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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel comfortable with DH putting cameras up all over the house?

415 replies

Iwantyourmidnights · 04/12/2022 10:04

Please help settle a debate between DH and I.

We have a toddler DS who does lots of the usual adorable/funny/unexpected things, and DH keeps talking about installing cameras in every room in the house so that we can capture all of the funny candid moments. For example today he did something funny with our cat in our bedroom while I was getting dressed, I told DH about it and straight away he said 'this is why we should have cameras up!'.

I do kind of get where he's coming from, DS is his first child, he's an absolutely doting father and he loves taking and watching videos of him and watching him grow up. However, I've just started mat leave and before that worked from home full time. I said to him that I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing I was being filmed all day long when I'm at home alone. Especially in our bedroom where we sleep/get dressed/sometimes enjoy, ahem, private time!

DH thinks I'm the weird one and most people would be fine with being filmed 24/7 big brother style. I think he is terrible at empathy and seeing things from the perspective of others, and most people would feel uncomfortable as I do.

To avoid the inevitable LTB pile on, I just want to say I'm 100% certain there's no hidden abusive/nefarious reason why he wants to put cameras up.

So:

YABU - there's nothing wrong with living under 24/7 surveillance in your own home, stop being a weirdo.

YANBU - DH is the weirdo wanting to film every moment of every day on the off chance DS does something funny.

OP posts:
Baileysandmincepie · 04/12/2022 11:09

I put cameras up in the living area, kitchen , entrances and upstairs hall

we have a teenager with autism who does some dangerous things sometimes so we need them on if we are out

wickerhearth · 04/12/2022 11:09

No way, you gonna be like in some horrible 24/7 reality show.

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 11:09

I'm definitely sure he doesn't want to monitor me, he's very laid back and trusting
That's a surprisingly weird and controlling way to behave .....for a laid-back trusting person isn't it!

Nicknacky · 04/12/2022 11:11

Vitalsigning · 04/12/2022 11:08

Of course they will search each room, but if they know everyone is upstairs for example that makes it a bit easier on arrival.

It also helps if the alarm has put people off entering further so the police can then respond to a different call or deprioritise.

We’ve had a response before, so know how it works.

Its also weird how you totally ignore the aspect of monitoring from the alarm company in terms of other emergency services, which is actually a massive benefit for the internal cameras.

Show quote history

I haven’t ignored anything, are you suggesting the security company monitor your cameras in case there is a medical emergency?

And take my word for it, the cameras may be helpful in a mansion the size of yours but there will still be a time lag so won’t be taken as gospel.

Do you have cameras in the toilet and bathrooms?

RishisProudMum · 04/12/2022 11:12

Iwantyourmidnights · 04/12/2022 10:45

@FermisLeftFoot that's the reason I've posted, he's genuinely curious as to whether or not most people would be okay with it.

Honestly no reason to believe it's a controlling or abusive thing, but knowing MN was prepared for those responses!

Have you shown him the thread, in that case? What was his response?

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/12/2022 11:12

Vitalsigning · 04/12/2022 10:16

YABU based on your options.

We have cameras up everywhere, as do most of my friends, co-workers, family etc. it’s not uncommon

but not everyone feels the same, even if 90% of the population are fine with it, you’re not so that’s it.

It is not usual ! You know a funny bunch of people PP.

Most people wouldn’t be happy with this at all.

You just need to say to your husband that you aren’t comfortable with the invasion of privacy and you want to bring your son up to be careful of his own privacy and to respect other peoples. So while you know he means well, it’s a hard no.

Floydthebarber · 04/12/2022 11:12

No, I think creepy sums it up. Is he planning on getting home from work and scrolling through hours of video to see a slightly cute sneeze? Will there be sound captured to? What age does it stop? Will you let people who visit know that your dh is going to be reviewing it later?

I know when they are little you control thier whole lives and the idea of privacy for a two year old is ridiculous but it is something you need to consider. Children need to understand that they can have a space just for them, that some things are private and that is ok and if they can't consent to not being filmed changing in their own bedroom then how can you explain consent in any other part of their life.

Trollsintheforest · 04/12/2022 11:12

Vitalsigning · 04/12/2022 11:06

The feed starts after a first trigger alarm.

Odd the amount of people with such strong views yet 0 understanding of how the systems work…that’s Mn for you though Grin

Show quote history

Yeah, because you pay the security company money and are allowing them to film your house, if the alarm goes off and they can’t see anything it saves them money not having to go to your house. We had a cat who triggered the alarm (even though we had paid for them to make sure the cat couldn’t trigger it), the company called us to say they couldn’t see anything so it was probably just the cat..would we still like them to go and check? Eh yes, that is what we paid for. They said but it will take us an hour to get there. Not paying for that anymore..

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/12/2022 11:13

However, I've just started mat leave and before that worked from home full time

Hmmm. Did he suggest cameras before, or did it coincide with you being on ML? and cameras all over the place is the very reverse of 'laid back and trusting.' are you absolutely sure it's just your DS he wants to watch?

Oilyoilyoilgob · 04/12/2022 11:15

Regularsizedrudy · 04/12/2022 10:48

It’s really really not common. Do you have a side line in camera sales or something 😂

Show quote history

I was about to say this, it’s definitely not normal - Mumsnet or not 😄 Nobody I know family/friends/acquaintances or work colleagues have cameras watching big brother like in their homes 😬

Oooooooooooooh · 04/12/2022 11:16

Vitalsigning · 04/12/2022 10:52

They tie into our police link, so if someone breaks in the police are notified, they are also then given live updates as to which rooms are impacted, so they don’t waste time when they attend.

They’re also monitored by the alarm company, so in the event of a break in they will live monitor all rooms to ensure if anything happens they can also call for ambulances or other emergency services.

Show quote history

Fucking hell where on earth to you live ?

Smartstuffed · 04/12/2022 11:16

Surveilling the OP may not be her husband's intention but that could change if he's going to trawl through hours of footage for the 'precious' moments. He'll undoubtedly see his wife going about her day and that might pique his interest.

Dontaskdontget · 04/12/2022 11:18

YANBU.

I went round someone’s house who had cameras everywhere. DC felt incredibly uncomfortable about it, none of us could leave quick enough and we will be finding excuses to not go back!

It doesn’t matter if your DH doesn’t manage to capture every cute moment on film, that’s what memory is for.

It does matter if you and DC grow up constantly obsevred and recorded.

You don’t need to explain or justify this to DH. Just say “No, I would hate that.”

Vitalsigning · 04/12/2022 11:19

Nicknacky · 04/12/2022 11:11

I haven’t ignored anything, are you suggesting the security company monitor your cameras in case there is a medical emergency?

And take my word for it, the cameras may be helpful in a mansion the size of yours but there will still be a time lag so won’t be taken as gospel.

Do you have cameras in the toilet and bathrooms?

Show quote history

Yes, they monitor until the police arrive in the event of a 2+ sensor trigger.

If they see anything that requires more than just the police they will contact for other emergency services. They also have a team whose one job is to keep open comms with the police who have been sent to attend.

We have cameras in all rooms, however the angles in bathroom and toilet are focused on doors and windows, so do not actually cover the toilet, bath, shower etc.

Its weird you think you understand the system we have installed more than the people who chose, pay and have experienced it. As said before, we have had a call out before and the above process is what happened. The police were given updates via live monitoring and it was then easy for them to see it was a false alarm and deprioritise the call. We have to pay yearly for a URN and for the fee to get the police response (just like businesses do with the same system in place)

CarefreeMe · 04/12/2022 11:21

YANBU

You don’t need to capture every second of your life.

It sounds like he watches these videos on the internet that get loads of likes and wants to join in.

I know lots of people who have cameras everywhere for safety reasons.
But I don’t think this is necessary.

If it’s for safety reasons then get one in the hallway and front and back door.

Everyone deserves privacy, especially in their own homes.

Vitalsigning · 04/12/2022 11:21

Oooooooooooooh · 04/12/2022 11:16

Fucking hell where on earth to you live ?

Show quote history

A quaint villiage in the Oxfordshire countryside. Unfortunately you can never be too safe. We had a break in at a previous home and honestly I’ve never once regretted installing the system we have in place now, gives total peace of mind.

beastlyslumber · 04/12/2022 11:21

Has anyone read the fantastic Ira Levin novel, Sliver?

YANBU, OP. It's very creepy and disturbing.

He doesn't own you or DC - he has no right to watch you all the time. Even children have a right to the privacy of their own bodies.

Bewitched005 · 04/12/2022 11:21

No way would I want cameras in my home.

Nicknacky · 04/12/2022 11:22

Vitalsigning · 04/12/2022 11:19

Yes, they monitor until the police arrive in the event of a 2+ sensor trigger.

If they see anything that requires more than just the police they will contact for other emergency services. They also have a team whose one job is to keep open comms with the police who have been sent to attend.

We have cameras in all rooms, however the angles in bathroom and toilet are focused on doors and windows, so do not actually cover the toilet, bath, shower etc.

Its weird you think you understand the system we have installed more than the people who chose, pay and have experienced it. As said before, we have had a call out before and the above process is what happened. The police were given updates via live monitoring and it was then easy for them to see it was a false alarm and deprioritise the call. We have to pay yearly for a URN and for the fee to get the police response (just like businesses do with the same system in place)

Show quote history

But if it is purely for safety/security when not have them monitor the bath and toilet? I’ve been to many a sudden death over the years where people have taken ill in those places.

After all, you don’t mind the monitoring company watch you get dressed/have sex etc so what real difference does it make if like you say it’s for safety and security and not surveillance?

Clymene · 04/12/2022 11:24

But why @Vitalsigning?

Nicknacky · 04/12/2022 11:24

@Vitalsigning And even with “open comms” there is always a time lag, I’m surprised you don’t understand that.

HelpMeCope85 · 04/12/2022 11:25

Weird.com No No No and he knows it’s weird

Tricyrtis2022 · 04/12/2022 11:26

Good grief, no bloody way would I agree to being filmed all the time at home.

Consider how a child would feel when they come to realise they've spent years of their life being filmed. It's chilling.

I did some growing up in an institution and, whilst there were no cameras rolling, we were watched constantly and there was no privacy at all. I loathed it and even thinking back to those days makes me feel uncomfortable.

Letthesunshineonin · 04/12/2022 11:27

This is so ridiculous/weird/creepy it’s off the scale.

Vitalsigning · 04/12/2022 11:28

Nicknacky · 04/12/2022 11:22

But if it is purely for safety/security when not have them monitor the bath and toilet? I’ve been to many a sudden death over the years where people have taken ill in those places.

After all, you don’t mind the monitoring company watch you get dressed/have sex etc so what real difference does it make if like you say it’s for safety and security and not surveillance?

Show quote history

It’s not for when people are taken ill, at this point I’m not sure if you’re purposely misunderstanding or just aren’t that bright.

How do you think a alert would be triggered if someone falls unwell in the bath?

They need a trigger for monitoring to start.

If you don’t understand something it’s usually prudent not to comment on it, makes you look a bit silly.