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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP on tinder

105 replies

throwaway00 · 02/12/2022 12:48

So I kind of know I'm NBU however am I overreacting?

Me and my DP have been together for just over a year, within the first few weeks of meeting we both deleted any mobile dating sites. We both felt like we didn't need them.

However, yesterday I was replying to a message for them (they asked me to do this). After doing this I closed the app, and saw that they had redownloaded tinder. I asked why they had it and they got embarrassed and laughed. I stormed off and left them to their own devices.

We managed to sit down and every question was met with defensive deflection.

I asked why they were on it, they were looking for a particular person, fine. I won't pretend to understand why they thought that was a good idea but fine.

I asked if they had swiped right on anyone, they said yes but only cause they were already on it and 'might as well'. If they had matched with anyone, not sure. Spoke to anyone? No!

My question is AIBU for being more upset about it today now that I've had time to process? Last night I said we had to work on things and get better at communicating, all but forgiving them. Today I've wrote a long message about how replaceable and disrespected I feel and how I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to trust them again. Should I have just left it or was I right to bring this up now I've had time to think?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 02/12/2022 12:50

Dump him. I wouldnt trust someone like this. You are right to be annoyed.

GeraltsGirl · 02/12/2022 12:52

Why would anyone in a committed relationship download tinder and start swiping right?! Massive red flag, just be glad you've seen his true colours now before it gets more serious/ you've wasted more years with him

prettygreenteacup · 02/12/2022 12:53

Get rid. You know in your gut exactly why he had tinder and his BS defensive answers show he's been caught. Do not be a doormat. If he thinks you buy his crap this time he will just progressively get worse, he was intending to cheat on you and if you stay, he definitely will. Nobody downloads a dating app to "search for someone" in a platonic way. Can you tell I speak from experience? Keep your dignity and walk away now.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 02/12/2022 12:54

Dump him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/12/2022 12:54

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Bin him. Life is short enough without being with a liar and a cheat.

Badgirlriri · 02/12/2022 12:55

You’re being a mug. Dump him!

jtaeapa · 02/12/2022 12:56

Bin

softpilllow · 02/12/2022 12:56

I would dump them

Scurryfunge12 · 02/12/2022 12:57

Dump! Dump!! DUMMMMPPP!!! …. Did I say dump!? What a disrespectful prick.

OrigamiOwls · 02/12/2022 13:06

He's trying to find matched on tinder? Of course you were right to bring it up! Throw this one back in the sea and move on.

Sparklesocks · 02/12/2022 13:07

There’s no reasonable explanation for your partner downloading a dating app other than using it to look at potential partners. ‘Looking at someone’ doesn’t make sense - no matter how you square it there’s only bad motivation here I’m afraid OP. And the evasiveness is revealing too.

Toottooot · 02/12/2022 13:09

Could be a she?

XmasElf10 · 02/12/2022 13:25

Doesn't matter if the DP is male or female this is not acceptable.

JFDIYOLO · 02/12/2022 13:26

Do not get married / pregnant / a mortgage with this one. When people show you what they are ... Believe them. This is an organised cheat with plans, a practiced method and a roving eye. And a very reduced attitude to fidelity, your feelings and the truth. You're really considering whether you should be continuing down this slippery slope to sadness?

PermanentTemporary · 02/12/2022 13:31

Imagine the conversation

  • X and I broke up
  • oh no why? You seemed really happy
  • well he downloaded tinder and started checking people out
  • what??? Good choice to dump him

I'll admit I sometimes feel an urge to go back to the dating sites. This is entirely about stuff going on with me, and not my dp. And I don't do it, and I would expect him to dump me if I did.

Bookworm20 · 02/12/2022 13:36

Nope, Off they fuck.

You were right to bring it up, having thought on it and realised all their replies were total bullshit.

georgarina · 02/12/2022 13:39

Might as well join a dating app and start swiping on people?
Might as well break up...

InFiveMins · 02/12/2022 13:40

Dump him.

Mentalpiece · 02/12/2022 13:42

It would be a goodbye from me. There is no good reason for anyone to be on a dating site when they're in a relationship.

Knors · 02/12/2022 13:45

What everyone said.

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 13:47

If you don't dump him when you've effectively caught him red-handed he will take you for a mug forevermore.

Have some self-respect.

NotToBeShaked · 02/12/2022 13:51

What are you doing ? I mean, come on !!

YOU DUMP HIM. He's a lier.

Stressedmum2017 · 02/12/2022 13:52

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. That's a dealbreaker to me. I'm amazed you kept so calm tbh.

girlmom21 · 02/12/2022 13:54

I asked if they had swiped right on anyone, they said yes but only cause they were already on it

This is the line. They chose to attempt to engage people on a dating app.

hugefanofcheese · 02/12/2022 13:54

Sod that. He/ she hasn't even explained themselves (not that I can think of a good excuse), just that they go on there sometimes and swipe on others who catch their attention. Don't entertain a wandering eye. It means they're not fully invested in you. Don't take it personally, it's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't found the person you thought you had.