To disagree with social services?

[Lilyfrilly]

I’m hoping someone here works in social services or just has some knowledge and advice.
name changed for this post.
my 4 children have been on a child protection plan since February this year. We go to core group meetings every 6 weeks with the professionals, to discuss how the plan is going and if we’ve done what has been asked of us.
we’ve gone from having a bad relationship with some of the professionals, to having a good one and working well together on the plan.
at each meeting, all the professionals are asked to give us marks out of 10. It’s gone from 3/4 to 7/8- the last few meetings have been really positive. Social worker visits unannounced at least once a week, and is always satisfied.
our next conference is in January. This is where the decision will be made on if we need to stay on child protection or can go down to child in need plans.
there is nothing more I can do than what I have done. Things are going well.
however, my social worker has said not to get my hopes up as although things are going well now, they have concerns things might not go so well again in the future.
bit surely in that case, we would just go back up to child protection again.
If that is the reason they use to keep us on the CP plan, then they could always say that reason since no one can see into the future. So my question is…. If at the next conference, it’s decided we need to stay on child protection, would I be wise to just accept that or can I challenge it? I can’t see how we would still meet the threshold but I’m anxious now.
i feel like I can’t do any more than what I have. I’ve also heard CP plans can’t last more than 2 years. But the thought of another year of this…

@Lilyfrilly just wanted to say your story touched me, once you know the back ground of it all its not as cut and dry as neglected children. You can hear in your words that you
love them. You've been dealt a terrible hand and without a break it's taken it's toll on your mental. You did request help and you were let down. I'm pleased to hear that things are on the up and you're being supported.

If that was right across his team, who’s dealing with these high risk cases? They don’t go away or sit waiting to be allocated. They need working with straight away.

The reality is that for this reason many social workers have case loads into the 20s (eight 😂) and it would be far, far more likely for cases to be closed prematurely because of this than strung out because they’re “easy” (again 😂)

No clue, @Justthisonce12

I really hope this thread has helped and (slightly unusually for mumsnet 😂) I think it’s really positive. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a difficult time but it’s great that you are getting help and support. Don’t push that support away - utilise every bit you can.

@AssumingDirectControl the agency staff got the high risk cases. He could barely cope a workload of 8 so goodness knows what a shit show he’d be making of 20.

I used to hear the nightly rants so yes it might of been nonsense but it was consistent nonsense, the non tangible emotional abuse in nice houses were definitely milked as firm favourites though.

Hi OP,

I am one of four children, two of my siblings were disabled, one mildly one severely so your post hits a nerve with me.

I do recall how my mum understandably struggled daily, luckily due to being a forces family we did have a lot of support available but it was incredibly difficult nonetheless.

I found it quite incredible to see how you take ownership of your mistakes and accept you perhaps haven't always done best by your children which shows a great level of self-awareness, if you keep this up I imagine you will be able to continue prospering and offering a better environment for your little ones.

One of the best things my older sibling and I had access to was the young carers support and groups through the social worker. It was amazing to connect with other kids who just got it, and adults who understood how our childhood differed from the norm. Hopefully these groups help your children in the same way.

Wishing you all the best.

I think you're amazing. I think having to assign numbers to your lived experience is crazy. I'm so sorry about what you went through growing up. I know the focus is all on your children now and that's good, we want children to be safe and well, but I feel there's a tension between the lioness type-strength you're displaying on behalf of your children and what seems to have been an absolute failure to protect YOU as you were growing up. Please also keep looking for help for yourself and try to take time for yourself. It seems that you have been in an impossible situation forever where your needs were placed behind everyone else's, from child to adult. I hope you have some books or walks or films or pictures around you that make you happy, when you get a chance just to be you. X

You are inspirational, OP. What a difficult time you've all had, life is so fucking hard. You've done so well, the effort that you've made to improve things, and the way you've taken on criticism and advice, you should be proud. I will be thinking about you tonight. Keep on keeping on

OP obviously I don't know you or what's happened but from what you've said, it seems as though you care very much about being the best you can be. I really think that's hugely important because how can anyone fix their mistakes if they don't acknowledge them? I don't want to out myself but I can relate to some stuff you've said too. All the best ti yil

To you* :)

There are so many lovely comments here- I wish I could respond to you all, but it would take me a while 😅 so to everyone that has been supportive, kind, offered advice - you’ve been amazing. It’s useful to hear from social workers as well, and now I have a much better understanding of why they might be reluctant to take us off CP in a months time.

Because yes things are going well, but they might need to see this continue for longer, and it might be more realistic to prepare ourselves to stay on it, and review at the next conference, Why do I want to come off it has been asked a few times. I guess it’s because it’s intrusive. And I know it has to be, but that doesn’t mean I’m always comfortable with it. As the visits are unannounced, and of course I just have to let the SW in. And we get on well now and the children have a lovely relationship with her… she has a great sense of humour.

When I answer the door she might sag something like ‘I know how much you love my visits.’ And I will reply ‘oh Karen. How lovely to see you.’ 🤣
I’ve got used to it now and carry on with whatever I’m doing. If I’m cooking, she will sit in the dining room and chat to me, or go play with the kids.
She keeps telling me she’s proud of me and at the meetings her opinion is that the children’s emotional well being is good, that they are always happy to talk to her.

My 9 year old is so empathetic and so mature, the other day she said ‘I like this calm and cool mum you are now. You’ve really changed’ - I had gone to collect her from netball after school at 4.30pm and she wasn’t there. It was pitch black. Teachers searched the playground, car park, school- she was found ten minutes later. She was meant to wait until she seen her parent, but she hadn’t done that. Obviously that was actually the schools safeguarding breach and they were very apologetic that she had managed to just leave. This time last year, I would have absolutely lost my head and gone off on a massive rant at the teachers. But now, I just gave my dd a hug, explained why she must wait for me, and said to the school she’s safe and that’s the main thing, but I would like to discuss this tomorrow please, so we can make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I caught the look on my dds face. It was like relief. It’s a massive wake up call to think of all the times she has seen me be angry and handle situations like that. How scared she must have been not knowing if something or someone was going to set me off. How unpredictable and inconsistent my parenting had been.
(my partner is nothing like me and handles things like a mature adult)

And now I’m doing what I should have done all along. I have mental health issues but that doesn’t excuse my behaviour when it’s aggressive and abusive to others. And now I’m finally setting an example of how to handle conflict the right way.

one time I completely trashed my kitchen as I couldn’t find my medication. So that’s another example of how we got to child protection.

Another reason for wanting to come off it is sometimes feeling like we can’t make decisions on things if it’s not what they’ve asked us to do.
one time the sw visited and my 12 year old had been off school with a tummy bug. She looked at him and said he looked so unwell that we needed to take him to hospital right away. I said he didn’t need to go, he said himself he just wanted to rest as he had a bad tummy all night - like a standard sick bug basically. She insisted we go take him and said if I refused she would have to say we went against her advice… so I took him.The doctor in the hospital said he didn’t need to be there and was baffled.
So sometimes feeling we have to do something that we don’t feel is necessary.

There has been a service offered to us to work with the whole family. That meant we had a session 6-7pm- my partner hated doing this straight after work. It affected the kids doing their homework / chill time and baths etc. We had to rush dinner before it. And none of us wanted to talk about our feelings with a support worker at this time.I felt like I had to fight to try and show why we no longer wanted to have that service as it wasn’t working for any of us.

Its only a few things though as we have all had some absolutely amazing support put in place for us, and we are very thankful for it.

I just would like to be able to fully make decisions on my own as a parent, and my partner of course.

But I do appreciate that we lost that right, and we have to work to get that back.

my mindset now has changed since I posted this earlier. At the review, I will express how happy we all are with the support and will continue to work with them.

Thank you. The SW comes to see me alone as well and says ‘and how are YOU Lily.’ Which is so nice of her as she’s my children’s social worker, not mine. But she always gives me some time to talk about how I’m really feeling and encourages me to say if I’m struggling as it’s not a failure. She has listened to me cry and talk about my childhood. She has been a great support. My partner is a good one. A decent man, a lovely father. And he is in a good place mentally now.
things are now equal, and he doesn’t have the whole world on his shoulders anymore.
I am lucky to have a good circle of friends around me too- and the children have good friendships.

I feel very lucky in many ways x

And yes- reading is my escapism. I always have a book on the go. 🥰

I had to comment again at having seen your latest posts @Lilyfrilly

I think you're incredibly brave...To ask for help all those times, to accept it, to post what you have here and leave yourself open to hostility from others.

...To fight for your children and all the many, many fights you must have had for your 14yo. To nurse and care for him the way you do. You're a warrior mum through and through, in the best possible way.

I hope that you continue to seek therapy for yourself to heal so that are able to forgive yourself in the future and let go if the guilt you feel. You've done your very best for your children in unimaginable circumstances.

The progress you've made in understanding your emotional reactions and managing them would be something in someone without the conditions you have, but what you've accomished in yourself is amazing.

If more people shared your ability to self-analyse and accept responsibility the world would be a very different place.

I'm so pleased you finally got the help you needed, though I'm sorry things had to get so desperate first. Keep doing what you're doing and be proud of yourself.

@Lilyfrilly - I’ve stayed awake reading your thread and just wanted to add to the comments that I think you’re pretty amazing.

I’ve worked with disabled children and their families and know how bloody hard it can be. You’ve had a tough childhood, MH problems and so much to deal with.

You really are coming out the other side now, keep up the good work. Wishing you and your family all the best for the future x

The lack of mental health services and support for CPTSD are the foundational issues. Trauma has far reaching impacts and even education about how trauma can impact so people can understand themselves is really important.

The lack of mental health services when you needed them vs waiting until you were in extreme crisis resulted in additional pain and suffering for you, your husband and your kids. I am really glad that you and your husband were eventually able to get the help you needed but it shouldn't have gotten to the point that it did.

All the best OP. One more year of intrusive support is worth it if it means a better life for your family for years to come.

Why did you need a social worker? I've never known anyone to need one. Are you an addict? Abused? It's never for no reason

There are 10 pages of posts including many from the OP.

Perhaps read them.

@IDontWantToBeAPie at least read the OP'S posts, it's not difficult.

This is actually a lovely thread.

Lily there are plenty of families out there who would be in exactly the same boat, whose parents don’t make the right changes and whose kids slip through the net.

I was one of them but I don’t think my (alcoholic narc) mother would have changed even with intervention.

You are clearly a loving parent that just needed some support to be the best version of yourself.

i am so pleased for you and your family that things are going so well and you should be proud that you’ve displayed such a high level of emotional intelligence despite the difficulties you’ve had. Seriously, well done for fixing this, you are awesome.

It sounds like you've worked really hard and so have the professionals. There might be an element of them worrying that if you go to CIN the focus/resources won't be the same from the agencies as clearly you have benefitted from being high priority to the services.if this is the case you need to show you are self reliant ,proactive, will know when things are beginning to slide again (what would you notice about yourself /the situation ) and what safety you can build in to ask for help before it is going wrong again. It is great you have a good relationship with SW but you don't want to seem like you are reliant and over familiar-who else in your network talks to the children independently of you and would step in and share concern/ provide support . You need to show you can manage the children's safety and future safety by having your own plan. Ask what will make it a 9. No one wants cp to continue if not needed .

At the risk of outing myself, I referred myself because I am struggling with my disabled child. My eldest has one because their dad (my ex) went to prison. Are those acceptable reasons? They're not just there to take children away from dodgy parents, it's often far more complex and you might know people who are actually known to them.

@LaPhroiagPrince just to pick up on your point about scoring yourself.

Just to say that scaling tools are actually really useful as part of assessment and discussion but obviously not used in isolation. They help professionals and parents to focus on how things are and consider how this can be improved.

So, if someone scored a situation at a 4 for example, the next step would be, what can we do to get this to a 6 or 7? What are the barriers, what needs to happen.

It's used in lots of different ways, not just in social services.

Don’t be a dick. I know lots of families who have social workers. We did for many years. All have disabled children.

That PP was not being a dick

Social services do not become involved unless there is a reason. Many families with a disabled child do not have social services involvement