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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work Xmas meal and CoL crisis - AIBU

127 replies

frugalnecessity · 01/12/2022 17:52

I started a new job a few months ago at a LA. My team consists of 7 others but we work independently and only see each other once a month at team office days. My manager has organised a Xmas lunch at a pub during the working day but, as we work for a LA, we have to pay for it (fair enough).

My problem with this is that, as it is in the working day, it is compulsory to go. It's not in the evening where you could make an excuse about already being busy etc.

At the moment, the CoL crisis is hitting me hard and I am having to cut back on a number of things and live extremely frugally. I don't even go out for meals with friends anymore unless it's their birthday so I am loathe to spend money I don't have on a meal with people who aren't even my friends. Admittedly the place chosen for the work meal isn't expensive but even if it is £10-£20 that is £10-20 I could save or use on a meal with people I actually know and like.

AIBU to think this meal should be optional if we are paying for ourselves?

If I don't go, my options are:

  • be sick on the day - but this will mean losing a day's pay
  • come down with covid but still be able to WFH
  • be honest with my manager about my finances but this could be seen as being not committed enough and I don't really want her to know my personal business

If I'm honest I've never understood the hoo ha around work Xmas parties. It seems like a cardinal sin if you don't go and I just don't get it!

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 02/12/2022 09:17

I'd just to honest and volunteer to work. If you can afford take in a cake or take in a nicer lunch than normal, so you have a treat yourself.

Soddingchristmas · 02/12/2022 09:19

Reminds me of the time my old workplace tried to force everyone to go to a ‘team bonding’ escape room. It was outside of work hours, they expected us to pay our own way there and back and pay for any drinks or food etc.

I said no sorry can’t come - literally didn’t have any money, also had nobody to collect or look after my children and to be honest my (now ex) work colleagues were honestly the last people I’d ever want to spend time with outside of work - and got a really shitty email from one of the managers stating ‘attendance isn’t optional’

Oh how I laughed! I didn’t go!!!

Notanotherone6 · 02/12/2022 09:21

It's not compulsory if you have to pay. I'd simply tell them no thank you, and work my normal hours in the office. You don't have to explain anything about your finances.

54isanopendoor · 02/12/2022 09:27

Savoury · 02/12/2022 07:00

Offer to man the phones/sit at reception or whatever the boring part of the job is - all because the team has been together longer and “deserve” this day.

You’ll be seen as a hero!

That was my plan when I was in this situation 4 years ago. I told my manager I couldn't afford it (it was £40 per head, plus drinks). I was a single parent. She knew my circs & made me feel really embarrassed. I offered to stay & man the phones (it was a mental health charity & we were WAY behind with offering support to people in the 6 wk timescale the contract was based on)
They had a 'no solo workers in the office' rule so I would have had to drive to the next branch (40 miles away) plus I'd not be paid for any time off as I was so new. It would have been cheaper to have booked the afternoon unpaid but I was made to feel such a Grinch that in the end I went. I couldnt' eat much (I'd just had stomach surgery, again the manager knew this) so it was quite awkward anyway.
To top it all, I left 3m later (similar inflexibility about my disability).

OP, I'd explain to your manager (& I hope they are nicer than mine was).

In the current day & age a 'free' hour to enjoy coffee/cake/fruit laid on by work would be more appropriate OR a 'bring your own' lunch into a festive workspace.

54isanopendoor · 02/12/2022 09:32

@Soddingchristmas I've just read your post & remembered that I had this too.
(sorry to be all 'elevenerife' about it). We won the Team Quiz. The prize was a 'breakout room' thing. It was 70 miles from where I lived on a Friday night. I said, Lovely, please enjoy, (but I can't go). I got catsbumface from Manager who said: 'oh, I suppose it's about your disability'. Well, yes, as it was inaccessible. I said: 'its fine, I couldn't attend a Friday night anyway'. She rearranged it to a beach clean for a Saturday. By the time it came around I'd left. I hope she did freeze her bum off on the beach but I bet you anything she didn't. Unpleasant woman.

'attendance isn't optional' at an 'escape room' activity. The irony!

amusedbush · 02/12/2022 09:39

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 01/12/2022 18:01

The worry as well with a group meal in a situation like this is that even if you set yourself a strict budget, there's the possibility that other people pile in and someone suggests splitting it equally.

I came here to say exactly this. A few years ago, everyone in the department I worked in (at the time) went out for lunch on a colleague's last day before she started mat leave.

Salaries varied in the team from £18k to £60k. The person on the lowest salary ordered a bowl of soup and a glass of tap water, then someone announced that we'd all split the bill - covering Mat Leave Colleague's share, too.

I said absolutely bloody not, insisted that Soup Person pay only their share and then endured dirty looks and whispers from managers on double my salary. I'd also like to point out that the same manager tried the splitting the bill shit at the previous Christmas night out, where they shared bottles of wine, had the steak (with £5 supplement) and a coffee after dinner. I wonder why it suited them to split it Xmas Hmm

OP, I opted out of a Christmas lunch because I couldn't afford it and I stayed in the office. People were fine about it so please don't worry.

fruitbrewhaha · 02/12/2022 09:41

Could you suggest something different? Maybe you're not the only one who would rather save the money. You could use a meeting room at the office and all bring in a bottle of wine and some cheese, or between you bring in the items for an afternoon tea.

PickyEaters · 02/12/2022 09:46

Just hide in the loo when they're all setting off. No-one will notice you aren't there.

Theskyisfallingdown · 02/12/2022 09:51

Has anyone suggested 'just be honest ' yet? Even though OP said that's what she's going to do?

Baconand · 02/12/2022 09:53

I work as a senior manager in a similar environment, I have been very clear to my team that the meal is entirely optional and gave them the option to cancel it altogether. We go to an inexpensive place that books up, so we always book a table a year ahead so wanted to make sure people knew we could not do it if they preferred. We also do £5 secret santa and a couple have opted out of that too. It’s absolutely fine. I don’t need any explanation from anyone that doesn’t want to go, don’t pry or need a reason. I just give them the period of the meal (2hrs ish off).

Hbh17 · 02/12/2022 10:00

How can The meal be compulsory? Just go into the office and work your day as normal - I'm sure the general public will be delighted that you are actually doing the job for which they pay you!

neverbeenskiing · 02/12/2022 10:01

Wow. My boss takes us all out and pays for everything a good manager looks after their team.

I work in the public sector and manage a team. I think I'm a "good manager", but I can't afford to take them all out for a meal and drinks. I buy them all a small gift at Christmas, because I want to, but I "look after" my team by supporting them, advocating for them, listening to them and doing what I can to make sure their load is manageable and they enjoy their jobs.

I think during the current COL crisis it's insensitive to organise a meal out during the working day as people will feel obliged to come and OP will likely not be the only one worrying about it. As a line manager, if I was doing anything to cause my staff additional anxiety I would want to know.

MuckyPlucky · 02/12/2022 10:03

I have a slightly similar situation. It’s not that I can’t afford it but it’s more that I’m mandated to…. My senior manager periodically enforces team gatherings (Xmas, work milestones etc) and gives the strong message it’s expected we’ll come. He says it’s important for the team. The only issue is these are all outside work hours, so we’re effectively mandated to attend a work event in our own time.
The rest of the team seem to enjoy this, but as a lone parent who only gets occasional weekend nights without the kids and has to try to squeeze in seeing my actual friends, family and boyfriend I resent being mandated to give up an evening to socialise with a team who are pleasant but not my friends.
Id enjoy it a LOT more if I didn’t feel coerced into it, but as it is it becomes tainted by resentment at his total inability to read the room that not everyone wants to attend.

KevinsChilli · 02/12/2022 10:03

Are you new to public sector? These things definitely aren't compulsory - and diaries will have been checked just to ensure everyone can make it. There's no looking down on people who can't make it. I've worked in various public sector organisations from civil service, NHS and education my whole life and there's always people who won't come along to these things, as it's a case of you spending your own money.

KevinsChilli · 02/12/2022 10:05

neverbeenskiing · 02/12/2022 10:01

Wow. My boss takes us all out and pays for everything a good manager looks after their team.

I work in the public sector and manage a team. I think I'm a "good manager", but I can't afford to take them all out for a meal and drinks. I buy them all a small gift at Christmas, because I want to, but I "look after" my team by supporting them, advocating for them, listening to them and doing what I can to make sure their load is manageable and they enjoy their jobs.

I think during the current COL crisis it's insensitive to organise a meal out during the working day as people will feel obliged to come and OP will likely not be the only one worrying about it. As a line manager, if I was doing anything to cause my staff additional anxiety I would want to know.

I'm a manager in public sector, which means we aren't well paid compared to private sector so no, I can't afford to pay for my team to have food and drinks! I buy them a small gift, usually chocolates or bottle of wine.

rookiemere · 02/12/2022 10:17

Some of the trouble seems to be that managers on higher salaries don't seem to understand that their juniors have a lower disposable income.
I'm well enough paid, but like everyone else over the past year I've had to prioritise what I want to do because I can't afford everything ( and even that is privileged as many people have no money at all to do non essentials). So things like coffees are brought in and meals out strictly rationed because I'd much rather be able to go on holiday.

Beautiful3 · 02/12/2022 10:51

This happened to me before. I ended up saying, please count me out as I'm watching my money. Then I had the same length lunch they did.

Artemi · 02/12/2022 13:25

rookiemere · 02/12/2022 10:17

Some of the trouble seems to be that managers on higher salaries don't seem to understand that their juniors have a lower disposable income.
I'm well enough paid, but like everyone else over the past year I've had to prioritise what I want to do because I can't afford everything ( and even that is privileged as many people have no money at all to do non essentials). So things like coffees are brought in and meals out strictly rationed because I'd much rather be able to go on holiday.

Yes, particularly when the managers are older/more established in life than young juniors.

It's not just the raw salary difference, but also the amount of disposable. In my job many of the managers have nice houses with a small mortgage (bought before prices went crazy) and usually a partner who also works. Compared to someone in their twenties who may be renting a small flat solo (and paying far more than the managers mortgage, on top of trying to agressively save for a house) or paying crazy nursery fees

babyyodaxmas · 02/12/2022 13:49

I would bring in my lunch (soup or sandwich) and eat it at 12, before the others leave. Then just either go along and nurse a coffee/Coke for a bit. Or as others say stay behind.

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 02/12/2022 14:16

amusedbush · 02/12/2022 09:39

I came here to say exactly this. A few years ago, everyone in the department I worked in (at the time) went out for lunch on a colleague's last day before she started mat leave.

Salaries varied in the team from £18k to £60k. The person on the lowest salary ordered a bowl of soup and a glass of tap water, then someone announced that we'd all split the bill - covering Mat Leave Colleague's share, too.

I said absolutely bloody not, insisted that Soup Person pay only their share and then endured dirty looks and whispers from managers on double my salary. I'd also like to point out that the same manager tried the splitting the bill shit at the previous Christmas night out, where they shared bottles of wine, had the steak (with £5 supplement) and a coffee after dinner. I wonder why it suited them to split it Xmas Hmm

OP, I opted out of a Christmas lunch because I couldn't afford it and I stayed in the office. People were fine about it so please don't worry.

Show quote history

There's always one! It's good that you spoke up for your colleague.

Feef83 · 02/12/2022 14:21

54isanopendoor · 02/12/2022 09:32

@Soddingchristmas I've just read your post & remembered that I had this too.
(sorry to be all 'elevenerife' about it). We won the Team Quiz. The prize was a 'breakout room' thing. It was 70 miles from where I lived on a Friday night. I said, Lovely, please enjoy, (but I can't go). I got catsbumface from Manager who said: 'oh, I suppose it's about your disability'. Well, yes, as it was inaccessible. I said: 'its fine, I couldn't attend a Friday night anyway'. She rearranged it to a beach clean for a Saturday. By the time it came around I'd left. I hope she did freeze her bum off on the beach but I bet you anything she didn't. Unpleasant woman.

'attendance isn't optional' at an 'escape room' activity. The irony!

Sorry run that by me again.

The team won an escape room challenge, but instead went on a “beach clean”? In December?

Monkeytapper · 02/12/2022 14:22

what's an LA?

ShirleyKnott · 02/12/2022 14:23

Local authority

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 02/12/2022 14:36

Feef83 · 02/12/2022 14:21

Sorry run that by me again.

The team won an escape room challenge, but instead went on a “beach clean”? In December?

Show quote history

It sounds like a fabulous organisation to work for!

Fufumcgoo · 02/12/2022 16:43

KickHimInTheCrotch · 02/12/2022 08:49

Funded by taxpayers?

I'm a civil servant and we don't even get a cup if tea and biscuit at compulsory all day training events due to budget restraints.

Show quote history

That's nice. Not the same though is it.

On a compulsory training day you could be reasonably expected to provide your own food and drink.

If it's a compulsory meal, where you are required to physically be there and eat the employer needs to pay.

Otherwise its not compulsory. An employer cannot force you to spend your own money on a compulsory meal.