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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP on tinder

105 replies

throwaway00 · 02/12/2022 12:48

So I kind of know I'm NBU however am I overreacting?

Me and my DP have been together for just over a year, within the first few weeks of meeting we both deleted any mobile dating sites. We both felt like we didn't need them.

However, yesterday I was replying to a message for them (they asked me to do this). After doing this I closed the app, and saw that they had redownloaded tinder. I asked why they had it and they got embarrassed and laughed. I stormed off and left them to their own devices.

We managed to sit down and every question was met with defensive deflection.

I asked why they were on it, they were looking for a particular person, fine. I won't pretend to understand why they thought that was a good idea but fine.

I asked if they had swiped right on anyone, they said yes but only cause they were already on it and 'might as well'. If they had matched with anyone, not sure. Spoke to anyone? No!

My question is AIBU for being more upset about it today now that I've had time to process? Last night I said we had to work on things and get better at communicating, all but forgiving them. Today I've wrote a long message about how replaceable and disrespected I feel and how I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to trust them again. Should I have just left it or was I right to bring this up now I've had time to think?

OP posts:
PearlclutchersInc · 03/12/2022 08:43

A year's not long really. Time for you to examine what you have and cut your losses.

What a specious excuse for re-downloading the app.Hmm

Poppyblush · 03/12/2022 08:44

Get rid of him!

Notforbeef · 03/12/2022 09:01

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 15:17

Why does it matter if it's a he or she, the advise should be the same

Exactly. So OP shouldn't be afraid of putting he or she.
They just sounds so clunky and forced in a multi paragraph post

Some people go by the pronoun they/them

Notforbeef · 03/12/2022 09:03

softpilllow · 02/12/2022 15:06

Why are you irritated? Why can't you respect OP choice of language when it makes absolutely no difference to you?

Show quote history

Exactly this. There's no secrecy. Some people go by the pronouns they/them. They may be non binary, or transitioning. And frankly it's none of our business and irrelevant to the issue.

Vannymcvan · 03/12/2022 09:26

What a horrible thing to find out. Their behaviour is disgusting. There's absolutely no other reason to be on Tinder except to pull. You can't search for a specific person.

You absolutely deserve better than this.

Mamma2017 · 03/12/2022 09:29

Leave leave leave LEAVE!! They’re taking the kids out if you & you are allowing it

Mamma2017 · 03/12/2022 09:29

*taking the piss

Ladybyrd · 03/12/2022 09:32

You need to get yourself back on there and find a new partner you can trust. I would end it. This person is looking to cheat on you if they're not already. Sorry to be blunt, but don't waste anymore time on them.

Harry12345 · 03/12/2022 09:38

Get rid of him now

Unhingedness · 03/12/2022 09:43

They’ve been totally disrespectful to you. Tinder is not a suitable app for someone that’s supposed to be in a committed relationship. I’m not surprised you’re feeling more angry. Anger builds over time once the initial shock has subsided.

Sidenote: loving how many people have decided your partner is male despite you using ‘they/them’ when talking about them.

Beentheredonethat99 · 03/12/2022 09:43

Know this behaviour- either looking for the ex they arent over or looking to see if there is a better option.
sorry op, you're worth more- leave now.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 09:46

Have you overvreacted?

No, op, you haven't over reacted, you have seriously under reacted.

Your boyfriend was hoping to find a new woman!!

If this isn't an immediate dumping offence in your mind, then please, please, dump him and then spend some time working out how you are worth so so much more.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 03/12/2022 09:47

Just get rid. You have only been with him a year and his already doing this. He will definitely cheat In the future he has shown you this and you need to take notice. Dump and move on.

Bedazzled22 · 03/12/2022 09:50

My DP was on Tinder - we’d been together over 12 years. I saw a notification on his phone when I unplugged it to use the charger. It was a nightmare as we were on a weekend away with our DS at the time . We are currently planning a break up. Despite my devastation, he did it again 3 months later (another dating site) seen via family sharing of apps.

Dont be me. Move on now

Kierkegaardslover · 03/12/2022 10:07

Dump him! What an absolute prick and he is showing no contrition whatsoever

CarefreeMe · 03/12/2022 11:12

Why are you still with her!

She’s basically using you until she finds someone better.

Stop allowing yourself to be treated like a mug.

DNBU · 03/12/2022 11:18

God, why is this even a question? Your partner is looking to cheat, if he hasn’t already. DUMP HIM.

DNBU · 03/12/2022 11:20

(Sorry - assumed it was a man.)
Either way, dump them.

hot2trotter · 03/12/2022 11:28

Don't be ridiculous. Get rid, immediately.

1HappyTraveller · 03/12/2022 12:02

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

YANBU

You are not overreacting

Walk away before you invest more time and emotion into this relationship. They are not trustworthy. You are worth more than this.

Scottsy100 · 03/12/2022 12:57

Run.

ScreamingBeans · 03/12/2022 13:44

There's no dilemma here. They is using you until something better turns up.

LTB

oosha · 03/12/2022 13:46

GeraltsGirl · 02/12/2022 12:52

Why would anyone in a committed relationship download tinder and start swiping right?! Massive red flag, just be glad you've seen his true colours now before it gets more serious/ you've wasted more years with him

Exactly this ⬆️

LimeTwists · 03/12/2022 13:48

Dump. Immediately. Downloading tinder and swiping right is about as clear as it gets when it comes to evidence that they are open to meeting someone else. Some people lack the guts to end relationships so they string someone along until the next person turns up. Sounds like your partner is very clearly testing to see who else is out there. On what planet is swiping right on tinder ok when you have a partner?! Are they for fucking real? Don’t accept this, OP.

username8888 · 03/12/2022 13:52

Dump him before he dumps you because its clear he is looking for someone else.