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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work Xmas meal and CoL crisis - AIBU

127 replies

frugalnecessity · 01/12/2022 17:52

I started a new job a few months ago at a LA. My team consists of 7 others but we work independently and only see each other once a month at team office days. My manager has organised a Xmas lunch at a pub during the working day but, as we work for a LA, we have to pay for it (fair enough).

My problem with this is that, as it is in the working day, it is compulsory to go. It's not in the evening where you could make an excuse about already being busy etc.

At the moment, the CoL crisis is hitting me hard and I am having to cut back on a number of things and live extremely frugally. I don't even go out for meals with friends anymore unless it's their birthday so I am loathe to spend money I don't have on a meal with people who aren't even my friends. Admittedly the place chosen for the work meal isn't expensive but even if it is £10-£20 that is £10-20 I could save or use on a meal with people I actually know and like.

AIBU to think this meal should be optional if we are paying for ourselves?

If I don't go, my options are:

  • be sick on the day - but this will mean losing a day's pay
  • come down with covid but still be able to WFH
  • be honest with my manager about my finances but this could be seen as being not committed enough and I don't really want her to know my personal business

If I'm honest I've never understood the hoo ha around work Xmas parties. It seems like a cardinal sin if you don't go and I just don't get it!

OP posts:
itsthelittlethinggs · 01/12/2022 17:54

Just be honest

Goodadvice1980 · 01/12/2022 17:54

Be honest about finances & don’t go!

itsthelittlethinggs · 01/12/2022 17:55

You haven’t got the budget and can’t afford the meal or can you go and choose the cheapest option? And have water etc so it’s £10 or less

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 01/12/2022 17:56

I agree, activities that happen during your work day shouldn't be costing you any money.

Paddingtonthebear · 01/12/2022 17:57

As awkward as it is to have to disclose your finances, I would tell your manager on this occasion. Because I think employers needs to be really aware that putting this sort of financial expectation on staff is not fair. And you certainly should not be judged on it.

ExtraOnions · 01/12/2022 17:57

Be honest with your manger … they are a person too, and I’m sure know the pressures people are currently under.

PacificallyRequested · 01/12/2022 18:00

I doubt it's actually compulsory. It might be a bit awkward if you say you're not going, but they can't make you join them.

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 01/12/2022 18:01

The worry as well with a group meal in a situation like this is that even if you set yourself a strict budget, there's the possibility that other people pile in and someone suggests splitting it equally.

MaryMollyPolly · 01/12/2022 18:01

Obviously, if it’s during work hours and it’s compulsory, your workplace should pay. Or it should be optional. As LA, it has to be optional.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 01/12/2022 18:03

Missing the point, but if you're employed by an LA and are off sick, you don't lose a day's pay, you get full pay sick leave. Unless you're an agency temp.

However, returning to the point, I think you should tell your manager the truth. If you phone in sick, that's a day of sick leave wasted that might come back to haunt you if you catch flu/Covid/something else later in the year.

Murdoch1949 · 01/12/2022 18:04

Explain to your manager that you cannot afford it. Better for them to understand your absence.

Fleabigg · 01/12/2022 18:04

I’d make some kind of excuse. I work for an LA too and it would never be seen as ok to have something compulsory for my team. It’s after work for this exact reason.

TellMeWhere · 01/12/2022 18:04

Just be honest and ask what they suggest you do. Can you just stay and work instead? Should you go home? They can't feasibly penalise you for not being able to afford it. If they get really stroppy I'd go and take a sandwich with me Grin

I don't see the point in Christmas parties that staff have to pay for.

Merlott · 01/12/2022 18:06

It's not compulsory. Tell them you won't be going and say why. Only a total twat would try to force you to go.

Fairyliz · 01/12/2022 18:07

I used to work for an LA. Just tell your boss you can’t afford it and will stay in the office and work. No one can complain about that and you will get paid and not have to lie about being ill.

MichelleScarn · 01/12/2022 18:08

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 01/12/2022 18:01

The worry as well with a group meal in a situation like this is that even if you set yourself a strict budget, there's the possibility that other people pile in and someone suggests splitting it equally.

This! It always happens.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 01/12/2022 18:10

Go, don't order food, excuse yourself when the food is brought out and do what you'd normally do for food on an office day. Go back once you have eaten.

Zanatdy · 01/12/2022 18:14

I’d be honest with the manager in confidence

catfunk · 01/12/2022 18:16

Even if I could afford it I'd refuse out of principle, it can not be 'compulsary' if you have to pay for yourselves.
Say you can't afford it so you'll be working instead - you hope they have a great time etc.

vestedinterests · 01/12/2022 18:20

I would either tell the manager you can't afford it or make an excuse (maybe a food allergy). You have no guarantee that your colleagues won't start ordering more expensive options of starter, main, desert, couple of mocktails each plus maybe a coffee. It will soon add up and from my experience the bill always gets split

InsertUsernameHere · 01/12/2022 18:22

Speak to your manager - your colleagues may well be in the same position and grateful for you bringing it up. Everyone might prefer to bring there own lunch in and just eat together.

Are you and your colleagues at on similar pay scales? Just thinking about our team where there are large pay differences, our admin are invited, but we make sure they know the managers will pick up the tab for them, everyone in the middle pays their own way (and we don’t go anywhere lavish).

Intathewoods · 01/12/2022 18:46

I've been in this situation in the past. Just be honest, its much easier than maintaining a white lie to get out of it. I just said, "I'd love to go but I can't really afford it at the moment. Have a great time! I'll see you when get back" it was fine, people understand. You don't need to explain further, or give your manager any further details on your finances. Most people would get it instantly, and respect your honesty. If she's really thick skinned or start to pry have some stock answers to hand. If she says "Oh, its only £x" just say "I'd love to, but its really not feasible for me at the moment". If she pries into your finances just say "Oh I prefer not to talk about this at work". Keep it bright and breezy, you don't have to over explain, justify or apologise. If your manager sees this as a lack of commitment on your part she seriously needs to give her head a wobble.

WhatWouldHopperDo · 01/12/2022 19:41

I am not LA but NHS and if your organisation is anything like mine, they will have been banging on about staff well-being and the importance of supporting staff through the COL issues. (Not financially supportive obviously but supporting our MH and WB).

If you don’t feel comfortable disclosing your entire financial situation just say there are so many extra expenses at this time
of year and you don’t have room in your budget for the meal.

I know it’s easy to say when we aren’t in your team but if people aren’t understanding of that then they’re arseholes.

Original poster
frugalnecessity · 02/12/2022 00:34

Thanks so much everyone, it's such a difficult topic but you have all really helped. As suggested, I am going to be honest with my manager - I would struggle to maintain a white lie. Thank you all for taking the time to reply and advise, I feel so much better now I have made a decision!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/12/2022 00:39

So work have said you must go or what? I don't see how they can make you so something coating you money in your lunch break compulsory. I'd be speaking to HR personally

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