Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

How do you think this relates to what we are discussing on this thread?

Because people are always asking questions out of interest, or for small talk reasons. Not always because they're racists.

You can't see why people might not want to talk about heritage that involves (for example) the slave trade, wars between counties, ancestors being forced to leave a country, a background of racism or oppresion?
To a complete stranger?

I'm proud of my heritage but it's quite complicated and I am not going to go into just because some random is "interested". It's none of their business.

This resonates with me a bit, as I am mixed race (pale-ish yellow skin in winter/very tan in summer with jet black hair and hazel eyes) but I "pass" (as it were) to the majority of white people in my country (not in the UK anymore).

POC, though usually notice that this is not the case and are usually the ones to ask "where are you really from" and "what are you?" I am, however, aware that they don't usually seem to be asking in order to other me but more to... know what to expect? I can't think of a better way to describe it than that. Racism is a huge problem in my country and I think people ask me because they're trying to determine how much of a likelihood there is that I might exhibit racist behavior toward them.

It's still not my favorite question because it makes me feel a little like a exhibit in a museum or a specimen in a laboratory, but I do try to keep peoples' intentions in mind and not feel offended.

I have had a few incredibly unpleasant experiences regarding my race/ethnicity, but they were mostly with older, white, privileged people (shocker, I know...).

How is that the same thing?

If she had a broad Yorkshire accent would you have asked her where she was really from? No. Really. No, what about her parents, where were they from?...

Can't you understand the difference?

Person with one of the clearly British accents quizzed about where they are REALLY from because they are not white is really not the same thing you are talking about.

I don't know if this helps those who don't get it but FWIW, this conversation is aggressive because:

It rests on an assumption that white British people have the right to know your ethnicity

It rests on an assumption that white British people get to define your identity

These conversations almost always end with "oh so you're from India" - I have never actually been to India, I have no family there and I haven't had for over a century, that isn't where I think of myself as being from but the people who ask these questions don't think my opinion is important.

Person with one of the clearly British accents quizzed about where they are REALLY from because they are not white is really not the same thing you are talking about.

Ok I see the difference, what should people ask then? Or nothing?

What's wrong with asking about someone's background?

My office is very diverse, lots of people with Indian and Pakistani heritage, also a lot of Eastern Europeans.
We celebrate everyone's festivals- I've had many interesting conversations with one particular colleague about Islam and his family background which is India via Kenya. All done without me questioning the fact that he's a Brummie.
My own experience as a white mum to an adopted mixed race child is the assumption that I did a Madonna, so where is he from, Xshire we say, so we get the follow on - where is he really from - yes he is really from X shire born in Y hospital (very well known hospital in the UK) so you didn't get him from Africa? No

I had a lovely conversation in work a few weeks ago with someone who recognised me from a blog I write about being an adoptive family - we talked about his name, what it means, how he got the name- all without any questioning about him being British - maybe its because she is black

FIL would have given Prince Philip a run for his money. I cringed as he repeatedly asked a British friend with Vietnamese heritage where he was ‘really’ from. Camden. He was from fucking Camden! FIL doesn’t think he said anything wrong to this day.

What do you say to thrm when they ask you six times where you are REALLY from because they don't accept your answer then they go on to ask ok well where are your parents from?

Typically goes like that
"Where are you from?"
"London"
"No, I mean, with your accent ... Where are you originally from?"

I can pretend that I don't understand the question and wait until they say something that could be interpreted as racist, but I don't do that. I tell them where generations of my ancestors lived, and I am not ashamed of that.

No big deal actually.

Heritage is interesting. I'd never claim to be British even though I was born here and I really don't understand why people want to lay claim to Britishness like it's a prize. It has too many links to Empire for me. Also a lot of people use British to mean English and I find it fascinating when someone with a similar background to me (ie parents, grandparents, etc, etc all born overseas) says they feel English/British. Nothing about my upbringing was British. Everything at home - our music, food, stories - was steeped in our own heritage.
I guess my point is no-one can assume what anyone else is because people with the exact same heritage can lay claim differently. I don't mind being asked. I do mind being asked repeatedly by the same person.

Do you ask people from the same area as you, that have the same accent?

Do you ask for an in-depth break down of their family heritage while on the school run? Or at the bus stop? Or at work events?

Do you corner people who look a bit brown and demand to know where they are REALLY from? And refuse to accept they can possibly be English or British?

Because that's what we are talking about here.

So born / raised in Kenya but don’t speak good Swahili?

If you did that in the UK, people would say you aren’t integrating.

I get asked where I'm from when I'm on holiday and I don't get offended

We’re not talking about when you’re on holiday though.

How many times in Britain have you ever been asked where you’re from?

When you reply that you’re from somewhere in Britain and they keep on asking “no where were you from before that?”

And keep going until you tell them that your ancestors that you’ve never met, came from a country that you’ve never been.

This is what we are talking about.

I ask people where they’re from all of the time.

If a new colleague starts at work I’ll ask where they’re travelling from, and if they’ve always lived there etc.
I might even ask someone with an accent where they’re from if it’s appropriate.

What I would never do is keep questioning them over and over to find out where their parents, grandparents or great grandparents were from - that is just weird.
But unfortunately a reality that many people live.

I sometimes read the comments on online newspapers or SM.
If a non-white personal commits a crime the comments are always to deport them - even though they were born and raised in this country.

People cannot grasp that some people are British, simply because they don’t have white skin.

Are we all supposed to pretend that we're completely ignorant to accents and differences of appearance? Isn't that as bad as saying 'I don't see colour'?

This is my experience too. Not a whole lot of the insistent 'where are you REALLY from?', although it does occasionally happen. A lot more of the side looks, the asking to deal with someone else, the moving away at the bus stop, the lack of eye contact.

Yes this! But if you wanted to complain about the poor treatment, how can you prove that it is because you are a poc? I have had to swallow so many incidents of such treatment.

Tell the people at the bar, 'Actually I was here first' or ask the cashier 'Is there any reason why you packed the last 3 customers' shopping but not mine?' Most people would then be embarrassed and realise what they had just done.

I am utterly horrified that so many people are having to have these conversations, in the 21st century. How can people be this dense and offensive? It’s not as if migration is anything new, so how can it be so incomprehensible that someone who is not white can be completely British?

I don’t think I ever ask people where they are from - I’m more likely to ask them where they live - and I wouldn’t dream of disbelieving them, based on their appearance.

So because the OP doesn't happen to share your view, she is BU? 😟

Agree with OP, it’s the pushback, if someone tells you where they’re from- what kind of moron goes “no but where are you REALLY from”- they just told you!

For example, I’m from Kent but my accent is often mistaken. This has caused people to ask me, not even “Where are you from” but “What part of Australia are you from?”. I’m not from Australia. I’ve never once had someone insist that I WAS actually Australian when I corrected them, but my best friend who is mixed race has had “but where are you REALLY from” multiple times.

If someone tells you where they’re from, it’s rude to argue back.

Why do you need to know their background? Do you also ask them their religion, their political affiliation and whether they voted Leave or Remain for Brexit? It's unnecessary and intrusive with a stranger. If it's someone you will get to know well then by all means ask them as a later date as part of a wider conversation - it's just not a conversation starter?

What's wrong with asking
where are you from?
london
No, where are you really from..
london.
no, where are you REALLY from?
london.
ok where are your PARENTS from?
london.
no, where were they BORN?
london.
your grandparents then. Where were your grandparents born?
my grandma was born in Kenya.
Ah, you're African then.

If you can't see a) why that's wrong and b) that it is that that is being talked about not some nice inoffensive small talk then I honestly don't know how to explain it to you, I really don't.

Hi @CupOfCake I also have had this issue. I won't go too much into but I am born British and am British. I have darker skin. In my job I meet new people every day and they used to always ask where are you from etc I used to tell them. I didn't get the when do you go back home etc though. Funniest was at one place of work there was an Scottish and French (both white skin colour) and me. Often people (on the phone when booking in) would ask for the most English/British speaking individual as they were hard of hearing and it was me. When they turned up they used to say but I won't understand the accent.....yet my accent was more understandable out of us 3!

@intervie

No of course not, I live in the Midlands where there are several strong local accents.
I have a fairly bland, faintly 'northern' accent.
I often get asked where I'm from
People are quite satisfied with the answer Liverpool

Depends on our interactions. I meet a checkout assistant at the supermarket and I'm busy I just say card please and thank you. I chat with someone and they have a foreign accent, good chance I will ask them.