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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP on tinder

105 replies

throwaway00 · 02/12/2022 12:48

So I kind of know I'm NBU however am I overreacting?

Me and my DP have been together for just over a year, within the first few weeks of meeting we both deleted any mobile dating sites. We both felt like we didn't need them.

However, yesterday I was replying to a message for them (they asked me to do this). After doing this I closed the app, and saw that they had redownloaded tinder. I asked why they had it and they got embarrassed and laughed. I stormed off and left them to their own devices.

We managed to sit down and every question was met with defensive deflection.

I asked why they were on it, they were looking for a particular person, fine. I won't pretend to understand why they thought that was a good idea but fine.

I asked if they had swiped right on anyone, they said yes but only cause they were already on it and 'might as well'. If they had matched with anyone, not sure. Spoke to anyone? No!

My question is AIBU for being more upset about it today now that I've had time to process? Last night I said we had to work on things and get better at communicating, all but forgiving them. Today I've wrote a long message about how replaceable and disrespected I feel and how I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to trust them again. Should I have just left it or was I right to bring this up now I've had time to think?

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 02/12/2022 14:51

If they haven’t cheated they’re looking to.

Get rid and get yourself tested.

WaltzingWaters · 02/12/2022 14:51

Dump him. There’s no reason for him to be on there except looking for someone else. Be glad you’ve found out and don’t waste any more time on him. He definitely can’t be trusted.

WeeOrcadian · 02/12/2022 15:03

It shouldn't be this difficult, this early on. Throw this one back, there are loads more out there

softpilllow · 02/12/2022 15:06

Icecreamandapplepie · 02/12/2022 14:46

Is it more than one partner?

Them? They?

Whyyyyyyy? Why the cloak and dagger secrecy over gender?

So irritating.

Why are you irritated? Why can't you respect OP choice of language when it makes absolutely no difference to you?

milkysmum · 02/12/2022 15:07

You can't actually search for a specific person on tinder so they are feeding you a line with that one.
Sorry but I fell for ridiculous excuses like this for 15 years, wish someone had made me realize what a fool I was years ago. Dump/ divorce now, it's not going to get any better.

Polecat07 · 02/12/2022 15:10

You've been together for over a year, are presumably exclusive and both aware of that? So you've caught them cheating on you, or at the very least attempting to cheat. Obviously leave.

Julienne4467 · 02/12/2022 15:11

Get rid. Someone doing this a year in to a relationship? Nah - fuck that.
"They" aren't into you and don't respect you.

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 15:17

Why does it matter if it's a he or she, the advise should be the same

Exactly. So OP shouldn't be afraid of putting he or she.
They just sounds so clunky and forced in a multi paragraph post

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 15:18

Dump 'them'. 'They' are cheating on you.

SunshineAndFizz · 02/12/2022 15:22

Run.

Anyone in a happy committed relationship doesn't risk losing it by going on dating apps.

slowquickstep · 03/12/2022 07:12

Dacadactyl · 02/12/2022 12:50

Dump him. I wouldnt trust someone like this. You are right to be annoyed.

Is it a bloke ? Only referred to as they.

Whalesong · 03/12/2022 07:31

This relationship is over.
Not sure why everyone is posting "dump him" when you were so careful using "they/them" but regardless. You're not in a loving relationship. Dump them.

Friendlyear22 · 03/12/2022 07:32

Im Sorry you were out in this situation. It sucks. When you want to trust someone. I would find it very very hard to now. I hope you have good support and you can talk to those around you x

Alisondewy · 03/12/2022 07:42

YANBU. Get rid.

SezFrankly · 03/12/2022 07:58

You already know the answer. There’s only one reason anyone has Tindr on their phone.

Say goodbye.

OlympicProcrastinator · 03/12/2022 08:17

Are you a doormat and a mug?

Yes = stay

No = leave

User839516 · 03/12/2022 08:20

Correct me if I’m wrong (I’ve never been on it) but ‘swiping right’ is the equivalent of going up to someone in real life and saying “I fancy you - wanna grab a drink?” and if they also swipe right it’s a “yes that would be great”? So, how would you feel / what would be your reaction if your ‘DP’ had approached someone in a bar and told them they were attracted to them and asked them out?

Guakamolly · 03/12/2022 08:23

Somebody's done a number on you that you are questioning your entitlement to feel hurt by your partner cheating or contemplating and actively taking steps to cheat.
Dump their sorry arse.

Guakamolly · 03/12/2022 08:25

If they wanted to see someone they could have not put their real photo, they could have not swiped right on anyone and everyone left until they found them, they could have told you they are looking for someone and why, they could have asked their mates who are on Tinder to check for them... why even be concerned that someone might be on Tinder? Jealousy? Still fancy them? A blatant made up lie because they want the thrill or even physical cheating and got bored from the relation. Either way dump them.

Charlize43 · 03/12/2022 08:29

You are being replaced. Get out before you get the wake up call.

Savoretti · 03/12/2022 08:30

He/she is not invested in your relationship at all. Looking for someone to replace you with but not having the decency to break up with you first. Why would you stay when you know they don’t want you? Have some self respect

Sux2buthen · 03/12/2022 08:33

Op has said they because males actions get considerably different responses on here from females.
It is funny to see everyone froth over it though Grin

LBFseBrom · 03/12/2022 08:33

"...yesterday I was replying to a message for them (they asked me to do this)."

Them? How many are there :-).

He/she is getting bored, time to move on.

Shoxfordian · 03/12/2022 08:34

Dump them op then block them- don’t bother with the long sad message

Sunshine275 · 03/12/2022 08:41

Get rid now, this has cheating wrote all over it.