldn't be asking the employees to sort it out between themselves.

I imagine their manager has bigger things to think about. Managers aren't their to sort out squabbles like a nursery teacher.

I'd give it to whoever worked last year.

FTY765 · 05/12/2022 10:27

Sorry, but I think YABU to expect colleague to swap, especially at short notice. You can ask, but she certainly doesn't have to agree. How do we know her exact situation (for those calling her selfish, etc- people only share what they want to, and she doesn't owe an explanation to anybody)
You have the entire two weeks off, so I assume are working none of Christmas/NY? Every care company I have worked for has not allowed any AL over Christmas in the first place because nobody wants to work any of it and it's not fair to allow one or two people to have it all off.

When did you find out Christmas Day was rejected?

familyissues12345 · 05/12/2022 10:30

Have I missed something, how has your colleague got the opinion that this isn't up for discussion OP? Does she believe that she put in the leave request first?

OwwwMuuuum · 05/12/2022 10:30

ReneBumsWombats · 05/12/2022 10:25

Is that a shark you're jumping over?

Show quote history

What does that mean?

PinkFrogss · 05/12/2022 10:30

Other option I’d look at OP is honestly just applying for benefits and quitting. You’d have to do it asap.

Care work is crying out for staff everywhere so it’s hard to imagine you’d find a new role later down the line.

But being a single parent to a child with a complex disability, and trying to work, is not easy. There should be benefits you can access (UC with disabled child element, housing element if you rent, carers allowance, PIP)

Hellno44 · 05/12/2022 10:30

I would write to the manager explaining that you don't have childcare. You have tried to source childcare and are unable to. You will be unable to work that day and are notifying them in advance so they don't have staff shortage. If he feels the need to disapline you the then so be it.

He is the manager so let him manage. He could work. He could hire agency ultimately he could sack you but I certainly wouldn't quit.

MXVIT · 05/12/2022 10:30

AllOfThemWitches · 05/12/2022 10:27

You have the full two weeks off bar this day - two weeks off at christmas is an absolute luxury, and one you shouldn't be expecting every year because "oh but I'm a mama" - but I daresay you will be expecting it every year.

Trust me, caring for your severely disabled child alone for 2 weeks is no 'luxury.' You're deluded.

You've deliberately misinterpreted what I said.

Securing two weeks off in an industry that does not close over christmas IS a luxury, not a right.

Nowhere did I say that what OP is having to do in that time is "luxurious"

Maybe its time to look for work in a field where christmas hours arent so contentious.

I feel sympathy for the OP but her reasoning of "I have kids you dont therefore how dare you not bend to my will" is entitlement at its worst.

I agree that this is the manager's fault, pair of them should push it back to the manager and say you got us in this mess by sitting on our requests for more than six months.

Flapjackquack · 05/12/2022 10:31

Bobbins36 · 05/12/2022 10:04

@Flapjackquack but OP stated that whilst same day request one was approved before the other, perfectly reasonable, could have been requested opposite ends of the day. OP could have got wind of colleagues request and submitted hers. Fact is colleague had earlier approval. In April! OP should have done something about this before now instead of trying to guilt trip her colleague over her Xmas plans which were likely fixed long before now.

@Bobbins36 - I can’t see where OP said her colleague submitted theirs first. Can you let me know where you read that?

Guitarbar · 05/12/2022 10:31

You have the rest of the 2 weeks off, I expect as you got in there first others are going without. I think your manager is being fair to be honest to say that your colleague, who is by the sound of it working the rest of the festive period has it. I used to hate sorting Christmas leave when I was childfree because of this type of thing.

FTY765 · 05/12/2022 10:31

GrinAndVomit · 05/12/2022 10:22

Did your partner abandon you and disappear a few months ago?
Do you have a non-verbal autistic child?
Do you have limited support from adults to care for your non-verbal autistic child still in nappies?

Show quote history

In the nicest possible way, none of that is any of the other colleagues problem. It's managements problem to sort out, they have not. Thats on them.
I would swap in this situation, but nobody has or should be expected to.

Tessabelle74 · 05/12/2022 10:33

@GrinAndVomit I've read the updates, the OP clearly says she had her holidays bar Christmas day approved in April

To ask my colleague to withdraw christmas holiday request.
mitsy5 · 05/12/2022 10:33

My work doesn’t shut over Christmas. I’d love to have every Christmas Day off, however I went into the job knowing there was a chance I’d have to work the odd Christmas Day, so I can’t complain. I have children but so do other colleagues and those that don’t still have families, grandchildren etc. This might sound tough but your child is your responsibility, not your colleagues.

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