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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To disagree with social services?

297 replies

Lilyfrilly · 01/12/2022 13:37

I’m hoping someone here works in social services or just has some knowledge and advice.
name changed for this post.
my 4 children have been on a child protection plan since February this year. We go to core group meetings every 6 weeks with the professionals, to discuss how the plan is going and if we’ve done what has been asked of us.
we’ve gone from having a bad relationship with some of the professionals, to having a good one and working well together on the plan.
at each meeting, all the professionals are asked to give us marks out of 10. It’s gone from 3/4 to 7/8- the last few meetings have been really positive. Social worker visits unannounced at least once a week, and is always satisfied.
our next conference is in January. This is where the decision will be made on if we need to stay on child protection or can go down to child in need plans.
there is nothing more I can do than what I have done. Things are going well.
however, my social worker has said not to get my hopes up as although things are going well now, they have concerns things might not go so well again in the future.
bit surely in that case, we would just go back up to child protection again.
If that is the reason they use to keep us on the CP plan, then they could always say that reason since no one can see into the future. So my question is…. If at the next conference, it’s decided we need to stay on child protection, would I be wise to just accept that or can I challenge it? I can’t see how we would still meet the threshold but I’m anxious now.
i feel like I can’t do any more than what I have. I’ve also heard CP plans can’t last more than 2 years. But the thought of another year of this…

OP posts:
Doodadoo · 01/12/2022 17:04

MoriaRoseForever · 01/12/2022 17:03

So you have no concern for four children who have been emotionally abused and will impact them .

Show quote history

Do you know what the emotional abuse will have entailed?

VikingsandDragons · 01/12/2022 17:04

I just want to say I think you've been remarkably open and willing to accept criticism, which is very hard to do, and trying to turn things around for your children is a long journey but you seem to be doing what you can do make that happen. I do think it's very worth asking the question at the end of every meeting 'thank you for your time, do you have any suggestions of anything else I can do that would help the children or alieviate your concerns?'

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 17:06

I never ever ever give my view on OPs where SS are involved. Very dangerous.

Original poster
Lilyfrilly · 01/12/2022 17:07

Doodadoo · 01/12/2022 16:56

I'm so sorry for you that this is your life. You sound so sorted, so 'with it', so stable and so strong. It must be difficult when your heart is breaking and you're exhausted from the fight.

Social workers tend to set the bar very high when they become involved. If any single parent on here was measured by their bar, every one of them would fall short.

You sound like such a hardworking Mum. I wish you strength. I wish you some peace too.

Thank you 😭 my only wish growing up was to have a big family and for my children to feel loved. As an abused child myself, I never would have believed I became the parent that I did. I am doing a group trauma therapy course at the moment which is digging deep into my childhood. I have not recovered from it. Ever. So to know and accept I’ve potentially done the same thing to my own children makes me feel so ashamed. My children have definitely always felt loved. But love is not actually enough

OP posts:
Wiluli · 01/12/2022 17:10

You can politely say exactly what you said here to them . They may or may not accept your reasons . Can I ask why the CP was put in place ?

Lndnmummy · 01/12/2022 17:10

@Lilyfrilly your posts are incredibly moving. I am rooting for you and your family.❤️

girlmom21 · 01/12/2022 17:12

Wiluli · 01/12/2022 17:10

You can politely say exactly what you said here to them . They may or may not accept your reasons . Can I ask why the CP was put in place ?

RTFT

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 17:13

How long will my child have a child protection plan for?
Usually a child will require a child protection plan for no longer than two years. By that stage the work undertaken with the family usually means that the child is no longer at risk. In a small number of cases where there is no improvement, it may be necessary for the court to become involved.

catandcoffee · 01/12/2022 17:13

OP I wish you and your family good luck for the future.
You both sound amazing parents.

Accept every bit of help and support offered.... it's not a weakness.

Original poster
Lilyfrilly · 01/12/2022 17:15

Probably outed myself, I didn’t plan to. But obviously it’s hard for anyone to give advice without knowing the basics.
I’ve got bipolar and adhd.
my children are aged between 4 and 14. The 14 year old is severely disabled and I am his full time carer.
So I’ve been a parent since 2008 with mental health issues. Things were fine until my suicide attempt and sectioning in 2019.

OP posts:
Feef83 · 01/12/2022 17:17

If your child is made the subject of a child protection plan, it means that the network of agencies considers your child to be at risk of significant harm in one or more of the following four categories: physical abuse. sexual abuse. emotional abuse.

and the above is why I think it is wrong mumsnet even allows threads where the OP is asking for SS advice re where SS are involved with their children

Emmamoo89 · 01/12/2022 17:17

caramac04 · 01/12/2022 13:56

Well you’re only scoring 7/8 and I would think that’s not really good enough. You may be working really hard to get things right but tbh a 7 leaves a lot of scope for improvement. You say you can do no more than what you are but perhaps the sw thinks you can and should.
ultimately the sw has to put the needs of dc above all else and you need to be seen to be meeting them.
I would ask how can you improve from a 7 to a 9 to show you are being proactive. You might find you can do this without too much additional effort as you have already massively improved.

I known a couple get an 8 and go to child in need.

queenMab99 · 01/12/2022 17:18

We sometimes see desperate posts on here, from parents who are living terribly difficult lives, and are unable to cope any longer, I always wonder how bad things have to be before social services intervene, with help for the families with disabled children. It seems OP had got to that point, so why are pp blaming her for not being able to access mental health and other help sooner, before her children were in need of protection. This must be the way the system works, so some emotional damage has to be seen occurring from neglect and emotional abuse, before any help is given. No need to tell OP, she needs to 'own it' , as she obviously did 'own it' in advance, but got no help previously.
Please have a bit of compassion.

beatsin8s · 01/12/2022 17:20

Justthisonce12 · 01/12/2022 15:55

@cagoule ex CP worker ? Couldn’t stand the heat juice of all the cases that were loaded onto you the moment you’ve got rid of them ? The social worker I lived with was meant to have eight, actually had 14 and if you have solved, fixed whatever you want to call it, any of them he’d have been given another to replace it. No way was he going to allow that to happen. And that was right across his team.
He much preferred to go and have tea and biscuits with the middle class families than be stepping over dog shit and hypodermics in the less enjoyable environments.

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He sounds awful and in the wrong job. Those poor children who had to live like that with even professionals looking down their nose at them. I hope he no longer works with vulnerable people.

girlmom21 · 01/12/2022 17:21

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 17:17

If your child is made the subject of a child protection plan, it means that the network of agencies considers your child to be at risk of significant harm in one or more of the following four categories: physical abuse. sexual abuse. emotional abuse.

and the above is why I think it is wrong mumsnet even allows threads where the OP is asking for SS advice re where SS are involved with their children

Don't comment then. The op has been very honest and open and respectfully took peoples opinions on board, even when they weren't respectful to her.

Justthisonce12 · 01/12/2022 17:21

beatsin8s · 01/12/2022 17:20

He sounds awful and in the wrong job. Those poor children who had to live like that with even professionals looking down their nose at them. I hope he no longer works with vulnerable people.

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@beatsin8s hes a manager now.

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 17:22

girlmom21 · 01/12/2022 17:21

Don't comment then. The op has been very honest and open and respectfully took peoples opinions on board, even when they weren't respectful to her.

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How on earth do you know whether the Op is being genuinely honest or open? Seriously

Original poster
Lilyfrilly · 01/12/2022 17:23

queenMab99 · 01/12/2022 17:18

We sometimes see desperate posts on here, from parents who are living terribly difficult lives, and are unable to cope any longer, I always wonder how bad things have to be before social services intervene, with help for the families with disabled children. It seems OP had got to that point, so why are pp blaming her for not being able to access mental health and other help sooner, before her children were in need of protection. This must be the way the system works, so some emotional damage has to be seen occurring from neglect and emotional abuse, before any help is given. No need to tell OP, she needs to 'own it' , as she obviously did 'own it' in advance, but got no help previously.
Please have a bit of compassion.

Thank you. I struggled for most of 2019 with my mental health. I did seek help. I went to the Gp, the hospital, phoned the police… many times. I phoned social services myself every day for 3 weeks. And then I got a social worker. I begged them to help and said my children were not safe. I was discharged after a 24 hour sectioning for attempting suicide and I told the doctors I had intrusive thoughts about crashing my car into a tree with the children inside. I literally screamed for help and it took too long. My children witnessed me standing in the street with a knife slagging my face open in a psychotic episode. On one occasion they couldn’t wake me up as I had taken too many sleeping pills. I do own it, but I honestly did try and get help. For too long

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/12/2022 17:23

@Feef83 how do you ever? You first commented saying you never comment on threads involving SS and are now repeatedly posting un helpfully

Dreamwhisper · 01/12/2022 17:25

Lilyfrilly · 01/12/2022 16:36

missing medical appointments (not all. But shouldn’t have missed any) One child is severely disabled.
poor attendance at school , with me at the time blaming my mental health.
not meeting their emotional needs
being unorganised and leaving ordering things until the last minute - medical things. So meds, syringes, NG tube etc

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This stuff can be really hard when you are ill and it sounds like you were really unwell.

I think you're doing amazing and I think SS are doing amazing to support you. Be proud and keep marching on Flowers

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 17:26

girlmom21 · 01/12/2022 17:23

@Feef83 how do you ever? You first commented saying you never comment on threads involving SS and are now repeatedly posting un helpfully

You don’t on an anonymous chat forum.
but that’s fine when discussing holiday plans, budgeting, MIL issues, marriage issues etc.

indeed pretty much anything other than Extensive and extremely serious SS involvement with children

AnxiousStepparent · 01/12/2022 17:26

Before criticising the OP, I think the important thing to note is that she is not being defensive and not placing all the blame on others. She is very open and takes responsibility which to me indicates she is being truthful. You don't have to be a bad person to get put on these plans, sometimes a person just genuinely cannot cope and it's all too much for them.

Icecreamandapplepie · 01/12/2022 17:28

I just wanted to say that I think you're amazing. I do not think I would cope with a severely disabled child, and another 3 on top of that.

You must be under immense emotional pressure, as well as the phyical and mental load of being a parent.

I'm glad you're getting support, and hopefully alot of kindness too.

I don't know anything about the actual question you've asked, but I just wanted to say you should feel proud of yourself. Most of us will never know what ots like to walk in your shoes.

DutchessOfMuck · 01/12/2022 17:29

@Lilyfrilly my heart goes out to you and your family. It sounds like things have been extremely tough for you all 💖

I would echo previous posters and cling onto as much help from ss and other agencies as you can for as long as you can. I am getting a sense from your posts that you sound down and I am wondering if this is why you want things to move quickly with ss. So you will have less on your plate with visits, plans etc.

You don't need to answer but I am just wondering/hoping really that you have found new ways to get some time for yourself often. For things like a long walk, out for a coffee, self care.

I wish you and your family all the best 💖

FuckMyLife2022 · 01/12/2022 17:29

Doodadoo · 01/12/2022 17:03

You only have to be diagnosed with a mental health condition (depression, anxiety) to be labelled as emotionally abusing your child. It's utter bollocks.

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Crock of shit, I’ve been under CMHT for YEARS and yet nobody has ever felt the need to call SS about my parenting. Don’t talk bollocks and scare women away from seeking MH help.

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