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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified at the number of women financially vulnerable

261 replies

Mammalamb · 04/12/2022 21:30

Every time I’ve been on mn recently, there is yet another thread about a woman being financially abused : used by her “d” p.

do we need some sort of financial literacy or something for young women? Do we need some more help around self esteem for women to stop them putting up with this shit?

personally, I think if you’re going to be having kids or living together, then get married. Appreciate not everyone wants marriage. But if you don’t, make sure you are financially protected

OP posts:
ReallyTiredAndHungry · 04/12/2022 21:31

I think educational standards for many on here are low in general, so although dedicated education on the issue would be helpful, I’m not sure it would help the generally ignorant

Sheedde · 04/12/2022 21:33

I’d say make sure you are financially independent and this should be promoted at schools and college. In fact financial education to both girls and boys would be useful. So many people haven’t got a clue when it comes to financial matters which is probably what the government wants.

Whatmarbles · 04/12/2022 21:35

Yanbu but yabu to think that everybody can be financially protected.

If you live from pay cheque to pay cheque how can you put money away into an escape fund?

donttellmehesalive · 04/12/2022 21:36

Already done at school within PSHE. This one can be passed to their parents. Or at what point in adulthood is it your own financial responsibility.

mackthepony · 04/12/2022 21:38

Girls and women need to be seriously educated about financal literacy.

Instead they depend on men, which never ends well due to the imbalance of power.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 04/12/2022 21:41

It's not really that. OP is probably thinking of threads like the one in trending at the moment where an older woman has lived with a man for 24 years, unmarried, her name not on deeds, she has not contributed to the mortgage, and he is selling up and proposing to pay her off with a tiny fraction of what the house will sell for. Some people are very trusting and believe their partner will never treat them like this. Unfortunately many of them are going to find out the hard way that some people really are that greedy, self-centred and unscrupulous.

In many of those cases, getting legal advice at the outset and/or getting married would have prevented a lot of heartache.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 04/12/2022 21:42

(Escape fund, I mean.)

Original poster
Mammalamb · 04/12/2022 21:50

Whatmarbles · 04/12/2022 21:35

Yanbu but yabu to think that everybody can be financially protected.

If you live from pay cheque to pay cheque how can you put money away into an escape fund?

That’s true. But as far as possible, make sure you are protected: don’t give up work to be a sahm when you’re not even married. Don’t go part time and do the lions share of the childcare and struggle while he gets to work full time and keep his money. Make sure your name’s on the deeds of the house

OP posts:
Ilovemybed2022 · 04/12/2022 21:52

It’s a mixture of threads that I’ve read over the last few weeks.. all along a theme... I can’t believe people are valuing themselves so low that they put up with this

Whatmarbles · 04/12/2022 21:58

Mammalamb · 04/12/2022 21:50

That’s true. But as far as possible, make sure you are protected: don’t give up work to be a sahm when you’re not even married. Don’t go part time and do the lions share of the childcare and struggle while he gets to work full time and keep his money. Make sure your name’s on the deeds of the house

Show quote history

After seeing my mother screwed over by my own father, I will never be financially vulnerable.
I was a sahm and then went part-time but my dh was always very generous and was aware I used to put money away even back then. I still add to it now and if it ever came to it, I could walk out tomorrow without a bye or leave, as could he.

FurierTransform · 04/12/2022 22:03

Yes I agree, but people need to take responsibility for their own education.

I completely understand why men increasingly don't want to get married - many many years of news stories of them being screwed over in divorce was obviously going to only lead one way.

Tali5ker · 04/12/2022 22:07

I keep telling myself that there’s just more of it on MN because of the concentrating effect of a largely anonymous forum. I bloody hope so anyway! I am horrified by the sheer number of women h who have got themselves into precarious positions….. and then compound the problem by having more children!

I don’t know what the answer is. I do think we need to talk more about the fact it is completely possible to get married without a wedding. I think the finance and stress of a wedding puts some people off, or at least is the factor a man can use to tell a woman why he doesn’t want to marry.

if more women realised it was possible to pay £70 and be married and this protected, perhaps that would help at least for them to realise that the “I don’t want a wedding” excuse is BS.

VejaVagVagina · 04/12/2022 22:08

"For young women" how incredibly ageist!

AllyCatTown · 04/12/2022 22:14

I wonder if it’s a self esteem issue as well. Maybe women recognise they’re not in the best position but are scared to be assertive. It doesn’t help that it’s still seen as the done thing for men to propose.

MichelleScarn · 04/12/2022 22:17

FurierTransform · 04/12/2022 22:03

Yes I agree, but people need to take responsibility for their own education.

I completely understand why men increasingly don't want to get married - many many years of news stories of them being screwed over in divorce was obviously going to only lead one way.

This, and it's always someone else's fault...

millymollymoomoo · 04/12/2022 22:17

Women need to have more aspirations, to have higher paid careers, not give up independence and not rely on a man to keep them

50plusandfabulous · 04/12/2022 22:22

I read these threads and despair. Childcare was expensive twenty plus years ago when my DS was small but now it’s astronomical, so I can see why so many mums don’t go back to work. My DH wasn’t a sharer of money and I sussed out pretty quickly that I would be paddling my own canoe , sad but true and our marriage has now broken down . I slogged my guts out working full time, juggling sickness , ageing family , travel and professional qualifications . Yes it’s paying dividends now as I have a successful career and I’m financially independent , but it wasn’t easy.
Not being married in the UK renders women Bert vulnerable once kids come along and so many men will sell their kids down the river without a second thought. Depressing.

StarDolphins · 04/12/2022 22:26

I’ve always been financially independent - I’ve also always had low paid jobs too but I’ve done without to ensure I have savings. I had it drilled into me as a child to always save & never, ever leave yourself vulnerable. Imagine wanting desperately to get away from someone but can’t because you can’t afford to. It would be my worst nightmare.

I would also never live with anyone unless I was on the deeds.

Awrite · 04/12/2022 22:27

As long as I am fit I will always work full time.

I have brought dd (and ds) to be the same.

Being financially independent means freedom.

I suspect growing up poor, watching my Mum struggle with her mental health and then flourish when she returned to work helped to instill such a work ethic.

unsync · 04/12/2022 22:30

Males need educating about not being abusive.

Womencanlift · 04/12/2022 22:33

My mum has never been in an abusive relationship of any sort but she still managed to pass on to my sister and I two “rules to live by” that I will always respect her for:

  1. If a man lifts a hand to you, even once, you leave
  2. Always stay financially independent

Working in financial services I see why number 2 is more important than people think. I would never have just a joint account, bills yes but my salary gets paid into my account and then my contribution to the household gets paid and not the other way around

It always makes my shudder when I see threads from women saying they have no access to an independent source of money

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2022 22:39

Two things would go a long way towards eliminating this:

  1. For marriage to be decontaminated of the religious/moral/romantic nonsense which clouds women's approach to it. It still stuns me how so many people I know (and I'm educated and from a fairly comfortable background) thought you get married because you love someone and you want a sign of fidelity. At root, marriage is insurance to protect the weaker partner in the marriage (usually, though not always, the woman) against periods when they are not working. It's essential if you want to take any significant time off work to raise children. Other than that its basically redundant and is an actively bad idea if the woman is wealthier. The fact that women want to get married because they think it will stop a man cheating on them, or because they want to wear a frilly white dress or worry about floral arrangements is just ludicrously antiquated and backwards and its time we educated girls about what it means, properly and without the Disney nonsense.
  2. Proper subsidised childcare which would enable women to be able to go back to work to support themselves (when ready) after having children. It's just a really bad idea to rely on another adult for money for a significant period of your life. Yes its fine for a few years when your children are very young (see point 1) but you can't have any real control if you're dependent on a man for money indefinitely. Even marriage isn't a guarantee against financial abuse. If it were affordable for women to work it would lift a large amount of them out of financial dependency and poverty.
FurElsie · 04/12/2022 22:41

One major difference in UK is that marriage/cohabitation laws need updating. In Australia (I don't know if it's the same in other countries) if you live together for 3 years (I think) you have the same rights as if you are married.

Spectre8 · 04/12/2022 22:43

Myabe parents can take some responsibility for teaching their children these things instead.

bluejelly · 04/12/2022 22:46

It's not just financial education, it's feminism full stop (which includes not ever leaving yourself financially vulnerable in a relationship.)

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