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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP on tinder

105 replies

throwaway00 · 02/12/2022 12:48

So I kind of know I'm NBU however am I overreacting?

Me and my DP have been together for just over a year, within the first few weeks of meeting we both deleted any mobile dating sites. We both felt like we didn't need them.

However, yesterday I was replying to a message for them (they asked me to do this). After doing this I closed the app, and saw that they had redownloaded tinder. I asked why they had it and they got embarrassed and laughed. I stormed off and left them to their own devices.

We managed to sit down and every question was met with defensive deflection.

I asked why they were on it, they were looking for a particular person, fine. I won't pretend to understand why they thought that was a good idea but fine.

I asked if they had swiped right on anyone, they said yes but only cause they were already on it and 'might as well'. If they had matched with anyone, not sure. Spoke to anyone? No!

My question is AIBU for being more upset about it today now that I've had time to process? Last night I said we had to work on things and get better at communicating, all but forgiving them. Today I've wrote a long message about how replaceable and disrespected I feel and how I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to trust them again. Should I have just left it or was I right to bring this up now I've had time to think?

OP posts:
myusernamewastakenbyme · 02/12/2022 13:55

Why are you referring to them as 'they'....just say he or she.

Babochan88 · 02/12/2022 13:57

Surely this is a joke??!
Get out of the relationship op.
He went on there to look for women. No one downloads tinder to look for people - you get it to find a relationship or hook up.
you feel disrespected because you were. Get out now!!!!

girlmom21 · 02/12/2022 13:58

myusernamewastakenbyme · 02/12/2022 13:55

Why are you referring to them as 'they'....just say he or she.

Because if it's a woman posting about her boyfriend she'll be told he's a cheat and if it's a man posting about his girlfriend he'll be told it's his fault for some reason

pheonixrebirth · 02/12/2022 13:59

Right now you are the available OPTION.
Do not be an option for someone wasting your time until he finds a new toy to play with. Arsehole!

MRSDoos · 02/12/2022 13:59

You could of ditched him in the time you wrong this AIBU!!

Seriously though, he isn’t someone you want to be with OP.

neverbeenskiing · 02/12/2022 14:02

Catch yourself on! He's either cheating on you, or he's actively looking to cheat on you. Get rid of him.

Sickofcoughing · 02/12/2022 14:04

Talking through it last night and clearing it up is not a binding contract. I don't think he even deserves the explanatory messages about how hurt you are. You are effectively pleading with him to consider you in this but you can't force someone else to be considerate.

Set your own standards. He hasn't risen to meet them. Block and walk away.

Herejustforthisone · 02/12/2022 14:05

They’ve been caught red handed. This is not the action of someone committed to a relationship. Time to go.

Fairyliz · 02/12/2022 14:11

Who’s this they, do you have more than one partner?
Just say he or she then we can understand what’s happening.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 02/12/2022 14:14

Fairyliz · 02/12/2022 14:11

Who’s this they, do you have more than one partner?
Just say he or she then we can understand what’s happening.

Why does it matter if it's a he or she, the advise should be the same

FartSock5000 · 02/12/2022 14:16

The first year of a relationship is usually lovely with full on cock goggles making everything a dream.

For him to be hedging his bets - and that is exactly what he is doing, means he isn't as invested as you are.

Dump him and move on. You're worth more than this and you'll never fully trust him again (because he is a liar liar pants on fire!).

Yahyahs22 · 02/12/2022 14:18

This wont en well

Iwantamarshmallowman · 02/12/2022 14:18

Fairyliz · 02/12/2022 14:11

Who’s this they, do you have more than one partner?
Just say he or she then we can understand what’s happening.

it makes no difference what sex they are.. they have or intend to cheat.
Op this is a slippery slope.. dump them and don't look back.

10HailMarys · 02/12/2022 14:24

myusernamewastakenbyme · 02/12/2022 13:55

Why are you referring to them as 'they'....just say he or she.

Why do you need to know whether they're a man or a woman? It's got zero relevance to the issue of them being on Tinder.

OP, I personally wouldn't be happy if my partner was not only on Tinder but also swiping right on people. Even if they're not cheating, they're clearly thinking about it, or hoping to exchange intimate messages. In fact, even if they have no intention of ever engaging with the people they match with, it's disrespectful to you (and the people they're matching with) to entertain themselves with a dating app. Get rid of this twat.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 02/12/2022 14:25

Don’t care who in this relationship is male or female, the advice is the same, so no need to be cagey about it.

Of course the ‘D’P may be non binary and refer to themselves as they which would be a dumpable offence anyway IMO but if not, just say he or she, it’s really annoying.

We’re not all going to say “ah bless, she was just curious” if it’s a woman looking. On this site the default is usually woman posting about shit man, but shit women get the LTB treatment too you know and gay/lesbian relationships get the same advice as heteros.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 02/12/2022 14:26

Loving ‘cock goggles’ 😂@FartSock5000

emptythelitterbox · 02/12/2022 14:27

Just dump.

No long conversations No long emails. They don't care.

Therealjudgejudy · 02/12/2022 14:32

Your partner is actively looking to cheat on you.

Find your self respect and move on.

Closuretime · 02/12/2022 14:33

Can you search for people on Tinder? Who was he looking for?

He can't be trusted.

FuckConvoGiveMeAForest · 02/12/2022 14:36

Don't be someone who puts up with this kind of bollocks.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 02/12/2022 14:40

I'm more interested why you didn't dump them immediately? They are lying to you. I'd get an STD check immediately.

Thedogscollar · 02/12/2022 14:41

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 02/12/2022 14:40

I'm more interested why you didn't dump them immediately? They are lying to you. I'd get an STD check immediately.

Could not agree more.

mathanxiety · 02/12/2022 14:42

Swipe left.

You deserve better.

ErinAndTonic · 02/12/2022 14:44

This is not ok! Swiping shows intent...

Icecreamandapplepie · 02/12/2022 14:46

Is it more than one partner?

Them? They?

Whyyyyyyy? Why the cloak and dagger secrecy over gender?

So irritating.