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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified at the number of women financially vulnerable

261 replies

Mammalamb · 04/12/2022 21:30

Every time I’ve been on mn recently, there is yet another thread about a woman being financially abused : used by her “d” p.

do we need some sort of financial literacy or something for young women? Do we need some more help around self esteem for women to stop them putting up with this shit?

personally, I think if you’re going to be having kids or living together, then get married. Appreciate not everyone wants marriage. But if you don’t, make sure you are financially protected

OP posts:
Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 06/12/2022 07:25

Glad I don’t live in Australia, then. I believe strongly that people should marry, assuming they understand the legal implications of doing so (or indeed, of not marrying). But marriage is no longer for me and there is no way I would do it again. Happy to live with someone but I am always upfront about it fro the offset - I have worked hard, and my parents worked hard, for me to have what I have today. It needs to be passed to my children when I die. Not getting married again makes that a whole lot easier. It is unreasonable, I believe, to not give people that option.

Ginmonkeyagain · 06/12/2022 07:53

How does the Defacto law treat someone who is still married but as chosen to have a relationship with someone else? This happens. Does already being married prevent someone from getting Defacto status even if they live with someone for years?

Also how are Defacto rights and responsibilities dissolved? So say I rented a house with a partner for four years, our relationship is declared Defacto but we have not merged finances through choice. In the UK all we could need to do is cancel the tenancy and go our separate ways (bar the odd squabble about a shared TV or sofa). Does there need to be some sort of official dissolution or is it deemed over as soon as partners agree to go their separate ways?

NippyWoowoo · 06/12/2022 16:01

WondrousWinger · 06/12/2022 06:59

the only two choices in the UK are church or registry office. That's the only two choices. If you aren't religious, your only choice is a tiny registry office. That's sad in 2022 that you can't get married on a beach or mountain, it MUST be in a church building or government building

Not sure where you're getting your info on the UK from but that's not the case at all 😂

I've been to many weddings over the years, only two in a church and never in a registry office.

2 of my friends got married in castles with civil ceremonies. Lol

SirMingeALot · 06/12/2022 16:10

If anything I think the majority of castles, stately homes and country piles do weddings!

Kpo58 · 07/12/2022 14:27

Ginmonkeyagain · 05/12/2022 09:56

But what I don't understand about that is why wouldn't you just get married if you want the full protections? Marriage is nothing more than a legal contract that covers those eventualities. Getting that contract isn't expensive or onerous.

My partner and I live together and are not married. This is a decision we have made fully aware of the facts. There are various circumstances that mean marriage is not right for us at this time. So we have crated our own "marriage-lite" by picking and putting in place the legal protections that are important and relevant to us right now - wills, deed of trust, names on the deeds of the mortgage, nominations for DiS benefits and pension pay outs). That all cost us a couple of days of time and about £500 in legal fees.

This works for us as we are both healthy adults able to work full time and do not have children together.

We have created a situation that works for us.

What I think would be good is:

  • greater information about the lack of protections unmarried couples have and what steps you might want to take to protect yourself in a relationship. Perhaps tailored to different circumstances - eg buying property, illness, having children, claiming benefits.
  • better access to advice and standard legal products that people can use to protect themselves - wills, deeds of trust etc..
  • better understanding that marriage/civil partnership, when it comes down to it is a legal contract and what that means. If you want a party/religious ceremony/public declaration of love - you can do that any time and in any way you wish. But marriage is a legal contract that gives you both rights and responsibilities Nothing more, nothing less.

Surely your "marriage lite" is only as good as when it was signed on the day? How would you know if your partner went back to the solicitors the next day and put someone else and a secret love child as the person who inherits instead of you? It still seems like a vulnerable position to be in to me.

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/12/2022 14:42

Well yeah but he could do that if we were married as well.

Crucially we own our property as joint tenants so he can't leave it to someone else.

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/12/2022 15:03

And importsntly it goes both ways, I also could choose to leave some of my money to someone else.

I am not vulnerable just by dint of being a woman. I have my own money and assets and career We have no children together.

If we had children or if there were huge disparities in our income/earning power or assets there would be different choices.

SirMingeALot · 07/12/2022 15:07

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/12/2022 14:42

Well yeah but he could do that if we were married as well.

Crucially we own our property as joint tenants so he can't leave it to someone else.

It's more difficult to disinherit a spouse because they have a stronger claim if they want to challenge a will. Also, either party can unilaterally sever a joint tenancy and won't need the permission of the other.

Obviously some people would view these as positive things, its a matter of opinion and personal priorities. But it's a different legal position.

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/12/2022 15:12

Well yes I know. I am not married because I don't want to get married. I am not under the impression my position is the same as marriage. I have just put in certain legal arrangements to cover some specific circumstances (death, relationship breakdown) that currently work for me and my partner at this time.

If I wanted the full responibilities and rights of marriage then I would get married.

SirMingeALot · 07/12/2022 15:34

Of course. The main thing is to understand the distinction. In this instance, it would be easier for your partner to disinherit you now than if you were married, and holding a joint tenancy now doesn't prevent that, but it's for you to decide what importance to assign to those issues. Completely depends on what you want.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 07/12/2022 18:47

And importsntly it goes both ways, I also could choose to leave some of my money to someone else

my partner and I have each done this.

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