DH WFHis not working

[Grumblegrumblegroan]

DH goes into his office 845 for his meeting. 2 yo ds cries as daddy has gone.

DH comes out of his office at 9 for breakfast.ds delighted.

DH goes back to his office at 930. Ds cries.

and out 945 for a poo

and back at 10

all.day.long.

@RishisProudMum i really don’t know what you are talking about, which sounds a bit abrupt but I’m honestly a bit baffled.

We live in a four bedroom house. DH works downstairs in a little office/ study area. It isn’t an unusual layout at all: another poster deemed it “weird”, not me. I do not know how one goes to the toilet or into the kitchen invisibly. Maybe I am the weird one but in all the houses I’ve lived in you are usually aware, even in a vague sense, of other people moving around in them.

I understand OP. I WFH and we have a baby and a toddler. On the odd occasion I’m trying to work when they’re in the house it’s pretty impossible to go unnoticed by the toddler, who may or may not choose to howl about where Mommy is going/ why Mommy can’t play. I wouldn’t ever expect to say that they shouldn’t be in the house though because it’s our home first and foremost. I generally try to hole myself up but everyone needs to get a drink or use the loo sometimes. If he has the option and this mainly impacts one/ two days I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask him to have an office day instead.

I think I’ve been perfectly clear, but do please carry on! 😁

We had a garden office built. Best thing ever! I don't even mind him having the electric fire blasting in there. I don't have to be quiet and schedule when I can hoover not to interrupt him.

“I'm saying you haven't had the experience of your partner working full time out of the home while trying to work yourself and looking after multiple small children”

I have to say @BloodAndFire it has been a while since I have seen such an aggressive response to someone not fully reading something, which is surely the obvious solution rather than a lie.

I was accused of being dramatic earlier in the thread and I think you are really taking it more seriously than it needs to.

I have experienced caring for one child, working full time and having a husband working away. I will experience, if all goes well in this pregnancy, caring for more than one while my husband works from home and while he works away.

It is not something that requires this level of aggression.

I’m afraid you haven’t been clear to me @RishisProudMum ; you seem to think I have an unusual layout to my home. I don’t.

If you live in a 4 bed house but only have 1 child why doesn’t DH move his office to a bedroom upstairs? Then he’s more out the way, has a loo up there etc.

2-3 is old enough to explain to your child Daddy is working and will play with you when he’s finished. They will get used to it, and in the meantime maybe spend some more time out the house doing activities, going to the park etc.

You will appreciate DH being able to watch the monitor when your baby is sleeping and it’s time to collect your older child from nursery, having extra help at lunchtime when you have 2 etc.

Are you saying if 3pm rolled around and your feverish toddler was fast asleep in their bed, with an adult in the house, you would wake them up, put them in a buggy, and take them out in the cold and rain for 30-60 mins rather than leaving them sleeping in bed, on the off chance that they could wake up and disturb a work call?

I’d probably explore other ways of getting the school child home first.

Like I said there’s so many variables and I’d need to know what my DH’s hypothetical WFH job entailed etc.
And whether my hypothetical feverish toddler was likely to wake up.
Assuming the school would be the one my DC went to then I would be gone for well over an hour.

Massive tangent though and largely irrelevant to the OP’s question.

That was what I meant , yes. Always felt terrible about having to do that when mine were tiny. Most of the time they would stay asleep the whole time if left to it, but I had no choice.

@Grumblegrumblegroan yeah thanks for your kind wishes re hospital admission. It was six years ago now and I am much better but I am always aware of the possibility that anything could happen to an adult in charge. And I was in sole charge of multiple children from 7am to 7pm (minimum) every day.

having 2 adults at home is a huge advantage in many situations. right back at the beginning of this thread I was trying to point out to you that you are very lucky in many ways. You denied this and seemed baffled by the idea that there was anything advantageous in your current arrangement. Because apparently that would mean "all marriages are identical".

he same unusual layout to their homes (which isn’t explained, but makes all conventional solutions unworkable)

I don’t

the same refusal to engage with any suggestions

Well, the thread wasn’t really started with that aim. Perhaps you could tell me which suggestions you feel were particularly helpful.

and the same unwillingness to speak to their spouse

DH and I have spoken about it. That’s why we moved, in part. We also have made other adjustments I haven’t mentioned here. But he’s never going to go completely unnoticed and as I said, even in a separate building people can be aware of one another’s presence.

I rented an annex abroad in my early twenties from a family. They were absolutely lovely but I couldn’t sit in the garden as they’d come and join me and if I came home (with a man ) they knew about it, so I stopped! They weren’t horrible about it - the absolute opposite, they couldn’t have been nicer, but I was aware of them and they of me despite not really being in the home.

I am sure some people feel different - I’ve always been able to sense other people’s presence. Maybe I am in the wrong job and should be a psychic!

My husband has been working from home since 2020. It's hard. It changes the dynamics of the home. I also have toddlers who want daddy. They are 2 1/2 and almost 4. He doesn't really pop in and out. He gets his drink or flask and goes to work. If he does pop in he manages the children's expectations ie daddy is just taking a break and will read you a story. He then gives them warning when he us going to work. Like a countdown. Ie daddy is going back to work in 2 minutes. Then now daddy has to go hugs and kisses. I find it a bit stifling sometimes. I have to keep the kids quite ish because he nature of his work which can be hard in a small space. I also find it difficult that he is flexible when he wants to be, like taking z break when he wants one, but if I need him fir something he is working. I'm honestly not sure if the benefits outweigh the sacrifices and compromises but it is what it is.

To be fair the poster asked if you had experience of working full time, with a partner not WFH and multiple children.

You said you don’t.

Transpires your DH was very rarely away, mainly WFH. And you have one child, not multiple

It sounds tough. But as tough as it is, will pass. Not helpful when you're in the middle of it! I don't think any of you making yourselves prisoners in your own home is going to help though. I would hate to be shut away in one room of my house with the door closed. My partner works from home most of the time and is in a shed in the garden so walks through the kitchen to get anywhere in the house. The kitchen is where our daughter and I are a lot of the time! What works for us (and goes against the grain of what most are saying here) is that when he comes in, he spends a few mins with us before doing what he came in for/going back to work. I know this won't work for lots of families/jobs, but works for us. If your husband can take a 15 min poo break, can he also take a few mins to see your son? Eg. Daddy's going to the loo now then he'll read you one (quick!) book then has to go back and do some work. Might not work for your son or husband, but might??

Well, yes, it is irrelevant as it turns out, because they only have one child despite what op posted earlier.

But see post above. There are many reasons that it's helpful to have more than one adult at home, but apparently this is offensive and wrong to point out.

So big four bed house, completely normal layout, but your 2yo is disturbed when husband goes to the loo? Living room
door shut, child is busy playing, but he can hear it and is upset? Politely put - this scenario is implausible to me.

Also one child, four bedrooms upstairs, but DH has to work in the downstairs office. Okay cool. Yes. Makes sense.

Yes. Ask him to go into the office on fridays I guess.

So the issue is more that you are aware of your DH, not that your DS is affected? Therefore any offers of solutions to consider how your DH could not upset your 2 year old are a red herring?

Anyway, doesn’t matter. If you’re broadly OK with it and just moaning then fair enough.

Though it will get more difficult with a second baby and maternity leave (congratulations!) so worth bearing in mind.

What is it you want your husband to do to solve this ?

I can't wfh on the days that my DH or parents look after my 2 year old otherwise I get nothing done due to exactly this.
I'm self employed so no office to go to. I have to go to cafes.

So big four bed house

The OP didn't say it was big.

What world do you live in where a four bedroomed house isn't big?! 😄

😂

My DH was WFH for almost all of my mat leave. It was a massive adjustment after the time at the start when he had a bit of time off. I totally get what you are saying @Grumblegrumblegroan.

To be honest, it sounds like you need to have a quiet word with your DH about not having so many breaks - it sounds like he’s barely getting any work done.

If he insists on having lots of long breaks for breakfast and all the time, then it’s reasonable he takes the toddler for a few mins to give you a break too. 30 mins for his breakfast when he’s meant to be working should be a lovely break for you too! 😊

I live in a perfectly normal world where there is a mixture of house sizes. Some of the 4 bedroomed houses around here are enormous, and some aren't that big at all, same as anywhere.

*DH and I have spoken about it. That’s why we moved, in part. We also have made other adjustments I haven’t mentioned here. But he’s never going to go completely unnoticed and as I said, even in a separate building people can be aware of one another’s presence.

I rented an annex abroad in my early twenties from a family. They were absolutely lovely but I couldn’t sit in the garden as they’d come and join me and if I came home (with a man Blush) they knew about it, so I stopped! They weren’t horrible about it - the absolute opposite, they couldn’t have been nicer, but I was aware of them and they of me despite not really being in the home.

I am sure some people feel different - I’ve always been able to sense other people’s presence. Maybe I am in the wrong job and should be a psychic!*

It sounds like actually the problem is with you more than or at least just as much as the toddler.
Why does it bother you that you can ‘sense’ your DH at home??